No Words

Title: No Words
Author: Naria Lacour de Fanel
Rating: R, for now...
Disclaimer: I own my soul and my sadistic muse...that's it.
Warnings: Must I really say something? Well, I suppose I should warn of the oncoming crazy, but, well...you'll see...

A/N: Hiya there! I'm back with an update! HOLY CRAP! AND an apology. I'm sorry for my spontaneous combustion of emo-ness. I was depressed, upset, and hating myself. But, after discovering an old journal of mine filled with AGONIZING ANGSTY TEEN GOTH POETRY, I decided that I was not as full of suck as I had once surmised. I mean, since everything I wrote as a teenager screamed: "FEEL MY IMPOTENT ADOLESCENT RAGE, NO ONE IN PARTICULAR!" it was hard to take seriously and makes me feel much better about my more recent works. I do still want to chew through my knuckles when I read my wonderful plot holes of convenience, but cest la vie, we live we learn, and then WE DIE LIKE WRITHING WRATHFUL FETID LEPERS ON THE HOWLING FACE OF MORTALITY! Meh heh, goth poetry *snort*.

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After Bakura had finished up in the kitchen and gone to his own room, Ryou went upstairs to his old room and dropped his suitcase on the bed. Bakura was right, he hadn’t touched anything. The envelope from the note Bakura had given him two days before he left was still on the window seat. It was almost eerie seeing the pristine state of the room, as if it was an enshrined tomb trying to preserve memories of himself. Well, except for the new computer now on his desk…It was almost like Bakura knew Ryou would be coming back. The light shook his head and unpacked his suitcase, then set to work on the new computer until Bakura woke up.

This was just busy work to relieve nervous tension and he knew it. In truth, he was terrified. He was afraid of being so close to the source of his misery after so many years of being apart. But fear, as he well knew, was not going to help him in this situation. He was here to rid himself of it once and for all.

And yet, his mind was permanently warped by the awful memories…He couldn’t forget the pain and all the tears he had shed in this very room. Ryou could see the faint gouges in the walls from the thief’s knife, though the old blood stains had been painted over. New carpet had been lain to hide the old stains of cruel bloodletting. It all seemed so distant, and yet, so real. Because he had lived through it all.

A pretty way to cover up the past. But the hikari did not forget.

He could not forget the cruel eyes and abusive hands that belonged to the man sleeping in the room next door. Those cruel nights where submission was his only savior, but deception and treachery were all he was freely given. Those scarring days where demeaning himself was the only way to survive. Ryou could never forget the humilation and terror and heartache that man gave him. The man who had admitted to loving the boy who hated him. The man who supposedly changed his ways in the name of love.

Never.

The young man could not accept that.

Never.

Bakura would never change for anyone or anything, despite his crafty farce, despite his honeyed words, despite his well-acted friendliness.

It was almost insulting, if Ryou had the notion to feel insulted. No, Ryou just felt a seething mass of rage and hate. It was a bottomless well of bubbling anger that Bakura himself had created in his hikari. Ryou could hide it well, he had learned to over the years. But Ryou also knew this hate would destroy him if it did not go away. It was toxic, and he needed to purge it.

Ryou would not fall into another trap of Bakura’s.

Ryou was here to make sure Bakura never hurt him again.
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Somewhere between sleep and conciousness, Bakura tossed himself about fitfully. The truth was, seeing Ryou so out of the blue startled him down to his bones! He hadn’t expected him to return so soon, if ever…and yet his heart had kept a silent vigil over the hope that he would…

True, Ryou was happy enough, and that’s what the yami had always dreamed of…but…

But, he was still so cold and distant…

It was like throwing a blanket over an ice sculpture, it looked softer and warmer, but it was still ice underneath.

But what could he do? What could he say? What did he have the right to say to that young man?

And most importantly, what did Ryou want to say? And would it kill Bakura to hear it?

No…

He had prepared his heart for this so long ago…He had decided that Ryou’s happiness was all that mattered, even if it wasn’t the thief making him happy…

But that didn’t make it any easier to bear.

