Still

Still

Summary: Sometimes it helps to simply be and feel your life.
Disclaimer: I don’t own YGO.
Warning: Mmmm!


He felt him slide in, filling him. The pain burning but smoothing into pleasure as his throbbing heat hit him in just the right spot. He let out a moan, arching his body off of the mattress and calling out.

“Haga…”

They rocked together anxiously, desperately, sound muted in the darkness of the bedroom world, their whimpers and whines of passion filtering through.

He couldn’t believe it, it felt so good.

The mint haired boy had come over, wanting to say something wanting to do something, but they’d kissed and that led to other things.

His apartment was small he’d said. ‘I don’t care’ the other said. And before he knew it he was on his back, his dreams coming true.

Pressure built and Ryuzaki shook his head, not wanting it to end but wanting release so bad.

All it took was a single word, growled in his ear.

“Come.”

And he lost it.


And he woke up.

Panting, Ryuzaki whimpered softly, ashamed and groggy from his dream state passion, the fury of the storm outside illuminating his bed filled sleeping chamber. He fought tears and removed his hand from under the covers, familiar with the cooling wetness.

He’d done it again.

He’d tried going to women, he’d tried whores, and he’d tried relieving his own needs. But night after night this happened and it was hurting him on the inside.

Brown eyes gazed desperately at the clock. It was only three a.m. He needed a shower. He was sweating and he needed to feel clean again, the darkness sickening him, guilt riding up around him in his so called sanctuary.

A small hiss and water ran, at first cool, then warm and soothing. He closed his eyes to the spray and let his tears mingle with the on coming down pour.

“Haga…” he sobbed, damning his weakness with a fist against the wall. “You asshole you asshole you asshole!”

He’d gone by. Decided to give Bug Boy a late night visit when he was them. Kissing. Kissing like he’d always wanted to, kissing like he’d never kissed anyone before and he felt his heart rip three ways and fall.

Sure it was unrealistic of him to think that Haga knew his heart, let alone his mind. But wasn’t it just a bit too quick and convenient? Was it retaliation? Had Haga seen him watching? Was it his hair, maybe his clothes? Should he get rid of his hat?

That tall, dark, handsome bastard of a prep retard was stealing his love. And there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about it except cry in the shower and masturbate till it hurt.

All for naught.

His sobs ended in a moan and he was done shaming himself again. He hadn’t meant to, but the thoughts always came. He cleaned himself and left the shower, laying on his bed afterwards in a crisp white towel, the moonlit rain making patterns on his face.

Sometimes it was better to simply be.

He turned into his pillow and let the tears come as they always did, knowing that when the day light came, he wouldn’t be allowed to.

****

A thudding at the door came once, three times, and again and Haga got up, rubbing his eyes to answer.

Espa fell in and onto his floor, reeking of alcohol.

He checked the hall clock. Four thirty.

“Espa?”

The neon aqua haired boy pushed himself up, leaned against the wall, gazing at Haga as if he weren’t real.

“Baby…I had too much again…”

“I’m not your ‘Baby’. I told you it was over.”

Espa stood there, nodding, then shaking his head. “He just keeps using me Baby and I keep going back. I don’t know what to do…and he just got back and….” The boy lurched suddenly and Haga caught him, helping him inside.

“Who do you mean?” he noticed a bruise on Espa’s cheek and sighed, moving the boy’s long hair out of the way. “Is it –”

“Don’t. Don’t say his name. I don’t want a lecture. I want you tonight. Let’s go to bed.”

“It’s four in the morning. And no.”

They sat on the couch, Haga dozing off to sobs of anguish, waking again as he felt lips on his neck and hands teasing at his boxers.

“Please…for me…”

“Espa quit…I won’t…”

He placed Haga’s hand on his growing erection, kissing his mouth sloppily. “I just want to feel you…I need to forget about him…and everyone…”

“Espa…”

The boy’s tongue went in deeper and they kissed with a laziness, Haga giving into the boy though he knew he shouldn’t. Espa always did this and he always gave it and as the boy unzipped his pants and placed his heat into Haga’s cool fingers he moaned.

“Baby…” he pressed closer to Haga, wanting him, touching him all over.

Their kissing grew more heated as the insector jerked harder. Espa reached into Haga’s pants and pulled him to life, moaning and climbing on his lap.

“I want you, I’m sorry baby, I’m sorry….”

“Espa…” