Congratulations on making it thus far without losing all of your sanity. And now there will be a new format to the story (yay for indented paragraphs and spaces between paragraphs!). Why? Well, to make a long story short, because I said so. And everybody knows that that is the universal and unrefutable answer. For the next four chapters, including this one, there will be a theme to the chapter. Can you guess this chapter's? And I swear I'm not on crack, despite what the story may say. Send in the reviews! Let me know how good/lousy I'm doing. Spread the word far and wide! Create a cult in my honor. Oh, and enjoy the show.
Wacky Crazy Funny Silly Zany Party Fan Fic
Chapter 7: Harpy’s Pet Loveslave
“Wahoo! I get to be Mai’s loveslave! Finally!”
SMACK!!!
“Owww...that hurt Mai.”
“Shut up you moron. Gawd, I can’t believe that I got stuck with you of all people. I mean, what was the author
thinking when he decided to split everybody up into twos, and have us together as a couple?!”
“C’mon, Mai. It’s not that bad. You know that I would protect you from that dragon.”
“YOU TRIED TO SHOVE ME IN FRONT OF IT AS A SACRIFICE A COUPLE MINUTES AGO!!!”
“I was scared.”
SMACK!!!
“Owwwie. You know, someday I’m not gonna put up with all this abuse. I might even hit back.”
“Grrrrr....stay calm, girl, stay calm. Resist the urge to kill the idiot.”
“I wonder if they have a McDonald’s around here somewhere. I’m hungry. McDonald’s are supposed to be everywhere, y’know?”
“Raaawwwwrrrr!!!! That’s it! Your dead, you mangy mutt!!”
“Ahhhhhhh!!!!”
And so, Mai chases Joey further down into the dank dungeon hallway. A few minutes later, Joey is tired of running. Mai catches up to him, still full of steam, as all women are, and starts to beat the tar out of him. While Joey is in excruciating pain, he does manage to get a glimpse of Mai’s breasts bobbing up and down as she removes his liver.
“He did what???!!!” Mai yells.
“Oh fu...”
Before he could finish that statement, Joey soon realizes why men usually go into the fetal position to save what’s most important to them. He then, peacefully, is forced to go into unconsciousness as Mai blacks him out. When he awakens, Joey finds Mai nowhere in sight. He peeks inside his pants and screams in holy terror.
“THAT FREAKING FEMALE DOG!!! SHE STOLE MY MOJO!!!”
Joey jumps up and starts racing after Mai. The scene stays still for a couple of seconds, and then we see Joey running in the opposite direction. Meanwhile, Mai is walking alone, while listening to “Hips Don’t Lie” by Shachira on her iPod.
That ought to teach you to look at me like that, you hormonally charged male! I got what you need, and I don’t intend on giving it back. I should’ve done this to every boyfriend I had that looked at me the wrong way. Lousy idiots. No wonder none of them didn’t last very long. “Oh, but isn’t it your job to do the nasty with me? I mean, dude, you’re a freakin’ hooker and all.” Cheapskates. Trying to use my profession at the time to try to get inside my pants. Who do they think they are? “Mai! There you are! I finally caught up to you!” Joey says as he comes up behind Mai.
Mai ignores him completely. It’s like she doesn’t hear him at all.
“Mai! Is that how you’re going to treat me now? With the cold shoulder? Hey, listen to me when I’m talking to you. Give me back my mojo right now, Mai!”
Again, Mai doesn’t pay any attention to him. Joey huffs at this, seeing that Mai won’t respond to him. Even though she did stole his mojo, he still can’t hit her. So he follows her for awhile, waiting for her to stop PMSing and talk to him. After about twenty minutes, Mai stops and takes the headphones off her ears. Then she turns around to see Joey right behind her.
“Ahhhhh!!! When did you get here?!”
“What do you mean?! I was right behind you, talking to you for the past twenty minutes.”
“Oh. I didn’t hear you. Fergie had more important things to say to me than whatever it was that you had to say.”
“What!? Look, Mai. Just give me back my mojo.”
“No can do, boy. You lost that privilege a long time ago. I was just the one that happened to be there to take it away.”
“Privilege? How can it be a privilege to me if I haven’t even used it yet!?”
“Whaaat? You mean that you haven’t even used your privilege yet?”
“No Mai. You can look at it yourself. See, it still has a bright hue to it. And see how opaque and thick it looks? That’s because I haven’t used it yet. There hasn’t been a chance for it to water down yet.”
“Wow. You’re right. I started using my privilege in middle school. I haven’t stopped using it since. See my privilege? It’s all wrinkly and loose, and has that battle scarred aura emitting from it. You wouldn’t believe all the times I had to use my privilege to get a job. It’s come to be my very close and personal friend.”
