Yugi In Bakaland
folder
Yu-Gi-Oh › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
5
Views:
1,741
Reviews:
38
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Yu-Gi-Oh › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
5
Views:
1,741
Reviews:
38
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own YuGiOh!, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
They're All Mad Here
Yugi in Hentailand
[Yugi in Bakaland]
Part 4) Raenef's Playhouse
[And I thought Peewee’s Playhouse was scarey…]
Princess Lemon
[MST by D-chan]
[NOTE: Yes, I realize this is the 1st version of this chapter. Let this stand as a reminder to us all to NOT post anything before beta-ing. Besides, her chapter 4 with “commentary” kind of screws itself over anyway. A beta’s suggestions are to be read, implemented, and deleted. They are not to be stuck in the story for all to see, ESPECIALLY when one has not even addressed the issues the beta brings up. It kind of defies the point then, ne? Not to mention it just dicks with the flow of the story to no end.]
It wasn't long before Grey Wolf led them out of the woods and down into a valley where this stunning castle stood.
[This castle? Is the castle right there in your hand? Yes, folks, just for reviewing {or even flaming} “Yugi in Bakaland,” you will receive this stunning castle to drop on the Princess’s lemon head.]
The castle wasn't as big as Cinderella's castle but it was definitely the size of a medium sized mansion and Yugi couldn't help but stare at it in awe as he followed Grey Wolf up to the front of the castle where a large set of double doors made of heavy wood kept them out and most of the party music in.
[I think that’s your biggest run-on to date.
As if any of us know or even CARE how big Cinder-fuckin’-rella’s castle is.
A door does not keep music in. It muffles the sound. Unless of course, in Bakaland music is animate and tangible. Then by all means, continue.]
"Uh, could one of you get the door? I got yelled at the last I tried to use my foot as a knocker," Grey Wolf said.
[Ow…you mean she took off her foot and stuck it to the door? I can see why they wouldn’t like that. Blood stains wood.]
With a sigh, Akio Cat stepped up to the door as she stepped back and to his right. Thankfully, there were big brass knockers on the doors...in the shape of penises cete ete with balls.
[How…tasteless.]
Yugi blushed as Akio grabbed one by the balls and proceeded to knock on the door. He then stepped back and it wasn't long before the right door opened and out stepped...a very naked Eclipse, oh my.
[Splices and run-ons and bad plots, oh my!]
Eclipse looked from the blushing Yugi to the grinning Akio Cat and finally to the smiling Grey Wolf.
[Glad to see his vision works.]
"You know you're not suppose to be here Grey Wolf," Eclipse said in a very frosty voice as he crossed his arms over his chest.
[I suppose you meant to say ‘SUPPOSED.’
Eclipse…frosty…. *snickers* Think about it.]
"Grey Wolf?" came several voices.
[Where did they come from?]
In the blink of an eye FishEye, ChiChiri and George were behind Eclipse and poking their heads around him to see that in fact it was Grey Wolf.
[How wide is Eclipse supposed to BE in this?]
Yugi noted this as they looked at her fearfully...after he noted the fact that they were naked as well.
[He noted that they were behind Eclipse, looking at Grey Wolf. Fascinating.]
*author's note: This is FishEye from the Japanese anime, that makes FishEye a guy not a girl as in the English version. *
[Damn dubbers. Can’t stand to have a gay character. And Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon is FULL of them.]
"I know but I brought beer," Grey Wolf said and bounced the two kegs on her shoulders.
[Are these rubber kegs or something?]
"Beer? Did somebody say beer?" came more voices. This signaled the appearance of Spike, Gene Starwind and Tasuki. It was also quite obvious that they too were naked.
[Well, it’s a bit hard to hide the fact, now isn’t it?
Spike doesn’t really get excited over beer. He doesn’t get that excited over much, actually.]
"OH MY GOD!" Gene exclaimed.
[THEY KILLED KENNY!]
"It's Grey Wolf!" Tasuki shouted. Needless to say, this was enough to bring the music inside to a dead stop and everyone inside looked at the front door in fear.
[Well, I wouldn’t expect the music to slowly come to a halt. It’s music, not a car.]
"Beer alone won't get you past these doors," Eclipse said as he narrowed his eyes at Grey Wolf.
