Am I forgiven...?

Title: Am I forgiven...?

Author: ShadowAndromedar (aka S-chan)

Rating: PG - 13

Pairing: Seth / Atemu ; Seto / Yami (kinda one-sided in some parts)

Spoilers: Whole Series, especially the Egyptian Arc (Memory Arc)

Disclaimer: The Characters belong to Takahashi Kazuki-sensei and Konami and the song belongs to Evanescence. I’m not making any profit with this. This is just for fun!

Started on: 12th May 2004 , written for the “Songfic Challenge” on Pharaoh’s Palace ML

Summary: The past comes back to haunt Seto and this time, his heart can’t deny the fact that it is indeed real. Troubled, the young CEO starts to reflect on the sins he committed in his past life...And a certain spiky haired pharaoh with deep, crimson eyes...

Notes: I’m no native English speaker/writer so please forgive me for some bad grammar


“Speech”
/Thoughts/
~ Lyrics

Italics are Flashbacks of Ancient Egypt (for text only version: # ... #)
** between those is Seto’s monologue


~*~


Seto woke up with a start, bolting up into a sitting position. His breathing was shallow and he had to gasp for breaths. Running a slightly shaking hand though his ruffled hair, he closed his eyes and cursed inwardly. /Again...Why did I see those images again?/ he climbed out of his bed and walked over to his bedroom window to look outside.

It was still dark outside, the only light coming from the moon crescent in the sky.

/The same ‘memories’ I saw during my Duel with him on the Duel Tower...Our battle of 3000 years ago...In Ancient Egypt...Back then...I didn’t really believe him. But now...Why is it, that I can’t deny them anymore? Why does it feel so...real?/

# The sounds of an explosion. A fierce battle between a Magician and a Dragon. But still, two souls tainted with darkness. “I will destroy you, Pharaoh! And Egypt will be mine!” #

He shuddered slightly. The words had been spoken with such hatred. But there had also been an underlying tone of insanity. Lack of control. That hadn’t really been him. It hadn’t been him, who’d said those words to him. Or so he wanted to believe. But he’d seen it. He’d heard it. He couldn’t deny it. It had been him, who’d spoken those words...

And most importantly...He’d ‘found’ himself in those words again. The High Priest of that time did not only look like him but his soul too, was his. It was the same soul which was now him, Seto Kaiba. It was the truth and even he wasn’t powerful enough to contradict the truth. Not when everything else inside him was telling him that it was. Unknowingly, he’d already accepted it.

# “That’s not true, Seth! Tell me...Please...Tell me that this isn’t true! Tell me...Tell me that you didn’t really mean what you’ve just said!” such hurt...It was plainly visible in those crimson orbs. The pharaoh was on the verge of tears, his heart was in pain. #

Leaning his forehead against the cool glass the brown haired youth felt the feeling of regret rising up inside of him. Those eyes and that look of hurt and pain. They had burned themselves deeply into his heart. He would never be able to forget them again. Ever. And silently, he swore, that he would not let those eyes take on that look ever again...

Not because of him and not because of anyone else either. It just didn’t belong there.

Before he knew, he’d walked out of his room and was now standing in a rather spacious room on the first floor of the Kaiba Mansion. He didn’t come here very often anymore. Not like he used to in the past. But the servants had kept it in a good shape, he noticed, when he ran his fingers over the smooth, colored wood of the black piano. No dust...

He sat down and opened the lid. And then, he closed his eyes and let his mind drift, guiding his fingers, forming a melody...A song...

**

~ Can you forgive me again?
~ I don’t know what I said
~ But I didn’t mean to hurt you...


I’ve sworn to protect you and always be with you...Yet I broke my promise. I betrayed you and broke your trust. We fought. Because I forced you to do so. You didn’t want it. You would’ve given me what I wanted even without a fight. And yet you fought me. But...

Your eyes showed that you were suffering. That you were experiencing an unimaginable pain. But not because you were physically injured. It was because your heart was suffering...My words had hurt you deeply. Your heart...Your soul. Still...You wouldn’t hate me...

May my stubornness, my pride or whatever be damned because...

~ I heard the words come out
~ I felt like I would die
~ It hurt so much to hurt you

...I did it again. Back then, during Battle City, no...Since the day we met again, our first Duel, I’ve said so many cruel things to you. To hurt you, to make you angry. Provoking you.

But every time the words left my lips, I would feel a pain in my chest. I didn’t to to hurt you...But my pride wouldn’t accept that. Didn’t accept it until now...


~ Then you look at me
~ You’re not shouting anymore
~ You’re silently broken


There were times when I took it too far. You would stop being angry and just look at me with those eyes, asking me a silent question. Pleading me to tell you that I hadn’t meant what I’d said. And that broken look...A rare sign of defeat...

One part of me took sadistic pleasure in seeing you like this. To know that I’d defeated you, if only for a short moment. The other...Was screaming for me to stop and taking my words back.

