Yugi In Bakaland
folder
Yu-Gi-Oh › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
5
Views:
1,737
Reviews:
38
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Yu-Gi-Oh › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
5
Views:
1,737
Reviews:
38
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own YuGiOh!, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Chap I 'beta-ed' version or Beta? What Beta??
[Okay, when people say ‘get a beta reader,’ they usually mean get a GOOD beta reader.]
The day started like any other day.
[And the fic still starts out needing an overhaul. Nothing new there.]
Birds were singing, people were scurrying around in the city like busy ants on their way to school or work and the sun was shining.
[Now instead of three independent clauses separated by commas, we have three clauses with only one comma. This sentence is even worse than before. At least you could get the original out in one breath.]
Said sunshine shined
[Department of redundancy department….]
through the window and onto Yugi's face. It stirred him awake and he rolled over to see that his alarm clock read five to seven.
[Y’know, since ‘It’ is the subject of this sentence, saying ‘and he rolled over to see…’ is also incorrect. Unless the sun has gone from having a shin to producing light that has a gender and can accomplish tasks. Then it’s okay. It’s fucked up beyond all reason, but that seems to be the norm here.]
He then gasped and jumped out of bed to get dressed in a flurry then dashed out of the house as he grabbed his school bag and a pop tart.
[Okay, run-on sentences must be part of your defining ‘style.’ Note: Just because E.E. Cummings could write and publish things with no proper punctuation or grammar does not mean the rest of us can. NONE of us are that good yet.]
As Yugi ran down the sidewalk the words "I'm late" repeated in his mind like a sacred mantra.
[Nope, the words are still performing the action. Damn tricky Escher words.]
The only thing that stopped him
[Is that to imply that Yugi is an unstoppable force? Look out, evildoers! It’s Super Yugi!]
was the shock that he got
[Ah, so Super Yugi’s weakness is electricity.]
when he hung a sharp right
[Damn…never thought Yugi would be one to promote lynching. *sigh* You think you know an anime character….]
to take a shortcut down this alleyway.
[Again…’this’ alleyway. Try using the word ‘an.’ ‘kay?]
He skidded to a halt when he was ten feet into the alley when he saw that there was someone on the other side.
[The reader fled the fic when she got to the end of the second paragraph when she realized the beta reader has as much xp as the author.
Do you know how much concentration it’s taking me to add the errors deliberately?]
"Who's there?" Yugi demanded and the figure stepped into the light.
[No! Don’t go near the light! Flee the fic while you still can!
Yugi can’t demand anything. He just comes off as cute when he tries to be assertive.]
He was a tall man (even from where Yugi was standing)
[He’d still be a tall man no matter WHERE Yugi stood.]
dressed in white robes. The things that stood out the most about him though was
[Subject verb agreement… things…WERE, not was.]
his pale skin, his long snow white hair, his deep blue eyes...and his long white rabbit ears?
[Now it just sounds like you’re not sure anymore. But that’s okay; neither am I.]
Yes girls! It's Yui from Card Captor Sakura as the White Rabbit!
[I still can’t find the girls here.
And boys like yaoi, too.]
*Five minute break for drooling*
[The Escher words drool now. Ewww…. They’d better not get any on my screen, dammit.]
Oookkk. I guess the fan girls are happy...
[Only the ones who have no standards.]
Well, poor Yugi thought that he was half awake and still dreaming
[Poor, poor Yugi.]
as he looked at Yui Rabbit who pulled out a Duel Monsters card.
[Yui Rabbit Who Pulled Out a Duel Monsters Card…. What an odd name.]
"I summon Mystic Rabbit Hole," Yui said in his ultra cool and mystifying voice.
[Ohhh, Yui performed an ACTION. The lack of punctuation threw me again.]
*Five minute break for drooling*
[Damn Escher words…. *wipes off her screen*]
Hmmm, I wonder how many more times this is going to happen?
[It’s already happened two times too many.]
As soon as Yui Rabbit said this, a rabbit hole appeared right under Yugi and it wasn't long before Mr. Gravity
[Mr. Gravity, meet Mrs. Vacuum….
