Beauty

First Things First: So, an emotionally brutal chapter last time. Things won’t be getting any worse, I promise. The worst is over. A lot of adv advice and dialogue I used in this chapter I got from help websites and from information my friend got from counselors after she decided to talk to someone about her own experience. Well, anyway, this chapter’s not as bad as the last one, and not as long. Hope you like it. ^_^


Disclaimer: I don’t own the show.

Song notes: Lots of Mozart, Chariot by Gavin DeGraw, Heal by Westlife


Chapter 15: Aftermath


Even though you're near me
I need you far away
To be an ocean
To build another way

I'll be broken
And I know it
But I just can't seem to find
Another way

Though you want to
Though you try to
You can't stop the rain
For the first time
It's not you
Who can heal me

~Heal
Westlife

“Joey?” Yugi walked into the kitchen, his hair was everywhere and his eyes were puffy, he was lost in the shirt and sweat pants he was wearing. Joey looked up from the frying pan, and gave him a smile. He wasn’t sure what else to do, besides smile. He didn’t want to upset him, by showing how upset he was. The last thing he needed was for Yugi to feel bad about causing him any pain. All that mattered was Yugi, and helping him.

“How are you, Yugi?” Joey asked, immediately regretting asking him that. How could he be? After what had happened to him yesterday. “I’m, I started making some breakfast. Flap jacks.”

“Oh.”

“They should be ready in about ten minutes.”

“Okay, Joey.” Yugi looked at him for a minute, Joey not sure what the say. “I’m going to go take a shower, okay?”

“Sure, I’ll be right here when you get out.” Yugi gave Joey a little nod and headed into the bathroom. He couldn’t help feel like he should be walking on eggshells with him, but didn’t want to treat Yugi like he would break. This wasn’t something he’d be able to deal with on his own. He needed Tristan more than anything. He needed Tristan’s advice and strength. He wasn’t sure how Yugi would react to Tristan knowing. But if he had to help Yugi by himself he could see himself making it worse.

Twenty-five minutes later Yugi returned, wearing a new set of Joey’s clothes. Joey had debated telling Yugi to get out of the shower but decided against it, having a sinking feeling that Yugi still felt sick and disgusted about what had happened yesterday afternoon and wanted to clean himself thoroughly. “Let me just pop them back in the microwave so they’ll be nice and warm okay?” Yugi nodded and sat down on a stool.

“Do you have to work, Joey?”

“Yes, for a few hours. If you want I could call out of work for you and tell them you have the flu.” Yugi thought about it and nodded. “I’ll call them after we eat.” Joey pulled the plate out of the microwave and placed it in front of him.

He was so lost, how was he supposed to deal with this. Would Yugi retreat into his shell again. Act like nothing was bothering him? He didn’t even know where to turn. Yugi needed serious help. He just didn’t know what that help consisted of.

“Joey?” Joey looked at his roommate, aware that he was staring off into space.

“Sorry, just thinking.”

“That’s okay.”

“Quite a change, me cooking for you, huh?”

Yugi nodded but said nothing as he picked at the plate. He wasn’t really all that hungry, but he didn’t want to upset Joey by not eating. Actually, he didn’t feel much of anything. Except incredibly numb. Yugi pushed around the food with his fork and looked up at his friend. “I want to go see Grandpa today.”

“I can take you if you want.”

“Would you drop me off?”

“Sure.”

“Joey,” Yugi looked at Joey for a couple of moments and then back down. “Joey, I…don’t tell him what happened. I don’t want to make him upset.”

“I won’t say anything, Yug. But I’m sure your grandfather would be there for you.”

“He wouldn’t understand why this happened to me. I’d have to explain, about how I caused this.”

“Yugi, you didn’t cause this. Don’t say that.”

“I did, Joey.”

“No you didn’t. Malik caused this. Malik is to blame.”

“There’s no such thing as an innocent victim, Joey.” Yugi got up from the counter, not bothering to look at his friend. “I want to take a nap.” He said nothing else and headed out of the kitchen.


-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-


The door opened and Yugi’s grandfather smiled. “Yugi, it’s so good to see you.” Yugi allowed his grandfather to give him a big hug. “Joey, how are you?”

“Good.” Joey gave him a smile. He knew he had to pretend everything was kosher for Yugi’s sake. He would do as Yugi asked concerning his grandfather. “How are you? How’s the game shop?”

“Good.” Yugi pulled away from his grandpa. “Yugi, you look tired, are you alright?”

“I’m sick, Grandpa. I wanted to come stay with you today, you always make me feel better.”

“Of course.”

“Yugi, I’ll come get you as soon as I get out of work, okay?” Yugi nodded. He let Joey kiss his wrist and then his cheek. “I better be going, I have class to get to.”

