An American Were-Ewe in Domino

Title: An American Were-Ewe in Domino
Author: Kleptomaniac Can Opener
Rating: R
Pairing: Implied Seto x Mokuba
Disclaimer: You think I would claim Yugi-Oh after writing this crap? XD You’re insane! No, they don’t belong to me at all!
Implements used: All 25!

A Barnyard Animal
Mucus
A Wheel (up to you what kind)
A box of Laser Weasels that have been delivered to the wrong address
Madonna's Pointy Bra
Thong Underwear
Corn Flakes
A Transvestite
Led Zeppelin
Red Socks
The State of West Virginia
A broken Mobile Phone
Something Yellow
Old Photograph
A Cucumber
A Bulls-Eye
Wet T-shirt
Harem
Random Murder
A Box of Sex Toys
Infamous Blue Screen of Death
Cosmetics (any kind)
Breast Implants
Poison Elves
Ice (in any form)

Summary: Yugi’s new pet causes trouble for the Kaiba brothers.

NOTES: This was for a bad fic contest! I lost big time! XD

~*~*~*~

“It’s a sheep.”
“Uh huh.”
“Why do you have a sheep?”

Jounouchi Katsuya stares at his diminutive friend Muto Yugi. Said friend is currently in the park with a sheep on a leash, wearing a huge smile on his face.

“I bought her online.”
“From where?”
“The state of West Virginia. Her name’s Lucy.”
Jounouchi nods slowly. “You bought a sheep, named Lucy, online from West Virginia? That’s in America, right?” That explains everything to the blond. Americans will sell anything to anyone. “Why is she wearing red socks?”
“Cause the letter that came with her said she likes them.” Yugi pulls a box from behind his back. “She came with a couple other things that she’s supposed to like too. Wanna see?”

Jounouchi knows he is going to regret this somehow. With a nod, he takes the box and opens it. Very calmly, he closes it again. “Yugi? Have you looked inside here yet?”
Yugi scratches the back of his spiky head. “Yeah. Isn’t it weird? Why would a sheep want to wear a pointy bra or thong underwear?”

Unknown to Yugi, it isn’t just any pointy bra, but a red replica of Madonna’s pointy bra. The pointy bra of all pointy bras, for it is very pointy. Like, +3 to melee pointy.

“Probably an American thing. Anyway, I called you out to see my new present from Honda!”
“A box of cornflakes?”
“No! He just put it in one!”
Yugi watches broken frosted chips of sweet goodness fall to the ground to be swiftly snatched away by dancing Squirrel Monkeys that were imported from the state of West Virginia last week. “I don’t think he bothered taking the cornflakes out.”
“Something about insulation.” Jounouchi pulls out a brand new and lightly sugarcoated laptop. “See? Wasn’t Honda sweet?”
Yugi licks the electronic notebook. “I don’t know about him, but the laptop is.”
Jounouchi licks it too. “Yummy goodness. Lets get this sugar baby booted up!”

However, as is the case with all Windows products, the moment Jounouchi tries doing anything once the machine is on he receives an error. Followed by another error.
And another.
And another.
And another.
And another.
And another.
And another.
And another.
And another.
And another.
And another.
And another.
Then...the infamous blue screen of DEATH! BWAHAHAHAHA!

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Yugi! We’ve been curseded!”
“Hurry! Three finger salute!”

So frantic are the two boys, neither notice what is happening just behind them.
By the light of the blue screen, Lucy begins to transform.

~*~

His mobile phone is broken.
Why?
Because Mokuba thought it would be good publicity to sponsor a wet t-shirt contest.
Why?
He really has no idea. And so, his phone is broken from his hand’s too loving embrace.

Seto’s taking away that boy’s Led Zeppelin CDs.

He packs his papers into his steel briefcase and leaves his office, his trench coat billowing in that dramatic flare way that only his trench coats can because he is Kaiba Seto, and Kaiba Seto is da man who ownz j00.

It is then at the doors that he hears such a clatter, and pauses a moment to wonder what is the matter. Dare someone get into a fight on the stair? Or did they slip on the banana peel that’s undoubtedly there?
Alas it is not what he had thought, but a strange cosplayer who slipped on ice that was brought. Though the banana peel certainly sits on her head, he wrinkles his nose at the mucus on her face instead.
She whips out a handkerchief as yellow as the peel, and proceeds to blow her stout nose with great zeal.

“Niisama!” comes the sudden shout. Seto blinks and quickly jerks about. His younger brother bounds forward like a train, glomping him tight that leaves his lungs strained. “When the phone disconnected, I got quite worried. I just wanted to say that I’m very sorry! At the time it sounded like a great fair. Especially when I heard Led Zeppelin will play there.”

Unbeknownst to the two boys as they chat, the cosplaying girl watches them like a cat. She stands with a click of two hoofed feet, and knocks the dirt off her wool, the pride of all sheep. She adjusts her red thong and straightens her pointy bra; then, because they’re pretty, she greets them with a great big, “BAAAAA!”