Puerile…that’s all I can say.]
took over and poor sweet Yugi began to fall...and fall...and fall...
[And the readers twitch…and twitch…and twitch….]
"Wow, this is a long drop," Yugi said as he continued to fall
[Yes, I’m sure anyone who finds that they are falling down a hole that was summoned by a bunny-eared bishounen would be thinking that.]
through a not so ordinary rabbit hole.
[One does not fall through a hole; one falls DOWN a hole.
By this point, I think everyone can deduce that the rabbit hole isn’t normal.]
Instead of dirt walls, there was red wallpaper with white line that had pink hearts inside them.
[Where does it say in YOUR English book that the plural of ‘line’ is ‘line?’]
On the walls were shelves of all shapes and sizes that stored things like books to knick-knacks.
[“…like books to knick-knacks.” What the hell is a book to knick-knack?? Is it something like a bookend?]
In the air though were various pieces of furniture such as chairs, couches, tables and even a couple globes.
[In the air though what?
“In the air, though….”
With that punctuation, that’s not even a complete sentence.
“In the air though, ….”
That also doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.
And the Department of redundancy department strikes yet again.]
At one point, Yugi was able to land in one of the couches
[And hopefully bounce up to safety out of this fic….]
but as soon as he laid back
[Tense agreement….
Lie, Lay, has lain, HAD laid.
The proper word for this sentence is lay, which is the past tense of the verb lie.]
the couch flipped over and he fell out.
[You land in and fall out of a bed or hammock. You land ON and fall OFF of a couch.]
From that point onward, Yugi tried to duck and dodge the furniture yet every time he did so he began to spin wildly like a wild yoyo.
[Oh, another run-on sentence. I was wondering when the next one would pop up.
“…spin wildly like a wild yoyo.” Do I even have to say it?]
Just when Yugi thought he was going to lose his cookies...seriously, the cookies he baked last night for his friends weren't packed securely enough in his school bag...
[Seriously, don’t attempt witty humour here. It might work if the fic was well-written, but as it stands…no.]
the freefall came to an end as the he fell through the other end of the rabbit hole.
[Sadly, this little farce has just begun.]
Poor little Yugi...
[HAI!]
"Stop calling me little!" Yugi snapped.
[Save the character/author interaction for either before or after the chapter, hon.]
...Sorry... *sweet drop*
[Sorry isn’t the word. And what does candy have to do with anything?]
Yugi fell close to 20ft through the air
[Who is 20ft Through the Air? And if Yugi fell closr to him or her, why did they never speak to each other?]
and landed in a giant pile of leaves with a loud umph.
[A loud umph…hmm, dunno what that is, but I bet I can find it on eBay.]
His rough landing created a small gust of air to that caused
[I would ponder the meaning of that, but there are just too many possible definitions of the preposition ‘to’ to even attempt to fathom that fragment.]
some of the leaves to jump up into the air
[…and do the Hokey Pokey as they turned themselves around.]
as the bag of homemade cookies fell out of his schoolbag and thus spilled out onto the ground.
[‘Thus’ is too pompous a word to be used in a fic like this; it sounds stuffy and detracts from whatever screwed-up style is being used here. Eh, things can’t get much worse. Carry on.]
"Cookie!" squealed a male voice and Yugi jumped in surprise.
[Awkward sentence. “…,making Yugi jump in surprise” would work better.]
The voice was followed by
[And how does a voice move around to be followed, pray tell?]
the sudden appearence [appearance] of Akio Cat out of nowheres.
[Nowheres is STILL not a real word.]
He promptly sat down at the edge of the leaves where he grabbed to cookies
[, do, do you think if you wait long enough, the rules of the English language will conform to you? ‘To’ is STILL a preposition, not a number.]
and stuffed both of them in his mouth. Yugi looked on with surprise and as Akio Cat looked back at him with a big grin as he chewed the cookies.
[Remind me never to go to a restaurant with Akio.]
"Ex...excuse me," Yugi said when he finally regained his voice.
