Yugi In Bakaland
folder
Yu-Gi-Oh › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
5
Views:
1,738
Reviews:
38
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Yu-Gi-Oh › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
5
Views:
1,738
Reviews:
38
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own YuGiOh!, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Yugi In Bakaland
MSTer's Note: I wasn’t going to do this at first. I thought the basic idea was a good one and that it just needed a beta and editing, and said so in a review. But the authoress cannot seem to accept suggestions and advice w/out getting defensive over them. Apparently she takes the suggestion that maybe the fic could stand to be better organized and whatnot as a flame. That is not a flame, that it what reviews are actually supposed to be, not something like ‘SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! It’s cute! I love it! MOREMOREMORE!’. But I digress. So, in light of that and the fact that it was requested that I do this, here is “Yugi in Bakaland, ” an MST of a similarly named fic. My comments are in [], the rest is the original author’s drivel.
Bakurasgirl, I dedicate this to you. ^_^
The day started like any other day.
[And the fic started out like any other trite piece of mindless drivel…uninterestingly.]
Birds were singing, people were scurying [scurrying] around like busy ants, the sun was shining.
[Three independent clauses were separated by comas, readers with a decent grasp of the English language shuddered, the MST bird went to work.]
Said sunshine shinned
[Huh? Since when did the noun ‘shin’ become a verb? So what was the sunshine doing? Does that mean it formerly had a shin in the past? Ye gods, we’re still in the real world, and already things are getting trippy.]
through the window and on Yugi's face.
[Ouch…poor Yugi got shinned in the face. Yami’s not gonna like that….]
It stirred him awake
[I hope it didn’t give him a concussion in the process.]
and he rolled over to see that his alarm clock read five to seven.
[The alarm clock can read…I am frightened.]
He then gasped and jumped out of bed to get dressed in a flurry
[A flurry? Why would he want to get dressed in the snow?]
then dashed out of the house as he grabbed his school bag and a poptart.
[Pop culture 101: The aforementioned brand name breakfast food should be capitalized and hyphenated. Pop-Tarts.]
As Yugi ran down the sidewalk, the words "I'm late" repeated themselves
[How can a word repeat itself? It has to be thought or spoken by a sentient being to be said in the first place, then the being has to say it over and over for it to be repeated. A word itself can do nothing. Or is this supposed to be an abstract thing like MC Escher’s Drawing Hands sketch?
{For those of you who don’t know, MC Escher did a sketch of 2 hands coming off of their piece of paper drawing each other.}]
in his mind like a sacred mantra. They only stopped
[Must be the Escher thing, then.]
when he took a sharp turn left to take a shortcut down this alley
[This alley? Why not that alley? Or that one over there?]
and stopped in his tracks when he saw a man standing in the middle of the alley.
[Confusion- are this alley and the alley the same alley?]
He was pretty tall
[Hell, almost everyone’s tall to Yugi.]
with long grayish white hair, deep blue eyes, white robes and...rabbit ears?
[*pictures Yue as a Playboy Bunny…dies laughing*]
Yes girls! It's Yue from CardCaptor Sakura as the White Rabbit!
[Girls? What girls? *re-reads the first couple paragraphs* Oooookaaaaay….
Y’know, I’m sure the gay and/or bisexual males that would love to ogle Yue don’t appreciate being excluded here.]
*Five minute break for drolling*
[Droll is an adjective. A person cannot go drolling. And who the hell is drolling, anyway? Hmmm… I know! Must be those weird little Escher words that can repeat themselves.
Speaking of droll, this fic is anything BUT.]
Oookkk. I guess the fangirls are happy...
[The Escher words have a fucked-up idea of what make us happy. Oh well.]
Well,
[That’s a deep subject]
poor Yugi thought that he was half awake and still dreaming
[Having a nightmare is more like it. Poor thing, getting shinned in the face really did give him a concussion.]
as he looked at Yui
[Where’d he come from? I remember there being a Yue here…]
Rabbit who pulled out a Duel Monsters card.
