To Lose

Disclaimer: I do not own Yugioh Gx. I do not own the basis for this fanfiction, the concept is taken with permission from “Yami’s Chan” fanfiction ‘Slut’. I make no money from this.


To Lose
By 11


Chapter 07
Slut

It was impossible but it was.

He was attacked ‘here’, the only place he’d thought was safe. No, he’d made it unsafe – because he came here – they said so – they followed him, just like before.

To think they’d follow him even to the slifer dorms.

“Aw – we messed up the sheets too!”

But they weren’t sorry, they were laughing.

“Well if you’d make yourself more accessible elsewhere – we wouldn’t need to come all the way out here!” another jeered, “It’s a pain for us to walk out here too you know!”

This time had been relatively quick compared to others – there were only four of them. They left, but Chazz was still shocked, his movements slower than usual when he cleaned himself up – before he got anything on the carpet.

But the bed…

Sickness washed over him and he emptied his insides all over again. He had to clean up – but it felt dirty, disgusting, and horrible – worse than before. That wasn’t the bed where Chazz usually slept – it was worse, that was where Jaden slept.

He felt sick all over again – Jaden could not sleep in the place where those boys fucked him. Shame and sickness bubbled up inside him – and even though he’d washed the sheets, and even the smell was finally gone it felt disgusting and wrong.

He wasn’t even safe here – and he couldn’t keep Jaden from finding out if those faceless turds kept up this kind of behavior. At least Jaden had been out when they came by – at least he knew Jaden would be gone the morning for make-up exams and papers.

This couldn’t go on. He knew that – but he was at a loss – what could he do about it? He’d asked himself that same question so many times before but he still couldn’t think of an answer.

It was so wrong – and what if something worse happened? Not just to Chazz but to-!! No. He would not let that happen. Under no circumstances would he expose Jaden to this. He would never let that happen.

So how could he prevent that? If that’s what this aggressive behavior was moving towards. Stormy gray eyes glanced back toward the once soiled bed – it still seemed tainted somehow, he couldn’t erase the memories from his mind.

How could he prevent this kind of thing from happening ever again?

“Wow – glad that’s over!”

Chazz startled as the brunette burst in – a wide smile spreading over his face when he spotted Chazz. “You’re up already! I brought you breakfast before it closed!”

Jaden hefted one of the disposable containers from the campus eatery, “It’s just some meat and eggs though – but the bacon tastes great anyway.”

Chazz took the package offered and before he could say a word Jaden turned and hopped onto his bed – lying down. On the ugly, putrid, disgusting spot… it hadn’t even been an hour. Sure he’d watched the sheets but--!!

“Jaden!”

“What?” The brunette startled at Chazz’s outburst. How could he explain it! That spot was tainted! What-!!

“A cat pooed on your bed!”

He said it as a last resort – what else would make Jaden willingly leave his bed after early morning make-up exams and filling his stomach with food?

As predicted, Jaden leapt up from the bed as if he’d been burned. “What?!” he shouted scandalized looking at Chazz and back at his bed and back to Chazz, “Why didn’t you tell me a minute ago?”

“Well,” Chazz started, his insides vaguely shaking – he had no idea how to handle this situation – but that bed… no way, there was no way. “I cleaned the sheets and everything but…”

“Oh,” Jaden breathed, all the tension draining from him instantaneously, “Well that’s fine then.”

“But it’s such a dirty place you can’t sleep there it’s been tainted that’s where-!!” Chazz started, stopped himself and tried again, “It’s still a place a cat pooed.” He finished weakly.

“It’s fine,” Jaden grinned, “poos gone now.” Jaden said hopping back onto the bed, turning his head into his pillow – Chazz cringed, the same pillow one of their knees had touched, and his sweat had soaked into, and he’d turned his own face into to wipe away seed…

“Hey, my bed even smells nice for a change,” Jade grinned back at Chazz’s horrified face, his eyebrows wrinkling in puzzlement at the paler youth’s continued expression of terror. “Thanks for doing my laundry!”

“No but-!” Chazz shook slightly – he could still remember what happened there – Jaden shouldn’t be there – even if the sheets were cleaned – that place was still – how could he have let it happen? Here?!

“Chazz, nothing’s wrong with the bed.” Jaden told him standing up, and walked forward to him. Chazz still couldn’t let it go – but at least Jaden wasn’t sprawled over such a place anymore – what could he do to make it clean – how could he let Jaden use it after something like that? What could he--?!

Then his thoughts cut off abruptly. He couldn’t think at all. Jaden’s arms were around him. He was being dragged. Then they fell together – he wasn’t even conscious of it until they both fell into the mattress.