[I guess his voice fell a bit more slowly than he did.]
"Ymphf?" Akio Cat asked with his mouth still full of cookies.
[Ew.]"Hu"Huh?" Yugi asked and Akio Cat swallowed everything all at once.
[I’ve read that phrase in other fics, but they weren’t swallowing cookies. Hey, Akio, got milk?]
"Yes?" he asked as he flashed a sexy seductive smile at Yugi. This would have impressive on it's own it it [that is BEYOND redundant] hadn't been for that stupid glint in his teeth.
[Okay, I’m confused.
“ wou would have impressive on it's own…” indicates that something else ENHANCED his smile, making it more impressive, but “…hadn't been for that stupid glint in his teeth” would mean that the ‘stupid glint’ DETRACTED from it.
Make up your mind.]
*Moral of the story: Never trust someone with a glint in their teeth. This goes for Akio, Scott Sumers [Summers] from X-Men and Freeza from Dragonball Z*
[Morals are supposed to come at the end of the fic, not ¾ of the way into the 1st chapter.]
"Uh...who are you?" Yugi asked.
"Formally, I am the Chesire Cat
[CheSHIRE! There are 2 bloody H’s!]
but you can call me Akio Cat," he said as he got on his hands and knees to crawl closer to sweet innocent Yugi.
[Just say Yugi, all these ‘sweet’ and ‘innocent’ comments are going to give everyone cavities.]
Akio looked very much like himself
[Gods, I’d hope so.]
...except for factfact that he had purple cat ears protruding from his free flowing white hair (he looks so much better wiis lis long hair lose, don't you think?)
[I wouldn’t know. How can you have your hair lose? Hair can’t play games or compete in anything to be able to lose. Well, except for Cousin It, but that’s beside the point. Hair can, however, be LOOSE.]
and a long bushy purple tail that twiched
[TWITCHED…much like me @ the moment.]
lightly behind him. Save for those tight purple leather pants, Akio Cat wasn't wearing a stich
[STITCH. Those Silent t’s really give you fits, don’t they?]
of clothing. As he introduced himself, Akio Cat began to crawl closer to Yugi and this made him feel nervous.
[That would indicate that Akio is the one feeling nervous. I really can’t blame him, though. Look what he has to participate in.]
*ten minute for everyone to drool over Akio's naked chest*
[#1…’Minute’ is not like the word ‘deer.’ It actually changes a bit to become plural.
Oh, I guess the Escher words felt bad about being the only ones drooling. Now they’re inviting everyone else to join in. As soon as I find something to drool over, I will. Hmm…maybe Ykarzel’s “School Week” or Bakurasgirl’s “Hostile Takeover.” Something by GOOD writers.]
"Oook, uh...where are we?" Yugi asked.
[I thought his name was Akio, not Oook.]
"Why, we're in Wonderland my little morsel," Akio Cat said when he was no more than five inches away from Yugi.
[Was he measuring or something?
And the Lion King images pop into my head once more. Oh well. At least those are entertaining.]
"Wonderland!? I thought that was just a myth!" Yugi exclaimed.
[I know I wish someone had never picked up the bloody book. Poor Mr. Carroll must be turning in his grave.]
"As you can see, it's quite real," Akio Cat said and Yugi pouted.
[And he pouted because…?]
"Awww, why don't you stay with me then? I know everything about this land," Akio Cat said cheerfully.
[Since you live there, I would hope you know at least a BIT.]
"Thank you," Yugi said as his face brighten back up and he bowed to Akio Cat, "That's very kind of you," and Yugi smiled.
[This sentence is STILL fubar.*]
"You're welcome, now let's pick up these cookies and go," Akio Cat said. Yugi nodded and helped to pick up the cookies.
[Where are they going?]
'He's 'so' cute, I could just eat him all up.
[Yugi: He’s gonna eat me! YAMI!!!]
But I must have patience and wait for the right moment. In don't want to scare him away any time soon,' Akio thought.
[I know this fic has already scared away a few readers, what’s a character or two?]
