The Last Saskatchewan Pirate!

A/N: For those of you who have heard this lovely song (which is composed by the Arrogant Worms), you may have a small idea of what is going to happen in this story. For those of you who haven’t, I shall provide you with the lyrics at the end of the tale. I thought of making this a songfic, but I decided that using the song as a plot basis and making it a humour tale would make the flow better. This is my entry for Chibizoo’s second Yugioh contest, so I hope everyone enjoys it!

I don’t own Yugioh, or the song by the Arrogant Worms. (This is the disclaimer)

Warnings: This story is rated ARR! Not just R, ARR! Insanity, heated yaoi (boy x boy relationships), inappropriate language and Canadian pirates have taken over this story. XD

Brief Summary: Malik travels over to Canada to visit his dear bedmate Bakura...who has ended up in the Regina penitentiary along with Ryou. The mystery of the white-haired boys’ imprisonment will be revealed by Bakura himself, through the cheap phone lines and the plexi-glass wall at the jail, no less. No, I’m not going to tell you what happens next. Read and find out.

'~*~' means scene change or story from notes separation.

'*****' means a time change from present to past or past to present. I'm too lazy to put the italics in for this one.

~*~

The Last Saskatchewan Pirate

Malik drummed his fingers idly against the shoulder rest on the fake leather seat. It was a rather boring flight. Actually, so were the other three that he painfully endured before this one. Since Air Canada had become so excruciatingly low-budget, there was barely anything for the native Egyptian to eat. Well, there were peanut packages wite wae warnings that proclaimed an important message for those deprived of intelligence: “This package may contain nut products.”, and shortbread cookies. Unfortunately for him, alcoholic beverages were not anywhere near cheap, so Malik decided not to bother with quenching his thirst.

He was rather tired, and contemplated falling asleep on the rather attractive man sitting beside him until he arrived at the Regina airport, but decided against it when the plane lurched upward at an alarming speed, then slammed down again.

“This is your captain speaking.” said a static-filled male voice from the intercom, because Air Canada rarely employed female pilots for some reason. “We appear to be in the middle of some turbulence, so please fasten your seat belts and place your tables in the locked upright position. We should be through this in about...five minutes.” The blaring static finally stopped, and Malik breathed a sigh of relief. He didn’t like loud noises unless he was completely plastered.

‘We’d better damn well get there soon.’ thought the violet-eyed youth, who was looking forward to getting some alcohol into his system. It was much easier these days, now that he was actually at the legal drinking age. ‘After that,’ he mused, ‘I’ll “rent” a car and figure out where the fuck Bakura and Ryou are being held.’ “Rent”, of course, meant hitchhiking and throwing the unsuspecting driver out the door when going around a sharp turn. Of course, Malik hadn’t remembered that there weren’t many turns in Saskatchewan...but there were many other ways to perform grand theft auto, and Malik happened to be an expert in just about all of them.

Suddenly the plane lurched forward, causing Malik’s cranium to bash into the seat in front of him. “Ow...” The Egyptian tried to shake off the dizziness that threatened to overcome him, but the constant rocking of the cabin fought against him all the way. “I’m going to shove that pilot’s testicles up his ass when we finally land!” The man sitting beside Malik became rather nervous then, and figured it would be best if he just tried to remain unnoticed.

The turbulence slowly tapered off to small bumps and jolts. Bored once again, Malik played with his hair, twisting the silky sand-coloured strands into rope looking designs. Out of the corner of his eye, Malik noticed that the man beside him was watching him warily. “See something you like?” Apparently the seductive side of Malik was something the man could not handle, so he inched his body as close to the window side as he possibly was able. Malik gave a huff of annoyance. There just weren’t enough good-looking gay men on his flights, or anywhere for that matter. They were either gay, or they were indescribably sexy. Not both...which was what Malik was used to, having been Bakura’s lover for quite some time before Ryou’s father made his son and his Yami move out to rural Saskatchewan.

Yes, Bakura was one of the rarities in the world of gay men. Not only was he a...no, THE sex God and a raging homosexual, he also was slightly psychotic and quite embellished with evilness - not just any evilness though, sensual evilness, the evilness that caused any man that slightly questioned his sexuality to quickly have much tighter pants than before. Needless to say, Malik wasn’t all that surprised that Bakura would end up in jail...he just didn’t expect the former tomb robber to get caught.

Ryou, however was a different story. As long as the lavender-eyed youth had known him, Ryou was a friendly, good-natured, shy boy with not the slightest inclination to do anything that would land him behind bars. In fact, Malik would often find him lecturing his darker half on anything he happened to do that was morally wrong. The only reason Malik did like him was because he was gorgeous, adorable, liked to be held...and that he graciously offered his home for Malik’s and Bakura’s ‘get wasted and screw’ sessions. Ryou also claimed he was straight...which both Bakura and Malik (plus the entire population of Domino City) considered a blatant lie.

The wheels of the aeroplane touched the ground, and the vehicle began to decelerate on the runway. ‘Took fucking long enough.’ Malik was growling now, both mentally and physically...the peanuts didn’t help his system all that much and he was rather hungry. He anxiously fidgeted against his seatbelt, rather impatient for the aircraft to come to a complete stop, particularly for revenge on the poor unsuspecting pilot in the cockpit. Malik snickered at the thought of the word cockpit. Yes, this Egyptian was quite the perverted one.

~*~

After a few hours of ruining people’s peaceful lives, the violet-eyed man was happily speeding across the highway in a stolen transport truck loaded with Macintosh apples. The previous owner of the vehicle was dozing heavily within two minutes of picking Malik up, so it only took a few gentle nudges and some broken birch tree branches to cover up Sleeping Ugly before high-tailing it. ‘Hey, maybe if I keep going faster, I’ll get an escort right over to that damn penitentiary. I should’ve asked one of those security guards chasing me in the airport...’ Malik had also made good on his threats towards the pilot, who was in quite a severe state of pain. The Egyptian couldn’t care less.

~*~

Apparently, Saskatchewan was low on their Royal Canadian Mountie supply, as Malik had to stop and ask for directions on how to get to the jail. This was odd for two reasons - you’d think you could spot a speeder for miles on the flat land, and men almost never stop and ask for directions. Then again, Malik was no ordinary man...and neither was the woman he asked directions from. She was a sidewalk tampon vendor. We...won’t touch on that. It raised many questions for the violet-eyed youth, that’s all you need to know.

The slightly neurotic and partially psychotic Egyptian finally found himself at the doors of the penitentiary. Possessing an air of dinginess didn’t even begin to describe the place in his mind. It was filthy, disgusting, rotten, you name it - he could see it and smell it. Malik nearly had a heart attack. ‘How the hell do people live here? You can see dirt practically growing into creatures in the lobby!’ Mind you, Malik was an obsessive-compulsive cleaner...so it really wasn’t all that bad; the janitors just needed to pick up their slack, was all.

