The Winding Way

The Winding Way.

Bakura POV

Click, click, click, click.

A pen. It annoys me, which is why Marik is doing it. I send a low growl in his direction and he clicks faster. I want to rip his throat out, but it’s not the pen. It’s something else, something wrong. We all have something wrong lately, something missing. We have our little pack of freaks, living in this cluttered house that Ryou’s father left when he went off again, leaving his only son in our hands. Ryou doesn’t mind, Ryou likes our hands. Our hands like Ryou. He’s all soft, smooth skin and pretty, pretty eyes. He belongs to Marik, but he’ll always be mine on some level, the same way that Malik belongs to Otogi, but also belongs to Marik. It isn’t a sex thing. We all have sex, there are no borders and boundaries there. There are mated pairs, but at the end of the day we all sleep on the same bed. Or…pile of cushions because the bed is far too small for five people.

Still, there’s something missing. Two mated pairs and me, not that I particularly care about not having a mate. When you live as long as I have you reach a point when you realise it isn’t going to happen, and brooding over it is hardly going to help. You can spend a hundred years running alone with the moon and staring forlornly out of windows, but at the end of the hundred years you’re still alone. At least now I have them, and that I can deal with. I can live like this.

Anyway, back to our problem. We’re a pack, a gang, we stick together. But every pack needs an alpha, a leader, a referee, that one guy who always knows what direction to go in. We don’t have that, and it’s hard without it. Too hard. We argue, but it’s all Marik and I. The others know their places, and they’re happy with them. Ryou, Otogi and Malik know who’d win if they challenged Marik or I, and they never do. They have no need to, they’re happy where they are. There’s no serious power struggles there. I mean, we have the occasional arguments and bitch and moan at each other, but at the end of it all they know where they stand and it doesn’t bother them. I suppose it’s a personality thing. Marik and I, though… Neither of us is used to bowing down, letting someone else give the orders. He is big, bigger than I am. He thinks that gives him the alpha rights. But I am old, I have commanded armies – armies of thieves, murderers, people who look for the cracks in a leader – and I am not about to let him lord over me. In bed, I don’t care. Let him do what he wants, but outside of that I can’t bow to him. And he won’t bow to me, not that I expect him to. The tension builds, and then our fights are real. Marik and I regularly try to genuinely hurt each other. The little ones – Malik, Otogi, Ryou – they have to pull us apart, and once we’ve cooled down we’re fine, friends again, something almost like lovers again, happy again, until the next time. Lately the thought has struck me, though. The thought that if I were not here, there wouldn’t be a problem. Without me here, Marik is definitely the alpha. I’m the odd one out, the spare, the one without a real mate, the one who always, somehow, ends up running alone.

Click, Click, Click.

I look over at Marik from where I’m sitting with my knees against my chest, back against the wall, thinking too much and suddenly aware of how this position makes me look. Like a child, not like a leader. I cannot show this sort of weakness in front of him, and I’m getting tired of it. There’s no relaxing here, nowhere I can switch off in this house. I can’t forget myself and just be what I am anymore. I should leave, I know I should leave. A lone wolf, haha. It’s so hard to get used to being part of something as tight as this – to having all this, all of them, and then leave it. I love Marik the same way I love them all, I just can’t make my mind accept him as a leader. I can’t give in to being weaker than him, no matter how hard I try. I can’t admit that, not about Marik. We’re too alike, I suppose. And…I know, deep down, that if I did something he really, really didn’t accept, he couldn’t punish me for it. I can’t think of anything I could do that would give him a need to, other than hurting Ryou. I couldn’t hurt Ryou anyway, the guilt over what I did to him is like a black hole in my chest that I know full well will never, ever leave me. It shouldn’t leave me, I deserve to have that there. He has no scars from where I bit him, we don’t scar. He doesn’t mind, he says. He likes it, likes being something special, something free. Likes being part of this. But I still ruined his life. I took away his chance to be normal, and that has to matter to him.

Sliding up the wall to my feet, I leave the room because if I don’t, there’s going to be a fight. I can’t fight right now, I don’t have the energy. Padding barefoot because I very rarely wear shoes, I head out through the kitchen where Ryou and Malik are cooking something that smells of meat and tomatoes and herbs. Ryou sees me and sends one of his smiles my way, one of those glorious, heart-stopping, angelic smiles. Like a child on Christmas morning, just for seeing me. The black hole opens a little wider and I swallow down a wave of nausea. The situation with Marik is really getting to me, every other insecurity, every other issue I have is making itself known. I should leave, I know I should. Things would be easier for them, and they’re the only people I can be selfless for. But I can’t, I can’t leave this. I can’t be alone again, I can’t live without all the things they give me. Ryou’s smiles – soft ones for when he’s thinking about something that makes him happy, the little, sad ones that I can’t look at, the big, blinding, laughing smiles that make everything better. He’s an angel. I’d miss Marik too, sitting in front of the TV with pizza and beer, laughing at commercials and fighting because we’d never let our strength out like that on the little ones. Even lately, even with the real fights thrown in there. I still need what we have. Malik and Otogi, too. Their stupid jokes, the way they can cheer anyone up, the way they like doing normal things as though we’re not all freaks. The way they fight over the mirror and take hours in the bathroom in the morning, and when they finally let someone else in for a shower the whole place is full of steam and smells like a woman just used it. All perfume and bath salts and hair products and makeup, but their scent is always there underneath it all. The way they pick on Ryou, in a good-natured way. Walking around naked until he’s reduced to yelling ‘We’re not ANIMALS!’ after them. Putting ribbons in his hair while he’s asleep, quietly watching over him when Marik and I are fighting, because Ryou is the smallest and we’re all protective of him, much more than he probably needs.

“Are you ok?” Malik asks me, wandering casually over for a hug, because he’s one of those touchy-feely types and I don’t really mind. He slings his arms around my shoulders and nuzzles my neck, while I stare at the shiny golden earring revealed when his hair falls to one side.

“Mmh.” I reply, because I can’t remember what he asked me. I swear Malik and Marik wear all that gold just so they can do this to me. For a moment all the gathering storm clouds clear from my mind and all I can focus on is that earring, shiny and golden and dangling in front of me hypnotically.

“He’s eyeing up your jewellery again,” Otogi smirks as he minces into the room. How he ever pulled off being straight back in the day, I have no idea. His words snap me out of my little trance and I blink for a moment, just letting where I am and what’s going on seep back into my scrambled brain. Twitching slightly at the three amused brats staring at me, I untangle myself from Malik and pad over to where Ryou is breezing about, doing God-knows-what to that stuff in the pot. I haven’t eaten in a few days, but I’m not hungry. The worry that all this is going to fall apart makes me nauseous, I can’t stomach food right now.

I wrap my arms around Ryou’s waist and bury my face in his soft hair, breathing in the scent of him. He calms me down, I think he has that effect on everyone. I think he knows it. He turns around after a moment and gently places his hands on my shoulders, looking at me from arms’ length.

“What’s the matter with you?” He asks in a soft voice, worried. I hate worrying him. I smirk, showing the tip of one fang. I’m the only one who always has them there, I can’t even look normal. Then again, I’m the only one who was born this way, so I suppose it is normal for me.
“Nothing. What are you making? It smells…complicated.” I take a look at the contents of the pot and am none the wiser. Ryou sends me one of his fluffy, mock glares for insulting his cooking, before turning back to what he was doing. I glance around the kitchen again and Malik is attacking some sort of dough, which is a good outlet for him. He has this sort of endless, fidgeting, manic energy. Always bouncing on the balls of his feet, or playing with his hair, or moving in some way. He can’t stay still, so Ryou usually puts him to work doing something or other so that he doesn’t drive everyone insane.

Otogi is… Otogi is staring at me, unconvinced that I really am alright. He’s sharper than most people give him credit for, and he casually motions for me to join him in the back yard. I know that if I don’t he isn’t going to let this drop, and he’ll bring it up again in front of the others, so I go with him.

We head out across the large, grass-covered yard to the small, crumbling wall at the back, near the shed. There’s a black patch of ground to one side where we have bonfires, because Malik has a thing for fire. It’s like my thing for jewellery, only we have to sit him down in front of a fire occasionally or he’ll wander off and burn something down. I suppose that could be why they always insist on wearing all that gold around me. Stops me robbing a jewellery store.

Otogi sits down on the wall, perching on the crumbling red brick and looking at me expectantly until I take up a spot next to him. He has a belt slung low across his thin hips and his eyes are watching me like he’s reading my mind. He has beautiful eyes - really, really green. Even before the change, before he came to us, he had those eyes. He’s more like a cat than a wolf, and even with all the crazy shit he does with Malik, he’s still the sharp one. Sharp to what people feel, at least. Try and get him to cook and he’ll just wander off to find Ryou. I respect Otogi, not many people would brave Marik’s wrath the way he did. He actually walked right up and said that he was taking Malik as his mate, and that if Marik didn’t approve then they could fight it out right there. He knew he’d lose. Marik knew he’d lose. I loved Marik that day for just grinning and hugging Otogi like he’d known him for ever, accepting his light’s mate like it was all fine, and it was. Even if I could pick up the scent of fear from Otogi when he made his little speech. Malik picked it up too, and he loved Otogi all the more for it. They’re the fairytale couple, and they fit perfectly.

