Only His Brother

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by Kazuki Takahashi. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Beta: Kamerreon

Warnings: Yaoi: Male/Male homosexual relationships and Incest. If that bothers you, don’t read! AU

Only His Brother

I knew it shouldn’t have happened. I had already been hurt so many times, too many times. I promised myself that I would never love again. I promised that I would never let myself hope for something that would never be.

I promised myself.

I am weak. Too weak to fight these feelings. I hate that I am so weak. Once again, I have fallen, and I know that I will be shattered. I will become an empty shell, my hopes, dreams, soul, and heart will cease to exist. I will be shattered because the one I am in love with, and have been for a long time is my elder brother Yami Mutou.

I honestly don’t know when it happened. Maybe it was the first time he smiled at me. Maybe it was when he fought off the bullies that used me as a punching bag. Maybe it was the times he would comfort me after a bad breakup. Maybe I’ve loved him all of my life and was just too blind to see it. Maybe I knew that it wouldn’t work out, so I foolishly pushed it to the back of my mind never to be thought of again.

I try—oh, how I try to forget these feelings. I wish I never had them, but I know that they will never leave me. He is the other half of my soul. He is the air that I breathe, the reason I get up in the morning, and he is the reason I dream. Without my beloved brother, this beautiful world would only be shrouded in shades of gray.

I would look at life and see nothing. I would become nothing. He is my reason for living, and he doesn’t even know.

-

“What is wrong with you?” Anzu screeched.

I flinched back from the anger and disgust. I shouldn’t have told them. Why did I tell them? I was still so stupid and naïve. After all this time I still hadn’t learned my lesson.

There used to be a time where I could tell them anything, and they would back me up, and support me when I fell. Yet, as I look at the faces of my friends I can’t help but think where did that time go? When did we start to grow apart? Was I so lost in my own thoughts and troubles that I never noticed?

“Da is nutin’ wrong with Yuugi!” a familiar voice yelled back.

“Yes there is, Jou,” she continued to yell, poking him in the chest with her index finger as she moved forward trying to make her point. “Didn’t you hear what he just said?”

“Yea, so? Just ‘cause he’s gay-”

“And in love with his brother! Did you somehow miss that part?” Her normally soft blue eyes glared at me, with so many emotions that in my panicked state I couldn’t decipher. However, even then, I could see the disgust.

It wasn’t wrong. No matter what people said I couldn’t believe that it was wrong. Why did it matter if I loved him? Why did everyone want to control my life? He was my brother, yes, but I loved him with everything that I have.

People go out into the world and marry strangers, so what was wrong with being with someone that you have loved your whole life? What was wrong with society?

I clenched my hands feeling my nails dig into my palms slightly drawing blood. Stop it! Stop talking. Stop saying that this is wrong—just stop it.

It isn’t wrong. It… can’t be wrong.

It’s not fair.

Why did I have to fall in love? Why did I have to notice that his red eyes sparkle like rubies when he was happy? Why did I have to notice how his expression would soften, or how he would get that expression of concentration when he was working on something hard, or confusing? Why did I have to love the feel of his arms as he held me, comforting me?

He was my savior. My hero. My love. My brother.

“-t is wrong, Jou. How many times do I have to tell you that? It’s sick.” The hateful words filled my ears. I couldn’t help but hear them.

“No it isn’t. Will you stop bein’ so closed-minded fer a sec an’ listen?” My best friend. I felt tears spilling down my cheeks as I listened to my best friend defend me. I felt relieved and scared, panicked and afraid.

It was happening too fast. I wasn’t even sure I knew what was happening. I could barely comprehend the vision in front of me, blurred as it was. But what I saw twisted the knife in my heart that much more.

My three best friends were fighting, almost coming to blows because of something I said. It was my fault. It was because of these feelings. The three of them had been friends for years before I came along. So why were they fighting over me? Why was it so important? Did my words really affect them that much? What did loving my brother have to do with breaking up a five-year friendship?

It was my problem, so I don’t see how it affected them. They didn’t have to live with the pain that I was feeling. They didn’t have to live with the knowledge that he would never love me back. So why did it matter to them?

Jou was defending me with every breath, while Anzu was treating me like a disease, and Honda was in the middle trying to make sure they didn’t come to blows. I briefly wondered what his opinion was, but I didn’t dare ask. It wasn’t important anymore. None of this was important.

“Stop it! Just stop! Please stop!” I screamed. I couldn’t take it anymore. “Don’t fight anymore—not over me—I’m not worth it. Don’t you see? It is my fault that you’re fighting. We used to be friends. You used to be friends before I came along. Don’t you see? If I leave then you can go back to how it used to be.” I tried to hold back the sobs, but I couldn’t. I was weak. I’d always been weak. I’d always needed someone to help me back up, to carry me whether I needed it or not. I couldn’t think of a day where I didn’t lean on someone. I never leaned on my own strength.