Cringing as his manicured (yes, manicured) hands touched the plexiglass on the door, Malik pushed his way inside the building and walked up to the front desk. Sitting there, chewing bubblegum and twirling with his ebony hair was none other than Otogi Ryuuji. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

“Are you kidding me?” Otogi drawled, his emerald eyes rolling with emphasis. “There were next to zero jobs left in Japan, never mind Domino.”

“What about your crap-ass store?”

“Went under once Yugi’s Grandpa died and he took over the business.”

“What did that shrimp do that was so damn special?”

“Gave lap dances to customers.” Malik went silent for a moment.

“...Yugi?”

“...” Otogi was at a loss for words, and passed time by randomly opening files on the computer beside him.

“So you’re...” The Egyptian snickered. “...a secretary?” Otogi shot him a scathing look which was defeated in its entirety by his pink bubble gum.

“I am a financial assistant thank you very much.”

“Ooh, you’ve got a special name. You’re still a retarded non-important ditzy secretary.”

“Shut up!” Otogi threw a nearby letter opener at Malik, who dodged it effortlessly. The security guard opening the door never knew what hit him... “Oops...”

“Oh please. It was the blunt end.” scoffed Malik. “It would’ve been way cooler if it had been the other way...” Picturing the bloody scene in his head caused the violet-eyed youth to have stars in his eyes, and Otogi to become rather freaked out...

“So, why are you here?” Malik instantly snapped out of his trance of bloodlust.

“To see Bakura and Ryou.”

“They’re not allowed visitors.”

“If you don’t let me in to see them, I shall cut off your testicles and they will have a new home...down your throat.” threatened Malik in a quiet, dangerous voice.

“Gothroughthedoorsonyourleftandturnrightatthethirddoorway!” Otogi took a moment to breathe, then ran out of the room like a frightened rabbit in hunting season.

~*~

“Malik?” The aforementioned Egyptian stared...and stared...and stared...and drooled. There in all his glory, was Bakura, outfitted in a prison uniform that must have been three sizes too small. The garment was obviously used, as it was starting to become translucent. The white-haired tomb robber smirked - Malik was far too busy staring at his partially erect nipples (not to mention some other tasty body parts) to even utter a sound. He in turn was appraising the other’s chocolate skin and how there was so much exposed, and how Malik’s pants were suddenly becoming tighter around his sensuous hips and thighs (very smooth thighs, as Bakura’s hands recalled.) The red-eyed Yami wanted nothing more than to run over, tackle his ravishing lover to the ground and take him right then and there (in front of a security guard, no less). Unfortunately, the two were separated by a plexiglass window, with a cheap two-way telephone being their only communication device.

“You...” Malik started.

Bakura snorted. “Obviously. I am the sexiest creature on Earth save but one man.”

“I won’t argue with...” Something suddenly dawned on the lilac-eyed Egyptian that moment. Bakura had NEVER called anyone sexier than himself before. Sure, he had said Malik was hot, a great fuck, delicious, gorgeous as hell, but he never said Malik was sexier than himself. A wave of jealousy washed over Malik. How DARE he find someone sexier! “Who is this other man.” he all but growled.

“Ryou.” Now THAT was a shocker.

“WHAT?!”

“Goddammit Malik don’t yell into the fucking phone! I can hear you just fine!” Bakura sighed and a forlorn expression appeared on his chiselled features. “He’s actually been a bit of an obsession of mine ever since...well, I can’t remember exactly.”

“Whatever.”

“Jealous?”

“Fuck you.”

“Too bad you can’t come in here with me...” Bakura drawled, stretching like a cat in the small plastic chair, showing off his lean, toned body to Malik with a grin. The youth on the opposite side almost whimpered at the fact that he couldn’t get over to Bakura. Almost.

“Too bad you and your light are so heavily guarded. I had to persuade about five people to let me see you, and Ryou’s out of the question. What the hell did you two DO?”

“A story like this has to be told from the beginning.” Bakura swivelled in his chair, placing a slender finger on his chin in thought while openly starting at Malik’s chest. “I think that shirt should come off.”

A shake of the head. “You first.”

A smirk. Slowly, teasingly, Bakura removed the uniform top, exposing a perfectly sculpted alabaster chest, accented with a fine sheen from a small layer of sweat that pooled around the crevasses. Malik’s eyes went twice their normal size; his breathing became laboured. ‘You like?’ the spirit mouthed, to which the chocolate youth nodded his head in appreciation. Then, speech. “Your turn.”

Malik flung of his shirt rather hurriedly, getting hotter with each second passing by that he stared at the evil Adonis across from him. The plexiglass barrier was REALLY putting a damper on his mood. Slender shoulders and equally sleek dark arms drew attention to the toned chest that was currently starting to heave from excitement. “All right, tell the story.”

“It all started when Ryou’s father brought us out to Canada...” Bakura glanced at Malik, motioning with his head.

“...what are you doing?”

“Hello, earth to Malik! This is where you make flashback noises!” Malik stared at Bakura.

“Doo dee doo.” The absolute deadpan made the security guard chuckle until the visitor glared at him most viciously.

****************

Bakura sat in a chair. It was a good chair, as far as Canadian chairs go...which isn’t saying all that much. “Dammit Ryou, couldn’t your father ship some of the chairs from home? I mean, come on, this thing is going to fall apart in two days!”

Ryou sighed softly in that ever-so-cute way that was unique to him and continued to fry up breakfast. “He wanted the money from what we didn’t essentially need to go to needy children.”

“Fuck the needy children.”

“Bakura!!”

“What?” Ryou glared at the fiend with narrowed eyes. “That’s pitiful. As is this whole shitty country.”

“Stop swearing!”

“Why? Your father’s not around, he doesn’t do anything to me anyhow...or are you ashamed of your not-so-virgin ears?”

Another sigh, a flip of the egg. “I don’t play childish games like that anymore. Besides, when did you become such a furniture expert?”

“Since my ass hurts like hell.”

“Tch. That’s normal for you.”

“Exactly, I can’t even get laid here! We’re a million miles away from civilization!” Bakura screamed.

“We are not.”

“We are so.” Bakura slung Ryou over his shoulder and carried him out into the front yard before the white-haired youth had any protests. He set him down and pointed across the vast expanse of wheat...wheat...prairies...fields...grass...and more wheat to a VERY small building that looked as big as a fly. “See that?”

“Of course, that’s the corner store.”

“Exactly - it took us five fucking days to drive there! THERE IS NOTHING ELSE IN SIGHT!!” Ryou slapped the former tomb robber square on the jaw.