“Gonna tell me what’s up?” Otogi asks, twirling a strand of his raven hair around one finger. He wears it down sometimes – like today – when we don’t have anything much planned. He knows how horny it makes Malik.

“Ryou would be fine if I left. He’d be fine.” I say, my voice quiet. Trying to convince myself. Otogi leans forward, elbows on his knees, green eyes flickering all over my face.

“No. He wouldn’t be fine.” He says finally, gently. I put my head in my hands and sigh, long and shaky. “Running away won’t fix it.” He says, knowing what’s up. I’m not sure Ryou and Malik understand properly, but Otogi does. He gets it.

“Why can’t I give it up, just let Marik have control? Why can’t I? It sounds so easy, it should be that simple. I’m just…killing everything. Tearing it all down, and I know if I left it would kill me. Really, really kill me.” I say, then shut up when I realise I’m babbling. Well, sort of. I just let my damage take over sometimes, let my mouth follow my train of thought, and that’s not how it’s meant to work.

“This wouldn’t work without you anyway. You have the instincts, you know Marik isn’t cut out to lead this. He’s not stable enough, he doesn’t have the mindset, you can’t give us over to someone you know would make a bad job of it.” Otogi says, and how the hell does he know all this? How the hell does he just… get everything, like it’s all right there in front of him, easy as that? “But, you can’t do it either. You can’t be the leader, because you know that if you and Marik had to fight it out you wouldn’t win. And he’d hate himself.”

I imagine what Marik would feel if one day he really did win. Maybe I get slammed against a wall the wrong way, maybe I fall on something sharp, or hit my head, or take a punch wrong. Something that won’t heal. Something permanent. I don’t think he could live with it, and things between him and Ryou would be… I don’t even want to think about it.

“What do I do?” I whisper, hating having to ask for advice. I really don’t know, though. I don’t know how to fix this and I’m sure it’s my fault, somehow. Otogi smiles at me, tucking his hair behind his ear.

“Go find us a leader. It’s not as hard as you’d think. I mean, how many people do you know that could take Marik? Think about it.” He says, laughing slightly as my eyes widen in realisation. How can it be that simple? How can it have been right in front of me the whole time, and I never saw it? Giving me a little wave, Otogi turns and heads off back towards the door.

“I’ll tell Ryou you’re skipping dinner.” He says. “But eat something, you’re losing weight. Malik and Ryou will notice soon, and you know they won’t let it go.” With that, he slips back inside and leaves me out here to stare at the burnt patch on the ground, the cold of autumn cutting through the thin t-shirt I’m wearing. I let myself feel it for a moment before ignoring it, thinking about what Otogi said. Who could take Marik in a fight, if they had to? I can fend him off, but if he really, really wanted to… if he ever got totally serious, no holds barred, no pulling him off serious… he could kill me. I’ve always known it, and so has he. We fight and he lets himself go, but it’s just instinct and fists and dodging. If he ever put his mind to it, really let himself think and pulled all that darkness together, four out of five days he could probably take me down permanently. Who could beat him, though? I can only think of two people, and I don’t know how either of them could help. They have issues enough of their own, and they’re not like us. Well, sort of.
Pharaoh could take Marik. He has this wall of power, and he can do things with it that even I can’t do, and it hurts. He hates what he is, not like us. We enjoy it, we run with it. He crushes it down and pretends to be just another mortal.

The other one is Kaiba. He could take Marik, probably on strength alone. He’s old, too, like Pharaoh and I. When our memories came back, when we began to change, he changed too. He was different from what we are, though. A different sort of monster. He sent his brother off to boarding school, it must have taken him a few months to get a grip on it. He seems to have gotten the hang of it now, even if he doesn’t come out in the day as much as he used to.

Pharaoh is the logical choice, since he’s one of us. He hates what we are, and hates us because of it. I leap over the fence at the back of the yard and head in the direction of the shop anyway, mortals barely paying attention to the strange, scruffy creature with bare feet, white hair, red eyes and restless hands that walks among them. It doesn’t take long to get to the game shop, it’s close. I can feel that he’s in there, and I let him feel that I’m out here. I can’t go into the shop, that’s his territory. He’d kill me, and I’d deserve it. It’s the safe place for Yugi and the others, where us animals can’t get at them. Not that we want them.

After a minute or so he appears, stepping out of a back door and gesturing at me to follow him along the little alley beside the shop. At the end of it he turns to glare at me, all buckles and straps and leather and surreal hair.

“What are you doing here?” He demands, and I can see the power gathering behind his eyes. My instincts tell me to take a step back, get as far away from that as I can, but I need to stand my ground. I need to do this, for my pack. I stand with my arms by my sides, no sudden movements, nothing threatening. Nothing that will set him off. It occurs to me that I really should have thought about what I was going to say to him before I turned up on his doorstep.

“I came to make you an offer.” I finally say, wondering vaguely what it would be like to be led by this man. To let him take over. He’s always been a leader, but we’ve always been at each other’s throats. We’ve slept together before, when playing mortal gets too much for him and he needs someone he can get rough with, and it wasn’t so bad. That hate would be there, always, but we could function.

“No.” He growls, knowing what I want. Our problems must really be coming to a head if everyone knows about them. I see the flash in his eyes, just for a moment, and I know that he wants it. He wants to lead us, wants what we have. He wants that closeness and freedom. He wants it, but he won’t let himself have it. I should have understood how deep it went, that fear of not being normal. Of Yugi hating him. I know I could never bear Ryou hating me, not now.

Smiling slightly, I lean against the wall of the alley, pretending to be a lot more casual than I feel.
“How’s your pack?” I ask, purring slightly. He frowns at me disapprovingly, because he hates when I call his friends that. He knows they are, he knows he’s collected his own little pack, just like I have. He just doesn’t have what I do, with mine, no matter how much he wants it. One day we both know it’ll get too much. He’ll either have to leave or change them, and knowing him, he’ll leave. He hates me because I can be free to just be what I am. I don’t have to hate myself for it, which is wonderful because I have enough things to hate myself over.

“That’s none of your business.” He growls, eyes flashing a little. I do take a step back this time, sensing that he’s in no mood for this. He wanted to take me up on the offer, but he couldn’t let himself. Now he’s angry, and it’s directed at me, for offering him a choice I knew he couldn’t accept. I should have thought this through. I should have gone to Kaiba. Pharaoh can’t have a temper with his little ones, he saves it all for me. God, this is going to hurt. Perhaps I can distract him.

“Mine are doing well. Ryou keeps telling me to wear shoes,” I mention, and he looks down at my feet. Good, focus away from the anger. Don’t think about it. Think about something else, think about me. I stretch against the wall, my shirt riding up so that his eyes flicker up my legs to my waist. I can feel the lust in the air, which I can deal with.

“Ryou always was the smart one.” Pharaoh hisses, coming closer. The power is still behind his eyes, and it’s really fucking hard to try and act like a slut when the man in front of you can do some serious damage to you if something sets him off. What I really want is to be running in the opposite direction, which is exactly what I’m going to do the moment he relaxes.

A crash behind me scares the shit out of me – a cat knocking some garbage can lids off – and I look back at the Pharaoh with wide eyes an instant before a wave of power hits me like a brick wall. I’m shoved back against an actual brick wall by it, with a crunch. Argh. God, that is painful. That hurts. That is-is like dying, in the most painful, agonizing way. I don’t think he meant to do it that time, because he runs over and clamps a hand over my mouth in time to muffle the scream that I can’t stop. His light can’t hear that, and I don’t argue. I’m not really in any position to, after all. He looks guilty as I collapse against him, my knees not giving me much choice. A shudder runs through me, aftershocks of power, and blood runs down into my eyes from somewhere. Wonderful, a head injury. Just what I need. My back is bleeding too, which I note after a quick run-through of the damage. Taking inventory. It was just a quick burst of power, because he was startled and had it all built up, ready to go. After an awkward moment of gasping for breath in his arms while the shock passes, I drag myself up again and lean back against the wall, hissing because my back is shredded and the wall is rough. He looks away, guilty. I just smirk, dealing with it the way I deal with everything.

“And they tell me I have trouble with civil conversation.” I say, voice only a little ragged. The pain is centring on where the actual damage is now, instead of being one giant kick in the head. That’s good, I can handle that.

“I…” He trails off, because he can’t say sorry. Not to me. I’m still the enemy. It’s fine, I don’t need words. I know he’s sorry, I can see it in his eyes. It’s good, though. He lets it out now, and Yugi and his pack are that much safer. Not that I give a damn, but I know what it’s like to hurt your light without meaning to, and I wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone. Even the Pharaoh.