So, once the cookies were all picked up and packed away the two set out to begin their journey.
[Journey WHERE? Walking around aimlessly is NOT a journey.]
*Fubar: Fucked up beyond all recognition.
The day started like any other day.
[And the fic still starts out needing an overhaul. Nothing new there.]
Birds were singing, people were scurrying around in the city like busy ants on their way to school or work and the sun was shining.
[Now instead of three independent clauses separated by commas, we have three clauses with only one comma. This sentence is even worse than before. At least you could get the original out in one breath.]
Said sunshine shined
[Department of redundancy department….]
through the window and onto Yugi's face. It stirred him awake and he rolled over to see that his alarm clock read five to seven.
[Y’know, since ‘It’ is the subject of this sentence, saying ‘and he rolled over to see…’ is also incorrect. Unless the sun has gone from having a shin to producing light that has a gender and can accomplish tasks. Then it’s okay. It’s fucked up beyond all reason, but that seems to be the norm here.]
He then gasped and jumped out of bed to get dressed in a flurry then dashed out of the house as he grabbed his school bag and a pop tart.
[Okay, run-on sentences must be part of your defining ‘style.’ Note: Just because E.E. Cummings could write and publish things with no proper punctuation or grammar does not mean the rest of us can. NONE of us are that good yet.]
As Yugi ran down the sidewalk the words "I'm late" repeated in his mind like a sacred mantra.
[Nope, the words are still performing the action. Damn tricky Escher words.]
The only thing that stopped him
[Is that to imply that Yugi is an unstoppable force? Look out, evildoers! It’s Super Yugi!]
was the shock that he got
[Ah, so Super Yugi’s weakness is electricity.]
when he hung a sharp right
[Damn…never thought Yugi would be one to promote lynching. *sigh* You think you know an anime character….]
to take a shortcut down this alleyway.
[Again…’this’ alleyway. Try using the word ‘an.’ ‘kay?]
He skidded to a halt when he was ten feet into the alley when he saw that there was someone on the other side.
[The reader fled the fic when she got to the end of the second paragraph when she realized the beta reader has as much xp as the author.
Do you know how much concentration it’s taking me to add the errors deliberately?]
"Who's there?" Yugi demanded and the figure stepped into the light.
[No! Don’t go near the light! Flee the fic while you still can!
Yugi can’t demand anything. He just comes off as cute when he tries to be assertive.]
He was a tall man (even from where Yugi was standing)
[He’d still be a tall man no matter WHERE Yugi stood.]
dressed in white robes. The things that stood out the most about him though was
[Subject verb agreement… things…WERE, not was.]
his pale skin, his long snow white hair, his deep blue eyes...and his long white rabbit ears?
[Now it just sounds like you’re not sure anymore. But that’s okay; neither am I.]
Yes girls! It's Yui from Card Captor Sakura as the White Rabbit!
[I still can’t find the girls here.
And boys like yaoi, too.]
*Five minute break for drooling*
[The Escher words drool now. Ewww…. They’d better not get any on my screen, dammit.]
Oookkk. I guess the fan girls are happy...
[Only the ones who have no standards.]
Well, poor Yugi thought that he was half awake and still dreaming
[Poor, poor Yugi.]
as he looked at Yui Rabbit who pulled out a Duel Monsters card.
[Yui Rabbit Who Pulled Out a Duel Monsters Card…. What an odd name.]
"I summon Mystic Rabbit Hole," Yui said in his ultra cool and mystifying voice.
[Ohhh, Yui performed an ACTION. The lack of punctuation threw me again.]
*Five minute break for drooling*
[Damn Escher words…. *wipes off her screen*]
Hmmm, I wonder how many more times this is going to happen?
[It’s already happened two times too many.]
As soon as Yui Rabbit said this, a rabbit hole appeared right under Yugi and it wasn't long before Mr. Gravity
[Mr. Gravity, meet Mrs. Vacuum….
Puerile…that’s all I can say.]
took over and poor sweet Yugi began to fall...and fall...and fall...