[And is Yui Rabbit any relation to Roger by any chance?]
"I summon Mystic Rabbit Hole," Yui said in his ultra cool and mystifying voice.
[I’ve been mystified from the get-go. Is this a fic or some sugar-high pre-adolescent fangirl’s screwed up idea of a wet dream?]
*Five minute break for drolling*
[Those Escher words like doing that, don’t they?]
Hmmm, I wonder how many more times this is going to happen?
[In a perfect world, none. But the world is not perfect. In fact, it can be downright hellish, so I’m not even going to think about how many times this may happen.]
As soon as Yui Rabbit said this, a rabbit hole appeared right under Yugi and it wasn't long before Mr. Gravity
[I’m not even going to comment on that infantile attempt at personification]
tooked
[That isn’t even a word. I believe you mean ‘took.’]
over and poor sweet Yugi began to fall...and fall...and fall...
[Much like my interest here.]
"Wow, this is a long drop," Yugi said
[I’d like to know who the hell comments to himself like that as he plummets down a hole.]
as he continued to fall through an
[A, not an. The word ‘not’ does not begin w/ a vowel.]
not so ordinary rabbit hole. Instead of dirt walls, there was red wall paper
[Wallpaper is one word. And was there just wallpaper hanging around or was it actually on a wall?]
with white line
[Is it ‘a white line’ or ‘white lines?’]
that had pink hearts in them.
[Then I shall assume there are multiple lines.]
On the walls
[Well, that answers that.]
were shelves that stored all sorts of things from books to knick knacks. In the air were various peices
[‘I’ before ‘E,’ except after ‘C’.]
of furniture such as chairs, couches, tables and even a couple globes.
[After saying that there was furniture in the air, a list different types is rather uninteresting and redundant.]
Yugi tried to duck and dodge the furniture but yet
[You work for the department of redundancy department, don’t you?]
every time he did so he would begin to spin widly.
[…every time he did so he would begin to spin widely? That’s a rather odd mental image.]
Then, Yugi thought he was about to lose his cookies
[Poor thing, this fic has traumatized him already.]
(which he nearly did since they weren't packed very well in his school bag)
[Um…no. Just don’t even try. Wit and clever humour are simply not within your meager abilities.]
he made it through the other end of the rabbit hole.
[Waitasec… *rereads* “Then, Yugi thought he was about to lose his cookies he made it through the other end of the rabbit hole.” That’s what I thought…it makes no sense whatsoever.]
Poor little Yugi...
[Finally we agree on something.]
"Stop calling me little!" Yugi shouted.
[And he heard this how?]
...sorry... *sweet drop*
[Oh, it was the Escher words again. Gotcha.
Now what the hell’s a ‘sweet drop?’ Are the Escher words trying to bribe him to stay in this fic?]
Yugi fell some 20ft through the air and landed in a giant pile of leaves and his homemade cookies fell out of his schoolbag and spilled out onto the ground.
[And run on sentences abound here and the word ‘and’ gets overused and commas are ignored and the reader gets a migraine.]
"Cookie!" came a male squeal and Yugi jumped when Akio cat appeared out of nowheres and sat down at the edge of the leaves where he grabbed to
[‘To’ is a preposition. I believe you mean TWO.]
cookies and promptly stuff both of them in his mouth.
[And another run on sentence makes an appearance and you usually can’t tell what gender it is if they squeal and 'nowheres' isn’t a word and the rule of subject-verb agreement dictates that he STUFFED the cookies in his mouth.]
Yugi looked on with surprise and blinked his eyes twice
[Really relevant info, I’m sure.]
as Akio Cat looked back at him with a big grin as he chewed the cookies.
[That would mean he’s chewing w/ his mouth open. Eww….]
"Ex...excuse me," Yugi said whenfinafinally regained his voice.
[When did he lose it?]
"Ymphf," Akio Cat said, his mouth full of cookies.
[Charming.]
"Huh?" Yugi asked and Akio Cat swallowed everything all at once.
[Someone is severely lacking in table manners.]
"Yes?" he asked, flashing a sexy seductive smile at Yugi.
