Keith on The Prowl

This fic is the result of a slow day at the office, too much caffeine, and Yami Dragon trying to quit smoking…….and double PMS.

This fic has nothing to do with our stories in progress…we’re just in a mood and we need to vent.

This fic is dedicated to EvilMJ…because she’s evil and she knows it…..and she likes it….and she’s good at it….and she rocks….and is the mother of the antichrist (her greatest accomplishment to date)……and because we know we are going to catch hell for this..*holds catcher’s mitts*

WARNIGNS: ANZU BASHING…bakurasgirl style!!!!!!...implied yaoi only….and glomping all around..Yami Dragon style.

Keith on the Prowl
By: Bakurasgirl and Yami Dragon

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Keith left the Bikers Club a little drunk, kinda disappointed and VERY horny (BG: eww…YD: *sticks finger down throat*). Action was scarce all around the district, so he decided to go somewhere else: the new duelist club, The Dragon’s Lair. He heard it was owned by the notorious Seto Kaiba, but it was his only chance of getting any that night. (BG and YD: *double gag*)
Keith walked into the club looking around at the familiar faces. In a dark, foreboding corner, sat Seto Kaiba and his new pet, Tristan. At his table sat Mokuba and Serenity, talking quietly among themselves.
Ryou and Bakura were sitting at the table with the Ishtars. Marik gripped the Millennium Rod in his hand and leaned back in his chair with a sadistic grin on his face, which was completely normal for him.
Keith walked up to the table with the two pairs of boys. Marik and Bakura both raised their eyebrows at his approach, each slowly putting a possessive arm around their hikaris.
“Hey, Ryou, wanna have sex?” Keith asked Ryou. (BG: ………Get your filthy hands off my boy! Ryou: OO)
Ryou’s eyes went as big as tea saucers and he moved closer to his yami. “Oh my…….ummm……well, gee, Keith….umm….Bakura, help?”
Bakura growled at Keith and snarled (BG: DAMN, HE’S NOT NAKED!). “Touch my hikari and I’ll disembowel you slowly…with a spoon…and mummify you alive.”
Bakura’s answer must not have rung a bell in Keith’s empty, lust-filled head, and he ignored the yami’s warning.
“Yeah? Well, what about you, Bakura? Do you need sex?”
“………..I am going to kill you now if you do not get your skanky ass away……now...(YD: *laughs hysterically*)
“Oh…what about you, Malik? Do you want to have hot, sexy, man-love?”(YD: Ok, now I’m gonna puke! RUN MALIK!! RUN AWAY!!)
If Keith ticked off Bakura a little, he totally pissed off Marik. But, Malik rolled his eyes. “My yami’s Rod is better than your rod any day…that is if I can call it a rod…It’s probably a straw or a pencil or…something akin to that. (YD: *dies of laughter*)”
Keith was disappointed, but nevertheless, he kept up.
“Marik? You want some of…”
“I’d rather fuck my own Millennium Rod…wait….that sounds like a good idea.” Marik stood up and dragged Malik out of the club gripping his Rod tightly (BG: Yes, THAT rod.)
So, undeterred, Keith decided to try elsewhere. He saw Joey and Otogi on the dance floor. Joey’s shirt was half unbuttoned and the sweat poured from his sculpted body. (YD: *drowns in own drool* BG: Oo).
Keith walked up and tapped Joey on the shoulder. “Hey, mutt, wanna have hot doggie love with me?”
Joey rolled his eyes and put his arm around Otogi’s waist. “I’d rather be chewed up and spat out by my Red eyes…I mean, my Green Eyes.” Joey turned around suddenly and pulled Otogi into a searing kiss. (YD: MMMMMMMM)
Keith turned to Otogi. “What about you, Otogi? Wanna take your chances with me?”
Otogi flicked his dice at Keith’s nose. “I’d rather have to roll a snake eyes and wear a dog suit for a week…or a dog collar. That reminds me, Joey, you need a new collar.” Joey gave a pitiful whine and began grinding into Otogi again on the dance floor.
Keith sighed again in frustration. He was more horny than he’d ever been in his life (BG: *hacks up blood*) and seeing those two grind was making it increasingly harder. (YD: *runs to the bathroom to vomit*)
Keith went to see Pegasus who was sitting with Croquet at the bar, sipping wine. “Hey. Pegsy, want to meet my Millennium Eye????” (YD: GROSS! BG: I can’t believe I just wrote that.)