[And the readers twitch…and twitch…and twitch….]
"Wow, this is a long drop," Yugi said as he continued to fall
[Yes, I’m sure anyone who finds that they are falling down a hole that was summoned by a bunny-eared bishounen would be thinking that.]
through a not so ordinary rabbit hole.
[One does not fall through a hole; one falls DOWN a hole.
By this point, I think everyone can deduce that the rabbit hole isn’t normal.]
Instead of dirt walls, there was red wallpaper with white line that had pink hearts inside them.
[Where does it say in YOUR English book that the plural of ‘line’ is ‘line?’]
On the walls were shelves of all shapes and sizes that stored things like books to knick-knacks.
[“…like books to knick-knacks.” What the hell is a book to knick-knack?? Is it something like a bookend?]
In the air though were various pieces of furniture such as chairs, couches, tables and even a couple globes.
[In the air though what?
“In the air, though….”
With that punctuation, that’s not even a complete sentence.
“In the air though, ….”
That also doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.
And the Department of redundancy department strikes yet again.]
At one point, Yugi was able to land in one of the couches
[And hopefully bounce up to safety out of this fic….]
but as soon as he laid back
[Tense agreement….
Lie, Lay, has lain, HAD laid.
The proper word for this sentence is lay, which is the past tense of the verb lie.]
the couch flipped over and he fell out.
[You land in and fall out of a bed or hammock. You land ON and fall OFF of a couch.]
From that point onward, Yugi tried to duck and dodge the furniture yet every time he did so he began to spin wildly like a wild yoyo.
[Oh, another run-on sentence. I was wondering when the next one would pop up.
“…spin wildly like a wild yoyo.” Do I even have to say it?]
Just when Yugi thought he was going to lose his cookies...seriously, the cookies he baked last night for his friends weren't packed securely enough in his school bag...
[Seriously, don’t attempt witty humour here. It might work if the fic was well-written, but as it stands…no.]
the freefall came to an end as the he fell through the other end of the rabbit hole.
[Sadly, this little farce has just begun.]
Poor little Yugi...
[HAI!]
"Stop calling me little!" Yugi snapped.
[Save the character/author interaction for either before or after the chapter, hon.]
...Sorry... *sweet drop*
[Sorry isn’t the word. And what does candy have to do with anything?]
Yugi fell close to 20ft through the air
[Who is 20ft Through the Air? And if Yugi fell closr to him or her, why did they never speak to each other?]
and landed in a giant pile of leaves with a loud umph.
[A loud umph…hmm, dunno what that is, but I bet I can find it on eBay.]
His rough landing created a small gust of air to that caused
[I would ponder the meaning of that, but there are just too many possible definitions of the preposition ‘to’ to even attempt to fathom that fragment.]
some of the leaves to jump up into the air
[…and do the Hokey Pokey as they turned themselves around.]
as the bag of homemade cookies fell out of his schoolbag and thus spilled out onto the ground.
[‘Thus’ is too pompous a word to be used in a fic like this; it sounds stuffy and detracts from whatever screwed-up style is being used here. Eh, things can’t get much worse. Carry on.]
"Cookie!" squealed a male voice and Yugi jumped in surprise.
[Awkward sentence. “…,making Yugi jump in surprise” would work better.]
The voice was followed by
[And how does a voice move around to be followed, pray tell?]
the sudden appearence [appearance] of Akio Cat out of nowheres.
[Nowheres is STILL not a real word.]
He promptly sat down at the edge of the leaves where he grabbed to cookies
[, do, do you think if you wait long enough, the rules of the English language will conform to you? ‘To’ is STILL a preposition, not a number.]
and stuffed both of them in his mouth. Yugi looked on with surprise and as Akio Cat looked back at him with a big grin as he chewed the cookies.
[Remind me never to go to a restaurant with Akio.]
"Ex...excuse me," Yugi said when he finally regained his voice.
[I guess his voice fell a bit more slowly than he did.]
"Ymphf?" Akio Cat asked with his mouth still full of cookies.
