An Author's Downfall
folder
Yu-Gi-Oh › General
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
2
Views:
1,254
Reviews:
16
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Yu-Gi-Oh › General
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
2
Views:
1,254
Reviews:
16
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own YuGiOh!, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
An Author's Downfall
Yes, yet another of my MSTs. I think this is actually worse than Peasant Lemon’s shit.
The stuff in brackets is mine. I’d NEVER claim the rest.
Chapter [and I use this term loosely] 1. Death [is too good for this OC]
Lightnining striked throughout the sky.
[Wow, this fic doesn’t start out with a run-on sentence. The author decided to use two spelling errors in a row instead.
LIGHTNING cannot have ‘striked.’ Striked is not a real word. The past tense of ‘strike’ is ‘struck.’
Y’know, there is this WONDERFUL thing called a spellchecker. Use it. If you don’t have one installed on your computer for some bizarre reason, there are sites online that you can use. Dictionary.com is quite useful.
Another issue: “Lightning struck throughout the sky” does not make sense. You say lightning strikes when it hits something solid. Is the sky solid?]
Thunder rumbled and the rain began to pour.
[The author wrote choppy sentences throughout the fic.
People read and the MST bitch began to type.]
Friday, June 7, 2003 10:28pm
[Woo-hoo.]
A murderer was on the lose,
[Literal translation: A murderer was on the to fail to win.
Or: A murderer was on the to mislay.
Do either of these make sense? Maybe you meant ‘on the LOOSE.’]
his sixth victim,
[At this point, how do we KNOW it’s a man?]
Yugi Motou, laid dead on his kitchen floor.
[You need to learn the proper conjugation of the verb ‘lie’ as well. Here’s a hint: It’s NOT laid.]
Investigating the homicide,
[Okay, this is one of those places where you DON’T need a comma.
Homicide? I bet the poor kid did himself in to keep from getting involved in this fic.]
was Detective Yami and his partner Missy.
[Subject-verb disagreement. Yami and Missy are BOTH investigating, so the proper helping verb is ‘were.’
Or do you mean Yami is investigating and Missy is supposed to be doing something else?]
“No evidence, nothing. Damn it!” cursed Yami.
[No spell check, no grammar check. Fuck it! ]
“He’s so much younger than the others,” Missy thought,
[According to the key YOU put at the beginning of this chapter, text in quotations marks {“___”} is spoken dialogue, not thought.]
kneeling down beside the boy, brushing a blond lock of hair from his face.
[Merrily the text runs on….]
“He looks a lot like you Yami.”
[Ooh! Let’s have a guessing game! Try to guess where the bloody comma is supposed to be.]
“Yea,” sighed Yami. “I’m gonna get this guy no matter what!” Yami growled hitting the kitchen counter.
[Poor counter. What’d it ever do to him?
You want the readers to play ‘Pin the Comma on the Sentence,’ don’t you?]
“I’m beginning to think we’ll never find him,” Missy sighed.
[I’m beginning to think people aren’t taking English anymore.]
“We’ve dusted for prints and nothin’.
[You dusted for prints and then you dusted for nothing. I didn’t know they actively looked for nothing at crimes scenes. That explains why there are so many unsolved cases, though. They looked for nothing, found it, and they left it at that.]
We have no weapon.”
[And you have no writing skills.]
Officer Hiroto Honda came into the room.
[Just when we thought things couldn’t get any worse, here comes Monkey-Boy.]
“Their about to take the body out now,” Honda said.
[Hmmm…who are they and how can they own an ‘about to take the body out now?’ And why did Honda stop mid-sentence? I want to know more about this ‘about to take the body now now.’
Dew knot trussed yore spell chequer to fined awl yore mistakes.]
A big dog entered the kitchen.
[The reader entered a coma.]
“Hey Silver, did you find anything, boy,” Missy asked the half Wolf half German Shepherd.
[Hey, Bakurah. Did you ever learn about comma usage, girl?
I don’t care how much you like wolves. ‘Wolf’ is not a proper noun. Neither is shepherd, for that matter.]
Missy could speak telepatically
[I think she’s just telePATHETIC, personally.]
with Wolves, a gift she was born with.
[And here we discover that this person is not only an OC, but also a Mary Sue of the worst kind. She’s a self-insertion character who has been given a ‘special power’ because the author can’t stand the thought that she’d be NORMAL if she was portrayed realistically. Can you say ‘inferiority complex?’]
*No Master, Sorry.*
[Ouch. Someone missed during the last round of Pin the Comma on the Sentence.
Wouldn’t she be his Mistress? *blink* She’s not into bestiality, is she? Eww….]
“Its okay boy,” she scratched his head.
[Poor doggie. I bet he didn’t get any say in being included in this farce.]
Suddenly Silver’s ears twitched, the wolf dog jumped up onto the kitchen counter, howling and barking at a cabinet.
[Neither a wolf nor a half-breed would have that kind of reaction. He might point to the cabinet and growl, but he wouldn’t go berserk.
Pin the Comma on the Sentence is a really difficult game for you, isn’t it? And there’s not even a blindfold involved.]
“What is it boy?” Missy wondered.
[It’s a bad fic, that’s what.]
“Your Mutt’s gone crazy,” Honda said.
[Mutt is also not a proper noun. Unless Seto’s using it instead of Katsuya’s name.]
*Something’s in here!* Silver shouted. The half wolf pawed at the cabinet, growling.