[You shall not pass!]
"But I brought newbies, and one of them can cook," Grey Wolf said.
[Well, aren’t YOU special?]
"Cook!?" everyone insixclaxclaimed excitedly.
"Newbies," a young male voice squealed. The sound of bare feet hitting stone was the only warning that everyone outside had before the left door opened to reveal the young Lord Raenef...dressed only in a pair of soft denim coveralls.
[“…dressed in only…” That makes it sound like he h sur surprising lack of clothing. He’s actually overdressed.]
"Oh, you must be Raenef," Yugi said cheerfully and everyone looked at him with these highly shocked looks on their faces as everyone else ran to the door to see the one person who finally picked out Raenef on the first try.
[Yugi has made comments in other parts of the fic that suggest he recognizes the characters he’s stuck here with, so why wouldn’t he guess this, too?
“…looked at him with these highly shocked looks…” You RUN the depant ont of redundancy department, don’t you?
These highly shocked looks? Why not THOSE highly shocked looks? Or those over there? You do NOT need a demonstrative determiner here, y’know.]
"What? What's wrong?" Yugi asked.
[See above fic.]
"Nothing, it's just that everyone else who has come has thought Eclipse is the lord here. You're the first to get it right on the first try," Raenef said.
[The place has a lord, and Eclipse answers the door. I’d guess he was the butler or something.]
"Really? Wow," Yugi gasped and Akio Cat his throat.
[Um, Akio Cat did WHAT to his throat? And was it Akio Cat’s throat or Yugi’s?]
"Which one of you can cook?" Raenef asked.
"I can...but not full course meals though," Yugi said.
[What high school freshman DOES?]
"That's fine. Most of us around here can barely cook," Raenef said and a lighting bolt thingy went off beside Eclipse's head.
[Two words: Instant ramen.
And the purpose of “li “lightning bolt thingy” is…?]
"I thought Eclipse could cook," Davis commented.
"Only when he wants to though," Angemon said.
[Eclipse can cook only when he wants to though. Since when did though become a verb? Or did you forget the comma again?]
"Ahhh!" George said.
[That was…pointless]
"Hey! I can cook!" Squall exclaimed.
[NEVER volunteer that kind of info in a group of lazy, inept crossover characters.]
"Then back to kitckitchen with you," Sephiroth said and grabbed Squall by his hair and dragged the crying man back to the kitchen.
[When did he start crying, and for what reason?]
"What about Grey Wolf M'Lord?" pse pse asked.
[“M’lord” or “Milord,” not “M’Lord”]
"Hmmm..." Raenef said thoughtfully as he placed his index finger on his lips and titled his head down in thought. A moment passed as everyone waited for his decision with baited breath.
[I’m all atwitter. -_- ]
"I got it!" Raenef exclaimed and everyone jumped in surprise at this, "Grey Wolf can stay because she brought the newbies but she isn't to leave the party area with a single person. If she wants to go off somewheres [someWHERE] in the castle or on the grounds, she must do so alone. That way no one will get raped...again," Yugi said diplomatically.
[I thought Raenef was speaking. How did Yugi know she raped anyone?]
The moment these words passed his lips, the tension in the air deflated like a balloon and the guys behind Eclipse returned to the living room. Yugi was about to ask a question when Grey Wolf squealed and dashed to head inside only to knock Yugi on his butt in the process.
[That is the only reason she dashed inside, folks. Her sole purpose was to knock Yugi flat on his ass/]
"Hey guys! I brought the expensive stuff this time!" Grey Wolf as she made her way inside.
[It’s just beer, geez.]
"I have a bad feeling about this," Eclipse said, looking as if he was having a headache already, as he turned and went back inside.
[Um…he might look as if he felt ill, but there are usually no outward signs that someone has a headache.]
Akio Cat looked as if she was ready to kill Grey Tiger
[WTF? Okay, Akio Cat just got a sex change, and Grey Wolf changed her name.]
as Raenef approached Yugi with a big grin as the melody to "Y.M.C.A" filtered outside.
"Yugi, there's no need to feel down.
I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground.
I said, young man, 'cause you're in a new town
There's no need to be unhappy," Raenef said as he held out a hand and helped Yugi up.
[#1, that part of the song is sung, not spoken.