[After that display, who would find that sexy? I bet he even has cookie crumbs in his teeth.]
"Uh...who are you?" Yugi asked.
"Formally, I am the Chesire Cat
[Cheshire Cat]
but you can call me Akio cat," he said as he got on his hands and knees to crawl closer to sweet innocent Yugi.
[Run, Yugi, run! It’s a poorly portrayed crossover character!]
Akio Cat looked very much like Akio...
[Ya THINK?]
save for the fact that he had purple cat ears instead of human ears and a fluffy purple tail.
[The ‘instead of human ears’ can be axed. Oh yeah…department of redundancy department. Never mind.]
Save for those tight purple leather pants and boots, those are the only cloths that he's wearing.
[Trans: Except for those tight leather pants and boots, those are the only pieces of cloth that he’s wearing.
What else is he wearing? The ears and tail are made to sound like they’re natural, so it can’t be those. Besides, those aren’t cloths. Why is he wearing cloth anyway?
And again, verb tense.]
"Oook, uh. Where are we?" Yugi asked.
[Oook? What kind of noise is that?]
"Why, we're in Wonderland my little morsel," Akio Cat said when he was no more than five inches away from Yugi.
[Run Yugi! He’s gonna eat you!
*pictures Akio as Nala and Yugi as Pumba…dies*]
"Wonderland!? I thought that was just a myth!" Yugi exclaimed.
[Actually, it’s the setting of a couple of books by Lewis Carroll…a GOOD author.]
"As you can see, it's quite real," Akio Cat said and Yugi pouted.
[Um…why?]
"Awww, why don't you stay with me. I know everything about this land," Akio Cat said.
[He’s doomed.
That needs to be 2 separate sentences, btw.]
"Thankyou," Yugi said as his face brighten back up and he bowed to Akio Cat, "That's very kind of you," and Yugi smiled.
[There’s just so must wrong w/ this sentence, I’m not even going to bother.]
"You're welcome, now let's pick up these cookies and go," Akio Cat said. Yugi nodded and helped to pick up the cookies.
'He's 'so' cute, I could just eat him all up.
[I knew it! Run Pum-, I mean Yugi. Run while there’s still time!]
But patience, I must wait for the right moment,' Akio thought.
[Poor, poor Yugi.]
So, once the cookies were all picked up and packed away, the two set out to begin their journey.
[Journey to where? Where are they going? Where is this ‘plot’ going? And do I even want to know?]
Bakurasgirl, I dedicate this to you. ^_^
The day started like any other day.
[And the fic started out like any other trite piece of mindless drivel…uninterestingly.]
Birds were singing, people were scurying [scurrying] around like busy ants, the sun was shining.
[Three independent clauses were separated by comas, readers with a decent grasp of the English language shuddered, the MST bird went to work.]
Said sunshine shinned
[Huh? Since when did the noun ‘shin’ become a verb? So what was the sunshine doing? Does that mean it formerly had a shin in the past? Ye gods, we’re still in the real world, and already things are getting trippy.]
through the window and on Yugi's face.
[Ouch…poor Yugi got shinned in the face. Yami’s not gonna like that….]
It stirred him awake
[I hope it didn’t give him a concussion in the process.]
and he rolled over to see that his alarm clock read five to seven.
[The alarm clock can read…I am frightened.]
He then gasped and jumped out of bed to get dressed in a flurry
[A flurry? Why would he want to get dressed in the snow?]
then dashed out of the house as he grabbed his school bag and a poptart.
[Pop culture 101: The aforementioned brand name breakfast food should be capitalized and hyphenated. Pop-Tarts.]
As Yugi ran down the sidewalk, the words "I'm late" repeated themselves
[How can a word repeat itself? It has to be thought or spoken by a sentient being to be said in the first place, then the being has to say it over and over for it to be repeated. A word itself can do nothing. Or is this supposed to be an abstract thing like MC Escher’s Drawing Hands sketch?