Mokuba jumps three feet in the air, and Seto even higher since his legs are stronger than most basketball players, as demonstrated by jumping onto moving airplanes. They stare at the queer girl, and then gasp in surprise. That isn’t a costume.

“What are you?” Mokuba asks, his voice full of disbelief.
“A Were-Ewe.”
“We’re right here, you blind fool,” snaps Seto. “WHAT are you?”
“I’m a Were-Ewe!”

There’s a stretch of silence in which a family of ducks decide to enter the Kaiba Corp. building, being led by a unicyclist on a bright yellow wooden wheel that he lovingly named Woody Allen.

As if the closing of the automatic doors is a silent cue, Lucy the Were-Ewe pounces the two boys, squealing. “You’re so pretty!”
Mokuba screams. “Getitoff!Getitoff!”
“Unhand us, you foul-”
“I’m not a fowl! I’m a ewe!”
Mokuba gets a desperate hold on the conical bra. “You’re gonna poke out my eyes with those things!”
“Gimme a kissy!” she squeals.

Both brothers struggle even harder against the power of her Death Glomp™.

“Guards! Get this thing off us or you’re fired!” At Seto’s call, guards rush out of the building and begin trying to pry the sheep girl off of their boss.
Once her grip is loose enough, the boys spring free! "Quick, niisama! To the Kaiba mobile!"

They jump into the black car that Mokuba had more or less illegally driven in his hurry to reach his brother. Seto jumps into the drivers seat and hits the gas. Looking out the rearview mirror, he sees the sheep girl somehow keeping up with them. "Mokuba, push the red button."
"But you told me to never push the red button."
"PUSH THE RED BUTTON."

Mokuba pushes the red button conveniently located on the safety break.
The car speaks in a surprisingly good imitation of Sean Connery. "Hyper jets on. Ludicrous Speed engaged."

After going through two ramen stands, a flower cart, and a gaggle of shoppers, the Kaiba brothers arrive at their mansion. Mokuba glares at Seto for the outrageous ride.
Seto puts his nose in the air and gets out with his dignity intact. "You drive a car going at Ludicrous Speed and see how well you steer."

~*~

Lucy bounds through downtown Domino, on the trail of her two new loves. However, she finds her way to them impeded by the huge gates and laser beams. She pouts. "There has to be a way in!" While looking around, she spots a delivery man with a big bullseye on his chest. The logo says he's from On Target Delivery. She grins and tackles him.

Several hours later, forensics will confirm he had been killed by a half eaten cucumber.

~*~

"Mokuba! What did I say about putting AI chips into your toys?" screeches Seto as he kicks the doll across the room.
"Aww, niisama, Lusiphur is just showing you how much he loves you."
"That elf just tried to kill me again! Take the chip out before I dismantle him!"

Ding-dong. Ding-dong.
A servant sees who is waiting outside the gates. "Kaiba-sama, a person from On Target Delivery has arrived."
"Did you order anything, Mokuba?"
"I don't think I did. Maybe it's from one of your supporters again?"
Seto's eye twitches as he remembers the last gift from a supporter, a bowl of sea monkeys from the state of West Virginia. "Have them scanned then send them in."

Seto answers the door himself after the delivery person passes the scanners. The delivery girl is short, so he can't see what she looks like beneath the brim of the hat. "Give it here." A box is shoved into his hands. "Laser Weasels? Mokuba, did you order Laser Weasels?"
"Nope! Why would I when I can make my own?"
Seto snorts and shoves the box back at the delivery girl. "Wrong address. Leave before I have you fired for your incompetence."
"That's okay, I don't work there!"
Seto screams like a girl when the disguised Lucy glomps him. Mokuba screams when he sees her as well.

Chaos breaks out as the two start running around to get away from her. A feat made harder by the fact that she's hanging onto Seto's trench coat, waving like a wooly banner behind him. "BAAAAA!"
"Mokuba! To the Kaiba mobile!" He ditches the coat and dashes out of the house with his brother.

This time they're off with Mokuba in the drivers seat. "I know where we can hide, niisama!" Fifteen minutes and a dead dog find them across town at the New Age Alternative Fair.

"A fair."
"Yup! The one we're sponsoring the wet t-shirt contest at."
"Why are we at this fair?"
"To hide in the crowd. Duh." Mokuba drags his brother to the fairgrounds by the hand.

With great enthusiasm, Mokuba brings Seto to the wet t-shirt contest where there's a big banner proclaiming they're being sponsored by 'Kaiba Corps. - Because we know more than just virtual games.'
Under said banner on a side stage is the band Led Zeppelin, playing one of their more popular tunes. The crowd gathered at their feet is screaming and dancing like drunk three-legged ponies. Amongst the crowd are people wearing white t-shirts that say they're proudly part of Joho's Co-ed Harem.