“I’d rather have Bakura rip out my other eye and eat it in front of me.”
Keith blinked. “So, is that a no?”
“…………..”
“Hey, umm…you …beside Pegsy….what your name? Whatever…..want some sex? It’s free.”
“My duty is to Master Pegasus.”
Pegasus stood up and moved to Croquet. He traced Croquet’s jaw with his thumb. “And you do it soooooooooooo well….yesssssssssssss…….”
Croquet grinned. “How about….a…raise?”
“Mmmm…..Croquet…that will be the third time today. Yes…….” Pegasus began to lick Croquet’s jaw that he traced with his finger. Soon, “master” and “servant” were making out. Keith pounded the bar in frustration.
Keith looked over and saw Yami and Yugi. He walked up to them.
Yugi looked up to see the towering Keith above him. Yugi gasped and ran behind Yami quivering.
“Yugi? Yami? Umm…I want sex and I need it now from both of you. I neeeeeeeeed some sex or I am gonna die!”
Yami grunted and rolled his eyes. “I’d rather spend another five thousand years trapped in that puzzle.”
“Yugi? You? Please? Sex? Now? Please? You? Me? PLEASE? Anywhere? NOW?” (YD: *rolls eyes* He’s pathetic.)
Yugi bit his lip. “Umm…no thanks. I got my lovin’ right here!” Yugi jumped into Yami’s lap cuddling him and covering his dark’s face with kisses. (YD and BG: awwww……)
Keith mumbled to himself. “If I don’t get some soon, someone’s gonna pay.” He looked over and saw Mai and Isis sitting at a table. Surely, they would be interested. Even if they didn’t want sex, maybe he could at least get a blowjob or he could somehow bribe the two women to sleep together in front of him so he could watch. (BG: *rolls eyes*) ‘That would be so great,” he thought.
He walked up to the two women who both seemed disgusted at his approach. “So, hi, ladies. You two interested in having sex with a love machine?” (YD: *gags repeatedly*.)
Isis rolled her eyes. “No thanks, I replaced the batteries in my vibrator already.” (YD: Go, ISIS!)
Keith growled and turned to Mai. “What about you?”
Mai had a look of horror on her face and she took a deep breath. “I’d rather run out of hairspray, or not be able to find the right shade of lipstick, or poke my eye out with my eyeliner, or have my boobs ate;ate; because I paid a lot of money for these things and they don’t come cheap!”
Keith’s lip curled into a smile. “So, what if you two sleep together and I get to watch? That’d be cool, too.”
Isis narrowed her eyes. “I’d rather spend the rest of my life underground.”
“Fine.” Keith ran his hand over his face in total frustration. “What IS it with this place…can’t even get laid!” (YD: PLEASE! I just ate! *thinks of naked, horny AND glaring Seto to recover* That’s better.)
Scanning the crowd again, he realized he was running out of options. At least until he saw two more familiar figures leaning against a wall.
“Hey, Mako! I have a water bed at my place. Want to come over and ride a wave with me?”
“I do not think so, my friend…wait a minute…you ARE NOT my friend. Do not anger the mighty gods of the sea with your blasphemy!”
Keith backed off slightly. “Geeze! Chill out, man…I’m just tryin’ to get some!” (BG: MY EYES! THEY BURN!!...YD: I think I’m gonna hurl)
“What about you…umm…you…dude with the ponytail…what’s your name? I like your tattoo…wanna see mine??” (BG & YD: OO)
Rashid stared down at the pathetic creature from his towering height, his face expressionless. “I have all the seamen I can handle.” He slipped an arm around Mako’s waist. (YD: MMMMMMMMM……..BG: Is it Bakura’s? YD: Are you not reading what I’m typing? Hentai! BG: Mm..mmm.mmm…YD: Stop talking with your mouth full…NO PEOPLE! She’s eating chips!! Hentais! All of you!!)
Keith tried to pull his blond hair from his head, succeeding only in tearing his bandana to shreds. (YD: Does he ever wash that thing? *shudder*)
He headed toward the door, figuring he’d give the owner of the club and his kept man a shot before leaving for greener pastures. (YD: SOOOO pathetic!! Keep your hands off my boys, you waste of air!)