“Okay, Joey. Bye,” Yugi’s grandfather stated.

“Bye, Joey.” Joey waved and head back to his car. He didn’t want to make eye contact with either of them. Especially not Yugi’s grandfather. He failfailed him. He had told him he’d always take care of him, and he hadn’t been there for him. Yugi was hurt because of him. This was entirely his fault.

Joey climbed into the car. He didn’t know what to do. He had to talk to Tristan. They were going to meet for lunch today, like they had yesterday. Tristan was his only hope. Otherwise, what was he going to do?

This had to be the worst thing to could possibly happen to anyone. And it was worse given Yugi’s past. He knew Yugi was blaming himself, that he thought it was his fault. And the more he did, the closer to hurting himself he was going to get. Joey had hidden all the box of razor blades, and the sleeping pills. He didn’t want Yugi getting into anything that could have him questioning life.

How could this have happened to him? It wasn’t fair. He had been through so much already, why couldn’t he heal. Why did everything horrible have to happen to him? Hadn’t Yugi thr through enough? If he didn’t figure something out he was going to lose him. Yugi was going to die.

He had to pull himself together. He’d talk to Tristan. Tristan had a way of some how making everything in the world okay again. And he’d just have to rely on his strength right now. It would be fine. He would have to be strong, for Yugi’s sake. It wouldn’t do anyone any type of good to fall apart when Yugi needed him right now.

Especially since his grandfather wouldn’t be there to help him.

Actually, Yugi was probably right, this would kill the old man.


-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-


Yugi sat at the window, starring off into space. He was zoning out a lot, even before yesterday. But now it was ten times worse. He was beside himself with grief. He was mourning the loss of him former self, of who he once was before this happened to him. It wasn’t like he was all that innocent, of course. But he still couldn’t help feeling like this. Feeling so empty and numb.

It felt like he could only go through the motions. If he thought about it too much he got deeper into his never-ending melancholy. No matter what he did…this haunted him, taunted him. He would never get over this. How could he, a piece of himself had died on that bed yesterday afternoon. He was a ghost of who he use to be now.

At some point, during the ordeal he had just blocked everything out. He had reached some type of transcendence. It no longer mattered what was happening to his body, his body was no longer a part of him. His soul was free, roaming around. It felt like he was almost floating, like he could look down at himself and see what was going on.

Why did he feel like this? He had been asking for it. He felt so guilty. Only a little slut would let this happen. Only an idiot would fall for such an obvious trap. He must have wanted it. He must have enjoyed it. He had released. He had given up on saying “no”. Since that word didn’t seem to have any meaning to the platinum blond anyway. He must have put on quite the show… after all, Ryou sat and watched, eyes full of lust and desire. Het hat have really been something alright.

And what about Bakura. Bakura had lied to him. Bakura had misled him. Of course Bakura had also ended it with him. Which was part of the reason why he wound up with Malik in the first place. Damn Bakura, he loved him. No matter what he tried to pretend…he did. And even if Bakura hadn’t lied, if what Ryou said was the testimony of some psycho jilted lover, what was he supposed to do with Bakura now. He was damaged.

No matter how many times he scrubbed his skin off.

No matter what he did…he would always be damaged now. Used goods. Bakura wouldn’t want him like this. Bakura wouldn’t understand. Not like Joey. What was he supposed to do… eventu Joe Joey would stop worrying enough, eventually he’d go back to the way things were before, with Tristan. And he’d be alone…

Alone and damaged.

Yugi could feel a wave of sadness ebb… It consumed him, washing over his body like a dark, unseen force. He tried to calm himself, he couldn’t let Grandpa see him this way. He couldn’t cry like this. Crying like this meant that this wasn’t a horrible nightmare he had yet to wake from. Crying meant Malik won. But fuck, he had… who was he kidding. His revenge had worked.

Damaged…and guilty as sin.


-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-


“I see him, thanks.” Tristan smiled brightly as he walked over to his blond boyfriend, making his way over to a corner booth. “Hey, Baby, sorry, I got held up.”

Joey nodded.

“Were you waiting long?” Joey shook his head no. Tristan read the look of uneasiness and hurt on Joey’s face instantly. “What happened, Joey…what’s wrong?”

Joey looked at Tristan, sorrow on his face. He couldn’t say it. He couldn’t. It wasn’t right to tell Tristan what happened. This was Yugi’s situation, not his. But that look of helplessness and loneliness on Yugi’s face invaded his mind. It polluted his thoughts. He had to let it out. He hadn’t wanted to let Yugi know how much he was hurting along with him. How horrible he felt for his best friend.

“Joey?”