“Christ, I know that Bakura but we can’t do a damn thing about it! It’s what my Dad wanted...and I barely got to spend time with him the last four years. I could have stayed behind...with everyone I knew...”

“You picked a damn lovely time to have regrets.”

“Shut up. Oh!” Ryou ran back inside to save his eggs, which had probably not cooked all that much anyhow. Bakura’s eyes trailed to his light’s pert rear as he ran through the door, his shimmering white hair dancing in the breeze...

‘No, no, no. I don’t want him. I DO NOT want him.’ Bakura shook his head to try and reinforce his mantra, and had almost stepped inside just as a train roared by behind the house. “I didn’t know there was a railroad in Canada...” he mused.

“That there’s the CP line.” said Ryou’s father, who had appeared without the fiend’s noticing, seemingly from nowhere. He had a dreamy look to his eyes, and Bakura stepped away from the man.

“What the hell?”

“Canadian Pacific Railway. I remember my grandfather telling me...Bakura?” A puzzled Mr. Bakura couldn’t for the life of him figure out how the spirit with his last name constantly managed to disappear into thin air. ‘Oh well. I can’t be liked by everyone. Ryou’s going to jump for joy when he hears how much farming we’ll get to do together...’

***********

“He was actually thinking that.” Malik couldn’t believe THAT part of the tale, or that Ryou was swearing a little himself. Granted, it would probably be rather adorable, Ryou had a tendency to make everything worthy of an ‘Awwww’ from someone.

“From the way he told us later on, you’d think he’d been in an orgy or something.”

“Ewwwww...”

“Well don’t picture it you idiot!” Bakura cackled insanely at that while Malik battled with rather disturbing images of Ryou’s father nude. He had seen the man...and he was old and none too pretty.

“Ugh. Anyways...so that was when you started liking Ryou.”

“No. There was no like. Only lust.”

“Right. Keep telling yourself that.” Malik taunted. Bakura gave a low growl that was meant to be threatening but came out more like a sexually frustrated low growl.

“Anyways...”

“Oh right,” Malik drawled facetiously, “your all important story.”

“You’re the one who wanted to know what happened.”

“Okay, sure...but I’d rather be having sex.”

“Wow, me too. You know they say great minds think alike. I guess they were wrong about you though...”

“I have a greater mind then you.” An exasperated huff from the amethyst-eyed Egyptian.

“Yeah, but you’re the uke.”

“Not always!” he shot back indignantly. Bakura just chuckled at that.

“You’re always uke when I’m sober.” Malik’s mouth hung wide open, much like a fish’s mouth would. He opened and closed it a few times, just waiting for that perfect comeback to pop into his head. However, such wasn’t the case. “Why don’t you put that mouth to better use?” Bakura whispered into the phone. The rather audible sound of leather being stretched to the point of almost breaking echoed throughout the room. Malik, horny as a bitch in heat, hung his head in sadness as he replied.

“Plexiglass.”

Bakura screamed and roared in the room opposite his chocolate-skinned lover, pounding on the glass and swearing to England and back. “Fucking mother of Christ on a bicycle!”

“I-isn’t it J-j-jesus Chri-i-ist on a bicyc-c-cle?” stammered the security guard watching over the two.

“YOU THINK I GIVE A FUCK WHO IT IS ON THE BLOODY BICYCLE??!! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BEFORE I...what the hell are you laughing at?” The former tomb robber glared daggers (through the unbreakable plexiglass) at Malik who was rolling on the floor baying like a hyena. The security guard was gone, so gone, in fact, that he was jetting off to Hawaii.

“Heeeheeeheehee...you...you...” Malik broke into more fits of cackling, beating his hands to the floor as he did so.

“I what.”

“You sound like Ryou...” The witch-like cackling continued. “He’s the only person I’ve ever heard say ‘bloody’...you really do like him!!”

“If I were on that side with you...”

“I’d jump you and we’d have hot, sweaty, violent jail sex.”

“And you’d be uke.”

“...shut up.”

“You love it.”

“So what happened next after you guys found out you were starting a wheat farm?”

“Well...” Bakura picked up the phone and stroked his leg, earning him a few feeble whimpers out of Malik on the other end. “We farmed, we kept farming, we earned a living fine, with all those home grown breads and carrots and all, but Ryou was really starting to change...”

Silence.

“MY FLASHBACK MUSIC...”

A growl. “Go fuck yourself.”

Bakura smirked, moving his hand in order to open his fly. “You know you want to see it.” Malik’s lavender eyes widened considerably in anticipation, then lowered in sadness when Bakura simply leaned back in his chair and continued his story.

**********************

Drip.

Drip.

Drip.

“Jesus Christ! How long has that tap been leaking? When the hell is it going to get fixed?” Ryou plopped down in a not-too-comfortable chair and sighed, covering his ears in a feeble attempt to block out the maddening noise of the kitchen sink. The poor boy had dark circles under his eyes from waking up early to feed the chickens, milk the cows and so on and so forth. His normally shining bright eyes were a dull, paltry smidgen of what they once had been, and his hair was matted - there was no time to brush it with all the chores that had to be done. You see, Ryou’s father had an epiphany of sorts (much like the state he was in when he decided to drag the white-haired bishies to Saskatchewan) and decided to take a vacation to Chicago, just for the hell of it, leaving Ryou and Bakura to take care of the farm. About a year had passed since his departure...and Ryou wasn’t even sure if his father would return.

“Dammit, I want to go home...” Ryou sighed, tears welling up in his eyes as he scuffed his feet tiredly along the floor. “There’s nothing to do, no one to see, I’ve read all my books, I-”

“Are you talking to yourself again?” In strode Bakura, clad in only a towel around his perfectly toned waist, with water dripping down his chest, thighs and calves...onto the floor.

“BAKURA!! For fuck’s sake, dry yourself off! I’ve had enough of that dripping noise for one day!” Ryou stormed, or rather, tried to storm past Bakura only to be stopped in his tracks. “What.” he spat, glaring at his dark half square in the eye. The two spent minutes staring into each other’s eyes, when Bakura suddenly wiped a tear from his light’s cheek. The worry-stricken boy broke down then, grasping onto Bakura for dear life and sobbing into his neck. The rather astonished (and quickly horny) Yami was at a loss for what to do, although there was this little voice at the back of his mind...

‘Fuck him! Fuck him like you’ve fucked no one else! Like you’ll never fuck anyone else again!’

The little voice made Bakura’s towel very tight, and the fiend was just about to throw his light on the table and make him scream in pleasure when the doorbell rang. There, on the doorstep, was the IRS.

“Are one of you Mr. Bakura?” the geeky looking agent sneered.