Keith walked up to Tristan with a grin on his face. He knew that if he messed with Tristan, he could very well get his ass kicked by a sexy, juicy, moist, heaving…built….hot….(did I mention sexy?????) piece of man-meat by the name of Seto Kaiba, but it didn’t matter to him…as long as he got a piece of ass or otherwise, it didn’t matter. ( BG: ………ew….YD: Hands off, he’s my piece of sexy man-meat!)
“Hey, Tristan? Wanna give me a ride?”
Tristan repressed the sudden, overwhelming urge to vomit horribly (YD: *falls off chair laughing*) “If I’m gonna suck a pipe, I’d rather suck the tailpipe of my bike…better yet…I already have a hot pipe to suck on.” (BG: OO!!!!!!!!!!!!! YD: GO TRISTAN!!!)
Tristan put his hand under the table and it was obvious what he was doing…Seto’s face told the tale. Mokuba lifted his hand in the air.
“I’m saving my virginity for somebody special,” Mokuba looked at Serenity from the corner of his eye.
Keith turned to Serenity and he felt a bottle hit the back of his head. He turned around and saw Joey glaring at him, shaking his fist. “Don’t even think about it!” (Bakurasgirl and Yami Dragon will like to apologize to the readers for having Keith think of hitting on Serenity. In all fairness, it makes us hack, too.)
Keith turned to Seto. “What about you, Kaiba? Wanna ride my Big Blue Eye?????”
“Not for all the money in my Swiss Bank accounts,” Seto glared snapping his fingers. “Nobody propositions what’s mine.” Seto wrapped his arms around Tristan pulling him almost into his lap for a big, searing, wet, passion-filled kiss. (YD: *drools to death* BG: Guess I gotta find another wife. DAMN!)
The two bouncers came and tossed Keith out of the club. Keith landed on his hard on his ass. Keith stood up and brushed his leather pants off (BG AND YD: GAG!) and straightened his leather jacket with chains (BG and YD: GAG (again)). He yelled at the bouncers who closed the door.
“Hey, punks! Nobody kicks Bandit Keith out of a club! That’s not very nice!”
Suddenly, a cold, brainless wind blew……suddenly, a lamp post was being accused of being friendly. Keith looked down the block and saw Anzu (YD and BG: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!) walking, looking at the lamp posts and trying to make friends with them. She jumped around like a complete moron screaming, “LAMP POSTS ARE LIKE FRIENDSHIP AND THEY ARE LIKE FRIENDSHIP BECAUSE THEY ARE SHINY AND ARE PRETTY!!!!!!!!!”
Keith sighed in resignation. The only person available was a friendship-toting, totally brainless, flat-chested, skanky Anzu.
Keith walked up to Anzu. “Um…I don’t suppose you wanna be friendly with me?”
(YD: KEITH, DON’T DO IT! BG: He’s REALLY desperate!)
Anzu smiled blankly as the wind ruffled the cobwebs in her empty skull. “Friendship?”
Keith smirks. “Yeah, sure…LOTS of friendship wrapped in a tiny package!” (BG: Sorry, but I HAD to go there. ‘Tiny’ being the operative word. YD: Gross me out…)
“OO! Tiny package? Little packages are very friendly! Does it have a pretty bow??”
“No, but it does have two pretty balls.”
“BALLS? I WANNA SEE PRETTY BALLS! NOW!” (BG: I am going to vomit now. Thank you.)
Keith looked around at the people walking by. “Better not do it here, babe. Let’s go to my place and I will show you my pretty….BIG….balls….” (YD: I am going to hork. BG: *shakes head * Newfies……YD: EAT ME!...oh wait…..)
Anzu jumped up and down like the brainless dolt she was. “I wanna see a friendly place that has pretty kitties, puppies, and horsies, and…and….rainbows…and bunnies…and friendly crabbies…..”
Keith raised an eyebrow. “You don’t have any friendly crabbies, do you? Because I don’t want any friendly crabbies…I had a case last week of that.”
“Were they being friendly and giving you hugs and kisses?”
“Not really. Well, can we just go? Too much talk, not enough sex.”
Anzu skipped around him. “OO!!! Sex? Is sex friendly?? I heard it’s friendly. Bakura and Ryou have been friendly often and Tristan and Seto were getting friendly on their front lawn (YD: GO TRIS X SETO!) ….and Seto was verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry friendly when he took his--.”
“Too much info, girl. Let’s go to my place.”
Keith took Anzu to his place and she immediately ran to his bowl of small fish.
“FRIENDLY FISHIES! I WANNA SEE FRIENDLY FISHIES AND BIG BALLS!”