With a sigh Joey met worried hazel eyes. “Something bad happened yesterday.”

Tristan swallowed before he replied. “Are you okay, Joey?”

“No.”

“What happened, Baby?”

The words felt like poison, to speak them…to speak them would mean it was true…that this wasn’t a horrible nightmare that he had yet to wake from. I’m telling him because I need him to help me help Yugi. He has a degree in psychology. It would feel good to let it out…but…

“Joey, I want to help. Whatever it is. Just tell me, Baby.”

“Yugi was raped.” The instant Joey said it Tristan could feel his heart sink. He could feel his body tense, and mind start running over what to say. Yugi…raped…it was incomprehensible. The look on Joey’s face as he kept his amber eyes on the linen tablecloth told him he had to say something. Anything.

“Joey, Baby…I’m so so sorry. Is he okay?”

“No, he’s…oh gods, Tris…”

“Is injured?”

“No. Well, he didn’t want to go to the hospital last night, or the police. I found him in the bathroom. He took a razor blade out of a box…he was going to… he said the pain wouldn’t stop…Tris…he…he could have…”

“It’s okay, Joey. It’s alright.” Tristan took a hand, glad Joey’s attention was still on the tablecloth, and placed it on his boyfriend’s shoulder. He didn’t want to let Joey see him tremble. This was a surreal conversation, all the brunet could think about was everything Joey ever told him about Yugi, about what was behind theade,ade, how he was a scared little boy underneath it all. Tristan took another swallow and squeezed Joey’s shoulder. “He’s going to be okay, Joey.”

“Tristan…it’s my fault…I should have been there…I should have protected him.”

“Joey, there’s no way you are to blame for this. The only person to blame is his attacker.” Tristan stroked Joey’s cheek, glad when the blond looked up. “Did he say anything about what happened.”

“Some things, some last night, some this afternoon. It was Malik, Tris. Malik did this to him. He made Ryou watch.”

“You’re not serious.” Joey nodded. The look on Tristan’s face grew colder; Joey could tell he was getting increasingly angry.

“I want him dead, Tristan.”

“You haven’t said that to Yugi, have you?”

“No.”

“Don’t, Joey. Right now he feels like he has no control over what happens. Being sexually assaulted took away his right to choose, and if you start telling him that you’re going to gter ter Malik and avenge what’s happened it could make him feel like he still doesn’t have any control over what’s happening around him. Malik will be dealt with, but don’t start making proclamations to that fact.”

“He looks so upset, Tristan…I’ve never seen him like this.”

“It’s going to be okay, because we’re going to help him deal with it. We’re going to help him remember that this isn’t his fault and that everything that happened yesterday was beyond his control. It’s so easy o ovo over what happened critically because you have time to fully analyze the situation. But you can’t do that, you only get a split moment to decide what to do. He’s a survivor, and I’m sure he did the best thing he could have given the situation.”

“He’s angry that he didn’t fight back.”

“I’m sure he would be. But he’s tiny, Malik could have really hurt him if he had fought back.”

“Yugi said that Malik told him he had to pay for what he did to Ryou.”

“I wasn’t aware Yugi knew Ryou.”

“According to them, Bakura was still with Ryou when Yugi got with him. Yugi stole Bakura away from Ryou so Malik was exacting revenge.”

“That’s a disgusting assessment. Whether or not Yugi was with Bakura when he was with Ryou is irrelevant to Malik attacking him. It doesn’t matter, you have no right to hurt anyone.”

“I know that. I don’t think Yugi does. He’s feeling guilt. And shame. Plus he already feels bad about sleeping with Brian and half the other guys he slept with. And then there’s the Yami issue, he feels abandoned, like he can’t trust anyone else, like someone’s gonna come along and hurt him. And that he deserves it.”

“I think he should see someone. If he doesn’t get treatment now, given his history, especially with the suicide attempt last year, he’s going to start a downward spiral all over again. All his behavior before what happened yesterday is textbook. He was engaging in risk taking activities, having sexual relationships with guys he didn’t know, living on the fringe, trying to act like his emotional hang-up with Yami and his inability to commit meant nothing to him.”

“I just, he’ll never see someone. He’s so ashamed, and hurt.”

“We have to try, Joey.” Tristan thought for a moment. “Where is he now? You didn’t leave him alone did you?”

“He wanted to see his grandfather. I’m going to go pick him up after I get off work.”

“You just have to be supportive, Joey. That’s the most important thing.” Joey looked at him and nodded. “It’s going to be frustrating with him. But you have to be tough. And you can’t make his decisions for him. Knowing you, you’ll go super protective of him. Not let him out of the house. Rape victims lose their control, so don’t take more of his control from him by deciding what’s best for him.”