“Weevil? What the hell?” Bakura was confused. Wasn’t this guy from some island all on his own? Maybe Canadians just didn’t have all of their marbles. Ryou was still sobbing, beating his fists against his dark half’s chest.

“I’m here to tell you both that you’ve been evicted. The bills haven’t been paid, and we’re taking all your land.”

“WHAT?!”screamed Ryou.

“As my mother would say, fair IS fair.”

**************************

“...and that’s when Ryou took a spatula and began beating Weevil to death.” Bakura smiled at the memory. The little bastard begging for his life, the blood, the evil laughter from Ryou... . Malik was more or less confused. Sure, Weevil was a creep, but for Ryou to beat him up with a spatula?

“So, was there blood?”

“Hell yeah.”

“Was Ryou angry?”

“At first, but then he got this demonic laugh to him, and he laughed so hard that he started coughing and gasping for air. Weevil got away in his truck.” Bakura frowned, running a hand through his hair. “Good God, I’m turning into Otogi.”

“Ryou...demonic laugh?” Bakura nodded. Malik raised his eyebrows. “Ryou...demonic laugh??!” Bakura nodded again. “That IS weird, especially for him.”

“That was nothing compared to what happened next.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“You know something Bakura?”

“I know everything.” he smirked, spreading his legs slightly.

“Okay, if you’re so smart, how come you didn’t notice that open door over there?” Bakura gave his sex partner a questioning look, then glanced to the left and saw an open door made of birch wood (because Canada’s too cheap for metal!) that led right into where Malik was sitting.

With a flurry of speed and hormones, Bakura barrelled through the door and pounced on his Egyptian visitor, grinding his own arousal into the other’s while dragging him off the chair onto the floor. Hands fisted in the masses of perfectly conditioned sand-toned hair, Bakura plundered Malik’s mouth ruthlessly, earning him choked moans from his slightly leaner lover. Malik’s hands splayed over the fiend’s back, clenching shoulder blades tightly as Bakura’s mouth wandered across the Egyptian’s chest. The nipping and sucking brought forth headier, louder noises from Malik than even the grunting inmates working out in the prison gym trying to show off how strong they were. Mind you, Malik’s voice was a good bit higher in pitch...

“Aah! Oh fuck, Bakuuuraaaaaa...” The aforementioned tomb robber took the bead within his mouth oh-so-delicately and was about to give a forceful bite when...

“Hold on, I’m having a flashback.” mumbled the almost-albino man into Malik’s left nipple.

“Oh no no no no no. You don’t lead me on like that and have a goddamn flashback in the middle of pre-sex.”

“It’s called foreplay, and I’m seme, so I’ll decide what happens.” Malik’s mouth gaped open and snapped shut quickly. Growling in anger, he threw Bakura off him, adjusted his clothing and shoved him back into the other room, slamming the door as he did so. His amethyst eyes slanted in rage, Malik picked up the phone and snarled into the receiver, wincing as he sat back down into the chair. Hard-ons in leather were not an easy thing to deal with.

“Fine. What happened next.”

“Well the house and the property was gone, but we DID have one car...”

****************

“Bakura, do I turn left or right at this intersection?” Ryou was a little panicky, as the wrong turn could lead him all the way to British Columbia if he wasn’t careful.

“How the fuck should I know? This thing doesn’t make sense.” muttered the tomb robber as he peered at the upside-down map diagonally. Ryou smacked his hand to his forehead and sighed in frustration.

“We need to get to Saskatoon so we can apply for a job.”

“...we?”

Ryou practically hissed his words in frustration. ay, ay, we need to get to Saskatoon so I can apply for a job because your lazy ass won’t do shit! Now tell me where the fuck I have to turn, dammit!”

“Left.” Ryou put on his left blinker while advancing. “No...I think right.” The peeved youth sighed, dug his nails into the steering wheel and flipped the blinker to the right. “What direction is it when the line goes diagonal and downwards to this side anyways?” mused Bakura, slightly waving both his left and right hands.

“AAAAARRRRGH!!!”

~*~

“So is there a chance I could get a job here?” At Ryou’s simple question, the sales clerk at Home Depot laughed her head off, slapping her knee and giving a great hick-type ‘HOO-HAW!’. Needless to say, the brown-eyed youth was none too impressed.

“You...you honestly think...” she snickered and snorted, “...that we’d hire you? Haha! We just laid off twenty workers yesterday...” The lady (if you could call her that) went back to her brash, redneck laughter that echoed throughout the store as Ryou solemnly trudged out the door, despair eviden his his slouched, effeminate features. He was almost sure he heard a male contractor whistle at him, but figured it to be a trick of his mind. Nobody ever liked him...

Opening the door, Ryou came face to face with a rather shocking sight. Bakura was sleeping, and looking...cute. ‘He almost looks adorable...except for the drool that’s dribbliown own the side of his chin, that’s just...eww. Still, I almost hate to wake him...almost.’ “BAKURA!!!”

“Mrfzsh?” Bakura gave a languish stretch, exposing his washboard stomach to the downcast boy standing above him. Said boy blushed and turned away, not wanting to give the impression that his Yami was turning him on. “This is what, the ninth place we’ve been to now? Did they even take your resume this time?”

“No...”

“You’re not going to break down again, are you? Because I don’t want my last shirt tear-stained.”

Ryou ignored that comment.“I can’t believe how many places are laying off people...I’ll never get work...”

“There’s always welfare, cheapass as it is.” marked Bakura, standing up and stretching out his limbs.

“Dammit, we’re not going to live like homeless bums on the street! I do have some pride...I want to go back to Japan...” Saline appeared in Ryou’s eyes, and Bakura snorted and was about to cover his ears to block out the sobbing, when he heard a low cackle.

“Um...Ryou?”

“You know what? Who gives a damn if all the jobs are gone?”

“...you, the absolute pansy?”

“Nope! Guess what I’m gonna do, c’mon, guess!” Bakura’s face filled with dread - Ryou NEVER used words such as ‘c’mon’ or asked his Yami to ‘guess what he was gonna do’. Ryou had impeccable grammar at all times and this was a rather shocking turnaround. Surely the white-haired teen had gone mad, even more mad than Bakura himself. The thought made Bakura appalled at first...then curious...and then horny. Same old, same old.

“I have no idea...” the Yami murmured, eyes roving in a rather perverted way over the demonically smiling Ryou, who was completely oblivious to the entire thing.

“I’m gonna be a pirate!”

“...what?” This was most definitely not the answer Bakura was expecting. He was hoping for rabid sex, and he was expecting...a possible chance to seduce Ryou into rabid sex. Buccaneering, however, wasn’t something that ever appeared in the fiend’s mind...although it was essentially the same thing as all the other crimes of theft he had performed. Sex was, by far, more important though.