My excuse for saying those things was that I wanted to provoke you, so that you’d duel me with everything you got. That the fierceness which I adore so much would appear in those eyes and in your dueling. It was a stupid excuse to prevent myself from feeling guilty. Yet...I do...


~ I’d give anything now
~ to kill those words for you


I feel guilty for every word that I ever said to you with the sole purpose to hurt you.

Back then, I hadn’t been able to take back those words. I’ve let you suffer. But...Now I wish that I’d never said those words to you in the first place. Oh how I would like to take all those words back, make you forget them...So that the pained look will disappear from your eyes.


~ Each time I say something I regret
~ I cry “I don’t want to lose you.”
~ But somehow I know
~ that you will never leave me, yeah.


And even though I’ve said all those things to you, you’re still there. You didn’t turn your back to me and left. You always return. To me...

Did you hear them? My silent pleas...My heart crying out to you desperately? Did they reach you...? Do you still believe in the me you once knew, the me I once was...? The me...That is now...Hidden behind the walls which have been put around my heart?

Can you remember the me, I used to be when we were still cousins? When we were kids and best friends? I can still remember, how we used to be unseparable...Still...


~ ‘cause you were made for me
~ Somehow I’ll make you see
~ How happy you make me

Even back in Egypt I hadn’t been able to really show my feelings for you. It was too dangerous. I gave you as much as I could. Supported you, when nobody else was. When we were alone, so that nobody would know of it. Only the two of us. As if fate had given us one another...


# He was sitting outside in the gardens when suddenly, someone jumped over the bush he was lying behind and thus, landed on top of him. He grunted slightly and wanted to protest but his mouth was being covered with a small hand.

Guards rushed by, followed by tutors, calling for someone, most likely, the one who was silencing him and had jumped on top of him just a moment ago.

After another few minutes, the other released him and he gasped for air. “What do you think you are doing??” he hissed and looked at the young boy, who was still sitting on his stomach. The boy looked to be a few years younger than him and had a rather strange hairstyle. His multicolored hair was standing up in spikes, except for a few blond bangs, which framed his face. Crimson red eyes were staring into Seth’s own deep, blue ones.

“Hiding from my teachers. As are you, am I right?” the boy smiled. Seth blushed slightly. It was true, he was hiding from his teachers. But the lessons were all so boring. He could do most of the things with his eyes closed. Still, his father insisted on the tutoring sessions.

The boy laughed then, a very pleasant sound in Seth’s opinion. “I’m Atemu Siakunakunamukanon[1]. And who are you?” he asked. Seth’s eyes widened. “What?? But...Then you are the Prince!!” he gasped. The son of the Pharaoh was sitting on his stomach. “So what?” Atemu cocked his head to the side. Seth shook his head. “Nothing...Sorry. I am Seth Siakunadin[1].”

Atemu’s smile brightened even more. “That means you are my cousin!” he gave the startled Seth a hug by wrapping his arms around the neck of the lying boy. Then, he pulled the other up and pointed to the direction of the lotus pond. “Come on, lets play together!” #


And torn us apart again. We changed. And we drifted apart...We were both slowly consumed by darkness. You accepted it and became one with it, became darkness itself. But I...I let it take control over me. Let it consume my very being and let it take me away...From you.


# Seth was sitting on the windowsill of his chamber, staring out to the pyramids thoughtfully. “What’s wrong with you, Seth? You look worried...” the brownhaired youth turned to face the other. “Atemu...I am...You do know, that everything will be different from now on, don’t you? We won’t be able to be like we used to. Tomorrow...You will be made the Pharaoh. And I’ll be your High Priest. Our relationship will change. Or...One of use will die.” He’d said the last words more silently than the rest but they still had the same effect. Atemu nodded and wrapped his arms around his cousin, knowing this would be the last time he’d be able to do so. “I know...But...I’ll miss you, my cousin...”

The following day, the ceremony was held in the temple of Horus and Atemu became Pharaoh. The childish look disappeared from his face and his eyes turned a shade darker. They looked more like blood now. Like the blood that soon stained his hands.

Atemu had to fight his first war during his the first year of his reign. Seth had been there as well and then, somewhere on the battlefield, shadows had slowly started to consume him...

Envy, hatred...They seemed to appear out of nowhere. Every time when he’d be in close proximity to Atemu, he’d envy something the other had. Without reason...Until that fateful day. The day, when the Thief King, Bakura, had dragged the late Pharaoh’s mummy into the throne room and Atemu had called one of the three gods to his aid. #


That was when the Seth you knew disappeared. Not fully. He was watching you from a place far away, unable to do anything. His own darkness, even though controlled by his father to a certain extend, was now in control of his body. And the ‘real’ Seth...Could do nothing but watching you.

And only watch. He could do nothing. Against the darkness, against his father...Against...Himself.

~ I can’t live this life
~ Without you by my side
~ I need you to survive

I want you back...You’re the only one who can teach me how to become myself again. And melt away the barrier of ice which was put up around my heart...You are my salvation. Your darkness can take away mine and make me hole again.