Anzu grabbed a small fish and squeezed it so tightly it pleaded for mercy by its large fish eyes that popped out and literally flew across the room. Keith took her hand and brought her into the bedroom. (YD: ‘Keith’ and ‘bedroom’ do NOT belong in the same sentence. BG: Tough. I’m typing.)
Keith crossed his arms. “So, let’s get naked.” (YD: I’ve had enough. I’m going out for a smoke)
Anzu’s face now bore a clueless grin. “Is that like being friendly? Because if you are asking if we can be friendly, I want to be the friendliest girl in the whole wide wide wide wide world!”
A grin was plastered on Keith’s face. ‘Alright,’ he thought, ‘I got an easy chick tonight!’
“Sure, baby…I wanna be more than friendly. I wanna rock your world until the dawn, baby,” Keith said gyrating his hips (BG: ….*thinks about naked, snarling Bakura to eliminate nasty mental image*mmm..naked, snarling Bakura.)
Anzu began jumping around grabbing one of Keith’s black, leather bedroom pillows. “Rock my world? BABY? WHERE’S THE LITTLE BABY?! I WANNA HUG IT AND SING IT THE BARNEY THEME SONG! I love you…You love me…..” (BG: *passes out from mass destruction of brain cells* YD: *goes out for another two-day smoke*)
Keith watched as Anzu grabbed his cactus and squeezed it making the needles stick deep into her. Keith winced as she stepped back rubbing her needle-covered belly.
“Tee-hee, these tickle!”
Keittchetched as the needles fell off of her one by one as she bounced around the room.
When she was done, he growled in frustration. They haven’t been in the room five minutes and they weren’t naked!!!!!
“Hey, girlie…umm…I mean, baby….let me get naked first if you are too nervous.”
(BG: MY EYES! THEY BURN!)
Keith slowly removed his leather jacket and threw it on the chair. He removed his shirt and his leather pants. Keith removed his white underwear and stood naked before the brainless girl. (BG: Due to the trauma it may cause the author to describe Keith naked, I leave it up to the reader’s imagination YD: *still is out for two day smoke* *yells from outside* I REFUSE to have ANYTHING to do with this!!)
Anzu looked at Keith and looked at the…….prominent feature of Keith. “OOO!!! It’s soooo…….FRIENDLY!”
Keith smiled and put his hands on his hips. “Ok, doll, I showed you mine….let’s see what you got.”
Anzu turned away from Keith and fumbled with her shirt. She spun around to Keith tearing open her shirt. Underneath her shirt, was a Care Bears shirt. “I LOOOOOOOOOVE the Care Bears! They are so friendly because they want to help people learn about friendship and how important it is! Don’t you ever watch their show? It was so funny! One time Tenderheart Bear was going to go to Wish Bear’s home to make cookies and it was so friendly! I love cookies! Cookies are like friendship! YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FRIENDSHIP!”
Keith sighed in frustration. “Yes, the Care Bears are ……whatever…listen….” Keith rubbed his aching temples. “Listen….maybe we can play a game. Would you like that?”
“GAMES ARE LIKE FRIENDSHIP! You know what I like?” Anzu grabbed Keith’s hands and spun him in the circle. “Twirling is like friendship! You are a great dancer! Just like a cutsie-wootsie ballerina!”
Keith stopped and pulled back. “I am NOT a Ballerina! Look, Do you wanna have sex or not?”
Anzu’s face finally bore evidence that she understood the simple question. “Sex? Is that like friendship????”
“Oh, it can be. Anyway, take this paper bag and put it on your head. I call it…umm…Keith’s Paper Bag of Pleasure.”
“HAVING A SACK ON YOUR HEAD AND IN YOUR FACE IS LIKE FRIENDSHIP!”
“You like it, then?”
“This is the most friendliest feeling ever!!! I love being friends with you!”
Keith stepped closer to her and she removed the bag. “Keep the bag on.”
“But, I wanna be friendly!”
A vein in Keith’s head began to throb. “Look, girlie. Just go…take the bag with you.”
“MY FRIENDLY PAPER BAG CAN GO WITH ME?”
“Umm…..sure..whatever….just don’t tell anyone about this….ok? I never met you.”
“YEAH FRIENDSHIP!”
Anzu skipped out of the door leaving Keith happily alone to tend to his own….business.

The End…thank ALL the gods we can think of.