#2, Nobody ever told these people Yugi’s name.]
"Yugi, here's a place you can go.
I said, Yugi, when you're short on your toes.
[That’s 100% of the time for him.]
You can stay here, and I'm sure you will find
Many ways to have a good time," Raenef said
[The whole song is sung.]
as he led Yugi and Akio inside. Once inside, Raenef unclipped his coveralls and discarded them on the floor with all the other garments.
[What other garments? You never mentioned them.]
As the song played, all the other guys were dancing in the living room but once as
[Don’t be greedy, now. ‘Once’ OR ‘as;’ you can’t use both.]
the trio entered the castle, they got into this long conga line that snaked around the living room.
"It's fun to stay at Rea-Nef's Play-House!
It's fun to stay at Rea-Nef's Play-House!" they all sang and began to motion as if they were fucking each other.
[I like yaoi. I like nude bishounen. I like perverted humour. That, however, disturbs me.]
Yugi turned pink again and looked to his left only to gasp in surprise to see what looked to be a very dead Tenchi in the corner, sitting in a puddle of his own blood that bled from his nose.
[Interesting thing…blood can’t bleed. People bleed, cuts bleed, BLOOD drips, oozes, gushes, etc.]
Yes, he too was naked.
[Did anyone ask?]
Yet before Yugi could at it any longer, Raenef grabbed his hand and led the way to the kitchen where Squall and Eclipse were curly cly cooking in nothing but white aprons.
[Before Yugi could WHAT?]
"You can get yourself cleaned, you can have a good meal,
You can do whatever you feel..." Raenef sang cheerfully.
"It's fun to stay at Rea-Nef's Play-House!
It's fun to stay at Rea-Nef's Play-House!" Squall and Eclipse sang. While Squall tried to sound happy, Eclipse was singing as monotonely as possible seeing as how he wanted the moment to pass as quickly as possible.
[Monotonely is not a word. MONOTONOUSLY, however, is. It doesn’t really matter, though. The music is going at a certain tempo, and singing in a monotone doesn’t affect tempo at all. If he wants the moment to pass quickly, he should try singing FASTER.]
"Hey Squall, Yugi here can cook!" Raenef exclaimed.
"Great! Send to me when you're done with the tour," Squall said as he finished the Deviled Eggs.
[Types of food are not proper nouns.]
Raenef gave his the thumbs up before dragging Yugi out and led the way down the hall to the showers.
[Raenef gave his WHAT the thumbs up?]
"Yugi, are you listening to me?
I said, Yugi, what do you want to be?
I said, Yugi, you can make real your dreams.
But you got to know this one thing!" Raenef sang as they entered the very large, locker room style bathroom.
"No man does it all by himself.
I said, Yugi, put your pride on the shelf,
And just wash there, where the sun don't shine
I'm sure we can help you today," Raenef sang
[Help him with WHAT, and do I even want to know?]
as all the other guys pranced into the room with the three beats
[There are five beats before the chorus, not three.]
and the showers turned themselves on.
[Ooh! Escher showers!]
Before long, steam filled the room and everyone was helping everyone else to wash up.
"It's fun to stay at Rea-Nef's Play-House!
It's fun to stay at Rea-Nef's Play-House!" the guys sang loudly as Yugi began to feel his nose bleed.
[The sexually suggestive conga line just made him turn pink, but THIS gave him a nose bleed? Okay….]
Quickly, Akio Cat grabbed a washcloth to wipe away the blood and some tissue to plug his nose.
[Where’s he come from?]
Hey, we don't want Yugi to die like Tenchi. Do we? I thought not.
[Well…it WOULD be a way for the poor boy to escape this ‘fic.’]
"We have everything for you men to enjoy,
You can hang out with all the boys ... " Raenef sang, the last part rather suggestively as everyone rinsed and dried up quickly.
[Ohhh…THERE’S one of the many commas you needed. Too bad it doesn’t belong there.
Dried up? Don’t you mean dried off? Or else there are a lot of guys there that need some serious moisturizing.]
"It's fun to stay at Rea-Nef's Play-House!
It's fun to stay at Rea-Nef's Play-House!" the other guys sang and literally pranced out of the room as the song faded away.
[How does one prance figuratively?]
"Well...that was definitely...interesting," Yugi said.
"I know, we do that for all the newbies," Raenef said proudly yet naively. Yugi's jaw dropped a big and Akio Cat tried to stifle a laugh, which received him the coldest glare from Raenef.
[His jaw dropped a big what? I didn’t realize it was carrying anything.
Who else was giving him a cold glare to compare Raenef’s to?]
"Come on, Spin the Bottle is about to start in the living room," Raenef said as he grabbed Yugi's wrist once more and practically dragged him back out to the living room.
[I hope he didn’t dislocate anything.]
Akio Cat merely sighed and vanished only to reappear in the living room. There, he found Raenef, Kish, Ryou, George, Jet and Spike playing. While threehree younger boys were merely playing for fun, the three older men were now quite drunk and playing for "fun". Thus apparent by the fact that Jet and Spike were now heavily making out on the leather couch and George was flirting heavily with Kish and Ryou who looked to Raenef for help.
[Heavy petting, I have heard of. Heavy flirting? Um…no.
Thus apparent? I’m not even going to bother….]
"Where's Yugi?" Akio Cat asked.
"Outside..." Raenef said in a non-chalet manner as he spun the bottle.
[When did he leave?
Non-chalet- not a word.
Chalet- n. a Swiss hut.
So, what you’re saying is that Raenef is speaking in a non-Swiss hut manner. Whatever you say.
Just a hunch, but maybe the word “nonchalant” would fit better.]
"Ok," Akio Cat said and made his way to the sliding glass door, which led to the very large back yard pool.
"...I think," Raenef added at the last moment and the bottle stopped to point at the kitchen as Eclipse came into view.
[Such an attentive host.]
"Yeah! I get to kiss Eclipse!" Raenef shouted with joy and thus jumped up to run off to the kitchen.
[Woo-hoo.]
"Raenef!" Kish and Ryou shouted as they tried to get out of George's hands but he turned out to be much stronger than the of of them.
[Just how big ARE his hands?]
Kish then glared at George and grabbed Ryou's hand. The moment he had it, the two vanished and George fell forward on his face.
"Oh well, another time then," George said as he reached over and spun the bottle.
[I certainly hope not.]
When it landed on him, he went off in search of a mirror to go French himself.
[How random and irrelevant.]
[Yugi in Bakaland]
Part 4) Raenef's Playhouse
[And I thought Peewee’s Playhouse was scarey…]
Princess Lemon
[MST by D-chan]
[NOTE: Yes, I realize this is the 1st version of this chapter. Let this stand as a reminder to us all to NOT post anything before beta-ing. Besides, her chapter 4 with “commentary” kind of screws itself over anyway. A beta’s suggestions are to be read, implemented, and deleted. They are not to be stuck in the story for all to see, ESPECIALLY when one has not even addressed the issues the beta brings up. It kind of defies the point then, ne? Not to mention it just dicks with the flow of the story to no end.]
It wasn't long before Grey Wolf led them out of the woods and down into a valley where this stunning castle stood.
[This castle? Is the castle right there in your hand? Yes, folks, just for reviewing {or even flaming} “Yugi in Bakaland,” you will receive this stunning castle to drop on the Princess’s lemon head.]
The castle wasn't as big as Cinderella's castle but it was definitely the size of a medium sized mansion and Yugi couldn't help but stare at it in awe as he followed Grey Wolf up to the front of the castle where a large set of double doors made of heavy wood kept them out and most of the party music in.
[I think that’s your biggest run-on to date.
As if any of us know or even CARE how big Cinder-fuckin’-rella’s castle is.
A door does not keep music in. It muffles the sound. Unless of course, in Bakaland music is animate and tangible. Then by all means, continue.]
"Uh, could one of you get the door? I got yelled at the last I tried to use my foot as a knocker," Grey Wolf said.
[Ow…you mean she took off her foot and stuck it to the door? I can see why they wouldn’t like that. Blood stains wood.]
With a sigh, Akio Cat stepped up to the door as she stepped back and to his right. Thankfully, there were big brass knockers on the doors...in the shape of penises cete ete with balls.
[How…tasteless.]
Yugi blushed as Akio grabbed one by the balls and proceeded to knock on the door. He then stepped back and it wasn't long before the right door opened and out stepped...a very naked Eclipse, oh my.