“Wow, Mai. I had no idea.”
The two teens (well, actually Mai is 24) are now caught staring at each other. Neither of the two seems to get all the M-rated material that was just suggested and will most likely land the narrator in jail, to be paired up as a ballet partner with Bubba the Initiator. Instead, the two blondes seem more interested in other M-rated material that will also land the narrator a lifelong gig as Bubba the Initiator’s buck fuddy.
“I don’t know what the narrator just said because I was too busy staring at your fake breasts, Mai.”
“I didn’t hear him either because I was staring at your less than stellar manmeat, Joey.”
“You know, maybe having a giant orgy is overrated.”
“Yeah. Maybe we can do something that involves...less of a crowd.”
By now, the actors are most definitely in heat, and so is the crew behind the cameras. The only exception is the narrator, since he knows what’s going to happen...maybe. We hope. Just as the two lean in for a euphoric, mind-blowing, literally tongue-in-cheek kiss, a cute little Dalmatian puppy comes bounding up to them, barking its lungs out. It stops to lick Joey’s face, then paw at Mai’s pseudo-melons (while acting like it’s trying to reach her face), then runs off, leaving the two horny Duelists bewildered.
“You know Mai, that could be a sign that we should do it doggie style.” remarks Joey, coyly.
I think we all know what work comes after this. That’s right, you guessed it. SMACK!!!
“Owwwww....”
“Pervert. Who do you think you are, Pegasus?”
Before Joey has time to answer, the dragon that was chasing the poor dog from the Land of Puppies and Three-Legged Lizards comes in and announces its arrival.
“Ah-hem. Do-re-mi. The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain. Okay, that’s good enough. RRRRAAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRR!”
By this time, Mai and Joy are already at second base.
“Did you hear something?” asks Mai.
Joey looks over his shoulder to see the massive dragon standing right there in front of him.
“Nope. I didn’t hear a thing. Certainly nothing deadly behind my back. Now let’s get back to untying the rest of that white blouse of yours and I can show you something deadly in
front of me.” Joey says with a grin.
Mai looks over Joey to see the dragon for herself.
“What the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks is wrong with you?! Are you constantly under the command of your alternative head?! You would rather get into my pants and get roasted alive now than wait awhile and live to see tomorrow?!”
“Yep.”
SMACKSMACKSMACK(ect.)
“Um, you guys? I’m a big, scary dragon over here. Would you, like, run away, screaming for your lives now? Pretty please?”
“Oh, okay.”
“AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!” scream the two idiots.
“RRRRRAAAAAAAWWWWWWWRRRRRR!!!!!!!” replies the polite, but menacing dragon.
The duo runs through the dungeon hallway, Mai with only her pants and bra on, and Joey going pantsless. The dragon is riding their rear, spewing fire at them. And as a sidenote: the dragon is male, 39 in human years, smoker, loves to read, write poetry, and charbroiling humans, and wants to find a female dragon that is the same. Eventually, Mai is running so hard that her bra falls off. Joey immediately reacts, which sends him flying towards the dragon at break-neck speed. The collision of the two knocks out the dragon. The survivors catch their breath before moving on. It is awhile before Joey says something.
“Hey, wait a minute. How could that last scene have happened if you stole my mojo?”
“Oh hon, I was just playing with you back then. There’s no such thing as stealing someone’s mojo.”
“But when I looked in my pants, it was all red, and puffy, and bleeding...”
“That’s because a dungeon crab came along and snipped at your bologna. And you’re allergic to crabs, remember?”
“Oh yeah, I am. But how did you know that’s what happened? When I woke up, you were nowhere in sight.”
“I saw it happen and I let it happen. I thought it was hilarious! Oh-ho-ho-ho!”
“You know, that laugh’s really retarded. No one laughs like that anymore. And I could’ve died! By a crab no less! And you were gonna just let it happen?!”
“Well of course not. If I killed you, then I’d be out of a good career. Hey, is that an exit?”
Sure enough, the endless hallway seemed to end in the near future.
“C’mon Mai, let’s go! Maybe we can find the others and finally get rid of this curse!”
“Wait!”
“What for?”
“Put your pants on first.”
“Only if you put something on to cover up your cocoanuts.”
Well, that was interesting. And what’s with me not having a major role in this chapter. I’m the freaking narrator! Fume, I say, fume! Did Mai
really steal Joey’s mojo? Was it all a dream sequence? Did Joey never use his privilege? We’ll probably never find out, so you’ll have to spend the rest of your days pondering over these questions until finally you get so worked up about it that you commit suicide. What fun! Up next is Tea and Yugi! So lets hope that the world doesn’t explode so that we can all read the next chapter of...Wacky Crazy Funny Silly Zany Party Fan Fic!
To be continued...