“I just, I’m so scared something else will happen to him.”

“What about Bakura, what was his reaction.” Joey’s eyes narrowed. “Did Yugi talk to him?”

“Yugi’s not seeing Bakura again.”

“Joey, this is what I’m talking about, making decisions for him.”

“Bakura called twice today, that I know of, and Yugi didn’t pick up the phone. It’s not my decision. Though I have no problem dealing with Bakura if he doesn’t get the hint.”

“I think you’re being silly. Why not let Bakura help. I’m sure he’d want to get revenge on Malik.”

“He’s a party to it. Lying to Yugi like he did.”

“We don’t know that for sure.”

“Tristan, Bakura’s done. That’s it. He’s done. Yugi doesn’t need another guy looking for sex from him. His self-esteem is so low, he thinks he’s a little sex toy. That’s what he told me this morning. I am not allowing Bakura near him, and that’s final.”

“Joey, you’re being ridiculous. Bakura’s not after Yugi for the sex.”

“Don’t tell me you think he’s actually in love with him.”

“As a matter of fact…”

“Tristan, you’ve met Bakura all of what three times? Trust me, he’s no good for Yugi. And he’s not going near him again. Period.”

“Joey…I won’t argue with you. But I’m telling you, he’s not a bad guy at all. He’s good for Yugi.”

“Tristan, how could you possibly know that?” Tristan looked at Joey for a while. He couldn’t very well tell him about the email conversations they’d been having. He would have to email Bakura tonight though. Even if he didn’t tell him about Yugi’s attack, he didn’t want Joey pushing Bakura away. The way he saw it, Bakura was probably one of the only people that could probably really help Yugi right now. “Look, Tris, let’s just change the subject okay. This isn’t about Bakura.”

“You’re right. Let’s drop it.” Tristan looked at his boyfriend critically. “Joey, I hate to ask you this…but, well…did Malik use any protection?”

Joey looked at Tristan, his face full of pain. “Yugi told me this morning that he was using condoms, that were sitting in a box, but that he…ran out.”

Tristan’s eyes narrowed into furious slits. “He did it more than once, Joey?” Joey nodded. Tristan let his hand ball into a tight fist. He wouldn’t allow himself to let out his immediate anger, he didn’t want to upset Joey any more. All of his resentment and anger towards Yugi was gone now, all he could think about was how fragile and lonely and miserable he looked the night of Yami’s birthday party. He felt horrible he had ever disliked Yugi, and been angry with him. How could someone do this to him? It made him sick inside.

When he was sure he was under control enough he looked at Joey for a while, gathering up his thoughts. “Baby, it’s very important that we go take him to get checked out. There are some clinics we could take him to, he could be completely anonymous if he wants to be. And he can get some tests run, just to make sure there’s nothing wrong.”

“Oh, GODS! You don’t think…”

“No, I don’t. But it is better he is checked out to make sure there isn’t anything wrong.”

“I don’t even know how to ask him about getting checked out.”

“Joey, he needs to go. This isn’t the type of thing you wait on.”

“I don’t know what to do, Tris.”

“We’re just going to have to be strong for him, Baby. He needs us to be strong for him. He needs you to be strong for him.” Joey looked into Tristan’s eyes. How could he be strong for him, how could he after what had happened. Joey blinked back a few tears.

“Joey, it’s okay to cry. You can be strong and still cry. Let it out, holding it in will only make it worse, Baby.”

“He’s so upset, Tris…I don’t know what to do for him.”

“Be there for him. Show him how much you love him. I’ll make some phone calls, I’ll call my old college professors and see if they could recommend the name of a doctor he could talk to. He has a lot of underlining issues. And I’ll come with you when you go to pick him up from his grandfather’s house. I’ll tell him about the clinic. He needs to be checked out. I’ll go with him if it’ll help.”

“I don’t know if he’ll be okay.”

“He will be okay, Joey. We’re going to do whatever if takes for him to be okay.”


-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-


Yugi came out to the car, a little surprised to see Tristan sitting in the back seat. He felt his body tense up. Of course Joey would tell him what happened. Why wouldn’t he? And now Tristan knew, he was probably full of opinions on the matter. He probably didn’t even believe him. Yugi took a deep breath and got into the car.

“Hey, Yug.” Joey leaned over and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “Did you have a good time with your grandfather?”

“It was okay.” Yugi put on his seatbelt. He didn’t acknowledge the guy in the backseat, not sure what he was supposed to say. He was angry Joey would tell Tristan about it. He hadn’t wanted anyone else to know. He had resolved that he was just going to have to suck it up and get over it. He couldn’t be a baby about this anymore. He just felt like this right now because it had just happened. He’d feel fine soon enough. He had been doing the wrong thing, and he had to pay the price eventually. No use crying over spilled milk.