[Splices and run-ons and bad plots, oh my!]
Eclipse looked from the blushing Yugi to the grinning Akio Cat and finally to the smiling Grey Wolf.
[Glad to see his vision works.]
"You know you're not suppose to be here Grey Wolf," Eclipse said in a very frosty voice as he crossed his arms over his chest.
[I suppose you meant to say ‘SUPPOSED.’
Eclipse…frosty…. *snickers* Think about it.]
"Grey Wolf?" came several voices.
[Where did they come from?]
In the blink of an eye FishEye, ChiChiri and George were behind Eclipse and poking their heads around him to see that in fact it was Grey Wolf.
[How wide is Eclipse supposed to BE in this?]
Yugi noted this as they looked at her fearfully...after he noted the fact that they were naked as well.
[He noted that they were behind Eclipse, looking at Grey Wolf. Fascinating.]
*author's note: This is FishEye from the Japanese anime, that makes FishEye a guy not a girl as in the English version. *
[Damn dubbers. Can’t stand to have a gay character. And Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon is FULL of them.]
"I know but I brought beer," Grey Wolf said and bounced the two kegs on her shoulders.
[Are these rubber kegs or something?]
"Beer? Did somebody say beer?" came more voices. This signaled the appearance of Spike, Gene Starwind and Tasuki. It was also quite obvious that they too were naked.
[Well, it’s a bit hard to hide the fact, now isn’t it?
Spike doesn’t really get excited over beer. He doesn’t get that excited over much, actually.]
"OH MY GOD!" Gene exclaimed.
[THEY KILLED KENNY!]
"It's Grey Wolf!" Tasuki shouted. Needless to say, this was enough to bring the music inside to a dead stop and everyone inside looked at the front door in fear.
[Well, I wouldn’t expect the music to slowly come to a halt. It’s music, not a car.]
"Beer alone won't get you past these doors," Eclipse said as he narrowed his eyes at Grey Wolf.
[You shall not pass!]
"But I brought newbies, and one of them can cook," Grey Wolf said.
[Well, aren’t YOU special?]
"Cook!?" everyone insixclaxclaimed excitedly.
"Newbies," a young male voice squealed. The sound of bare feet hitting stone was the only warning that everyone outside had before the left door opened to reveal the young Lord Raenef...dressed only in a pair of soft denim coveralls.
[“…dressed in only…” That makes it sound like he h sur surprising lack of clothing. He’s actually overdressed.]
"Oh, you must be Raenef," Yugi said cheerfully and everyone looked at him with these highly shocked looks on their faces as everyone else ran to the door to see the one person who finally picked out Raenef on the first try.
[Yugi has made comments in other parts of the fic that suggest he recognizes the characters he’s stuck here with, so why wouldn’t he guess this, too?
“…looked at him with these highly shocked looks…” You RUN the depant ont of redundancy department, don’t you?
These highly shocked looks? Why not THOSE highly shocked looks? Or those over there? You do NOT need a demonstrative determiner here, y’know.]
"What? What's wrong?" Yugi asked.
[See above fic.]
"Nothing, it's just that everyone else who has come has thought Eclipse is the lord here. You're the first to get it right on the first try," Raenef said.
[The place has a lord, and Eclipse answers the door. I’d guess he was the butler or something.]
"Really? Wow," Yugi gasped and Akio Cat his throat.
[Um, Akio Cat did WHAT to his throat? And was it Akio Cat’s throat or Yugi’s?]
"Which one of you can cook?" Raenef asked.
"I can...but not full course meals though," Yugi said.
[What high school freshman DOES?]
"That's fine. Most of us around here can barely cook," Raenef said and a lighting bolt thingy went off beside Eclipse's head.
[Two words: Instant ramen.
And the purpose of “li “lightning bolt thingy” is…?]
"I thought Eclipse could cook," Davis commented.
"Only when he wants to though," Angemon said.
[Eclipse can cook only when he wants to though. Since when did though become a verb? Or did you forget the comma again?]
"Ahhh!" George said.
[That was…pointless]
"Hey! I can cook!" Squall exclaimed.
[NEVER volunteer that kind of info in a group of lazy, inept crossover characters.]