[Ew.]"Hu"Huh?" Yugi asked and Akio Cat swallowed everything all at once.
[I’ve read that phrase in other fics, but they weren’t swallowing cookies. Hey, Akio, got milk?]
"Yes?" he asked as he flashed a sexy seductive smile at Yugi. This would have impressive on it's own it it [that is BEYOND redundant] hadn't been for that stupid glint in his teeth.
[Okay, I’m confused.
“ wou would have impressive on it's own…” indicates that something else ENHANCED his smile, making it more impressive, but “…hadn't been for that stupid glint in his teeth” would mean that the ‘stupid glint’ DETRACTED from it.
Make up your mind.]
*Moral of the story: Never trust someone with a glint in their teeth. This goes for Akio, Scott Sumers [Summers] from X-Men and Freeza from Dragonball Z*
[Morals are supposed to come at the end of the fic, not ¾ of the way into the 1st chapter.]
"Uh...who are you?" Yugi asked.
"Formally, I am the Chesire Cat
[CheSHIRE! There are 2 bloody H’s!]
but you can call me Akio Cat," he said as he got on his hands and knees to crawl closer to sweet innocent Yugi.
[Just say Yugi, all these ‘sweet’ and ‘innocent’ comments are going to give everyone cavities.]
Akio looked very much like himself
[Gods, I’d hope so.]
...except for factfact that he had purple cat ears protruding from his free flowing white hair (he looks so much better wiis lis long hair lose, don't you think?)
[I wouldn’t know. How can you have your hair lose? Hair can’t play games or compete in anything to be able to lose. Well, except for Cousin It, but that’s beside the point. Hair can, however, be LOOSE.]
and a long bushy purple tail that twiched
[TWITCHED…much like me @ the moment.]
lightly behind him. Save for those tight purple leather pants, Akio Cat wasn't wearing a stich
[STITCH. Those Silent t’s really give you fits, don’t they?]
of clothing. As he introduced himself, Akio Cat began to crawl closer to Yugi and this made him feel nervous.
[That would indicate that Akio is the one feeling nervous. I really can’t blame him, though. Look what he has to participate in.]
*ten minute for everyone to drool over Akio's naked chest*
[#1…’Minute’ is not like the word ‘deer.’ It actually changes a bit to become plural.
Oh, I guess the Escher words felt bad about being the only ones drooling. Now they’re inviting everyone else to join in. As soon as I find something to drool over, I will. Hmm…maybe Ykarzel’s “School Week” or Bakurasgirl’s “Hostile Takeover.” Something by GOOD writers.]
"Oook, uh...where are we?" Yugi asked.
[I thought his name was Akio, not Oook.]
"Why, we're in Wonderland my little morsel," Akio Cat said when he was no more than five inches away from Yugi.
[Was he measuring or something?
And the Lion King images pop into my head once more. Oh well. At least those are entertaining.]
"Wonderland!? I thought that was just a myth!" Yugi exclaimed.
[I know I wish someone had never picked up the bloody book. Poor Mr. Carroll must be turning in his grave.]
"As you can see, it's quite real," Akio Cat said and Yugi pouted.
[And he pouted because…?]
"Awww, why don't you stay with me then? I know everything about this land," Akio Cat said cheerfully.
[Since you live there, I would hope you know at least a BIT.]
"Thank you," Yugi said as his face brighten back up and he bowed to Akio Cat, "That's very kind of you," and Yugi smiled.
[This sentence is STILL fubar.*]
"You're welcome, now let's pick up these cookies and go," Akio Cat said. Yugi nodded and helped to pick up the cookies.
[Where are they going?]
'He's 'so' cute, I could just eat him all up.
[Yugi: He’s gonna eat me! YAMI!!!]
But I must have patience and wait for the right moment. In don't want to scare him away any time soon,' Akio thought.
[I know this fic has already scared away a few readers, what’s a character or two?]
So, once the cookies were all picked up and packed away the two set out to begin their journey.
[Journey WHERE? Walking around aimlessly is NOT a journey.]
*Fubar: Fucked up beyond all recognition.