“See you next time, Pharaoh.” I say, turning and walking off with a mocking little wave over my shoulder. I’m not limping, which is good. As I head away from the game shop, twitching involuntarily when I hear the door close because it means I’m safe, I take count of the damage done. Nothing too major. A shredded back that’s already beginning to heal, some kind of cut above my left eye somewhere which is still bleeding, because I keep having to wipe it off before it goes in my eye. Two jagged, deep cuts along my right forearm and one smaller one stretching over my collarbone, shoulder and up the side of my neck. Those will heal soon enough. It’s just… It leaves me jumpy for the rest of the day, I hate that. The last time it happened Ryou dropped a pot in the kitchen and I was halfway out the door before I realised what the hell I was doing. How pathetic.

Well, I suppose now it’s Kaiba or nothing, and nothing isn’t an option.

XxXxX

I reach the gates of his mansion about an hour later, since it’s right out on the edge of town, away from the noise of the city. It must get lonely out here, cut off from everything.

I let myself in, climbing easily over the gates and leaping down the ten-foot drop on the other side without much thought. Striding towards the house, I wonder why he still has those cameras on his lawn. I’m a hundred percent sure he already knows I’m here, and I can feel him inside that big, dark house. His power is nothing like mine. They’re both dark, but his is cold and sharp. Mine’s hot, it burns and moves and twists. It’s as much an animal as I am.

The door is open when I reach it, and this is starting to feel like some bad horror movie. I step into the huge, dark hall, looking around. My eyes glow red and I can see in the dark, but it’s still mildly disconcerting to be in a place like this with a creature like him. He could kill me and he wouldn’t even feel guilty. At least Pharaoh has the guilt going for him. Gods, I usually keep away from people who could crush me like an insect. Now I’m seeking them out, it’s…stupid. I’m an idiot. What the hell am I doing here?

“That’s what I’d like to know.” Seto Kaiba says, from right behind me. I freeze, not breathing, because I had no idea he was there. Just thinking of what it takes – the kind of power it takes – to be able to creep up on me is nerve-wracking. I can feel him behind me now, the power coming off him in cold waves. Every one of the cuts I still have from my little visit with the Pharaoh beings to burn and I flinch, gritting my teeth.

“K-Kaiba…” I gasp, letting him know he’s hurting me. I don’t think he’s doing it on purpose, because the moment he hears the pain in my voice his power cuts off, and I stumble forward, relief flooding through me. He can do that without even trying, I shouldn’t have come here. I’m about to get my ass handed to me again and this one stands a very good chance of actually killing me.

“What made you think it was a good idea,” he begins, running his fingers over the back of my throat, “to come here while you’re bleeding?”

Oh shit. Oh shit, oh shit. I…God, I’m such a fool. I spin around in shock and see him, and his eyes are glowing this strange yellow, like cat’s eyes. He’s staring right at the cut that runs down from the side of my throat, and I can feel the hunger pouring off him. I try to back away, and suddenly I’m being slammed into another wall, crying out because my back is still shredded. Like I need to be bleeding any more, I’ve dug myself quite deep enough here.

“Kaiba, I-“ I begin, about to explain myself in a rush, but I never get that far. He yanks my head back by my hair and goes for my throat like a viper, and fear takes over. I try shoving him away, clawing at him, but nothing works. His lips touch my skin and I flinch, trying to press myself back into the wall, snarling at him to stop.

“Why?” He hisses, lapping at the blood on my neck, healing the wound I already have there and sending a shuddering thrill through me. “Why should I stop? You came to me.”

I struggle to drag my thoughts together, which is an effort at the best of times. I can feel the needle-sharp points of his teeth gently scraping against my skin, and I can feel him barely keeping control. How long has it been since he was even near blood?

“I-I came to talk,” I manage to get out, closing my eyes because the fist in my hair is trying to snap my fucking neck and all I can see is stars. Is this all there is for me? Just pain? Do I deserve this? I don’t even know. I can’t think, the sharp points of his teeth are dragging slowly over my flesh and it’s all I can do just to breathe, tempted to give in and let him. It’s supposed to feel good, that’s the way the movies tell it. I’m tired of pain, and Kaiba looks like… Well, if I want to be able to talk to him, it isn’t going to work while he’s this hungry.

“Talk.” He repeats in a savage whisper, using his free hand to pin my wrists above my head. He’s damn tall. I groan in relief when he loosens the hold on my hair a little, and I don’t think my scalp will ever be the same.

“I can’t talk to you like this. It’s fucking serious, and it matters enough to give you this. How much is it going to hurt?” I demand, opening my eyes and glaring at him. He seems surprised at that, and slides forward again, pressing his whole body against mine. His skin is cold, it’s…odd. I almost like it.

“Are you serious?” He demands, asking my permission. I wonder why he’s even bothering, he could take it so easily.

“Go ahead, a little more blood-loss isn’t going to bother me too much. It’s been one of those days.” I mutter, and his lips twist in a smirk.

“I can make it hurt. But, since you’re being so accommodating…” He purrs, and lowers his head to my neck again. I flinch as a reflex when those needle-points return, and after a moment of just taking in the cool scent of him and feeling his sheer power vibrating in the air all around us, I feel the pinch and burn as he bites me. The pain makes me gasp, but it quickly turns into a long, heartfelt and desperate moan because I have never felt anything like this. God, tell me I’m not begging. I don’t even know what I’m saying, it feels like…like the best sex ever. Like he’s running his fingers through my soul. Like now I know what the movies mean.

After what seems not nearly long enough, he draws back and licks his lips, and I just collapse at his feet, on my knees wondering what the hell just hit me. I kneel there dizzily for a long moment, raising a hand to my head and hissing as I accidentally touch the cut above my eye. I hadn’t realised how tired this was going to make me, I feel like I just ran a fucking marathon. Then again, with the day I’ve been having so far it’s not surprising that it should catch up to me eventually. I wish I’d eaten something before I decided to let Seto Kaiba suck on my neck. Ugh, I feel like shit now.

Still on my knees, I look up with what must be some kind of idiotic, dazed look on my face when Kaiba offers me his hand. I take it and let him practically drag me to my feet, since standing of my own volition is pretty much beyond me right now. I take a glance at Kaiba and he looks slightly more human now, which is encouraging.

“Well that was…that was new.” I mumble, mostly to myself, to fill the silence. Kaiba cocks an eyebrow at me, but if he thinks talking to myself is the depth of my weirdness he’s in for a shock. He leads me – with a highly embarrassing arm around my waist to stop me toppling over – into some library room with books lining the walls and big, comfy-looking armchairs. There’s a fire burning in the hearth and I want to curl up in front of it, lick my wounds and pass out. That’s not being a good guest, though.

“Here.” Kaiba says, and instead of helping me to a chair, he helps me onto the rug in front of the fire. It takes me a moment to remember what he is, and that if I think things loudly enough he can pick up on it. This conversation could become really one-sided.

“Mphthanks,” I say, which was more of a sound than a word, but I’m sure he got the gist of it. I sit with my back to the fire, letting it warm me as he takes one of the high-backed, totally fittingly vampire-like armchairs nearby.

“Talk.” He says, quieter now that all that frantic bloodlust is out the way. I bought all that on myself for being such an idiot, so I’m not in any way blaming him. Now, how to get this across without sounding insane. Well, more insane.

“How do you feel about..uh, wolves?” I ask, dithering because that sounds really stupid. Really, really stupid. What the hell am I doing? How am I going to get him to do this? How am I going to explain this to Ryou and Malik, if he does decide it might work? I am not the master of forward planning today.

“I’ve yet to form an opinion.” He answers, watching me like he’s not sure what to do about me. I…tend to get that reaction a lot.

“Right. Good.” I reply, since no opinion is better than a bad opinion. “Are you lonely here?” I ask suddenly, having no idea where it came from. Then again, brain not connected to mouth today. My wiring is all crossed, I need to sleep, and eat, and do those other things vital to staying alive. Re-grow some blood, or however that works.

Kaiba is looking at the fire now, contemplating the question. I like how he thinks things through carefully, something I should probably aspire to.

“Occasionally. Does it matter?” He asks, looking at me again, sizing me up. He doesn’t seem hungry any more, but I still feel like prey. I’m not used to not being at the top of the food chain, it’s slightly unnerving. I know it’d piss Marik off, which makes me smirk. The others probably wouldn’t notice, they’re not used to being at the top anyway. Being dived on is par for the course with them. At least I know Kaiba wouldn’t hurt them, if he’s been holed up here fasting for god-knows-how-long. Unless he got a taste of me and it changed his mind, which would be… bad. A slight ego boost, but still bad. I really am that tasty. Literally.

“Well yes, why would you want to be lonely when you could come with me, join my little freak club, be surrounded by madness at every turn… tempted?” I smirk, rolling my neck and listening to my spine make noises that it probably shouldn’t make. I see his eyes flicker to my throat again and suddenly an idea forms. Probably not a good one, but it’s a plan, and any plan is better than no plan. “I could feed you.”