"Then back to kitckitchen with you," Sephiroth said and grabbed Squall by his hair and dragged the crying man back to the kitchen.
[When did he start crying, and for what reason?]
"What about Grey Wolf M'Lord?" pse pse asked.
[“M’lord” or “Milord,” not “M’Lord”]
"Hmmm..." Raenef said thoughtfully as he placed his index finger on his lips and titled his head down in thought. A moment passed as everyone waited for his decision with baited breath.
[I’m all atwitter. -_- ]
"I got it!" Raenef exclaimed and everyone jumped in surprise at this, "Grey Wolf can stay because she brought the newbies but she isn't to leave the party area with a single person. If she wants to go off somewheres [someWHERE] in the castle or on the grounds, she must do so alone. That way no one will get raped...again," Yugi said diplomatically.
[I thought Raenef was speaking. How did Yugi know she raped anyone?]
The moment these words passed his lips, the tension in the air deflated like a balloon and the guys behind Eclipse returned to the living room. Yugi was about to ask a question when Grey Wolf squealed and dashed to head inside only to knock Yugi on his butt in the process.
[That is the only reason she dashed inside, folks. Her sole purpose was to knock Yugi flat on his ass/]
"Hey guys! I brought the expensive stuff this time!" Grey Wolf as she made her way inside.
[It’s just beer, geez.]
"I have a bad feeling about this," Eclipse said, looking as if he was having a headache already, as he turned and went back inside.
[Um…he might look as if he felt ill, but there are usually no outward signs that someone has a headache.]
Akio Cat looked as if she was ready to kill Grey Tiger
[WTF? Okay, Akio Cat just got a sex change, and Grey Wolf changed her name.]
as Raenef approached Yugi with a big grin as the melody to "Y.M.C.A" filtered outside.
"Yugi, there's no need to feel down.
I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground.
I said, young man, 'cause you're in a new town
There's no need to be unhappy," Raenef said as he held out a hand and helped Yugi up.
[#1, that part of the song is sung, not spoken.
#2, Nobody ever told these people Yugi’s name.]
"Yugi, here's a place you can go.
I said, Yugi, when you're short on your toes.
[That’s 100% of the time for him.]
You can stay here, and I'm sure you will find
Many ways to have a good time," Raenef said
[The whole song is sung.]
as he led Yugi and Akio inside. Once inside, Raenef unclipped his coveralls and discarded them on the floor with all the other garments.
[What other garments? You never mentioned them.]
As the song played, all the other guys were dancing in the living room but once as
[Don’t be greedy, now. ‘Once’ OR ‘as;’ you can’t use both.]
the trio entered the castle, they got into this long conga line that snaked around the living room.
"It's fun to stay at Rea-Nef's Play-House!
It's fun to stay at Rea-Nef's Play-House!" they all sang and began to motion as if they were fucking each other.
[I like yaoi. I like nude bishounen. I like perverted humour. That, however, disturbs me.]
Yugi turned pink again and looked to his left only to gasp in surprise to see what looked to be a very dead Tenchi in the corner, sitting in a puddle of his own blood that bled from his nose.
[Interesting thing…blood can’t bleed. People bleed, cuts bleed, BLOOD drips, oozes, gushes, etc.]
Yes, he too was naked.
[Did anyone ask?]
Yet before Yugi could at it any longer, Raenef grabbed his hand and led the way to the kitchen where Squall and Eclipse were curly cly cooking in nothing but white aprons.
[Before Yugi could WHAT?]
"You can get yourself cleaned, you can have a good meal,
You can do whatever you feel..." Raenef sang cheerfully.
"It's fun to stay at Rea-Nef's Play-House!
It's fun to stay at Rea-Nef's Play-House!" Squall and Eclipse sang. While Squall tried to sound happy, Eclipse was singing as monotonely as possible seeing as how he wanted the moment to pass as quickly as possible.
[Monotonely is not a word. MONOTONOUSLY, however, is. It doesn’t really matter, though. The music is going at a certain tempo, and singing in a monotone doesn’t affect tempo at all. If he wants the moment to pass quickly, he should try singing FASTER.]
"Hey Squall, Yugi here can cook!" Raenef exclaimed.
"Great! Send to me when you're done with the tour," Squall said as he finished the Deviled Eggs.
