Chocolat, Chokoreeto, Theobramaticus… Chocolate

Hey guys… me again
Sekura: yeah, as if we hadn’t seen enough of you lately…OD&D is at chapter six hundred and what now?

Shut up, you’re just the muse.

Sekura: FINE! See if I care how you write! *hears footsteps and a door slam*
well… that officially sucks… let’s get on with it, shall we? A little shorter fic than OD&D… and it’s not quite in the same universe… imagine this to be the reality had OD&D never existed…

Sekura: *sulks back in*

Well, look who came crawline back

Sekura: our loveable Phantom doesn’t own anything except his twisted sense of humour, so don’t sue him.. he’s just trying to give someone a gift…

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Chocolat, Chokoreeto, Theobramaticus… Chocolate

(for Seto)

Chapter I – "I laughed the loudest, who’d have known?"

I hate my life.

Why did everything have to get so Ra-damned complicated? By the dice, for one brief moment, I had everything. My life was perfect! And then it all came crashing down around me. Ironically, it all had to have started with the very reason why everything was so wonderful in the first place. I mean, I had everything anyone could ask for, an über-successful business and a game which was flying off the shelves; my own personal servant in the form of Jounouchi, perpetually clad in his dog suit for an indefinite amount of time; my own throng of fangirls to pass away the boring hours otherwise known as school; my impeccable senses of style and fashion; and of course, my own personal theme song. I had everything and everyone I needed to make my life pure bliss wrapped around my little finger. But most importantly, I had him. The man who could make my heart skip a beat and jump into my throat simply by walking into a room. The one I felt I could love unconditionally for all eternity. The mere sound of his voice could—and does reduce me to a quivering puddle of goo, a willing slave, ready to believe anything he tells me. Yes, I had him, he was mine, the one and only Seto Kaiba. (a/n: sorry guys, but I can’t bring myself to write Kaiba Seto… the other way just sounds so much nicer…)

For three long years I had lusted over him. At first, it was just an annoyance at his self-righteous, narcissistic attitude, but steadily, it grew into more of an infatuation I haven’t been able to shake since. As soon as we met, I knew we had so much in common, so it was only logical I thought there to be no reason why we couldn’t be lovers. I mean, we both had very successful enterprises which are dramatically revolutionizing the gaming world, creating a virtual dimension of dueling domination in Domino; we both had a particular, cultivated dislike for a certain diminutive brat who commonly goes by the name Yugi; we even both enjoyed the thrill of seeing Jounouchi-kun in a dog suit. Well, truth be told, I only pulled that little stunt because I had heard you enjoyed torturing the little make inu… Not to say I didn’t thoroughly enjoy myself, because I did. Furthermore, it wasn’t even as if we didn’t get along. We occasionally hung out outside of school and frequently ran into each other at business functions on numerous occasions and during everyone of them, you managed to take my breath away, your subtle elegance overshadows anyone in your presence. Oh, and did I mention he’s sexy as hell?

That was three years ago. I thought for sure I had no chance with him, as our high school careers were drawing to a finale, the likes of which unfathomable even to myself, and I had still failed to capture the object of my desires. Time was running out and I was about ready to cut my es aes and move on. So, imagine my surprise when, the day before graduation, I get a call from my beloved Seto, asking me out. Needless to say, I was beside myself, rushing around to make every preparation I could think of. I was going to make graduation perfect for Seto and I—or I would die try

The night finally came and I was dressed to kill in my full-length formal blue/green iridescent ball gown and three inch heels—well, no. More like my best black tuxedo with a red silk shirt, I wasn’t a big fan of white at the time. The night was, for lack of a better word, heavenly. I spent all night with the one person I had desired to have in my arms since I first moved to Domino, he really is a truly magnificent dancer—far better than I would have initially given him credit for. But my perfect evening didn’t end there, we ended up skipping the school sanctioned activity which was to follow in favour of a quiet night in a nearby park, where my world would be turned upside down the second Seto leaned in and spontaneously pressed his lips to mine. Much as though it was being sucked into a giant vortex, my world spun away, leaving only me and my crush, kissing in the doorway to oblivion. I’m convinced at that point, time as I knew it ceased to exist, as the next thing I knew, or perhaps remember is the better word, my head was being cradled in Seto’s lap, while I was laying on my back, making out with him in the back seat of his car while he was trying to get into my pants. Now normally, had I thought this was a one-time thing, I would have granted him that access without a moment’s hesitation. But we were officially dating, so I felt as though I couldn’t in good faith give him everything he wanted on the first night. A little more playing around and we found ourselves at my house, I didn’t invite him in just yet, but we did share a goodnight kiss. And I went back into my home walking on sunshine, despite the fact that it was only 3am.