And yet, Bakura could do it…He would do it for the one he loved over everything else.

Distantly, the thief felt warm tears trickling down his cheeks as he burrowed further into his nest of blankets…

For Ryou.
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After waking, Bakura set to work, trying to get as much done before Ryou came to talk to him. But, he was interrupted by the sound of the hikari’s footsteps coming down the stairs. He turned to greet the young man, but Ryou froze with wide eyes when the thief turned. Bakura didn’t say anything to scare his hikari off, he just returned the surprised look. Then, Ryou made the thief uncharacteristically jump when he let out a peal of laughter!

“What’re you laughing at?” Bakura scoffed, trying to surpress his own smile of relief. Ryou snorted and covered his mouth.

“Ah, sorry. I just never…ahm…”

“What?”

“The glasses…” Ryou giggled behind his hand.

“Wha? Oh!” The yami retrieved said glasses off his face. “These? Yeah, I normally have my contacts in, but I didn’t want to fuck with those right now…”

“You? YOU have bad eyes?”

“I guess so, I need them for driving, too,” the thief shrugged and gestured for Ryou to sit down. “Those fuckers wouldn’t give me my license until I got them…”

“You have a car, too?” the light gawked, taking a seat in his armchair. “You were serious when you said you changed.”

“Not just serious, fucking serious,” Bakura corrected, smiling, placing his glasses on the table and sitting back languidly on the couch. “But enough about me, other than school, what’ve you been up to?” the thief drawled.

Ryou looked at his yami suspiciously. Bakura wondered if his new behavior was beginning to freak out his young light. He was probably thinking: ‘Just when did he start being courteous? Just when did anything else matter other than himself?’ Yeah, that was a good question. It was Ryou’s fault, really…But that didn’t stop said light from looking at him warily. This wasn’t good, so Bakura opted for a nonchalant approach.

“Ryou?” Bakura prompted.

“Oh, uh, sorry,” Ryou smiled sheepishly, somewhat relaxed. That was a HUGE relief for Bakura. He was worried that he had scared his light somehow…

“I have friends I see and parties I go to,” Ryou said plainly.

“Really? You got a girlfriend?” Bakura teased, but interested.

“Not anymore,” Ryou sighed, face sinking back into seriousness.

“Huh, why not?” Bakura asked, genuinely surprised.

“She wanted more than I was willing to give.”

“What, like your virginity or something?” Bakura mischievously grinned.

“I’m hardly a virgin anymore,” Ryou scoffed. “That’s not to say I’m irresponsible either. It’s just hard for me to trust people, and she couldn’t handle that.”

“So how many have you lost because of that?”

“Two girls and two guys.”

“Really?” the thief eyes widened at that. “I didn’t know you swung that way!”

“I don’t ‘swing’ any way. People are people, who cares what gender they are? It’s the heart and mind that count.”

“Well, obviously they didn’t trust enough, either, or else they would have stuck by you no matter what. Blind faith and all that”

“I guess you could look at it that way, but the heart wants what the heart wants.”

“True enough, I’ve learned that the hard way,” Bakura mumbled.

“What do you mean?”

“Nothing! It’s nothing we need to talk about now anyway,” the theif dismissed.

“No, you should tell me, really. You can trust me not to judge you.”

“I’m not afraid of that, believe me…” Bakura trailed off. They sat in awkward silence for a moment, Bakura nervously rubbed the back of his neck as he looked away. “How did we get like this?”

“Like what?”

“Like….friends?”

“Well, probably because we’re familiar with each other since we share a bond of living together that spanned four years. I think we’re grasping to that bond as strongly as possible to keep familiarity in an emotionally uncomfortable and unfamiliar situation,” Ryou crisply explained. “It’s only natural,” he added and shrugged.

“Thank you, Mr. Analytical…” Bakura rolled his eyes.

“You’re the one who asked.”

“I’m sorry I did,” Bakura scoffed, rolling his eyes again.

“I think you were just trying to throw me off from asking you more about your previous statement.”

“What statement?”

“About learning the hard way about what the heart wants.”