Kaiba’s eyes dart back to mine and he narrows his, staring intently at me. I wonder what he’s doing before I feel a stabbing, sharp little pain behind my eyes. I close them, clenching my jaw tightly and letting him find whatever he’s looking for in my head. If he needs to root around in there and see if I’m telling the truth, so be it. There’s nothing I care about hiding from him. I open up as much as I can, to stop him forcing it because it’s like being stabbed in the brain with something sharp. The pain stops and damn, have I had enough of pain today. When I get home, assuming I live, I’m going to drag Ryou into a corner and fall asleep with my head on his lap, let him mother me a bit. He’s like a safety blanket, which is so not the image I should be projecting while Seto Kaiba is in my head. I have a reputation. Well, I had one.

He’s taking a long time in there, and I’m too tired to even try and push him out. I’d know if he was screwing with anything, trying to change things. He’s just…kind of browsing, like every little thing in my mind is really interesting. I don’t think he gets out a lot nowadays.

Argh. Note to self – do not insult people who are in your head. He can do this needles thing, and it is not pleasant. I have definitely, definitely had enough of this.

“Get out of my head.” I say in as near a level voice as I can get. It comes out in a whisper and sounds slightly pleading, but it gets the job done. His presence slides away like a snake, and I collapse again. This is becoming routine now, except this time I can’t even move. Still, if there’s anywhere I’d want to collapse, it’s on a rug beside a roaring fire.

“I’ll think about it.” He says, and I can just tell he’s smirking. I’d snark back at him, but everything is going dark and quiet. I don’t want to pass out in front of him, I have no idea what he’ll do to me, so I try and claw my way back to consciousness. He must have seen me tense up, because the next thing I know his cool hands are on me, turning me onto my back, and when I force my eyes open I can see him staring down at me with that evil little smile on his lips. Ok, now I really, really don’t want to pass out in front of him.

“I won’t hurt you. Now, go to sleep.” It’s an order, and I feel that power washing over me again. Panic. This would be a good time to panic. I try to raise my own power to block or something, but I’m so out of it that all I can do is make the fire flare up a little and dig my claws into his hand, because that’s about as far as I can move.

“Stop,” I growl, panicking because I have to get home, back to my pack, back to Ryou and the others. Otogi knows I was thinking about leaving, if I don’t go back tonight he’ll think… he’ll think I really did it. I can’t escape, though. That cold feeling – like snake skin – washes over me again and darkness clamps down like a vice so fast that I feel my whole body go limp before it forces me to sleep.

XxXxX

I wake up with a start, sitting bolt upright and giving a panicked growl. I don’t get a chance to freak out too much though, because Ryou stirs next to me and shushes me. I don’t understand until I look around, and I’m back in my own home. Ryou is curled up next to me, napping. It’s the middle of the day, but I can feel that Kaiba is nearby. That unnerves me and I get up, careful to let Ryou sleep because he’ll be bitchy otherwise. I pad over to the door, wondering where my shirt went. I’m still wearing the same torn pair of jeans I had on yesterday – at least I hope it was yesterday. My back feels better, I guess Ryou must have gotten rid of my shirt so he could play nurse. It would have healed by now anyway, but Ryou is weird like that.

I can hear talking in the living room, so I slip quietly out of the bedroom and stand there, looking at Kaiba. He’s in the dining room, sitting at the table like someone perfectly civilized, eating some of whatever that thing was that Ryou and Malik were making before. Otogi and Malik are sitting with him, chatting away like everything’s fine. Marik is in the living room watching television, sulking quietly but not really putting much effort into it.

“Welcome back.” Kaiba says, and I look back towards the table to find him staring at me. Ok, should have worn a shirt. He’s staring at the trickle of white fur – yes, fur – that runs from below my navel into my jeans.

“Kaiba bought you home,” Otogi supplies cheerfully, waving me over with his fork. I pad over warily, not taking my eyes off Kaiba. I keep having to remind myself that I was the one who suggested this, because he makes me nervous.

“After you mentioned how lonely the mansion was, I thought I might try getting out a little more.” Kaiba purrs, reminding me that it’s my fault he’s here.

“Right. Right.” I mutter, once to him and once to myself. That makes him smirk, which annoys me. Sitting down at the table – because I can do the civilized thing too – I give Malik and Otogi a once-over to make sure they’re ok. No neck wounds or anything. Kaiba looks vaguely offended, but quickly brushes it off.

“Food?” Malik asks, hopping up and grabbing a plate of whatever that stuff is from the kitchen. He doesn’t give me a chance to say no, just brings it back in and puts it in front of me, handing me a fork. “Polite.” He says, which is thinly-veiled code for ‘don’t eat with your fingers, freak.’ I get that. I’m not really hungry, being nervous kills my appetite, but Malik notices me dithering and pokes me in the ribs. “You’re not wearing a shirt.” He says.

“And? You walk around naked most days.” I reply, not quite sure what he’s getting at.

“And, I can see all your ribs. I can count them, that’s weird. Eat more.” He demands, running a golden finger down my ribs again. I shiver, which is slightly embarrassing. Eh, whatever. I’m about to start eating when I look back at Malik’s fingers, which are still tracing one of my ribs. He’s wearing a lot of rings, and the gold catches my eye again. Great, not now. This is not a good time. I stare at the glinting metal for a moment, eyes going slightly glazed, until Kaiba helpfully snaps his fingers in front of me. I jump a mile and almost stab myself with the fork, which makes even Marik laugh. Har har. We are not amused. I glare at everyone, especially Kaiba, and then look carefully at my plate and start eating. I swear Malik wears all the jewellery on purpose. Once I get used to it, once I know it’s going to be there, it’s ok. So he alternates. Some days earrings, then no earrings for a week. One day I’m going to find out where he stashes it all and bury it in the garden.

As I’m eating I listen to the little ones making small talk with Kaiba, who seems comfortable enough. Even Marik wanders over after a while and joins in, eating some kind of pita bread thing that Malik made. I think I’ll give that a miss, last time he cooked he put grit in it because he’d read something about chickens needing grit for their eggshells. He has more crossed wires than I do, which is saying something.

Eventually Ryou wakes up from his nap and comes to sit on my lap, stealing half of Marik’s pita bread thing. I wrap my arms around him just so I know he’s really there, and safe, and warm. Kaiba is watching me but I don’t care, and Ryou twists in my lap to feed me a bit of that bread stuff.

“It’s edible…” I say in a mock-surprised voice when I finally give in and eat the damned thing. Malik pouts, then gets an evil little smile on his lips and holds up something on a chain. It’s some kind of gold pendant with a ruby in the middle, and I’ve never seen it before. I stare stupidly at it as he waves it slowly back and forth, and I can feel Ryou giggling in my lap. After a minute or so, Kaiba does that finger-snapping thing again and I blink stupidly, then groan and bury my face against Ryou’s back as I listen to them laugh. It’s fair enough though, if it makes Ryou happy.

“What is that thing?” I demand, after they’ve had their fun. Malik hands the pendant to Kaiba, who puts it on and tucks it into his shirt. He smirks at me and I mutter something obscene, because it just fills me with such joy to know that Kaiba has seen my inner magpie and is enjoying tormenting me.

“Just something Mokuba sent me.” Kaiba says, still smirking. Damn him.

“Are you staying tonight, Kaiba?” Ryou asks, like it’s nothing. Sure, nothing. An invitation to see if he can take Marik and I. A challenge. He raises an eyebrow at me and I look away, because it has to be his choice.

Remember what you promised me, Bakura.

I tense at his voice in my head, and nod slightly against Ryou’s back, closing my eyes. I can feed him, I can do that. That’s nothing. It’s just… is he going to make me do this in front of them? In front of Marik?

“Alright, since it’s a weekend.” Kaiba says, and it takes me a moment to remember that he still runs that company of his. Ok, he probably works from home way more now, but he still runs it.

“Good, then I’ll go and make tea.” Ryou slips into host mode and slides off my lap, breezing off to go screw around with hot water in the kitchen. I feel cold without him there, but a moment later Malik decides my lap looks too good to go to waste and takes Ryou’s spot. Tiredness makes itself known again – probably something to do with blood-loss and eating a big meal – and I close my eyes, leaning against Malik’s frightening purple shirt as he chatters on with the others. I slip my arms around Malik’s waist and enjoy his warmth, mumbling replies to whatever random questions get tossed my way.

“Hey, sleepy-head.” Malik turns around and pokes me after half an hour or so, and I shake myself, realising how close I was to drifting off to sleep. Kaiba is still watching me, but I’m too tired to care right now.

“Mmh?” I mumble, hoping I don’t look as exhausted as I feel. Then again, I think I’d have to be dead to look as tired as I feel.

“Nap time again.” Malik smiles, standing up and taking my hand. I just do what he says because the little ones usually know what they’re doing, unless it involves cars, fire or anything that can explode. He leads me into the bedroom and over to what we use as a bed. It’s actually two double mattresses on the floor, piled high with ridiculous amounts of cushions, pillows and duvet covers. Comfy, though. He pushes me down on it and I don’t argue, but I don’t want to sleep alone. I slept alone for longer than anyone should have to, even me.

“Stay.” I order, reaching up and dragging Malik down with me. He grins and curls up next to me, shifting so that his head is tucked against my neck and I can feel his warm breath against my skin. It’s good, and I feel Otogi come in and curl up on Malik’s other side as I drift off to sleep again.