“On the river Saskatchewan!!” Ryou pumped a fist in the air and jumped a good couple of centimetres, his eyes light up with manic glee.

“You can’t be fucking serious.” Bakura glared at his lighter half, who was rubbing his hands together alottlotting evil plots, paying his Yami no mind whatsoever. ‘Great. Just when I thought he was feeling pathetic enough to forget about the whole chastity until marriage thing, he goes psychotic.’

******************

Malik cocked his head to the side and relaxed in his chair, giving Bakura the tasty view of wide open leather-clad thighs. “So by that point you admitted to yourself you wanted Ryou.”

“Of course, you think it would take me longer than that to figure oe’s e’s a sex kitten?”

Malik pondered this, then pondered it some more, then remembered that one fateful day when Ryou answered the door in only a pair of jeans... “Yeah, it wouldn’t take you very long.”

“Why the hell are you drooling?”

“Fuck you.”

“You know you want it. Why don’t you come on over here and...” Bakura placed a creamy white hand on his own crotch for emphasis. “...convince yourself of it.” Of course, after THAT little show Malik raced towards the door, ready to attempt being seme (and ready to relinquish it in later moments as well)...only to find it locked.

“FUCK!!”

“Don’t tell me it’s locked.”

“It’s fucking locked!”

“I told you not to tell me you camel turd!”

“Camel turd, that’s the best you can come up with bitch?”

“Hell, you’re the bitch, bitch.” spat Bakura, rather vexed that any opportunity he had to fuck the Egyptian senseless had been squandered by none other than...that same Egyptian. “You’re the one who fucking closed the damn door; it wouldn’t have locked otherwise.”

“But...you...and...it...arr!”

“Don’t say arr.”

“Why not?”

“It’s part of the story...”

“Do you want flashback music again?”

“No, I think we’re good. Other than the fact that YOU made it impossible for us to screw.”

“Piss off.”

**********************

“Listen up, crew! You have been selected and evaluated on the strictest terms possible. You are a team, but you will backstab any of your crew members if it means making me...er...I mean, ourselves richer. We will rise above the rest, we will be millionaires, and what’s most important, we will be the best damn pirates in Canada!”

“ARR!!” went the crew of the Jolly Roger, waving their utensils and other cheap Canadian-like ‘weapons’ in the air, praising their most vile (and drop-dead-gorgeous) captain, who roared a similar ‘ARR!!’ in response to his crew. It had been only two weeks, and Ryou Bakura had gathered together fifty of the best pirates in Canada...which isn’t saying much, but hey, you do what you can in the prairies. This was all done with help from his first mate, Bakura, who pulled Ryou inside to talk about their future plans...of screwing. Ryou didn’t know about these plans...but he would very soon.

“I was thinking about this whole first mate thing...” ventured the raider, circling around Ryou like he was an antelope to be caught and slaughtered.

“You thought? Bravo, that’s wonderful. Run out and tell the crew to set sail, would you?”

Bakura poked his head out of the spacious captain’s cabin. “Cast off and put your damn backs into it!” He was rewarded with a large “ARR!!” from the crew, who promptly unfurled the sails, pulled up the anchor and turned on the small motor at the back of the Jolly Roger to get him off. Not in that way, it’s a ship you perverted readers you! Anyhow, Bakura went back into the room to find Ryou poring over a map of Saskatchewan’s waterways.

“Good, you’re back. We’re going to make our way to Moose Jaw and raid farmers on the way. Now, what were you saying about the whole first mate thing? I know you wanted to be captain, but let’s face it...you’re just too greedy to run this thing smoothly.”

“Yeah, because having five billion tons of straw is my ultimate goal for a heist...” Bakura was oozing sarcasm, mostly because he was miffed - miffed that he hadn’t had any sex in a long, LONG time. “Oh, and to answer your question...” Ryou quickly found himself pinned by his deviously clever dark half onto the table. “Instead of first mate, I should be your only mate.” he said with a smirk, undressing Ryou with his eyes.

“That’s not a buccaneering term, Bakura.”

‘How can he be so fucking clueless??!! He must have really twisted something up there in his brain...most of it’s fucking hot but this is just damn annoying.’ Bakura leaned closer to Ryou, so close that he was lying on top of him with his lips a millimetre away from the Hikari’s. “It isn’t meant to be.”

“Neither are we.” Ryou flipped himself and Bakura over so their positions were reversed, then jumped off. “There’s fifty people on board this ship besides me Bakura, I’m sure ONE of them will sleep with you.” He gave an annoyed sigh and walked out of the room, barking orders to his crew as soon as he opened the door. “HARD TO STARBOARD!! WE’RE GOING TO RAM THAT CARGO BOAT LIKE THERE’S NO TOMORROW!! IF THEY DON’T KNOW I’M A-COMIN’ THEN THEY’LL PAY WITH THEIR FARMING GOODS! AHAHAHAHA!”

‘So he’s not that dense...he’s just still in chaste mode. Fucking hell.’ Bakura ground his teeth in anger, then was thrown against the walls as the Jolly Roger lurched to starboard...

***********************

“So how did that end up?”

“Well we rammed the ship and sank it, and we stole their fertilizer.” stated the former tomb robber matter-of-factly.

“And after that?”

“Well we reached Moose Jaw, and Ryou had this amazingly brilliant plan that actually worked.”

“Fill me in then.”

“Well we hid the Jolly Roger and waited for ships to pass under the bridge that was over the river. You could literally see the fear just dripping off those farmer’s faces.”

“Real fear? Like ‘oh shit I’m gonna die’ fear?” Malik’s lavender eyes lit up at the lovely sadistic thoughts.

“...more like ‘I’m going to get the ultimate mugging’ fear, but it was still pretty damn decent fear.” Bakura smiled, remembering it all.

“So what did you take?”

“Everything of course...most of it was useless, but we still took everything. Knocked ‘em cold and sailed off with their hay. There was this granola scented lubricant that we found on one ship-”

“Hold up...granola scented lube?”

“I swear to Ra it was the strangest fucking thing I had ever seen. Smelled just like granola too. I didn’t get to test it out because Ryou gave it to one of the bastard rowers. Just because people call him ‘Tractor Jack’ he thinks he doesn’t have to hand over any lube that’s found to someone who OBVIOUSLY needs it.”

“That sucks. Would’ve been fun to use.”

“Yeah...if you hadn’t LOCKED THE DOOR you shithead!” Bakura growled, his sexual frustration getting the best of him. Then, in the anger and tension surrounding the two Egyptians, a beautiful, racy, scandalous idea formed.

“Jesus, you could at least try to let me make it up to you.”

“Oh? How. I’m so horny I could fuck a horse.” Malik made a disgusted face at that comment.