Without you...I’m slowly falling apart. My heart longs for you. For that warm touch and the smile you used to give me when we were hiding in the palace gardens from our teachers.


# He was sitting in the library, going over one of the scrolls with his teacher when he heard noise coming from the hall. Only a few moments later, a whirl of red, gold and white rushed into the room, grabbed him by the hand and pulled him out. “Atemu! What in the name of-...?” he was being pulled towards the gardens. “Don’t ask, Seth. Run! They’re coming closer!!” #


This is a very selfish wish, I know...


~ So stay with me
~ You look in my eyes and I’m screaming that I’m sorry

How can I tell you how I feel? And...that I’m sorry?

Would you still want to stay with me even after all the things I’ve said and done to you? Am I even...Allowed to have you after all the sins I’ve committed? Am I worthy of you? Do I deserve to be with someone like you?

~ And you forgive me again
~ You’re my one true friend
~ And I never meant to hurt you

Yes...You’ve forgiven me every single time. Even when everybody, all of your friends, would turn their back on me, you trusted me and accepted me. You saw me as your equal, a worthy rival. You treated me with respect as I treated you with it, most of the time.

Like that time, during the Battle City finals. When I gave you “Devil’s Sanctuary” in order to give you a chance to beat Ra and Marik. You took the card, put it in your deck, blindly trusting me. And when you drew it...I could feel that powerful trust in your deck, in your cards. And in me. You were respecting my judgement concerning the card and had faith in me. All your friends had thought that I’d given you the card to make you lose. To take revenge for my loss. But you knew...That I wouldn’t do that.

And most importantly...you didn’t forget me. You even saw me as one of your friends, pretending not to hear it, when I said that I wasn’t your friend and wanted nothing to do with you.

I’m grateful for that, really. That sometimes...You hadn’t listened to my words...


# “I can feel my that my time here is ending and I’ll have to leave you soon...” the voice was tired and then there was the sound of jewelry being taken off. He was offering the Puzzle to the one who had sought to destroy him only moments ago. “I’ll give this to you...Please take care...” a smile. “Your wish has come true now, didn’t it? You’ll be Pharaoh and I’m sure...You will rule well.” he was fading slowly, his body disappearing. “Farewell, my friend...Until we meet again...”

And he vanished into nothing as if he had never been there at all. He’d forgiven him. He’d stood by his side even though everybody had lost their trust in him. Hence, he’d even lost faith in himself. But not Atemu. His Pharaoh had had faith in him and now...He’d entrusted everything to him.

Seth fell to his knees, tears falling down from his eyes, which were now clear blue again. He didn’t deserve such trust...Not after what he’d done...Atemu thought it had been his father under the influence of Zork and the dark powers of the Millenium Eye. But Seth knew better. The darkness which had controlled him had partially been of his own creating. It had been him. “I’ve never meant it...” #


**


“And I never meant to hurt you...” the last line of the song left his lips and he leant his head against the polished surface of the piano and cried. Not like you usually cry. There were no sobs. Only tears. Silent tears sliding down his cheek, coming from a pair of crystal blue eyes...

He swallowed roughly, holding back a sob now. “I never really meant to hurt you, my Pharaoh...” he whispered, his voice breaking slightly. “I’m so sorry, Yami...”


~~


Mokuba had been woken by a strange sound coming from across the hall. Somebody was playing the piano and was singing. He walked over to his door and opened it, to listen more closely. The song was sad and it made the ravenhaired boy’s heart heavy.

He sneaked closer to the room and gasped when he saw who was singing. It was his brother. /But he hasn’t played, let alone sung, in ages!/ the younger of the Kaiba Brothers was startled. And then, he continued to listen to the sad song until it ended.

“I never meant to hurt you, my Pharaoh...”

“I’m so sorry, Yami...”

It was even more shocking to see his brother crying silently and speaking these words. There was so much pain in his brother’s words.painpained Mokuba to see his usually strong and confident brother broken like this. /His heart is longing for love...But it is not the love I am able to give him. There is only one person who can do this...Because Nii-sama is longing for the love and forgiving of that special someone./ and it was then, that Mokuba came up with a plan. He wouldn’t let his brother suffer any longer. Sure, he’d need a bit of help but that could be arranged. The only problem would be, if Yami didn’t feel the same way. But Mokuba highly doubted that.

/Yosh! I hope it’ll work...Please let Nii-sama be happy again...He’s suffered so much already and he’s done nothing bad to deserve something like this!/ he prayed silently before slipping back into his room, before his brother noticed him. He knew that the elder would be very uncomfortable if seen in such a state. And so, Mokuba let him be for the time being.

End


[1] – Siakunamukanon / Siakunadin = Son of Akunamukanon / Son of Akunadin


A/N: The Sequel to this fic will be its contest companion “Embraced by Darkness”