XxXxX

When I next wake up it’s dark, and it’s a new moon outside so it’s really, really dark. The darkest it gets. The new moon makes me feel weird, but I shake it off because I know it’s just because she isn’t shining down on me. The little ones are asleep, and naked, so they probably tired themselves out. I can’t believe they didn’t wake me, shows how tired I was. I pick my way across the room without standing on any of them and head for the bathroom, taking a hot shower before I go looking for Marik. And Kaiba too, I remind myself. I find them in the living room, watching something about motorbikes. Well, Marik is watching it. Kaiba is sipping at yet another cup of tea and pretending to be interested in whatever they’re doing to that bike. I don’t know what he’s really doing, probably inwardly playing chess or something.

I’m hungry. Come over here. Kaiba whispers into my mind, and I look over to see him watching me with dark eyes. I clamp down quickly on the brief spike of fear, because I know he’ll feel it, and Marik will probably pick up on it as well. I was going to make tea, but I guess this takes priority.

Padding over, still wearing nothing except ratty jeans and wondering where all my clothes have gone, I sit in the space between Marik and Kaiba.

“Hey, ‘Kura.” Marik says, taking one of my hands and kissing my fingers absently. He likes my hands, for some reason. I let him play, muttering a greeting back his way. I look at Kaiba questioningly but he doesn’t seem about to jump me and go for the throat, so I lean back in the seat and pretend everything’s fine. The TV show drags my attention away from worrying for a few moments, until Kaiba takes my other hand and starts copying what Marik is doing. I shiver, because you can’t be a world-class thief and not have sensitive hands. Suddenly the television isn’t as interesting as it was a moment ago, and I just lean my head back against the back of the couch, closing my eyes. I can go with this, this is nice. It feels good.

Other than being really horny now, nothing seems to be happening to me, so I’m almost at the stage of feeling safe enough to ask if one of them is going to jump me any time tonight when Kaiba’s teeth are in my wrist. I wasn’t expecting it and I can’t stop my reaction, which is to arch up and scream raggedly, throwing my head back against the cushions behind me. I’m shaking and gasping and instead of freaking out, Marik just swings a leg over to the other side of my hips and straddles my lap, kissing my bared throat. This is so unfair. I can’t move, and the pleasure is starting to melt into pain now. I turn my head slightly and open my eyes, and I can see that Seto has this glazed look, like he doesn’t know that it’s getting too intense. God, my life is just pain and the bits in between lately. Not knowing what else to do and not being able to speak, I aim my thoughts in Kaiba’s direction and send a flash of pain at him, which seems to wake him up. He pulls away quickly and I choke out a groan of relief, focussing on Marik’s lips at my throat because I can’t stop shaking.

“I want him.” I hear after a moment, and it’s Kaiba’s voice. Marik growls at him to piss off and come back later, and there’s not much I can do but lie there, attempting to ignore them both as I try and gather my wits, get my breath back, et cetera. Ignoring them doesn’t prove to be so easy, because at the refusal I feel the cold snap of Kaiba’s power lash out, and Marik is snarling in pain. I open my eyes and blink a few times, focussing on where the two of them are now facing off in the middle of the living room. Alright, this could get messy, but I guess it’s sort of what I wanted. I was hoping I’d be elsewhere, though.

“Bring it on.” Marik growls, and opens up everything he has, throws it at Kaiba. At least it’s not a physical fight, that’s a plus. I think it is, anyway. Kaiba sends that coldness sweeping over everything and Marik staggers back, because it’s one hell of a show of strength. I’m not even in the path of it and my teeth are vibrating. I hate that feeling. Marik backs off before Kaiba brings the house down and grins, which surprises me.

“You win,” he says, “but I’m next.”

And that’s it, he just wanders off to go harass the others like it’s fine. I should have known he’d be as relieved as I am to give up the fight for the number one spot. I get the feeling Marik knew what it was doing to me.

“It looks like I have you all to myself.” Kaiba says, and abruptly I remember what the fight was about. Ah…shit. It’s going to be a long night.

XxXxX

This time when I wake up I’m wrapped up in cold arms. It’s a weird cold though, like something that’s alive but cold-blooded. I ache like hell, but at the same time it’s a satisfying kind of ache that tells me exactly what I was doing all night. I push myself up on my arms and shake my head to wake myself up a little, which never works. Kaiba is looking at me like he had a pretty good night too, and I sit up, looking around. Still in the living room, and Marik is passed out on the couch. I’m on the floor with Kaiba, and Ryou is making tea in the kitchen because I can hear him singing to himself about turtles or something. Otogi and Malik are probably still asleep, I can feel them in the bedroom so I’m not worried.

“Good night?” Ryou asks as he wanders in with a tray of tea. Kaiba takes his gracefully and nods his thanks to Ryou, who seems to take his complete lack of clothes in his stride. Then again… not that unusual in this house. Ryou is the only one wearing anything, and it’s a pink dressing gown that Malik bought because he’s disturbed. Disturbing, too.

“From what I can remember,” I say, because mostly all I can remember is a big hazy load of sex. Not that I mind, I remember enjoying it.

“MmhRyou...” Marik mumbles sleepily, sitting up and dragging Ryou down against his chest like a teddy bear. Ryou squeaks in complaint but goes with it, because he doesn’t really mind. I watch them, probably with a stupid smile at how well they’re doing before Kaiba catches me and I look away. I just… I like the fact that my little light has a strong mate to watch over him. Not having a mate makes me appreciate how important it is, and I’m glad Ryou has it.

I should get dressed, I’ve been walking around in jeans for three days now. And a shower, that wouldn’t hurt. I get up slowly, stretch, and head for the bathroom, leaving Kaiba to drink his morning tea. He doesn’t seem to feel like leaving me alone though, because the moment I turn the hot water on his voice is in my head again.

Why don’t you have a mate? He asks, and I can imagine him out there, pretending to pay attention to whatever breakfast show Ryou is watching while he talks to me.

You’ve met me, Kaiba. You know why. I say back, assuming he can pick up on it. I wash my hair while he thinks about that, or maybe does some kind of creepy, watching-me-in-the-shower-mentally ability.

You hate yourself. He says, and that was sort of abrupt. I close my eyes and wash away the soap bubbles, sighing.

Yeah. I reply softly, because he’s been in my head and there’s no point arguing. He’s pack leader now. He’s the alpha here, he knows what it means. It’s weird how normal Malik, Otogi and Ryou are being about it, to be honest.

Kaiba goes quiet after that, and I get out of the shower, get dressed and follow my nose to where Ryou is cooking breakfast. Bacon, lots of it. And eggs, toast, sausages, tomatoes, mushrooms, the full English deal. I leer at Malik as he wanders past me, minus clothes. He grins because he likes the attention and sits down at the table, totally civilized apart from the nakedness. Not that it bothers me. I sit as well, across from Kaiba, who’s eyeing me again.

You’re staring. I point out, because I think I have this talking mentally thing pretty much down.

What is there to hate? He says, and it takes me a minute to realise we’re carrying on what he was saying while I was in the shower. Sighing, I look away, watching absently as Ryou and Otogi bring plates and stuff to the table.

Don’t make me list it all, Kaiba. You’ve been inside my head, you must have seen some of it. I imagine he saw a lot more than some, the amount of time he spent screwing around in there. I don’t care, if he wanted to see every sin I’ve ever committed, fine. I don’t need him to love me or even like me, I just need him to be here and fix the mess I made of everything.

Maybe I want a list. He replies. I look up and he’s looking at me sternly, like I had better start counting things off on fingers before he brings on the hurt.

I’m not listing every one of my faults for you, Kaiba. If you want another look around inside my head, feel free. Just let me eat breakfast first, I’ll worry Ryou. I say firmly, not about to be budged on this issue.

Bon appetite. He says, and leaves it at that. I pick at my breakfast a while before forcing myself to eat it, reminding myself that he’s here because I screwed up, because I couldn’t fix things on my own. I made him our leader, I offered it to him. He took it, and now it seems that everyone will be happy except me, but I can cope. I’ll get used to it, he’ll get bored and lay off me eventually.

After breakfast and listening to Marik persuade Kaiba to stay another night, I head off to the bedroom. Otogi, Malik and Ryou leave for shopping or something, since we just ate most of what was left in the house. Marik goes into one of his TV comas, so I’m pretty much alone until Kaiba slides into the room and sits elegantly down on the cushion-bed across from me.

“Wait.” I demand, before he can just push his way into my mind the way he did before. He listens to me and stops, which is good. I crawl over and sit with my back against his chest, swallowing thickly because I don’t want to do this. It’s going to hurt, but at least I can make it better than last time. “Go slow, ok? Just… just do it slowly.” I say quietly, hoping to god he can’t feel me shaking against his chest. I feel pathetic.

“You could just tell me why you hate yourself so much.” He suggests. I laugh bitterly.

“Why should I make anything easy for you? Just do it, Kaiba. Get it over with and leave me alone.” I say in a flat voice. I don’t want to see anyone right now, I just want some time alone for once. I usually love having Ryou and the others around me, but today I just want peace, just for a little while.