I couldn’t see them anymore through the tears. I couldn’t stop shaking. It was too hard. Why did everything have to be too hard? Forcing my body to stop shaking slightly I forced the next words out of my mouth even though I didn’t want to, “It doesn’t matter. I don’t matter okay? Forget me. Forget everything that we ever had. I’ll be fine on my own. I always am.”

I didn’t care if we were still in school. I didn’t care that I was going to skip the most important class of the day, which was next. I didn’t go. I couldn’t go. Without looking at my former friends who were now thankfully silent, I turned and ran as far as I could.

I had to get away, away from my problems, away from my heartbreak and away from my life. Why was everything so complicated? Why, oh why, did I have to fall in love?

Fumbling with the doorknob, I jerked it open before quickly discarding my shoes and walking through the living room. My room. That was the only thing on my mind. I wasn’t allowing myself to think of anything else. I pushed it to the back of my mind, until I was safely in my room. Only then would I cry out my pain and sorrow. Only then would I allow myself to be weak one last time.

“Yuugi? What’s wrong?” the cautious sounding words brought my attention to the only other person in the room.

No. Why him? Why now? I was so close. I didn’t want to fall apart—not in front of him.

“It’s nothing,” I choked out, my voice already hoarse from crying, running, and the brief yelling earlier.

“Don’t lie to me Yuugi!” he ordered.

I grit my teeth. I couldn’t tell him. Not after what just happened. There was no way I would be able to handle another rejection. I didn’t want to break. I didn’t want to have the light of my life disappear because of a few words. I wouldn’t let him.

“It doesn’t matter, none of it matters anymore. Just let it be. Please?” For the first time since I entered the room. I raised my head and looked him in the eye. His beautiful red eyes that I loved so much. The eyes that I didn’t want to look on me with disgust, like Anzu had. I loved my brother more than life itself, and I wouldn’t… couldn’t change the way those eyes looked at me.

I heard a sharp indrawn breath. I don’t know what he saw in my eyes. Maybe it was all the pain that I had kept hidden for so long. Maybe it was the love that I held for him. Maybe it was the dull void that was starting to creep up on me, the nothingness that was invading my soul, mind, and heart. If I couldn’t feel, then I would be safe. If I couldn’t feel then—

Warmth. I froze in shock as his warm, strong arms wrapped around me, comforting me, hugging me close. A harsh keening wail escaped my throat. Why? Why did he have to be my safe harbor in the storm of my heart? Why did he have to be the lighthouse in the darkness of my soul? Why did he make me feel?

Why?

“Shh, it’ll be okay,” the soft voice cooed in my ear.

I shook my head almost violently. No, it wouldn’t. Nothing would be okay again, because he made me feel. He made me live, and he’d kill me because of it. Strong sobs echoed in the stillness of the room, as I couldn’t hold back the dam anymore. My body started shaking as I clung to the shirt of my brother—my anchor.

I don’t know how long it took, but my pain finally dulled until it became a consistent ache. My eyes felt heavy and raw, and my cheeks felt stiff and brittle. Unclenching my sore hands from Yami’s shirt, I chanced a look up.

“Better?” he asked softly, as if afraid it would set me off again.

I cocked my head to the side in thought. I wasn’t better. I still hurt. The pain may have dulled, but it was still there, and I knew that it would come back even stronger than last time. There was no way for me to get better, better wasn’t an option for me.

Deciding that outright lying wasn’t the best option, I fibbed. “A little bit.” I winced at the sound of my voice, as I ran a hand over my sore throat.

A smile lit his face as he stared at me. “Good.”

Watching him stand up, I finally noticed that he had placed me on the couch, probably sometime while I was crying. Had I really been that out of it? I ran a tired hand through my now limp hair.

“You know you can tell me anything right?” the voice that I adored was once again soft as if he spoke any louder I would break.

Inside I was shouting my denial. I couldn’t tell him anything. Yet, I wanted to. “I know.”

He continued to stare, as if trying to decide if I had spoken the truth, or if I had just agreed so he wouldn’t bring it up again. He nodded once, though I couldn’t tell what he decided. His eyes were blank.

“I love you, Yami.” My own words surprised me. Why had I said that? I wasn’t going to say it. Yet, I knew why I said it. I couldn’t stand those eyes emotionless. Those eyes looked more beautiful when showing happiness. Yami deserved happiness.

I don’t know why I thought Yami would be happy to know that I loved him. I was probably still delusional from all of the crying. My brain wasn’t working properly.

“I love you too, little brother.” Pain gripped my chest as I saw his eyes light back up to the color of sparkling rubies.

Little brother? I snorted. I should have known. I held back the new onslaught of tears at the words. My room. All I had to do was wait until I was in my room.

Looking down at the hand Yami extended to help me from the couch, I couldn’t help but wonder where the blood was. His hand was clean—deceptively clean. Where was the blood of my newly shattered heart?

-Owari-