{For those of you who don’t know, MC Escher did a sketch of 2 hands coming off of their piece of paper drawing each other.}]
in his mind like a sacred mantra. They only stopped
[Must be the Escher thing, then.]
when he took a sharp turn left to take a shortcut down this alley
[This alley? Why not that alley? Or that one over there?]
and stopped in his tracks when he saw a man standing in the middle of the alley.
[Confusion- are this alley and the alley the same alley?]
He was pretty tall
[Hell, almost everyone’s tall to Yugi.]
with long grayish white hair, deep blue eyes, white robes and...rabbit ears?
[*pictures Yue as a Playboy Bunny…dies laughing*]
Yes girls! It's Yue from CardCaptor Sakura as the White Rabbit!
[Girls? What girls? *re-reads the first couple paragraphs* Oooookaaaaay….
Y’know, I’m sure the gay and/or bisexual males that would love to ogle Yue don’t appreciate being excluded here.]
*Five minute break for drolling*
[Droll is an adjective. A person cannot go drolling. And who the hell is drolling, anyway? Hmmm… I know! Must be those weird little Escher words that can repeat themselves.
Speaking of droll, this fic is anything BUT.]
Oookkk. I guess the fangirls are happy...
[The Escher words have a fucked-up idea of what make us happy. Oh well.]
Well,
[That’s a deep subject]
poor Yugi thought that he was half awake and still dreaming
[Having a nightmare is more like it. Poor thing, getting shinned in the face really did give him a concussion.]
as he looked at Yui
[Where’d he come from? I remember there being a Yue here…]
Rabbit who pulled out a Duel Monsters card.
[And is Yui Rabbit any relation to Roger by any chance?]
"I summon Mystic Rabbit Hole," Yui said in his ultra cool and mystifying voice.
[I’ve been mystified from the get-go. Is this a fic or some sugar-high pre-adolescent fangirl’s screwed up idea of a wet dream?]
*Five minute break for drolling*
[Those Escher words like doing that, don’t they?]
Hmmm, I wonder how many more times this is going to happen?
[In a perfect world, none. But the world is not perfect. In fact, it can be downright hellish, so I’m not even going to think about how many times this may happen.]
As soon as Yui Rabbit said this, a rabbit hole appeared right under Yugi and it wasn't long before Mr. Gravity
[I’m not even going to comment on that infantile attempt at personification]
tooked
[That isn’t even a word. I believe you mean ‘took.’]
over and poor sweet Yugi began to fall...and fall...and fall...
[Much like my interest here.]
"Wow, this is a long drop," Yugi said
[I’d like to know who the hell comments to himself like that as he plummets down a hole.]
as he continued to fall through an
[A, not an. The word ‘not’ does not begin w/ a vowel.]
not so ordinary rabbit hole. Instead of dirt walls, there was red wall paper
[Wallpaper is one word. And was there just wallpaper hanging around or was it actually on a wall?]
with white line
[Is it ‘a white line’ or ‘white lines?’]
that had pink hearts in them.
[Then I shall assume there are multiple lines.]
On the walls
[Well, that answers that.]
were shelves that stored all sorts of things from books to knick knacks. In the air were various peices
[‘I’ before ‘E,’ except after ‘C’.]
of furniture such as chairs, couches, tables and even a couple globes.
[After saying that there was furniture in the air, a list different types is rather uninteresting and redundant.]
Yugi tried to duck and dodge the furniture but yet
[You work for the department of redundancy department, don’t you?]
every time he did so he would begin to spin widly.
[…every time he did so he would begin to spin widely? That’s a rather odd mental image.]
Then, Yugi thought he was about to lose his cookies
[Poor thing, this fic has traumatized him already.]
(which he nearly did since they weren't packed very well in his school bag)
[Um…no. Just don’t even try. Wit and clever humour are simply not within your meager abilities.]
he made it through the other end of the rabbit hole.
[Waitasec… *rereads* “Then, Yugi thought he was about to lose his cookies he made it through the other end of the rabbit hole.” That’s what I thought…it makes no sense whatsoever.]
Poor little Yugi...