[Types of food are not proper nouns.]
Raenef gave his the thumbs up before dragging Yugi out and led the way down the hall to the showers.
[Raenef gave his WHAT the thumbs up?]
"Yugi, are you listening to me?
I said, Yugi, what do you want to be?
I said, Yugi, you can make real your dreams.
But you got to know this one thing!" Raenef sang as they entered the very large, locker room style bathroom.
"No man does it all by himself.
I said, Yugi, put your pride on the shelf,
And just wash there, where the sun don't shine
I'm sure we can help you today," Raenef sang
[Help him with WHAT, and do I even want to know?]
as all the other guys pranced into the room with the three beats
[There are five beats before the chorus, not three.]
and the showers turned themselves on.
[Ooh! Escher showers!]
Before long, steam filled the room and everyone was helping everyone else to wash up.
"It's fun to stay at Rea-Nef's Play-House!
It's fun to stay at Rea-Nef's Play-House!" the guys sang loudly as Yugi began to feel his nose bleed.
[The sexually suggestive conga line just made him turn pink, but THIS gave him a nose bleed? Okay….]
Quickly, Akio Cat grabbed a washcloth to wipe away the blood and some tissue to plug his nose.
[Where’s he come from?]
Hey, we don't want Yugi to die like Tenchi. Do we? I thought not.
[Well…it WOULD be a way for the poor boy to escape this ‘fic.’]
"We have everything for you men to enjoy,
You can hang out with all the boys ... " Raenef sang, the last part rather suggestively as everyone rinsed and dried up quickly.
[Ohhh…THERE’S one of the many commas you needed. Too bad it doesn’t belong there.
Dried up? Don’t you mean dried off? Or else there are a lot of guys there that need some serious moisturizing.]
"It's fun to stay at Rea-Nef's Play-House!
It's fun to stay at Rea-Nef's Play-House!" the other guys sang and literally pranced out of the room as the song faded away.
[How does one prance figuratively?]
"Well...that was definitely...interesting," Yugi said.
"I know, we do that for all the newbies," Raenef said proudly yet naively. Yugi's jaw dropped a big and Akio Cat tried to stifle a laugh, which received him the coldest glare from Raenef.
[His jaw dropped a big what? I didn’t realize it was carrying anything.
Who else was giving him a cold glare to compare Raenef’s to?]
"Come on, Spin the Bottle is about to start in the living room," Raenef said as he grabbed Yugi's wrist once more and practically dragged him back out to the living room.
[I hope he didn’t dislocate anything.]
Akio Cat merely sighed and vanished only to reappear in the living room. There, he found Raenef, Kish, Ryou, George, Jet and Spike playing. While threehree younger boys were merely playing for fun, the three older men were now quite drunk and playing for "fun". Thus apparent by the fact that Jet and Spike were now heavily making out on the leather couch and George was flirting heavily with Kish and Ryou who looked to Raenef for help.
[Heavy petting, I have heard of. Heavy flirting? Um…no.
Thus apparent? I’m not even going to bother….]
"Where's Yugi?" Akio Cat asked.
"Outside..." Raenef said in a non-chalet manner as he spun the bottle.
[When did he leave?
Non-chalet- not a word.
Chalet- n. a Swiss hut.
So, what you’re saying is that Raenef is speaking in a non-Swiss hut manner. Whatever you say.
Just a hunch, but maybe the word “nonchalant” would fit better.]
"Ok," Akio Cat said and made his way to the sliding glass door, which led to the very large back yard pool.
"...I think," Raenef added at the last moment and the bottle stopped to point at the kitchen as Eclipse came into view.
[Such an attentive host.]
"Yeah! I get to kiss Eclipse!" Raenef shouted with joy and thus jumped up to run off to the kitchen.
[Woo-hoo.]
"Raenef!" Kish and Ryou shouted as they tried to get out of George's hands but he turned out to be much stronger than the of of them.
[Just how big ARE his hands?]
Kish then glared at George and grabbed Ryou's hand. The moment he had it, the two vanished and George fell forward on his face.
"Oh well, another time then," George said as he reached over and spun the bottle.
[I certainly hope not.]
When it landed on him, he went off in search of a mirror to go French himself.
[How random and irrelevant.]