Jaden’s arms were still locked around his shoulders. They were on the bed – Jaden’s arms tight around him, heat seeping in past the layers of clothes, and he could smell him. Thick, something like spice, clean, sharp… he couldn’t think. He was so warm, and Chazz couldn’t hear what he was saying – he could just melt away, just from this.

“Chazz.”

Jaden was less than inches from him – he could feel him, smell him, if he lifted his head just a little he’d be looking right at Jaden – he was already – the red of his jacket, the gray/black in his shirt, the start of his collarbone.

“Chazz.”

Jaden’s collarbone – such a small thing – how could it be so attractive? Why was his face burning – was he red? Could Jaden see it? Jaden was way too close-! They were on Jaden’s bed-!

“Chazz.”

Finally Jaden’s voice broke his thoughts and storm gray irises snapped up to sunset eyes, and Chazz’s blood burned as a lazy smile spread over the other’s face.

“See?” Chazz’s ears locked on every dulcet spoken word and shivered at the sound, “Nothing’s wrong with the bed Chazz?”

His skin tingled betraying his urge to press closer. His face was inches away – the mouth he’d never kissed too close – and he couldn’t look away. He was positive his face was red, he felt so hot and Jaden’s warmth bleeding into him did nothing to stall the incitement.

His throat felt dry and Jaden’s smile never swayed. Chazz might have noticed that he was edging closer if he’d noticed that Jaden’s grip had loosened to let him. Then he felt something stir – it shocked him, sharp almost painful and he leapt back, choking back a moan.

What was wrong with him?! Why was he reacting like that?!! Jaden was just-!! Being stupid Jaden!

Jaden sat up still grinning. “So, it’s fine right?”

“What is?” Chazz barely breathed, not trusting his voice as he willed his blood to cool, trying to catch a breath he didn’t realize he’d lost in those few moments lying side by side with the other.

“The bed.” Jaden looked confused again, “No more complaints right?”

“No.” Chazz agreed. No he had no more complaints – it was the opposite now; his mind had been completely erased of previous events due to current ones. He turned toward the breakfast Jaden brought, though he had no intention of eating it.

It was good he’d jumped up – despite every physical reason pleading to try to return to the previous instant. He’d needed to get away from that proximity – before he did something he’d regret later, or if Jaden had seen something compromising.

It was dangerous, for both of them like this. He wanted Jaden close – and that was really the worst thing that he could do for himself and to Jaden. How to keep Jaden safe, still not knowing? He had to get away from him.

“Even so,” Chazz started in irritation, “I can’t stay in a place where cats poo on beds!”

It was a weak reason. He knew that.

“But if you clean it up it’s not a big deal?” Jaden half-stated half-asked, obviously confused about Chazz’s reactions and what was going on.

Chazz ignored him. “I’m leaving.” He stated firmly, derisively, as if whirling an insult of some kind. Chazz barely managed a peek back at Jaden’s reaction when he didn’t say anything. The brunette had the oddest expression on his face. Chazz couldn’t decipher it.

“So I guess I can’t say anything to stop you?” Jaden asked, his voice betrayed nothing. Chazz turned finally to look back, Jaden was smiling, the previous expression gone. “I’ll miss you – and the slifer doors are always open!”

“As if I’d want to come back ‘here’.” Chazz snorted, shoving the breakfast into the trash on his way out. He felt sick when the door slammed shut behind him. It was necessary – no matter how Jaden must look now after that.

To prevent something terrible he had to stay away from Jaden. So it didn’t matter even if Jaden didn’t understand, or if he didn’t speak to Chazz anymore, even if he looked at him with that odd expression.

But just before on the bed…

Chazz shook his head harshly as if to knock the thoughts away – those things weren’t something to be happy about! Not something to feel giddy about! Not something to feel good about! It wasn’t something he should have felt at all!!

Chazz’s breath seethed in and out of him as he felt his body grow too hot again. He calmed himself down relatively quickly before considering something important he hadn’t when he’d made the decision to leave the slifer dorms – where was he going now?

`

It had turned out to be a simple answer, even though the memory and the appearance of his dorm room were the same as that first time he’d fled. White seed still crusted in the roughly thrashed sheets, drops of blood from the first few times his backside had been so brutally treated.

Chazz nearly ran out of the room – but he opted to try and control his breathing on the floor after bolting the door tight – it would just have to do with it’s locks and bolts. He managed not to vomit – possibly only because his stomach had been empty before.

He cleaned up the room – and though the musk and memory remained the smell was gone. The smell was gone, but he could still swear he saw the stain on the sheets, and could smell the sickness and disgust in the air.

Chazz missed the slifer dorm already – after Jaden came in, even that tainted place seemed to be washed clean somehow. But he wouldn’t be speaking to Jaden again – so he’d just have to remember, and that would be all.