[Really? And here I thought all that barking was for no reason.
Why would he shout? She can hear him just fine.
That's it? You're ending the chapter here? Boy, this is a decidedly non-suspenceful cliffhanger.]
The stuff in brackets is mine. I’d NEVER claim the rest.
Chapter [and I use this term loosely] 1. Death [is too good for this OC]
Lightnining striked throughout the sky.
[Wow, this fic doesn’t start out with a run-on sentence. The author decided to use two spelling errors in a row instead.
LIGHTNING cannot have ‘striked.’ Striked is not a real word. The past tense of ‘strike’ is ‘struck.’
Y’know, there is this WONDERFUL thing called a spellchecker. Use it. If you don’t have one installed on your computer for some bizarre reason, there are sites online that you can use. Dictionary.com is quite useful.
Another issue: “Lightning struck throughout the sky” does not make sense. You say lightning strikes when it hits something solid. Is the sky solid?]
Thunder rumbled and the rain began to pour.
[The author wrote choppy sentences throughout the fic.
People read and the MST bitch began to type.]
Friday, June 7, 2003 10:28pm
[Woo-hoo.]
A murderer was on the lose,
[Literal translation: A murderer was on the to fail to win.
Or: A murderer was on the to mislay.
Do either of these make sense? Maybe you meant ‘on the LOOSE.’]
his sixth victim,
[At this point, how do we KNOW it’s a man?]
Yugi Motou, laid dead on his kitchen floor.
[You need to learn the proper conjugation of the verb ‘lie’ as well. Here’s a hint: It’s NOT laid.]
Investigating the homicide,
[Okay, this is one of those places where you DON’T need a comma.
Homicide? I bet the poor kid did himself in to keep from getting involved in this fic.]
was Detective Yami and his partner Missy.
[Subject-verb disagreement. Yami and Missy are BOTH investigating, so the proper helping verb is ‘were.’
Or do you mean Yami is investigating and Missy is supposed to be doing something else?]
“No evidence, nothing. Damn it!” cursed Yami.
[No spell check, no grammar check. Fuck it! ]
“He’s so much younger than the others,” Missy thought,
[According to the key YOU put at the beginning of this chapter, text in quotations marks {“___”} is spoken dialogue, not thought.]
kneeling down beside the boy, brushing a blond lock of hair from his face.
[Merrily the text runs on….]
“He looks a lot like you Yami.”
[Ooh! Let’s have a guessing game! Try to guess where the bloody comma is supposed to be.]
“Yea,” sighed Yami. “I’m gonna get this guy no matter what!” Yami growled hitting the kitchen counter.
[Poor counter. What’d it ever do to him?
You want the readers to play ‘Pin the Comma on the Sentence,’ don’t you?]
“I’m beginning to think we’ll never find him,” Missy sighed.
[I’m beginning to think people aren’t taking English anymore.]
“We’ve dusted for prints and nothin’.
[You dusted for prints and then you dusted for nothing. I didn’t know they actively looked for nothing at crimes scenes. That explains why there are so many unsolved cases, though. They looked for nothing, found it, and they left it at that.]
We have no weapon.”
[And you have no writing skills.]
Officer Hiroto Honda came into the room.
[Just when we thought things couldn’t get any worse, here comes Monkey-Boy.]
“Their about to take the body out now,” Honda said.
[Hmmm…who are they and how can they own an ‘about to take the body out now?’ And why did Honda stop mid-sentence? I want to know more about this ‘about to take the body now now.’
Dew knot trussed yore spell chequer to fined awl yore mistakes.]
A big dog entered the kitchen.
[The reader entered a coma.]
“Hey Silver, did you find anything, boy,” Missy asked the half Wolf half German Shepherd.
[Hey, Bakurah. Did you ever learn about comma usage, girl?
I don’t care how much you like wolves. ‘Wolf’ is not a proper noun. Neither is shepherd, for that matter.]
Missy could speak telepatically
[I think she’s just telePATHETIC, personally.]
with Wolves, a gift she was born with.
[And here we discover that this person is not only an OC, but also a Mary Sue of the worst kind. She’s a self-insertion character who has been given a ‘special power’ because the author can’t stand the thought that she’d be NORMAL if she was portrayed realistically. Can you say ‘inferiority complex?’]
*No Master, Sorry.*
[Ouch. Someone missed during the last round of Pin the Comma on the Sentence.
Wouldn’t she be his Mistress? *blink* She’s not into bestiality, is she? Eww….]
“Its okay boy,” she scratched his head.
[Poor doggie. I bet he didn’t get any say in being included in this farce.]
Suddenly Silver’s ears twitched, the wolf dog jumped up onto the kitchen counter, howling and barking at a cabinet.
[Neither a wolf nor a half-breed would have that kind of reaction. He might point to the cabinet and growl, but he wouldn’t go berserk.
Pin the Comma on the Sentence is a really difficult game for you, isn’t it? And there’s not even a blindfold involved.]
“What is it boy?” Missy wondered.
[It’s a bad fic, that’s what.]
“Your Mutt’s gone crazy,” Honda said.
[Mutt is also not a proper noun. Unless Seto’s using it instead of Katsuya’s name.]
*Something’s in here!* Silver shouted. The half wolf pawed at the cabinet, growling.
[Really? And here I thought all that barking was for no reason.
Why would he shout? She can hear him just fine.
That's it? You're ending the chapter here? Boy, this is a decidedly non-suspenceful cliffhanger.]