The announcer, a male transvestite wearing six-inch platforms and a mini-skirt ONLY, grabs the microphone after the last song and speaks with a totally fruity accent that would make Pegasus proud. "Hi, ev'body! Enjoyin' the show?"
"YEAH!"
"Well that's all good! Cause now our wet t-shirt contest is about to begin! Will all contestants please get onto the stage!" The announcer steps down then places a hand on his chests and gasps. "Bless my stars! Kaiba Seto and Kaiba Mokuba! What an honor to have you here! Oh, you must simply participate!"
"We will do no such thing." Seto deadpans.
"I will! I will!" Mokuba jumps up and down, waving a hand.
"Mokuba!" snaps his brother.
"Course you can, lil man! I'll let you announce the prizes!"

Mokuba gives Seto big puppy-dog eyes. "Pleeeease? I'm just announcing prizes! No wet t-shirt for me! You can do it with me, niisama!"
Seto knows he should refuse, this can't possibly be good publicity. But those eyes...the eyes of ultimate chibi doom +5. "Fine."

On the actual stage, Seto wishes he had his trench coat back on. The announcer, Joho the harem owner as he learned, is doing a good job of making him feel naked.
"Ooh, Kaiba-honey! You don't need no wet shirt, we can see all of you in that!"
Seto fights down a blush while Mokuba giggles. "Just bring up the prizes so I can get off this stage."
"Fast is nice, baby, but not so quick."

Mokuba tugs on Seto's hand. "What did that mean exactly, niisama?"
"I'll tell you when you're older."
"AWW!"

Fortunately for Seto, the prizes are finally brought out. Mokuba happily holds the first one up. "Third place winner gets a full set of Victoria's Secret makeup! It has gloss, foundation, lipstick, and a bunch of stuff I don't know what is but I bet you do!" Amongst the crowd's laughter, Mokuba pulls out a box labeled second place. "The second place winner gets...niisama, what is this stuff?"
Seto covers his eyes with one hand and shakes his head, this is not a talk he wants to have with his brother for at least another year. He takes the microphone. "Second place gets a box of 'bedroom equipment'."
A man in the crowd begins to shout. "Don't you mean a box of s-"
"And anyone who says what they are while Mokuba is present shall be sued!" Although his glare loses its usual impact because of how red his cheeks are, it seems the crowd still listens. Even if they are snickering. He quickly moves on to the next item. "First place winner gives a coupon for...breast implants like contestant three is sporting." He wonders just why a man would want breasts implants when it doesn't look like he's getting a sex change. "Or tickets to the next Meatloaf concert."
"Wow! Are you sure I can't enter, niisama?"
"You're not entering." It's Seto's turn to drag Mokuba off, the crowd laughing again.

Just as Seto thinks they're free of that bit of trouble, a certain freak comes back like a bad piece of sushi.
"BAAAAAAAAA! I've found you, my pretties!"
Led Zeppelin plays chase theme music for kicks as the three run around the park.

Lucy makes a flying leap and manages to tackle Seto! She gives him a big fat wet one! KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISS!
Seto freezes, completely mortified that his lips have been stolen by an it.
"GET OFF HIM, YOU HUSSIE! HE'S MINE!" Mokuba knocks her into orbit with a well placed frying pan made to look like a Blue Eyes Toon Dragon from his dimensional pocket. The red socks she had been wearing fall to the ground as Mokuba had literally knocked them off. "Are you okay, niisama? Is your chastity safe?"
Seto's only response is an eye twitch as his brain continues to process the horror that just happened.

Mokuba looks around a moment then pushes Seto into the Kaiba mobile where he proceeds to make his brother forget all about that awful sheep! It's a good thing the car is soundproof, otherwise everyone would know the car isn't rocking because of bass.
So much for waiting another year before having 'the talk'.

~*~

Lucy lands with a thump behind Jounouchi and Yugi, transforming once again to the light of the blue screen of death. Her clothes pop off in some magical way that the author can't describe and land right back in their box.

"Finally! It's working now!" shouts Jounouchi with his hands in the air as the blue screen disappears.
"Hey, what's this?" Yugi stands up and catches a picture that flutters down to them from the air. "Stop it, girl! This isn't for you to eat!"
"Baaa!"
"What is it, Yugi?"
"A picture. Hey, doesn't this look like Seto and Mokuba when they were younger?"
"Aww, look at moneybags! He's all cute!"
"Baaa! Baaa!" Lucy continues trying to retrieve the picture she found at the manor fair and square.

"We should probably return this to them."
Lucy perks up. "Baa! Baa!" She nods her head enthusiastically, not that Jounouchi or Yugi notice.
"No way! We should use it for blackmail!"
"That's not very nice, Jounouchi. Now come on." Yugi tugs on Lucy's leash. "Let's go, girl! We're going to visit a friend!"
"BAA!"