“I made an appointment with my professor to ask him for a little help for my test, Yugi. I forgot all about it, but it’s too late to cancel. It shouldn’t take more than an hour. Tristan offered to cook dinner tonight.”

“He’s staying at the apartment while you’re gone?”

“Only if it’s okay with you, Yugi.” Yugi glanced over his shoulder, giving Tristan a look. “I won’t stay if it would make you uncomfortable.” Yugi sat back in his seat.

“Whatever. I don’t care.” Joey sighed silently. Yugi was at it already, pretending nothing was bothering him. He didn’t want to leave him alone with Tristan, but he promised Tristan he’d give him a chance. So Joey was going to go driving around for an hour, so Tristan could talk to Yugi privately.

Tristan told him he didn’t want Joey there, because he didn’t want Yugi to feel like it was two on one. He also promised that he would convince Yugi to go get checked out. Joey admitted that he didn’t know what to say to Yugi because he was afraid of upsetting him, or of Yugi pushing him away. So Tristan said that he’d handle it. This was Tristan’ one and only chance, if it didn’t work Joey wasn’t going to be leaving his boyfriend and best friend alone again.

Yugi and Tristan got out of the car. “I’ll be home as soon as I can, Yug.” Yugi said nothing and slammed the door. Joey cast a glance at the brunet. Tristan gave him a reassuring look. Yugi didn’t wait for Tristan as he headed into the building. They said nothing as they entered the apartment.

“Did you have anything in mind, that you wanted to eat?”

“I don’t care.”

“Is pasta okay?”

“Whatever.”

“Did you want something else?”

“Just stop it, Tristan. You don’t have to pretend. I know Joey told you what happened yesterday.” Tristan looked at Yugi for a moment. It looked like Yugi wanted to get right down to it. Tristan took a deep breath, adjusting his game plan to compensate fogi’sgi’s behavior.

“I’m very sorry, I was upset to hear what had happened.”

“Yeah right.”

“I would never wish rape on anyone, Yugi. And I am very sorry about what happened to you. I can’t even imagine what you must be feeling right now.” Yugi looked away. “If there’s anything I can do, don’t hesitate to ask me.”

“I don’t need your help.”

“Joey’s pretty worried about you.”

“He shouldn’t be. I’m fine.”

“You don’t sound fine. You sound hurt and scared. You sound like you’re throwing out hostility as a defense mechanism.”

“Oh, great, now I haou tou trying to throw your psych degree in my face. Just stop it, Tristan. I don’t want to talk about it. Especially with you. You’re the last person I’d want to talk to. I don’t like you. I never will. So just save your energy.”

Yugi leaned against the counter, looking away. Tristan said nothing for a moment. He knew he had hope, Yugi hadn’t stormed into his bedroom yet. “Yugi, listen, I’ll be honest with you. I asked Joey if I could talk to you alone. I thought that I could get through to you. But I’m not any good at this.”

“I don’t need you, Tristan. That’s what you keep missing. I don’t want you here.”

“It’s not your fault, Yugi.”

“You said if I felt uncomfortable you wouldn’t stay. So go.”

“You are not to blame for what to happened to you, Yugi.”

“That’s nice.”

“He had no right to hurt you. He had no right to force himself on you.”

Yugi spun around, his eyes flaring with anger. “I told you to get out of my apartment!”

“It is not your fault, Yugi.”

“SHUT UP!”

“You’re not to blame.”

Yugi’s temper was flaring. He couldn’t stand it anymore. “SHUT UP, TRISTAN. Don’t tell me whose fault it is! It is my fault. I went over there to fuck him! I went there so he could sleep with me! It is my fault. I was asking for it!”

“The moment you said “no” he should have stopped.”

“I pushed him. I provoked him.”

“He should not have hurt you. It doesn’t matter what you did in the past, it doesn’t matter why you went to his place. No is no, there isn’t a second interpretation. It’s not something that you can negotiate. It wasn’t your fault. End of discussion.”

“You have no idea what I feel like right now! None. Don’t sit here trying to be my friend. Don’t try to act like you understand me! You don’t!”

“I’ve never been raped, so no, I can’t say I know exactly how you feel. But I was just like youe, Ye, Yugi. I was lonely, and depressed. Running from meaningless situation to meaningless situation. I know what it’s like to feel so hurt, to feel so much pain and think there’s nothing that will ever make the pain go away.”

“Bullshit!”