A couple of nights later we went out again, but he seemed a little more detached from me, and I just thought it was the unseasonable downpour we got stuck in. How wrong I was, for the next day he took me into a deserted field and told me he didn’t think he could see me anymore. I took it as best I could, keeping a straight face even though I wanted to slap him and then fall into his embrace to cry my heart out, but I knew that could never happen. I stole a page out of his own book and moulded myself into the personification of a glacier, cold and ever-changing to accommodate my surroundings. But what was worse was that Seto never knew the true pain he caused me, because the day he broke up with me, was also my birthday.

That was a little more than a month ago, and since then, my life has taken a turn for the worst. Duel Monsters is making a huge comeback thanks to Seto’s new Soul of a Champion™ tournament and that caused my own game to plummet in a monumental tailspin. And, as if that wasn’t bad enough, I’ve lost my puppy, and someone had the gall to tell me I have an over-active appreciation for the gaudy. Nothing seems to make me even close to truly happy anymore, I am a failure. And it’s really not helping that there is so much to live up to, expectations are so high and I am no closer to clearing that bar now than I had been while I was a sniveling child. If I had had any siblings, they would most likely live in spite of me, I can and do often wish that I had a family that actually looked up to me and took pride in what I was doing. All my charm, all my success (moderate as it may be), everything I’ve accomplished amounts to nothing in the long run, I’ve pushed all my friends away from me and I’ve lived in the seclusion of the upper portion of my game shop for far too long, but I don’t feel worthy enough to live out in the world with everyone—with them.

Another of my little imperfections, I suppose, would be my cultivated hatred for all those blissfully happy people of the world. The world could be suffering from the after effects of a nuclear fallout all around them and they would be skipping around with their loved ones as though they were on some sort of ecstasy all the time. Nothing could ever rain on their proverbial parade and I guess that’s why I despise them so much. Recently, not even the things that used to excite me to no end are able to affect me in the slightest anymore. The new expansion I created for Dungeon Dice Monsters two weeks ago has been sitting on my desk for the better part of those weeks. I had no desire to do anything further with it, not even market it, so it basically just ended up occupying too much space in the room, so I finished by destroying ll, ll, my entire workroom and most of my dueling arenas, everything I had worked so hard on for years—gone, just like that… and I could care less.

Maybe this depression and my desire to become consumed by the shadows to no longer have to deal with the pain of living is at the heart of the fascination I’ve recently developed with rape. Every day that passes makes me want to be raped more and more. Somehow the thought of forcefully being taken against my will and left to die in a dark, dank, deserted alley somewhere always appeared to be a more dignified way of dying when compared to taking my own life, something I plan on accomplishing in the very near future.

Since the faithful day when Seto tore my heart in two right in front of my eyes, the only half-decent thing to happen to me was when I became involved with Yami no Bakura, the supposed evil spirit of the Sennen Ring. I honestly don’t know why I fell for him, I guess he was as far from Seto as I could get without dating Yugi. That would be crossing the fine line between sanity and signing my soul away to eternity in a rubber room. In any case, he’s not so evil and psychotic once you get past his chilling desire to acquire all seven Sennen Items. And he looks really good in a white tuxedo.

While our first night together was not as romantic as the one with Seto, my new boyfriend seemed to understand my needs all too well and I thought for once I would be happy for more than one brief illusion. When it comes right down to it, I guess I just always thought Seto was someone really sweet under that cold exterior. He was always telling me how much he cared for his brothend Ind I thought I saw something that really wasn’t there, only the truth which I refused to acknowledge: that Seto Kaiba is truly nothing more than a cruel, heartless bastard who only cares about himself and his company. I had never understood until now just how easy it must have been for Seto to use me, like some cheep whore to be discarded when no longer required. I would have never though him to be so insecure about going to a function alone that he would string someone along and convince them he had some interest in them to make them think he had chosen them out of the whole school… making them—oh who am I kidding, making me feel special. But then the question lingers in my mind, why did he kiss me afterwards? After I made it clear he wasn’t going to get into my pants? To keep up the persona, I guess. I just never thought I would fall for the same trap twice.

I do feel as though Yami no Bakura does have some feelings towards me; however, I can’t help but feel as though there are motives beyond motives, questions beyond answers. Even though our time together has been brief, I can say that I do care for the Tomb Robber and that we have been intimate, but I will likely have that shoved back in my face, too. I know much more of the thief’s hobbies than he knows that I know about.