“Close your eyes.” He whispers against my throat, and if he bites me again without warning me first I’ll fucking kill him, I mean it. I close my eyes and he pulls me back against him, his chest cool against my back. I relax a little and after a moment I feel that tickling behind my eyes, trying to open up to it. I tense against him as he turns up the pressure a little and try to keep still as he searches for what he’s looking for. It takes a while for him to find it, but I know he’s got there in the end because I feel all the horror I felt at the time, all the hatred directed at myself, and all the guilt I’ve felt ever since come rushing to the forefront of my mind. He slides out quickly and lets me up, and I scramble to the bathroom just in time to throw up my breakfast into the toilet, shaking and sobbing and gasping that I’m sorry over and over again, like the walking mass of damage that I am. I’m such an idiot. Such a monster.

“You bit him. You turned Ryou.” Kaiba says, from somewhere behind me. I retch again, my whole body shaking like a leaf. You think you’ve dealt with something, and then… Ugh, my head. I deserve it, it hurts and I deserve it. Everything these last few days has hurt, but it won’t ever be enough. There’s never going to be a point where I’ve hurt enough, and I’m suddenly guilt-free. I know all too well that it doesn’t work like that.

“Leave me alone.” I whisper, in a voice raspy from retching. He doesn’t leave, so I wipe my mouth off and slide down against the side of the bath, closing my eyes. “Please.” I ask, because I need time alone, to push it all down before Ryou gets back and sees what a mess I am right now. Luckily Marik is still in his TV coma, because I really don’t need him seeing me like this. I know what I must look like, and I know I’m crying and I can’t stop. I just want him to go away, but instead he helps me up and brings me back to the bedroom. It isn’t until he sits down with me that I snap myself out of it a little and crawl shakily away from him, to the other side of the room.

“Whatever you want, just… I can’t, not now. I’ll do it later, whatever you want, just give me a few hours.” I say, wondering if I’m even making sense. I can’t feed him in this state, I won’t be able to stop myself freaking out.

With a final, long look at me huddled against the wall like a pathetic dog, he turns and leaves. I thank every god out there and crawl under the covers, closing my eyes and waiting for it all to be better.

XxXxX

A week passes, and then two, and Kaiba went home and then came back. Everything went so smoothly with it, with him gradually just…becoming part of the pack, I guess. Things between Marik and I got easier, we went back to being buddies, friends, partners in crime… It’s good. Ryou and Malik and Otogi just accepted it as though it was something they’d been waiting for all along, and now it looks like the only one who finds it weird is me. Which is stupid, because I’m the one who bought him here. For his part, he seems to actually like his new role. I think he really was lonely, and for someone like Kaiba things must have been pretty damn bad for that to happen. I was worried he wouldn’t want to really get involved in this, wouldn’t really care about the little ones the way he’s supposed to. He has to want to protect them, and after the first week I could see it. It took him that long to get comfortable with Malik’s touchy-feely, use-people-as-furniture thing, and Otogi can damn near read minds when it comes to knowing what stupid issues people are having this week, so that weirded him out a little, too. He got over it, though, and now he’s just…one of us. He even got the whole protecting Ryou thing, which we all do without even noticing it half the time.

In fact, the best moment over the last fortnight was when Kaiba was doing something with that laptop of his on the couch, with Malik on one side and Otogi on the other, half joining in the conversation they were having about why parents use birds and bees to describe sex when birds eat bees. Marik was laying on the floor across all their feet, sleeping. I was cooking, because Ryou needs a break every now and then and I can make a mean lasagne when the mood strikes me. Anyway, Ryou wandered in, made tea in one of those not-quite-awake-but-still-British ways he has, then tottered out into the living room to pass it around. I could see them all, because our dining room, kitchen and living room are only separated by counter-type things and half-walls. Yeah, interior design is not my thing, I would happily live in a cave if it had a shower in the back. So, Ryou heads into the living room with a tray of tea and coffee, even though he thinks coffee is blasphemy. He handed it out and Kaiba put away his laptop because the conversation was actually getting pretty funny. Then Kaiba just pulled Ryou down onto his lap like we all do every now and then. Ryou kinda snuggled, and everything was beautiful. Just how everything is supposed to be, and they made such a great picture. Malik and Otogi were waving their hands about while they talked, Ryou was giggling, Kaiba had that amused smirk on his face and Marik was snoring. It was just how it should be.

It’s getting close to that certain time of the month now though, and everyone’s mood shifts. Malik gets even more manic, Otogi goes quiet, Ryou gets really cuddly and Marik gets overprotective. This was when we used to have our serious fights, but it looks like that’s all changed now. I get… I get lonely, at this time of the month. Most of the time I can ignore the fact that I don’t have a mate. I can pretend it doesn’t matter. But when the moon’s full it’s the time when being with your mate really matters, and I’m alone again. Kaiba isn’t like us, he isn’t ruled by the moon and he doesn’t change. He understands what’s going on, though. Just because the moon doesn’t rule him doesn’t mean that its phases don’t affect him. He’s been watching me a lot more the last couple of days, I get the horrible feeling he knows how I feel. I don’t want him to know that, I don’t want pity. It’s my own fault again, though. I let him in my head. Sometimes I wonder if he would have forced his way in anyway if I hadn’t let him. He did the first time, I suppose he would have. I don’t care, we’re not like mortals. We’re harsher when it comes to things like that. Well, those of us who’re old are, anyway. We’d never think like that when it comes to the little ones, but for us old ones if you’re stronger, you can take what you want. It’s just the way things work. The way animals work, and that’s what we are in the end. I wonder sometimes if we’re more animal than human, and if that’s a bad thing.

“I’m hungry.” Kaiba says quietly, from behind me. I’m getting used to him creeping up on me now. I’m still feeding him, just not as often as before. Only once a week, maybe twice if he’s really active. I hated it at first, but now… Well, at this time of the month the mated pairs really pair up, and I get left out. I sound pathetic, but any contact is better than none at all. Even Kaiba’s fangs in my throat, at least it feels good, and he doesn’t take as much now. I don’t get exhausted any more, just a little dizzy and for a few minutes I can just close my eyes and feel like he needs me. I’m not the only one who can give him this and I know it, but it’s nice to pretend that he doesn’t just come to me because I said I’d feed him if he fixed the mess I made of everything. It’s nice to pretend that he comes to me because I’m the only one he really wants to feed from. God, I’m so pathetic at this time of the month.

“Okay. Okay.” I say, and stop staring up at the sky like I’m trying to send myself blind. It’ll be dark in a few hours and I can already see the outline of the moon between the clouds, a pale and watery reflection of how bright she’ll be shining once it gets dark. I turn to Kaiba and he’s gritting his teeth slightly, because when he’s hungry he hates the sunlight. I wonder if it hurts him to be out here, I always thought he’d start smouldering or turn to ash or something. I guess I watch too many movies, it just seems to give him a headache. I wonder if he feels empty in the daytime, the way I feel when there’s no moon.

“Bedroom.” He mutters, then turns and heads back inside. He must really be hungry, so I follow him without saying anything. The moment we’re in the bedroom and the door is shut, I see the line of his shoulders relax a little. I didn’t realise how tense he was out in the light, it must be hard being what he is. He doesn’t seem to hate it that much, though. He sent Mokuba away, but I know they still talk and write and everything, and it’s a good thing in the end. He’s smarter than me. He wouldn’t make the same mistake I made. He wouldn’t let himself just snap. Just…turn around one day and bite the hand that feeds him, without thinking.

“Sit.” He orders, and I scowl even as I do as he says, dropping down on the comfy mass of pillows and covers.

“I’m a wolf, not a fucking dog.” I snarl, and he may be alpha here but he doesn’t get to order me around like that on a whim, when it isn’t important. In battle, fine. Not now, not when all he wants from me is a free meal. I feel like vampire fast food.

“I know,” he smirks, pulling me into his arms. I’ve gotten used to the fact that his skin is cold, I like it. It’s not even that cold, just…cool. Cool and smooth and it warms up after a while, if I stay close long enough. His teeth close in on the side of my throat and I tense up a little, but it’s mostly just instinct now. I close my eyes and relax back, letting him take what he wants. It feels good, great, and just for a little while I don’t feel so empty.

Once he’s done he draws back a little and I frown, not wanting to be let go of just yet. He picks up on it and draws me back again, just holding onto me and kissing away the marks on my throat. He doesn’t need to do that, I can heal on my own, but he does it anyway.

While I lay there in his arms I think about tonight, about running alone while they all run in pairs. I take up the back of the pack, watching for danger while they hunt and run and play and howl. I don’t mind, I don’t have a mate so it’s nice to be able to watch over them, have some way of contributing. It makes me feel like I’m not such a waste of space after all.

“Why do you have to hate yourself?” Kaiba murmurs against my neck, and I close my eyes in pain because I don’t need this right now. He can’t leave it alone, and every time he brings it up it hurts.

“You know why. Just leave it alone, Kaiba.” I say, hoping the pleading note to my voice is only in my head.