The first night he was back they were already pounding on his door. He wound up sleeping in his bathroom – he’d had to board up parts of his door when some managed to pick the locks. At least they hadn’t taken an axe to the door – it still served as a barrier.

He went to class, he didn’t manage without incident, he missed breakfast as result and went straight to class. Dark marks were left under his eyes from the weekend evening and night spent unable to sleep.

He’d been too anxious to sleep, and when he did manage to nod off incessant door pounding woke him as jeering voices that called through the door. Chazz couldn’t fathom another night spent sleepless and anxious, and trying to stock more barriers between him and the others.

Would they eventually try to come through the windows? How could he barricade the balcony?! He took a deep breath to calm the shudders and try to ignore the disgusting feel of the seed still leaking from before – he’d tried to clean up most of it before class but his discomfort was proof that some still remained.

He felt sick again – but he hadn’t eaten, and nothing came up. He saw alone in the classroom and he didn’t much care about the loud and obvious whispers and pointed laughs and jeers in his general direction anymore.

Without Jade-no they were just more noticeable now without… distraction. It wasn’t surprising. What was surprising was that he wouldn’t remain alone at his part of the desk during lecture.

“Wow! Just made it!”

Chazz nearly jumped in his seat when a familiar voice intruded on his sleepy negative fugue of thought. Jaden had just made it into the seat next to Chazz as the professor finished setup and began the lecture.

Jaden was relatively quiet – for the first twenty or so minutes he’d actually try to listen pen poised above paper but doomed to never write anything down as invariably he would nod off at some point.

Even Chazz couldn’t focus on the lecture though. He’d almost gotten used to the idea last night that he’d be alone again – like that first week without Sartorius – when it started, and just before he’d gone to the slifer dorms.

But Jaden was still here. Acting just like they had. Did he still think they could be ‘friends’ or whatever it was during that time?! Was he not clear enough that he was severing his ties when he left before?!

Sure he didn’t question Chazz moving out but he still thought that meant that he could stay in Chazz’s proximity?! He had to try through most of class to rationalize not feeling anything but irritation and general annoyance toward the other.

The professor ended morning lecture with a reminder about some assignment or another and Chazz heard Jaden stir as usual – lifting his head and sighed as usual knowing he’d missed most of the class releasing a yawn and stretching his arms.

Chazz kept his eyes down and most importantly keeping anything beyond annoyance and irritation with the slifer from his voice and expression.

“Chazz? Going to lunch, right?” Jaden asked when Chazz didn’t start moving with him and the other students toward an exit.

“Why would I want to go anywhere with you?” Chazz wondered coldly, not turning to face the brunette, afraid he’d back down if he did. But it was for Jaden’s own good – and Chazz’s peace of mind that the idiot would never know.

It almost defeated the purpose if he had to make Jaden hate him anyway – but at least he’d know that Jaden wouldn’t even have to see something like ‘that’, or see it, ever.
“I thought I’d made it quite clear I want nothing to do with the slifers.”

“Well the dorm maybe but-?”

Chazz cut him off, “You’re such an idiot. The fact I was even there to begin with a whim – I’ve realize more than that a lapse in judgement – speaking to ‘you’ was a lapse in sanity.”

Even Jaden had to understand that much, and if he didn’t; “Don’t sit with me. Don’t speak to me – don’t even enter my line of sight if you can help it! You’ll make me a stupid as you are – it’s sickening.”

Chazz still didn’t look up – clinically putting his notes and writing tools away. Jaden hadn’t moved – and even if Jaden was frozen in some sort of idiot’s shock – Chazz would not look at him – he didn’t want to see what kind of expression he must have had.

He needed Jaden to leave him alone for good. He could walk right by him and ignore him – and without a doubt Jaden wouldn’t speak to him again. That thought didn’t hurt – Chazz wouldn’t let it, he couldn’t let it hurt, because this was necessary.

But as he got up to leave, his eyes couldn’t stop from lifting to Jaden’s face. Chazz died a little inside. Hurt was evident – more than evident, Jaden’s face never hid anything he felt, here was no different.

The full horror and guilt of his action flooded Chazz and he froze unable to walk past him as he’d planned. He should never had looked – but he had, and now he didn’t know what to do. The reason for the words he’d just said left him.

He wasn’t sure how, but he wanted Jaden to stop, he didn’t want to see that face, he wanted him to smile again. Jaden’s eyes finally dropped from Chazz, and in a moment Chazz composed himself to walk by – but he couldn’t keep himself cold – it did hurt.

But it was to protect him. So he would manage, he would be fine, because Jaden would eventually be fine.

`

They waited for him outside his room – before he had a chance to barricade himself inside. They stalked him in the halls, ambushed him at every turn. The obelisk dorm was a pit of the faceless bastards.