I’m not sure what pains me more, the fact that I know my current boyfriend is being unfaithful to me, or the fact that he’s cheating on me with the very man I desired above all else? It’s not hard to notice things like this when the six o’clock news is running a story on the new Duel Monsters tournament and there is Seto in all his glory—with Yami no Bakura practically hanging off his arm like an annoying little fangirl, sneaking the occasional kiss every now and again. It makes my eyes practically burn with rage.

I guess that it’s really no one thing in particular, but the combination of all these horrible things which have happened to me recently which brings me to the end of my story, and the reason why I can be found where I am—sitting naked in my shower while the unnecessarily hot water pelts the top of my head relentlessly, turning the skin on my back bright red and hopefully burning deep into my flesh before too long. I can only be thankful the water makes me feel as though I’m not really crying. I feel invisible to the world, like I’m not real, like I’m a lifeless toy to be used and thrown away because it’s been done so many times before. The dream is over, the days when I could still feel alive gone with it. I never thought I’d die alone, but when it comes right down to it, I suppose I’ve always been alone. Never had someone to truly care for me and me alone, not having known my parents at all and having basically been between homes my entire life, I thought finally being on my own would bring me the security I never enjoyed as a child.

I stare at the contents of my hand and I’m not sure whether to break down crying or burst into maniacal laughter to make Yami no Malik jealous. The die in my hand, red and black suits my mood perfectly right now, not to mention the morbid side of my personality, and the meticulously sharpened razor blade is simply my vessel. Ever since Seto left me, I cut myself on a regular basis, with whatever I could find around the house, really. Anything that would break the skin would do, until I learned how to file my nails down to a point, silly Yami no Bakura always thought I did that to pleasure him, but no, their sole purpose was to relieve my own pain. I found not only does it help relive the constant stress of my life, but also physically hurting makes the emotional pain of depression much easier to bear.

The shower had always been my location of choice whenever I decided to let my masochistic desires show through, it was so much easier to clean up and cover one’s tracks when one’s tracks are promptly washed down the drain. The only thing I have to worry about is making sure I wear long sleeves, even in this humid weather. But my arms aren’t the worst, I rarely cut my arms, it doesn’t make any sense because so many people see my arms on a regular basis. No, if Yami no Bakura has taught me anything while he beat Ryou, it’s that you have to avoid the places people are liable to see things. Arms, legs, around the neck, not too bright. I suppose that’s why I used to cut my chest a lot, but even that lost its appeal because there wasn’t any nerves running just beneath the skin in that area, there is really too much muscle to make cutting enjoyable, but I soon found the ultimate place to cut. Away from the prying eyes of those around me and sensitive enough to have me screaming from my own actions. Not even my boyfriend, who is supposed to be concerned for my well-being, has probably even thought of the reasons why I have vehemently refused to be intimate with him of late, or why I have completely isolated myself from the rest of the known world. If he doesn’t care about me, why the hell should anybody else?

I wince as I press my nails into my erection, slowly drawing them down its length, cutting deeply into the hardened flesh. Satisfying me in more ways than one, I continue to return my nails to the head of my throbbing arousal and making them repeat their journey to my base and over the sac below until my entire shaft is dripping iood.ood. One last stroke and I scream loudly, releasing all over the side of the shower, my seed mixing with both the water and the generous amount of red liquid falling from my now forgotten length.

But I’m not finished; I made up my mind on this subject a long time ago. I don’t want to feel like a worthless piece of trash for the rest of my life and I promised myself I wouldn’t. And nothing is going to change that, not Seto, not Yami no Bakura, not even that pompous excuse for a former Pharaoh, Yami noi. Ii. I grab the die firmly in my hand and hurl it as hard as I can, smiling contently when I hear it make contact with my full length mirror and shattering it into a thousand pieces, each representing a part of my shattered being: mind, body, and soul.

Reaching over the side of the tub in which the shower resides, I pull two long rubber bands from off the floor and tie them tightly at my elbows, causing the large veins to practically pop out of my arm. Just for fun, I press the razor blade into my skin and draw little patterns in my arms around where the vein is patiently waiting for its own attention.

Finally, the time has come; I’ve played around enough. Mentally, I say good bye to anyone I’ve ever known and ever cared about, knowing, realizing perhaps in defeat, that in six months, nobody will know I’ve even existed. I press the blade to the skin just above the vein of my left arm and making sure I puncture the vein’s outer membrane and then I pull the blade through my skin all the way up to my wrist, creating a long, deep red line vertically along the entire length of my forearm. The pain is exhilarating, but I know I can’t dwell on this feeling too long, the job isn’t finished yet. Mmmm… it seems as though the storm outside is becoming more enraged with every passing second and I must have left a window open as a door has just slammed shut, but I pay it no heed, as I press the tip of the blade to the healthy vein in my other arm to complete the task before I black out and finally leave this unjust world…