“Do you want a mate? It’s important to you.” He whispers, and I know by ‘you’ he means my kind. I wish he’d just drop it already.

“No.” I lie, because he knows the truth, he knows I don’t deserve it. I won’t let myself have that because of what I did to Ryou.

“Ryou doesn’t hate you.” Kaiba says, his fingers stroking through my hair. It’s soothing, he’s probably trying to stop me running away. Just like an animal, but it’s working. I’m weak, pathetic, I should be stronger.

“He should.” I reply, knowing he’s talked to Ryou. Asked about the night I bit him, about whether or not Ryou likes what he is. Of course Ryou would say that he doesn’t mind, it’s Ryou.

“It wasn’t your fault.” Kaiba murmurs, and I laugh bitterly. Of course it was my fault! I’m the one who couldn’t control it, I’m the one who bit the person I’m supposed to protect. I don’t hate what I am, but forcing it on Ryou… I should have been killed for it. I should have gone to the Pharaoh, admitted what I’d done, let him kill me. I’ve been this way all my life, I should have had more control than that.

“Stop bringing it up. I fucking mean it.” I growl, and let my power flare, telling him I’ll fight it out if I have to. I’ll lose, but I’d rather bleed than talk about it.

He seems to accept that, and just moves to lay down with me pulled tightly against him. I close my eyes and send a silent prayer to the moon for him to just leave me be. Just… take me at face value, leave my insides alone. Keep out of my issues. He doesn’t seem to understand that I deserve it.

“You change tonight.” He says after a while, and I’d assumed he was asleep. I keep my eyes closed and sigh, not really sure what to feel about it. He’s never seen us change before.

“Yeah.” I murmur, wondering for an instant what would happen if he saw us change and it scared him off. Then I realise he’s his own monster too, and he’s smart enough to have known from the beginning that this is just a part of who we are.

“When?”

“Soon.” I feel it, the tingling in my fingers, the restless energy, the longing for outside. I sit up slowly, stretching and yawning, feeling the others out there in the living room curled up together. They’re waiting for it. “You should be out there. With them.” I tell Kaiba, who nods and stands up. He looks down at me with an eyebrow raised in question, but I shake my head.

“You should be out there too.” He says, lightly accusing but not ordering. I know that, but I want to be alone.

“I have something to do.” I tell him, and he seems to accept that because he leaves and closes the door behind him. I get the weird feeling that he’s somehow still watching me though the wall, but I ignore it after a moment because it doesn’t matter. It might be my imagination, I’m twitchy when it’s this close to the change.

There really is something I needed to do, something I don’t do often. I crawl over to the corner and sit against the wall with my knees drawn up to my chest, my arms wrapped around them. I close my eyes and think of the moon, and pray. It’s been so long since I just prayed, yet another thing to feel guilty about. The thing I pray to... well, it’s difficult to explain. Pharaoh prays to Ra, he always has. The sun. I pity him sometimes, because he’s a child of the moon and the sun at the same time. I, on the other hand, know where I stand in this respect. I was born this way. I was never bitten, I’ve just always been this. I pray to the moon, the deities confuse me. The mortals give different names to her now and then, but she doesn’t need a name. If she had any name, it would be Lah. The moon. I know she’s a woman, a mother. She has that feel about her. She’s been given so many names, but they never quite got it right. She’s been Khonsu, the first name I ever heard for her. That was wrong, because Khonsu protected against wild animals. Against us, I always thought – why would she be against us? Khonsu was male, as far as I understood it. Then again, back then I was an ignorant peasant, so perhaps I don’t understand these things as well as a pharaoh would.

After Khonsu I heard her have many more names. Sin, whose daughter was Ishtar. That always made me smile. Ishtar, the goddess of fertility, love and war. It always made me wonder how love and war could be connected in one person. I suppose I should stop thinking of deities as people. Hecate, the Queen of Ghosts; Tsukiyomi, never to be looked at by the sun again; Mani, who runs from the wolf; Diana and Artemis, who are the closest the mortals have come to really getting it right. The goddess of the forest and hills, the hunt, and the moon. That works for me. I wonder if she hears me when I pray to her. I never really ask for anything, I just like to let her know I’ll always be her child. I tell her about Kaiba and how he won’t just let it lie, how he keeps bringing the hurt back to the surface. I can function fine when I crush it down, but he never lets me for long. I tell her about how the others are doing, how there’s no penance I can pay for what I did to Ryou. I tell her that I’m pleased, because Marik and I don’t fight – not seriously – any more. I tell her I still hate wearing shoes because I can’t feel the ground beneath my feet. I wonder if it pisses her off to have me tell her all this stuff that she probably already knows. No, I think she likes hearing from her kids now and then. I wonder if it makes her sad that Pharaoh doesn’t pray to her. He prays to the sun, who never wanted him.

Once I’m done, I feel the change start. It’s quick and easy, I’ve been doing this for a very, very long time. One moment I’m human-shaped, then I’m not. In the time it takes for me to fall to my knees I’m a wolf, and I land on paws. The world blossoms into a million different scents and my vision sharpens, and every time it happens I think I missed this. I could stay like this forever.

Shaking myself and enjoying having fur again, I nudge the door open and pad into the living room, where my pack waits for me. Kaiba is sitting watching television with Ryou’s head in his lap, and he’s stroking his hand absently through Ryou’s white fur. I guess it doesn’t bother him, then. Malik and Otogi are lying beside each other, watching the television with this weird fascination because it looks a lot different through the eyes of a wolf. Otogi is jet black and Malik’s fur is caramel, and they look good together. Malik’s tail is twitching all over the place, because he’s a freak and he never could keep still. Marik is prowling about, this huge, dark brown beast that looks like he could take down anyone. He wants to run, I can feel it. Kaiba looks over at me as I pad in, and he takes in exactly what I look like. White fur, black ear and tail tips, red eyes. I don’t see what’s so fascinating, but he can’t seem to take his eyes off me.

You’re staring again. I say, forming people-words in my head and shooting them at him. Even Marik has a hard time making human thoughts in this form, but I’m one of the old ones and I always was smarter than him. He doesn’t see the need for it, but it comes in handy occasionally. Seeing things as a human would when you’re in this form is odd, but it can be a good thing. I hardly ever just let myself think like an animal any more, because I’m afraid I’d never want to come back. I’m afraid I’d figure out that there’s no point staying in human form when all I ever do is watch over Ryou. I can do that like this, but I like to be able to wrap my arms around him and tell him, in words, that he’s an angel. I sometimes wonder if he knows that there’ve been days when he’s the only reason I stay alive.

Come here. I hear Kaiba think at me, and I pad over, wondering what he wants. Ryou, small and perfect, growls a soft greeting at me as I approach, climbing onto the couch on the other side of Kaiba. I return the greeting and sit there, surprised when long, cool fingers trail through my fur. Kaiba strokes me, touches my white fur and looks into my eyes, and he’s fascinated.

You knew this would happen, it shouldn’t be any great surprise. I point out, lowering my head because I don’t want to look at him. I don’t want to see how wonderful he seems to think I am in this form, because I’m not. I’m really, really not. I look at Ryou instead and watch him dozing off on Seto’s lap like a puppy.

I didn’t think you could be as beautiful in this form as you are usually. Comes the reply, and I tense up because I’d been expecting him to make some smart remark at me. I’m not beautiful, he knows that. He knows what I am, what a monster I am. I’m not even talking about the wolf thing, either.

We should go out before Marik goes crazy. I advise, changing the subject. If he says one word about leashes I’m going for his throat, I mean it. Luckily for him, he just nods and gently removes Ryou’s head from his lap, standing up. We all perk up, heading for the door, and he opens it for us. Instead of running off madly for the edge of town, we go slow because he’s with us. We can let loose when we get there, but he’s our leader and it feels nice to have him there, locking up behind us, walking along in long strides through the dark streets. The few people that see us keep well away, since it’s pretty unusual to see a guy walking along with five wolves milling around his legs. They probably mistake us for dogs, but most of them have survival instincts that aren’t connected to their brains, that tell them to keep away. Kaiba ignores them, and we make it to the edge of town in under ten minutes. Once we get there Otogi and Malik run off into the woods, growling and laughing, and Marik takes Ryou off too. I watch Kaiba lean casually against a tree, at home in the darkness of the woods. He seems happy, and he even smirks now and then when one of the little ones or Marik comes bounding towards him, telling him something in growls before racing off again. It’s nice, but it makes me feel tired for some reason. They have so much energy, but I think it’s mostly joy at being able to run around free like this, their mate at their side and their alpha in human form watching over them. It’s actually an advantage that he doesn’t change, because if any real humans were to turn up he could warn them off. We had a run-in with a hunter once, he almost shot Marik before we got out of there. That wouldn’t happen now. Kaiba would feel anyone coming a mile away.

Aren’t you going to join them? He asks as I lay down at his feet, resting my head on my paws and watching the others play with the wolf equivalent of a smile.

I’ll hunt with them later. Let them play for now. I tell him. He moves to sit at the base of the tree, running his hand through my fur again. I close my eyes and let him, just enjoying the night and the moonlight.