He’d expected it, but it still left him shaking, sick, and disgusted – each time felt worse than the last although he could never tell exactly how.

Perhaps after enough continuous behavior he would finally become immune to it – in ways it scared him that he already was.

He couldn’t keep track of how many or which openings they used – how many fingers were shoved in. It hurt and he screamed when they first followed through with their threat of shoving other objects inside him.

They’d gagged him – they’d bound his hands and legs apart so he couldn’t escape or pull away. Fistfuls of pens, the lounge television remote, a cucumber filched from the kitchen, the end of a shampoo bottle.

Each in turn, shoved in as far as they could manage. Then how they laughed and jeered, fingering his abused pink entrance, and how they sneered at it, telling him exactly how the skin fluttered and slurped pulling them inside.

‘His body’s just begging to be stuffed, and fucked isn’t it?’ they said, ‘Let’s not disappoint the little slut then!’ they said – stuffing, more, shoving more in, meat, plastic – and once a candle – hot wax dripped over the skin. It hurt, it burned, and it ashamed him that the heat reminded him of…

‘What did he just say?’

They laughed, ‘He really is fucking that slifer brat!’

And he couldn’t contradict them when it resulted in a fist to his jaw and further ridicule and promptings that made him disgusted and strangely, ashamedly, excited. ‘You’d like if these were his fingers in you, huh?’

Jaden’s fingers?! Chazz shook with something but not revulsion – if it was Jaden those fingers wouldn’t be so rough, if it was Jaden… and he could never stop the moans at just the thought. Then they’d laugh and it would feel so wrong.

Then Chazz would feel so ashamed, but for just that moment, thinking about that something wrong, there was discomfort of not quite pain – painful as this was there was something else when he imagined Jaden.

‘And you’d love it if this was his dick, right?!’

He couldn’t stop the contractions, and his ears couldn’t even pick up the ugly pig-like groan from the turd buried hilt-deep inside him – because if it was Jaden… and he flushed his blood pooling in a very wrong location.

But he could precisely recall that sharp aroused cry he’d made. So long ago – under strict secrecy – a locked memory – so wrong and un-Jaden-like, but when he’d heard it Chazz had… reacted.

So they had found a new way to torment him, and he’d found a shameful way to let his mind escape the immediate pain and disgust that usually result in vomit and pain and the festering of unwanted events within his mind.

But Jaden would never know. Not about this, not about Chazz’s dishonorable thoughts. Jaden was safe now – because he’d stay away from Chazz. He would never know, and though he’d never speak or feel Jaden again, it was okay.

Because Jaden was safe and Chazz would keep him as a memory – even as he used that memory for such disgraceful things – it was alright. There was no more link. Jaden would never know. Jaden was safe.

`

“I’m not buying it.”

“What?” Chazz swallowed, staring, shocked, and feeling slightly sick as he tried to dredge up enough energy to rebuff the other from him.

What was Jaden doing?! He actually came to class early?! He actually was here?! With Chazz?! Saying what now?!!

“Well a while back everything started to seem really weird around you for some reason, still is, but after a while you didn’t act so weird about everything. Now you’re acting strange again – something’s going on.”

Of all the inconvenient times for the idiot to develop intelligence!!

“I get that you’re not going to tell me what it is,” Jaden went on, sunset eyes hard with determination, “But saying stuff like you did isn’t because you mean it – for some reason you don’t’ want me around but it isn’t because of what you said.”

“Idiot – if I said it I meant it!” Chazz bit out, cursing whoever Jaden must have talked to before figuring all this out. In some sense it was a relief to know what Jaden wasn’t seriously hurt by anything he said – but it was bad that he was coming back! There was an important reason he pushed him away to begin with.

“I’m not saying you have to tell me what it is, if you want to tell me at any time – you know I’m here,” Jaden said, dumping Chazz’ book bag on the floor which he had set in the chair next to him preemptively trying to keep the brunette from sitting there – which he did anyway.

Then Jaden’s arm hooked around his shoulders, “I’m not leaving you alone.” His voice was low and velvet when he said it – too close to Chazz’s ear and bleeding heat into Chazz’s body which he suddenly realized was too cold.

Chazz couldn’t even stammer a few words back – and remained passively mute, internally roiling unable to respond. He couldn’t push Jaden away again.

Jaden’s arm remained over his shoulders and Chazz did nothing to put distance between them – he didn’t want to. He needed to, but he couldn’t force himself anymore. Just a few hours without this to look forward to and he…

He couldn’t resist being near him again when it had felt like so long – and he hadn’t had this warmth, this comforting contact since the last time the brunette had been with him. Just this much and his conviction had crumbled.

But with just this much – Chazz felt he could last a little longer.

---

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