“It’s true. When I was a freshman in college I kept running through guys, and second semester I found myself completely alone. My parents hated me, my friends wished I was dead. I got so depressed I couldn’t get up in the mornings. I would force myself to go to class because I knew if I failed out my parents would completely abandon me. I would go to bars and clubs, and go home with a different guy every night, just trying to forget how empty I felt inside. One day I took an exam and I knew I had bombed it. So that night I went home with two guys. It wasn’t enough. When I got back to my dorm room I thought that there was nothing that I could come home and show my parents. And since I didn’t have anyone else to turn to I decided that it was time to end it. So I grabbed a bottle of sleeping pills and swallowed them.”

Yugi made a face. “You’re making that up, Joey never told me that.”

Tristan met violet eyes, his flickering with something unreadable. “Joey never told you because Joey doesn’t know. No one does. I was too scared of death to go through with it. I forced myself to throw up when I got through half the bottle. I thought about what my high school basketball team told me after I came out to them, how I should kill myself and join our team captain in Fag Hell.”

Tristan looked away and walked over to the couch. Yugi followed him and sat next to him. “Tristan…I…”

“Actually, I have an irrational fear of spiders, and I remember thinking that if I die here nobody will even know I’m missing. And I’ll be decomposing in my room, and there will be spiders crawling all over my body. I had no one in my life that would even notice I was dead. I cried myself to sleep huddled on the floor of the bathroom, not knowing what to do.”

“Gods…Tristan…”

“It was close to my birthday, and I thought, well, let me just give it until my birthday. Let me try. I tried to deal with it by myself, but I only got worse. It got harder and harder to pretend I was okay. There were rumors all over the school about what I had been doing. I was so ashamed and alone, I just hid in my room. I spent most of the time crying. as das developing an eating disorder, because I couldn’t go to the dinning hall to eat, I was too scared of running into someone I had slept with. It took all of my courage to call my mom. She could hear the distress in my voice and she came down and helped me. I went into therapy. I couldn’t keep pretending there was nothing wrong with me. But I never told her, or even my therapist how close I got to ending it all.”

“I don’t know what to say, Tristan…” Yugi looked into his lap feeling horrible.

“I didn’t tell you because I want your sympathy. I told you because I want you to trust me. I want you to understand that I have felt as you feel. I know what it’s like to be helpless. I know what it feels like to think there is no one who can possibly understand. That it’s you against the world. But you have something I didn’t. You have Joey. Who will always love you unconditionally.”

“I feel so numb…I feel like I’ve been broken into a million pieces and I can’t put myself together again. It hurts so much. Every moment I feel like more of me is dying.”

“It’s okay, Yugi. It’s only natural to feel like that. But you shouldn’t have to suffer alone. Let me help you, please.”

“I don’t even know what to do…I feel so alone.”

“You’re not alone. Joey and I wie hee here.” Yugi looked at Tristan, focusing into hazel eyes. “Yugi, listen, the first thing you have to do, to start feeling better is to get checked out. I’m sure you feel bad going to your own doctor. But there are free clinics, and all types of trauma centers we could go to.”

“Checked out? What if…what if he gave me something?”

“It’s better to know sooner than later. Though I’m confident that you’re fine. It’s not just for that, but it’s good to be examined so you can make sure you don’t have any hidden injuries. I can come with you if you like. I know how scary it is to have tests run. As I began to recover from my depression I knew it was important I go get some tests. I had been living dangerously, having sexual relations with strangers, and I needed to make sure I hadn’t done anything harmful to myself.”

“I justl sol so guilty, Tristan. I feel like this is my fault.” Tristan looked at Yugi for a moment and stood up. He walked over to Joey’s book bag and looked through it. “What are you doing?”

Tristan returned. “Here.” Yugi looked at Tristan for a minute, unsure of what he was doing handing him Joey’s pocket dictionary. “I want you to look up the word “guilt”, Yugi.”

“What?”

“You said you were feeling guilty. So I want you to look up the definition of guilt. Go head.” Yugi looked at the brunet for a minute longer. He sighed and flipped through the pages.

“Did you find it?”

“Here.”

“Read it out loud, the first entry.” Yugi looked into serious hazel eyes and then back into the book. “Go ahead.”

“Guilt: noun. The fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, especially against moral or penal law.” Yugi looked back up, slowldersderstanding what Tristan was getting at. “Tristan…it was…”

“Not your fault. That’s it. It’s not up for debate, it’s not a matter of opinion. Nothing that can be said will change that. It’s not your fault, Yugi. You committed no offense, crime, violation, or wrong, so there is nothing to feel guilty about. You trusted that he would be a decent human being. That he would treat you with the respect you deserve as a human being. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done before. The moment you told him no he was supposed to stop. That’s it.”