“Oh yeah…”

“Tell me.”

“Why?”

“Because it will help you, and it might inadvertently help me as well. People only make statements like that when something traumatic and or dramatic has happened to spawn a negative feeling with the mention of a certain word or phrase. In this case, it’s ‘ the heart wants what the heart wants’ I’m assuming. You responded to that.”

“Yeah…”

“Well? Tell me, please.”

“It’s really hard for me…” Bakura said distractedly, looking away. More silence followed, and Ryou waited patiently.

“I understand, but I’ll understand more if you continue,” Ryou assured him.

“Uh, well…do you remember what I said to you before you stabbed me, right before you left?”

“I stabbed you?” the hikari asked, surprise in his voice.

“Yeah, two days before you left. I last saw you in the hospital.”

“All I remember is finding a piece of paper in my room that really upset me. I can’t remember why it did... And then I remember seeing you in the hospital…we talked… and then I left.”

“I had said I loved you,” Bakura blurted out, a little irritated.

“Oh,” Ryou murmured, blushing furiously.

“And in the hospital I told you the truth about us living apart.”

“I see…” Ryou lamely replied. Bakura waited this time, and threw all caution to the wind as he found his story spewing from his lips.

“Well, when you left, I was really fucked up for the first year. I started my business pretty much as soon as you left….But I think the tables turned on me and I got to taste the pain I’d put you through for four years. I thought I was going batshit, and after a whole fucking year I realized that I missed you. I REALLY missed you. And I realized that I REALLY fucking loved you. I kinda did go crazy then, and I tried killing myself several times, because I figured if you were gone there was no reason to live. But I guess I’m cursed to live in misery forever. Every time, someone would find me just in time, or I’d convince myself to go on. I didn’t want to, really. But I had no damn clue where the hell you’d gone, or if you were even alive…But I made it through another year without you. After that, I realized that I might be okay. If you weren’t around me, one way or another, you’d be fine, too. I needed to stop being so selfish, and it worked. I’d pretty much given up on you, and I knew my love for you would always be unrequited, so I gave that up, too. Present day, I’m living okay. I’ve kept the house up because I didn’t know if you’d come back for it or not. But I wanted it to be here for you if you came back. I was hoping you would, because there was so much to make up for. But it looks like you don’t need me to help you, you’ve already helped yourself. I’m glad.”

“You really…fee- felt that way about me?” the light gulped.

“Yeah, but you wouldn’t believe me. Not that I blame you.”

“No, it was just a coping mechanism to protect me from anymore pain,” Ryou distractedly replied, looking deep in thought.

“Like I said, I don’t blame you.”

“No! Don’t you see? I would have been saved from a lot more pain if I’d just believed you,” Ryou shouted!

“Huh?” Bakura started, looking up suddenly.

“Uh,” Ryou blushed again, seeming to calm down. “My problem isn’t just in trusting people, but also in loving them.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve never been able to let go of my original feelings for you, Bakura. And when you told me you felt the same way, I didn’t want to believe anymore, I didn’t want to be hurt. The difference is, I knew you were telling the truth then…I could believe you, and I did. I just didn’t WANT to take a chance.”

Awkward silence.

“Do you want to believe now?” Bakura shyly asked. “Because… I want you to.”

“Yes, now that I understand myself better, I do. Now that I can accept who you’ve become, and not who you were, I want to,” Ryou demurely whispered, eyes misting over.

“Then believe me, trust me,” the thief continued, looking into Ryou’s eyes. “I still love you.”

“I love you, too... More than ever.”

Bakura stepped forward to close that massive distance between them for good. Now everything would be alright. Everything would be wonderful!

Bakura moved to wrap his arms around his hikari, but Ryou had stepped back.

“…More than ever,” he whispered again, but he was drifting further away! As if…As if…

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As if WHAT?!! HOLY CRAP!! AS IF WHAT?!

Well, read the next chapter to find out.

Bakura: =_= If I had the means, I would stab you in the face.

Naria: I'm sure you would, my friend, I'm sure you would.