[Finally we agree on something.]
"Stop calling me little!" Yugi shouted.
[And he heard this how?]
...sorry... *sweet drop*
[Oh, it was the Escher words again. Gotcha.
Now what the hell’s a ‘sweet drop?’ Are the Escher words trying to bribe him to stay in this fic?]
Yugi fell some 20ft through the air and landed in a giant pile of leaves and his homemade cookies fell out of his schoolbag and spilled out onto the ground.
[And run on sentences abound here and the word ‘and’ gets overused and commas are ignored and the reader gets a migraine.]
"Cookie!" came a male squeal and Yugi jumped when Akio cat appeared out of nowheres and sat down at the edge of the leaves where he grabbed to
[‘To’ is a preposition. I believe you mean TWO.]
cookies and promptly stuff both of them in his mouth.
[And another run on sentence makes an appearance and you usually can’t tell what gender it is if they squeal and 'nowheres' isn’t a word and the rule of subject-verb agreement dictates that he STUFFED the cookies in his mouth.]
Yugi looked on with surprise and blinked his eyes twice
[Really relevant info, I’m sure.]
as Akio Cat looked back at him with a big grin as he chewed the cookies.
[That would mean he’s chewing w/ his mouth open. Eww….]
"Ex...excuse me," Yugi said whenfinafinally regained his voice.
[When did he lose it?]
"Ymphf," Akio Cat said, his mouth full of cookies.
[Charming.]
"Huh?" Yugi asked and Akio Cat swallowed everything all at once.
[Someone is severely lacking in table manners.]
"Yes?" he asked, flashing a sexy seductive smile at Yugi.
[After that display, who would find that sexy? I bet he even has cookie crumbs in his teeth.]
"Uh...who are you?" Yugi asked.
"Formally, I am the Chesire Cat
[Cheshire Cat]
but you can call me Akio cat," he said as he got on his hands and knees to crawl closer to sweet innocent Yugi.
[Run, Yugi, run! It’s a poorly portrayed crossover character!]
Akio Cat looked very much like Akio...
[Ya THINK?]
save for the fact that he had purple cat ears instead of human ears and a fluffy purple tail.
[The ‘instead of human ears’ can be axed. Oh yeah…department of redundancy department. Never mind.]
Save for those tight purple leather pants and boots, those are the only cloths that he's wearing.
[Trans: Except for those tight leather pants and boots, those are the only pieces of cloth that he’s wearing.
What else is he wearing? The ears and tail are made to sound like they’re natural, so it can’t be those. Besides, those aren’t cloths. Why is he wearing cloth anyway?
And again, verb tense.]
"Oook, uh. Where are we?" Yugi asked.
[Oook? What kind of noise is that?]
"Why, we're in Wonderland my little morsel," Akio Cat said when he was no more than five inches away from Yugi.
[Run Yugi! He’s gonna eat you!
*pictures Akio as Nala and Yugi as Pumba…dies*]
"Wonderland!? I thought that was just a myth!" Yugi exclaimed.
[Actually, it’s the setting of a couple of books by Lewis Carroll…a GOOD author.]
"As you can see, it's quite real," Akio Cat said and Yugi pouted.
[Um…why?]
"Awww, why don't you stay with me. I know everything about this land," Akio Cat said.
[He’s doomed.
That needs to be 2 separate sentences, btw.]
"Thankyou," Yugi said as his face brighten back up and he bowed to Akio Cat, "That's very kind of you," and Yugi smiled.
[There’s just so must wrong w/ this sentence, I’m not even going to bother.]
"You're welcome, now let's pick up these cookies and go," Akio Cat said. Yugi nodded and helped to pick up the cookies.
'He's 'so' cute, I could just eat him all up.
[I knew it! Run Pum-, I mean Yugi. Run while there’s still time!]
But patience, I must wait for the right moment,' Akio thought.
[Poor, poor Yugi.]
So, once the cookies were all picked up and packed away, the two set out to begin their journey.
[Journey to where? Where are they going? Where is this ‘plot’ going? And do I even want to know?]