“Wouldn’t you rather have phone sex?” whispered Malik sultrily into the receiver, toying with his pert, dark chocolate nipples. He gasped softly, rubbing himself and shutting his eyes in his self-induced bliss, cracking one eye open to judge Bakura’s reaction. The platinum haired fiend was panting slightly, his eyes glued on the delicious sight before him. It wasn’t long before he got into the game properly.

“For once you have a good idea. Now...” Bakura smirked. “...take off your pants, bitch.” Malik, who was at all times VERY turned on at whatever Bakura decided to do, shed his leathers rather quickly. “No underwear...good. Lie on your back.”

“Dammit you bastard I want to be fucked hard...”

“Oh but I am fucking you, I’m pushing into you right now, hard and fast; it’s so good it hurts.” Malik immediately started to touch himself, barely able to keep his eyes focussed on his sexy lover on the other side of the plexiglass. Feelings close to euphoria began washing over the man, bringing forth a loud moan of exhilaration. “Come for me baby, give it all up.” Within about forty-five seconds Malik was splayed out on the floor, having screamed himself hoarse and making quite a mess in the process. Bakura at the same time had gotten himself off, and was slightly dazed and unfocussed as he sat in his chair. Both were naked, sweaty and rather satisfied, with a shimmery post-sex glaze pasted on their eyes.

“Woah...” murmured Malik, still trying to catch his breath from the intense supportive masturbation process.

“Yeah...I need to get a drink.” Bakura groggily got up, stumbled to the door separating rooms and opened it with ease. “Shit, I never knew it opened up on this side...”

“I think I might kill you.” Bakura ignored Malik’s threat and chose to lay down beside him. “I really might kill you.”

“Yeah, but you’re too damn lazy to get off your ass and move two inches.”

“...shut up.” Malik rolled over onto his side and draped an arm lazily over Bakura. “The world wouldn’t be fun without a good fuck buddy anyways.” The Egyptian snuggled his nude form into Bakura’s, making their bodies look like chocolate ripple ice cream...with human flavour. “So did you ever ending up screwing Ryou?”

“Mmhmm...but that wasn’t until after Mountie Bob became Salty Bob.”

“...what the hell?”

“Let me explain you dipshit! Anyways...”

******************

“Cap’n!” Ryou swivelled his head towards one of his many lackeys, his platinum hair glistening in the gentle sea breeze. His lips slightly pursed, his right hand on his hip and his slightly rosy cheeks all added up to make the teen the most attractive creature in the universe...well, on the ship, anyhow.

“What is it now?” Ryou sighed gently, and the pirate was fighting the primal urge to jump his captain and screw him soundly on the wooden deck. Suppressing the lust he felt inside, the pirate (who had actually been very heterosexual before this particular job) pointed out at the shoreline.

“It’s a Mountie.”

“...” Ryou was speechless. There, atop a sienna coloured steed that rode like the wind, was Katsuya Jounouchi in a red Mountie uniform, complete with the funny black hat. He looked absolutely ridiculous.

“In the name of the law, you are under arrest!” Katsuya cried, becoming rather puzzled when Tractor Jack stepped closer and revealed his true identity. “Ryou?!”

“That’s Captain Ryou to you, Mountie Bob.”

“My name’s Katsuya.”

“No, it’s Mountie Bob.”

“But-”

“I said it was Mountie Bob!” Ryou’s half growl half shout silenced the poor blonde who was still clueless to what had happened to his shy, innocent friend to make him so evil...so very evil and so very good-looking. “Now, Mountie Bob, if you think you can just expect all of us to hand over our hard earned grain, you can think again! You want us in prison, you catch us!”

“How?”

“Ever heard of a boat?”

“Don’t got one.”

Ryou smacked a hand to his forehead. Had Katsuya become insanely stupid, or had he just not noticed it before? Running a hand through his snowy locks, Ryou leaned against the banister and gazed over at Katsuya...erm...Mountie Bob, who suddenly found his nose to be bleeding. “Have fun chasing us on the shoreline. FULL SPEED AHEAD!!”

“Full speed ahead, get the damn sails out!” shouted Bakura, who dissolved into short barks of laughter at the sight of Katsuya.

“He’s controlling your mind, isn’t he Ryou!”

However, Ryou did not answer the Mountie’s shouts as the Jolly Roger unfurled his black sails and pressed onwards to do more damage.

~*~

“What do you mean I’m fired?”

“Let me put it this way - we can’t afford to keep you all, so it only make sense to cut the incompetent idiots first.” Pegasus Crawford smirked. Although the government DID make a substantial...no, HUGE cutback on his legion of Royal Canadian Mounted Police, the silver-haired man (and we’ll lose the term man LOOSELY ladies and gents) thrived on making people’s lives miserable - particularly Katsuya’s. After all, he was a friend of Yugi, and a friend of Yugi was bear bait. That stupid midget dared to refuse him when he, the creator of duel monsters, wanted a strip tease. That was inexcusable.

Katsuya growled in frustration and slammed the door to his former employer’s office, now jobless and hopeless. Once he finally got out of the building, an idea occurred to him. ‘Maybe I could join up with Ryou’s crew...’

***************

“Did he?” Malik lazily trailed a hand over Bakura’s creamy abdomen, biting back the moan that threatened to escape when the Yami nibbled on his ear in return.

“Yeah, and then Ryou called him Salty Bob. Drove him right fucking nuts.” Bakura smirked at the memory, recalling how Katsuya would swear up and down and carry on in the futile hope that Ryou would call him by his proper name. No such luck befelled the honey-eyed lad, much to the amusement of Ryou’s Yami.

“Mmm...Ryou sounds a lot sexier than he used to be.”

“He certainly was...I haven’t really seen him in a while.” Bakura teased the Egyptian’s neck with rose-tinted tongue, driving the other to curl up closer and make demented little smurf-like noises. “You’re fucking crazy.”

“You love it. Why can’t I see Ryou?”

“The shrinks say he’s lost it completely. No one can see him.”

“Poor guy.” A silence. “You DID screw him though, right? How did it happen? Was there a stormy night at sea and Ryou heard God calling to him? Did he run out and get tossed over the side, even though he wasn’t a stowaway?”

“...that’s the story of Jonah. When the hell did you start reading the bible?”

“How could I not? Do you know how much violence and death and sex there is in that book? It’s better than the french channel after eight p.m.!” Bakura promptly smacked Malik hard on the behind.

“Ow! Why the hell did you slap my ass?”

“Because NOTHING is better than the french channel after eight pm, you moron! Now, what happened with my light was this...”