“I just feel like…there’s…I know what you’re saying…but I still feel like this…”

“Then get help,i. i. This feeling won’t go away. It won’t stop because you ignore it. The longer you wait to see soe the the longer it will take to correct any other emotional damage you’ll put on yourself. You’ll feel more numb, you won’t be able to sleep because you’ll start having nightmares or flashbacks, you could even start developing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.”

“I thought only soldiers developed that.”

“Any traumatic event can trigger it. You could develop an eating disorder, you could slip into a serious depression. You could hurt yourself physically. I know what that’s like, Yugi. The pain gets so bad, you think if you just open yourself up a little bit…it will relieve it.”

“But you’re so much stronger than I am.”

“You’re just as strong as I am. If not stronger. I would have fallen apart a long time ago, going through what you have. The only difference between us is that I got help for it. I faced my demons. You don’t think I was scared, and lonely? I had days I couldn’t get out of bed, Yugi. I just kept trying to find something that could make me whole. I couldn’t. You can’t get over something like this by yourself. There’s no shame in talking to someone.”

“I couldn’t even afford to. I don’t think my insurance would cover it. And I wouldn’t even know where to go…”

“I got a name of a few doctors that deal exclusively with abused and assaulted people. And as for affording it, don’t worry about that. If your insurance doesn’t cover it then I will.”

Yugi narrowed his eyes. “Tristan, don’t even…”

“I’m serious, Yugi. It’s not like I can’t afford it. If the only thing that’s keeping you from getting treatment are your finances than I’ll take that out of the equation. Yugi, you remind me so much of me. I was so much like you not too long ago. Please, let me help you. Don’t push me away.”

“Why would you want to?”

“I want to help you because I don’t like seeing you suffer. I was so lucky my parents came around and helped me heal. I want to repay the favor. Let me help you heal.”

“I…I’m not promising anything.”

“Okay. You can just talk to one of the doctors, see what they have to say. They’ll be willing to work with you, it’s not as if they expect you to pour out your life story to them in the first two sessions.”

“What’s it like?”

“They ask you what you want to talk about. I didn’t tellm abm about all the guys I was seeing and running around with until maybe a month into it. Eventually, I just wanted to get it out. The nice thing is, they don’t judge you. They don’t scold you or tell you that what you’re doing is wrong. They help you understand why you’re doing these things. And help you deal with things you’ve gone through.”

“And it helped you, a lot?”

“A whole lot. I feel so much better. Come on, Yugi, you see how cocky I am.” Yugi smiled a little. “I was calling the doctors at work. One of the doctors I talked to, she seemed very nice, she told me that she recommends her patients use this workbook, The Courage To Heal. To help them get over some of the anxiety and hurt they’re feeling. I looked up the book online, it looks promising.”

“When would she meet with me?”

“Whenever is good for you. She has a very flexible schedule. You could meet her a couple times a week if you wanted to. You don’t have to feel bad for pouring out how you feel to her, because that’s what she’s here for. She’s a sounding board. Encouraging and caring.”

“I’m scared, Tristan.”

“You don’t have to attend the sessions alone at first. Joey or I could sit with you if it would make you more comfortable.”

“I can’t even say the words…I can’t even say that word. It’s like, if I say it…then it really happened, you know.”

“I know.”

“I guess it wouldn’t hurt to meet her, and talk to her a little bit. Would you come with me, like would you wait for me in the waiting room or something?”

“I’d be honored to.” Tristan gave Yugi a bright smile. Yugi looked at him for a minute, and smiled back when Tristan moved closer to him. He put his arms out, and allowed Tristan to hug him. It felt good to have Tristan hugging him, worrying about him. Maybe because he was more removed from it than Joey was. Tristan seemed at ease talking about stuff with him. Joey acted like he would fall completely apart just by bringing it up. Tristan was understanding, and caring.

And Yugi felt horrible, all this time hating him. All this time trying to sabotage his relationship with Joey. “Tristan, I’m sorry about Brian…I’m sorry I’ve been…”

“Yugi, please. There’s nothing to apologize to me for. None of that matters.”

“I keep getting phone calls, from some of them.”

“We’ll get your cell phone number changed.”

“I’m still uneasy. I don’t want to rush into anything.”

“You don’t have to. We can go get you checked out at the clinic first. We’ll take this one step at a time. If you want to wait a little bit to talk to someone you can. In the meantime, Joey and I will be more than willing to listen to anything.”

Yugi let Tristan go. “You make it sound so easy.”

“It’s not. Rape isn’t something that ever really goes away. A therapist will help you deal with the long-term effects. There’s a long road of recovery ahead. But if you’re patient you’ll start feeling a lot better.”

“I just feel like there’s no one I can really trust. Like Bakura. He lied to me.”

“Are you sure he was still with Ryou when you got with him?”