I can’t get thoughts from any of them. He says, conversationally. Not the way I usually do. Just images and feelings. It’s confusing, but I think I could get used to it.

They’re not as old as I am. And Marik doesn’t see the need. I explain. That’s a reason Marik could never be alpha. He doesn’t think ahead enough to protect the pack. I do, but I don’t have the strength. Kaiba seems about to reply, but instead his hand stills in my fur and he tenses up. I growl in question, worried.

Yami is coming.

I get to my feet and Marik comes bouncing past. I growl at him to stop, and look to Kaiba.

Tell him to keep them away for a while. You, stay with me. Kaiba orders, and I growl at Marik to take the others on the hunt and keep them away from here for a while. He snarls to let me know he isn’t happy about it, but he does it anyway, running off into the woods with a calling howl. The little ones answer him and I feel them get further and further away, relaxing slightly once they’re off the radar. Since Kaiba wants me here to translate, I pace back and forth as he stands up, feeling the Pharaoh getting closer and closer. After a few minutes he slinks into the clearing, that weird colouring he has to his hair showing through in the markings on his fur. He’s mostly black, but he has ginger and blonde marks here and there. His eyes are red, like mine, but he looks almost feral. I think this is the first time he’s let himself change in a long, long time.

Pharaoh. I greet, and I hear Kaiba send the same thought, testing the water to see if he can understand it. His head cocks to one side for a moment as he hears Kaiba’s cold greeting, and he growls out a reply directed at me.

He’s your alpha now? He’s not even one of us. Pharaoh snarls, using words so Kaiba can understand. I think he’s looking for a fight.

He doesn’t have to be. He’s close enough. I growl back, and being this close to him is getting my hackles up. He’s not part of the pack, he’s not supposed to be here. Kaiba lays a calming hand on my back and I calm a little, telling myself I shouldn’t be so edgy. The little ones are away, there’s no danger. He can’t hurt Kaiba, he can’t hurt my little ones, he can’t hurt Marik. Nothing else matters. There’s nothing else here I need to protect.

You offered it to me. Pharaoh hisses into my mind, and suddenly I see what this is about. He’s pissed because we’re happy, we’re a whole pack again and he’s still denying what he is. Or…he was. He doesn’t seem to be denying it tonight. I don’t think I would’ve been happy with him as pack leader. I’m happy with Kaiba leading us. He protects the little ones, and not just out of duty. He really cares for them. I can live with him making me feel like shit every now and then, this isn’t about me.

You declined. I hear Kaiba reply before I can, and he’s watching Pharaoh with these glowing eyes. They’re usually blue, but tonight they’re yellow. He’s leaning against the tree again, but he still looks dangerous.

So you’re Kaiba’s lapdog now? Pharaoh says to me, ignoring Kaiba completely. I growl out a warning, because I’m nobody’s lapdog. I hear another sound from behind me, a low, frightening snarl. It’s quiet, but it’s threatening. Kaiba.

This pack is mine. Bakura is mine. You can try and take them, and see what happens. Kaiba’s voice echoing in my mind is the angriest I’ve ever heard him. Pharaoh takes a step back before he realises what he’s doing, and he locks eyes with me.

So that’s how it is. You finally found a mate. He says, bitter. I can feel how much he hates me in that moment, and somehow this whole confrontation has become about me. I don’t understand what’s going on.

I don’t know what the hell you- I begin, before Pharaoh just lets go and comes at me, snarling. I’m so focussed on making my thoughts into human words that I’m a split second too late to dodge, and I feel his teeth sink into my shoulder. I yelp in surprise more than pain and twist out of the grip of his jaws, fur bristling, about to retaliate, when I feel something cold brush past me. I don’t understand what it is until Pharaoh is flying backwards, crashing against a tree. Branches break and he crashes to the ground, still. He’s not dead, but that was a hell of a beating he just took.

I look towards Kaiba in confusion but all I hear from him is anger. That low snarl and thoughts that’re just red with bloodlust. He stalks over to where Pharaoh is laying and crouches down, growling at me to stay back when I try to follow. I stay where I am and watch, wondering if he’s about to kill the creature laid out on the ground in front of him. Power flows out and everything gets cold, colder than it’s ever felt before. It’s stronger than when Kaiba fought Marik, stronger than the rush of energy that just hit the Pharaoh. Stronger than anything I’ve ever felt from him. It hurts my head and I whimper, taking a couple of steps back. The power turns in and suddenly Pharaoh is changing again, back to his human shape. He opens his eyes once he’s changed and looks terrified, staring up at Kaiba in shock.

What’s going on? I demand, needing to know why the hell the Pharaoh looks so afraid and why Kaiba isn’t saying anything. After he’s stared Pharaoh down for a good long moment, Kaiba stands up shakily and strides back over to me, back to the tree he was leaning against earlier. It’s dark there and he seems to welcome it, leaning heavily against the tree and closing his eyes.

“Go.” He says to the Pharaoh, sounding like he really wants to go over there and just kill him. Pharaoh glances at me, frightened, then gets slowly to his feet. He doesn’t seem to know what to say and I don’t understand until I try and feel his power. It isn’t there anymore. There’s nothing, just the warm, weak feeling of another mortal. My eyes widen in realisation and I barely notice Pharaoh stumbling off back towards Domino as I turn to Kaiba.

You took it away. I whisper, and now I know how strong he really is. He looks down at me and then slides to sit with his back against the tree, reaching out a hand for me to come to him. I do and he shivers, much colder than he usually is.

He didn’t deserve it. Kaiba says, his voice sounding like a weak shadow of what it usually is. Ok, worried now. He’s exhausted; I can tell he needs blood. His eyes get this hollow look when he’s hungry, and I think he knows more about being an animal than he lets on.

Close your eyes. I ask, and he does. I change back, and it’s weird to be in this form during the full moon. This is another thing only Marik and the Pharaoh can do. Well, I guess only Marik, now. Kaiba opens his eyes again and I’m back to my human shape, because I can see how much it’s wiping him out even throwing his voice to me.

“Dinner time.” I murmur, smiling slightly and moving to straddle his lap. He doesn’t seem to have the energy to object, and I lean forward to nuzzle his neck while he breathes softly against mine. It feels like… It feels like we’re a pair. Mates. I know we aren’t, but in this moment he needs me.

“We could be.” He whispers against my neck, and before I can give my usual reply he bites down. I arch against him and go with it, secretly loving the feeling of giving some of my life to him. I run my fingers through his hair and moan, and a brief thought trickles through to me. He loves the sounds I make when he does this.

Eventually his teeth draw out and he licks the wound clean, sealing it up. I sigh and curl up in his arms, knowing I’ll run tomorrow, hunt tomorrow. Right now my alpha needs me, and it’s alright. She’ll understand. I’ll tell her all about it, next time I pray. A sudden thought strikes me and I turn around to look at him, his eyes back to being blue again. I get the feeling he knows what I’m about to say.

“You could take it away from Ryou. You could... you could fix it. What I did to him.” I say, my voice a little more ragged than I expected. He runs a hand through my hair and pulls me forward, nuzzling my neck again.

“I asked him if he wanted it. He said no.” Kaiba tells me. I freeze in his arms and he looks down at me, watching my eyes widen and fill with tears. I can’t stop them. I can’t stop. It can’t be true.

“He-He said no…?” I whimper, and I must look pretty lost in that moment because he sends this warm wave of love and longing and sadness at me. It’s nothing like the coldness that usually pours off him.

“You didn’t ruin his life. He doesn’t want to be anything else. He loves what he is. He doesn’t understand that you hate yourself over it. He thinks of it as a gift, and he only loves you more for giving it to him.” Kaiba whispers to me, and everything goes hazy. How could that be true? How could he love me for that? How could he not want to take back the mistake I made? Things clear a little when Kaiba shakes me gently, looking into my eyes, worried.

“Why?” I ask, not even really knowing what I’m asking. He leans forward a little and kisses me, then whispers against my lips as I sit there and try to understand what this all means.

“He will never grow old. He will never die. He will always be surrounded by people who love and protect him. He will always have this freedom to run, to hunt, to let everything out. You gave him all that. He was never this happy before.”

I press my lips against his again because I need to feel him, and I feel his cool hand at the back of my neck, his thumb stroking my skin in soothing touches. It’s nice. Calming. Ryou doesn’t hate me. Ryou doesn’t blame me. What I did to him… it-it wasn’t so bad. He doesn’t want to go back.

“Why did you ask him if he wanted to be mortal again?” I ask, softly.

“For you. I came here for you. I care for them all, I’d never let anything happen to them, but I want you as my mate.” He says, using that hand at the back of my neck to bring my gaze up to his. I search his eyes for any sign that he’s playing with me, but there’s nothing sharp and covered about them now. He’s looking at me like he really does want me. He’s been in my head, he’s seen everything that I am, and he still wants me.

“That’s why you stare at me.” I realise, then lean forward and kiss him one more time. “Yeah,” I breathe, smiling slightly. “I think we could work that.”

XxXxX

The End.

XxXxX

Finished 03/03/08