******************

It was, actually, a dark and stormy night, but Ryou didn’t hear God calling to him. He had just gone into extreme self-conscious panic attack mode. He was absolutely sure that the crew hated him, and that they were currently plotting his demise. The fact that there were many, many sharp swords and various other weapons on board didn’t serve to ease his anxiety. Scared and needing some emotional support, the snowy-haired teen crept into Bakura’s quarters. He would have gone to Katsuya first, but he wisely figured that the blond would either be asleep or still be sore about the whole ‘Salty Bob’ thing.

He hadn’t taken more than five steps inside the cabin when Ryou noticed that Bakura was sound asleep. ‘Oh, bloody hell...’ The light padded over to the bed and gently shook his Yami. “Bakura...”

“Mmmurgh?” Bakura blearily opened his eyes to see Ryou leaning over him, looking as if the world was about to end. “What is it?”

Ryou sighed, then turned his eyes to the bedspread, blushing heavily. “Um...I was wondering if I could bunk with you for the night...I don’t feel very safe anywhere else...” Bakura was doing a victory dance inside his head. Sex was most certainly his, provided the right coaxing was used.

“Whatever.” Bakura opened up the down comforter and settled into the mattress. Ryou, dismissive of his dark half’s apathy (because he wasn’t stupid and knew Bakura was dying to have a shot at screwing him) curled under the comforter and snuggled in close to the fiend, his light breath falling across Bakura’s collarbone. The Yami carefully shifted the two of them so their lips were merely a fraction apart.

“Bakura...” Ryou’s voice screamed a plea for companionship in the softest of tones, his eyes shining with a desperate need. Bakura instantly melded his lips to the other’s, running his calloused hands down his light’s satiny backside. The Yami slowly snaked his way past Ryou’s pearly white teeth into the sensuous cavern of his light, then danced along Ryou’s tongue with his own. The leaner boy trailed his hands over the toned curves and muscles along Bakura’s body, smiling into the french kiss as the other pulled him tighter to his frame.

A loud crackle of lightning and an even louder boom of thunder sounded throughout the ship, causing Ryou to burrow into his Yami and cling onto him madly. The latter sucked in a deep breath as his arousal met with another like it. A soft moan spilled from Ryou’s lips, and pale hips clothed in comfy cotton nudged forward, the owner eager to feel more of the pleasure presented to him. Bakura flipped Ryou so he laid under him, splayed out on the bed like an ethereal being. The crimson-eyed man frantically kissed and massaged every inch of his light’s body that he could find, which resulted in the tearing of fabrics and rather loud cries bellowed from Ryou as the passion went further and further.

“So fucking tight...”

Short gasps, mewls and whimpers, deep grunts and constant panting echoed through the ship. It was honestly a miracle that the crew didn’t wake up during their coupling, although the storm did provide a nice cover.

“Oh God, BAKURA!! Harder, yes, oh, ohhhh....”

Well...as much of a cover as it COULD provide once they REALLY got going...

Two hours later, the pair were exhausted, voiceless, and would be extremely sore in the morning. Mostly Ryou though, who fell asleep after murmuring something about ‘doing this again sometime soon.’ Bakura smirked, then spooned the pale, lithe form to his and let slumber overtake him as well.

*******************

“Awwwwwww...”

“Shut up.” Another slap from Bakura’s hand to Malik’s rear. “Wait a damn minute...you like this kind of kinky shit.” A Cheshire smile from the lavender-eyed youth was all the answer Bakura needed.

“What happened next?”

“Well, Ryou was delighted in the fact that he wasn’t going to pay his income tax.”

“Oh really?” Malik mused as his chocolate hand fondled random body parts belonging to Bakura.

“No GST either.”

“Hell, I’ve always said screw the GST! It deserves to be...nngh...Bakurrraaaa...” The raider had (at that moment) taken to feasting on a certain someone’s sensitive skin, and we all know there was no one else around but Malik...except for Otogi, who had been watching the entire thing on a security camera. We won’t get into that though; let’s just say Otogi had not been laid in a while. A rather long while.

“I’m gonna screw you in a few minutes...” Bakura whispered harshly into Malik’s ear, his tongue tracing the lobe and his hands...were busy. Very busy and very occupied in a very low place.

“Aaah! Ohhhh...” Malik’s eyes shut tight and his body arched into Bakura’s hands, becoming more taut by the minute. “Fuck me already, goddammit!”

~*~

“So when did you start think that Ryou really had more than just a few screws loose?” Malik breathed, ready to fall asleep from the previous engagement. He let his head loll on the floor, his eyes shining and rather unfocussed. If it weren’t for Bakura being so tired as well, the raider would have taken his lover again in a heartbeat.

“Well, he got a huge ego boost when people actually noticed and feared him. He figured it would be in the crew’s best interest if we blocked the way to a local Co-op...”

******************

“So kid, just who do you think you are, trying to stand up to the terror of the sea?” Ryou had an evil grin painted on his face, and the little child trying to get into the store quivered in ultimate fear.

“I-I-I...w-well you see s-sir, I-”

“You children of all people should know the rules. If you wanna reach the Co-op boy, you gotta get by me!”

“ARRRR!!” went the crew of one hundred-and-something (there were upgrades in crew numbers, most wonderfully), and the boy turned white as a sheet and screamed like a banshee all the way home to his town.

***************

“That’s...not Ryou.”

“I know.” Having gone through most of their useful vocabulary, Malik and Bakura were content to lie on the cold floor, wrapped around each other in a rather odd position - a small feat compared to what they had done during their play time.

“We’re going to get haemorrhoids, aren’t we?”

“Probably.” Bakura’s eyes drifted shut, and he almost fell asleep...almost. Malik wasn’t about to let him get any rest until he had finished the story, and after a feeble cat fight between the two, Bakura continued...

***************

“Arr ya salty dog!” screamed Ryou across the ship for no apparent reason. Bakura, who witnessed his light acting in this strange way, decided he was in the mood for inappropriate groping and headed over to where Ryou stood.

“Ryou...what are you doing.” Bakura wrapped his muscular arms around the captain, his hands creeping lower centimetre by centimetre (you want Imperial measurements, go to America!). The platinum haired tomb robber nibbled on the other’s neck, causing Ryou to moan softly and give him more access.

“I was just yelling at Katsuya.” Suddenly, a gopher appeared on the shore. “ARR ya salty gopher!” the brown-eyed teen yelled, frightening the poor rodent back into its hole.

“Er...” Bakura’s common sense kicked in at that moment, telling him that if he moved his hands down any lower, there was a great possibility that Ryou would chop off his testes. Ryou was certainly not himself.

“ARR YA SALTY...” A bale of hay bounced across the land. “...BALE OF HAY!!” Bakura abruptly let go of Ryou, who pouted and threaded his arms through Bakura’s. “What, you don’t like me anymore? One fuck’s enough, right?” An edge of bitterness was laced through Ryou’s voice.