“That’s what he said.”

“Even if that was the case, Yugi, Bakura isn’t to blame. There is only one person to blame for this, and that is Malik. Case closed.”

“I don’t think I can ever see Bakura again. He called me three times today. I haven’t been picking up. We got in a big fight the last time I saw him. I don’t think I could deal with what he’d think of me now.”

“If he loves you like I think he does, he’ll understand. It’s your choice, if you don’t want to tell him what happened you don’t have to. I just wouldn’t count him out just yet. But if you feel like having anything else to do with him would be too painful for you you should at least make a clean break. Leaving it unfinished won’t make the situation any better.”

“I know.”

“The most important thing right now is to heal. Sometimes it’s painful to deal with things that you were able to ignore until now. But in the long run it will make the process of recovering that much better. I talked to a lot of the people I had hurt and had been hurt by. I just needed to have closure, tie up lose ends.”

“Tristan, can you do me a favor?”

“Sure.”

“I know how angry Joey is…and this might sound weird…but I…can you keep Joey out of trouble. I know if given the chance he’ll do something bad to Malik and Ryou. I don’t think they should get away with it, I just…I don’t want Joey to put himself in danger. Please, don’t let Joey do anything horrible to them…”

“I already told Joey that we’d deal with Malik. But I promise you I won’t allow Joey to be ruled by blind fury. The most important thing right now is making sure you’re okay. Malik is too cocky…he won’t be going anywhere.”

“You don’t think he’d come after me again, do you?”

“No. He’s not that stupid. Besides, I get the feeling Joey won’t let you out of his sight for a while.”


-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-


Joey opened the apartment door to see Yugi sitting on the couch next to Tristan, both of them eating. “Everything okay?” Yugi looked up and nodded.

“We saved you some, Baby. It’s in the microwavJoeyJoey looked at Tristan.

“Okay.” Did this mean things had gone well? Yugi was sitting in a pair of Joey’s sweat pants, and matching sweatshirt. His hair was damp, which meant Yugi had probably gone to take another shower. He looked okay, better than he did this morning. Was it possible? Had Tristan managed to work things out with Yugi?

“Yugi and I are going to go get him checked out on Thursday.”

Joey looked at Yugi who nodded. “Sounds good, Yug.”

“I’m going to go lay down and take a nap,” Yugi said simply. “I don’t feel to good, I have a headache.”

“Why don’t you take half a sleeping pill, it should knock you out, and hopefully prevent any nightmares or flashbacks,” Tristan suggested. Yugi looked at him.

“Okay, Tristan.” Yugi looked at Joey, not sure how to ask. “Joey, could you…maybe lay with me until I fall asleep?”

“Of course, Yug.” Joey slipped off his shoes and followed Yugi into his bedroom.

“Baby, I’m going to make you some salad okay, Yugi and I ate it all.”

“Alright.”

“Can I use your computer, I have to check my email.”

“Sure, Tris.” Tristan walked over to the fridge and pulled out vegetables. He didn’t know what he was going to write to Bakura. Although he had a feeling he already had an email from the white-haired man. Damn it, he certainly couldn’t tell Bakura what had happened. But he knew Yugi would never call him back, and Joey would probably get into a fight with him if given the opportunity.

He had to do something though. He did believe Yugi needed Bakura. He just knew Bakura would understand and be accepting.

Yugi needed him right now.


Author’s Endnotes: Sorry this chapter’s not all that long, but look on the bright side, you got a Tristan and Yugi reconciliation, and you got to find out what Tristan’s other fear is. Yeah, I know, spiders aren’t all that fun. Not as much as clowns…but what do you want from me. Hehe… Well, let’s see… so Yugi’s a little clingy at the moment… and still filled with self doubt… poor little thing has more issues thamagamagazine. And yes… what about Bakura? He didn’t make an appearance this go round…but he’s been calling. What will Yugi say to him… what will Bakura do? And that darn Joey… if he gets to Bakura first all hell is gonna break loose. Anyway… here’s what’s going down next:


“And I told you not to call here again, Bakura. Yugi doesn’t want to have anything else to do with you… don’t call him again.”

“Fuck you, Blondie. Put Yugi on the phone, I’m tired of your fuckbullbullshit.”

“What part of no are you having trouble with.”

“I’d hate to have to come over there and do some cosmetic surgery on your fucking face, Joey. I’m not playing with you. I swear to fucking God, if you don’t put Yugi on the damn phone right fucking now…” Joey hung up.

“That fucking asshole, who the fuck does he think he’s talking too!” Joey suddenly became aware that Yugi standing in the doorway, staring at him with startled violet eyes. Wonderful, Joey… won wonderful…