“That’s not it...” ‘You’re just going psycho, and although it’s really hot, it creeps me out...’ Usually Bakura was one to voice his thoughts. Not today though, especially since he remembered the abundance of swords and other weapons on board that were easy for his light to wield.

“You know, I heard that there’s a group of pirates over in Alberta...they’re big on Stetson heists.” Bakura was puzzled with the sudden conversation shift, but let Ryou continue his babbling. “They mainly do their looting and plundering on the Athabasca...it’s a good thing we’ve stuck to Saskatchewan.”

“Right...”

“You don’t care; you just want to have sex.” To that comment, the Yami just gave Ryou a look. “Typical.”

“I’m a male, it’s expected of me.’

“What, and I’m not male?”

“No, you’re effeminate.” Ryou sported a murderous look on his face. Bakura quickly covered. “Being effeminate is sexy.” The snowy-haired pirate sighed, a forlorn look spreading across his rosy cheeks. “What is it now?”

“Winter’s coming.”

“And...?”

“And the river freezes in the winter.”

“So?”

“So we won’t be able to rob the villagers anymore you moron! We can’t be pirates here in the winter months!” Ryou tried to hit Bakura but found his hands pinned to the mast by Bakura’s own. The light gave a rather pathetic struggle to break free, mostly because he was sort of ‘in the mood’.

“We’ll come back in the spring.” murmured the raider into his light’s milky white collarbone, pressing the other into the mast.


“You are a genius. In the meantime, we should head towards the American border...I’ve heard there’s lots of plundering in New Mexicohhhh...”

********************

“You slept with him again?”

“No shit.”

“...on the deck in broad daylight?”

“No...”

“That would’ve been fuckin’ awesome if you did.” Malik half-yawned, stretching and reaching for his tight clothing.

“Yeah, I guess it would.”

“You guess? Man, it’d be wicked to have someone screaming my name at twelve o’clock in the afternoon on a pirate ship.” Malik’s eyes lit up at the prospect, his mind going into dreamland for a moment - and then he remembered why he came all the way to the penitentiary in the first place.

“How in hell did you get caught?”

Bakura thought for a moment, stroking his chin as if there might have been a beard there, which there wasn’t. “You have to understand, by the time we were ready to cross the Canadian border into America, there were close to one hundred eighty of us.”

“Don’t you mean one hundred and eighty?”

“That’s actually an improper mathematical term.”

“Fucking nerd.”

“At least I don’t read the bible in my spare time. Anyways, like I was saying before you cut me off, there were one hundred ninety two of us, and yes, I added on more numbers because I fucking felt like it, so shut up ahead of time. The guy at the booth took one look at us and screamed so loud that the local police district heard us. They phoned the U.S. Army...and we were royally screwed over.” Bakura hastily put on his clothes, and thrust Malik’s small shirt at him, opening the accursed mysteriously sometimes-locking door afterwards. “Care to visit some of the crew?”

*******************

Malik walked behind Bakura, snickering at the pathetic souls behind the bars. Most of them had been petty thieves - CD players, batteries, jewellery and such. Malik gave each one a toothy grin guaranteed to either bring severe nightmares or promptly urinated pants. It took about five minutes to get to the Extremely Dangerous Criminals Ward (EDCW for short), marked by a bright pink sign with purple lettering. On the first right hand cell, with a game boy clutched in his hands, was Katsuya Jounouchi. Malik snickered. “Hey, how’s it goin’ Salty Bob?”

A ferocious roar came out from the previously calm blond as he malevolently beat against and shook the bars of his cell, determined to rip Malik limb from limb. The Egyptian clapped his hands with glee, too excited to realize just how flamboyant he was being. Not that he really cared though. Bakura was naming off random names of people who had accompanied him on his and Ryou’s buccaneering journey, but Malik was primarily interested in driving Joey insane, and seeing what happened to Ryou. “Where’s Ryou?”

“In there.” Bakura pointed with his ring finger (for some strange reason) towards a white door with a small sign saying ‘Do Not Enter’. Malik, disappointed that there was no small viewing window, pressed his ear against the wall and heard...singing...

“‘Cause it’s a heave-ho! High-ho! Comin’ down the plains, stealing wheat and barely and all the other grains and it’s a ho-hey! High-hey! Farmers bar your doors, when ya see the Jolly Roger on Regina’s mighty shores! ARRRRRRR!!!”

~*~

LA FIN!! Wow, that took forever. Twenty six pages people! Let me know what you think about it, okay? Now, as promised, here are the lyrics!!

***

Oh, I used to be a farmer and I made a living fine,
I had a little stretch of land along the CP line
But times are hard and though I tried, the money wasn't there
And bankers came and took my land and told me fair is fair
I looked for every kind of job, the answer always "no"
Hire you now, they'd always laugh, we just let twenty go!
The government, they promised me a measly little sum
But I've got too much pride to end up just another bum.

Then I thought who gives a damn if all the jobs are gone
I'm gonna be a PIRATE! on the River Saskatchewan!
ARRR!! Arrr! Arrrr Ar. Ar. Arrr.

Chorus:
'Cause it's a heave-ho! hi-ho!
Coming down the plains
Stealing wheat and barley and all the other grains
And it's a ho-hey! hi-hey!
Farmers bar your doors
When you see the Jolly Roger on Regina's mighty shores.
Arr!

Well you think the local farmers would know that I'm at large
But, just the other day I saw an unsuspecting barge
I snuck up right behind them and they were none the wiser,
I rammed their shand and sank it, and I stole their fertilizer!
A bridge outside of Moose Jaw spans a mighty river
The farmers pass in so much fear, their stomachs are a-quiver
Because they know that TRACTOR JACK! is hiding in the bay,
I'll jump the bridge and knock them cold and sail off with their hay!

Chorus

Well Mountie Bob he chased me, he was always at my throat
He'd follow on the shoreline but he didn't own a boat
But cutbacks were a-coming and the Mountie lost his job
Now he's sailing with me and we call him Salty Bob.
A swingin' sword, and skull n' bones, and pleasant company
I never pay my income tax and screw the GST - SCREW IT!
Prince Albert down to Saskatoon, I'm the terror of the sea
If ya wanna reach the Co-op, boy, you gotta get by me!

Chorus

Arrr ya salty dog.. arrr ya salty gopher.. arrr ya salty bale of hay!

Well, pirate life's appealing, but you don't just find it here
I've heard that in Alberta, there's a band of buccaneers
They roam the Athabasca, from Smith to Fort McKay
And you're gonna lose your Stetson if you have to pass their way
Well winter is a-coming and a chill is in the breeze
Our pirate days are over once the river starts to freeze
I'll be back in springtime, but now I've to go,
I hear there's lots of plundering down in New Mexico!

Chorus
Repeat Chorus
Repeat last line of chorus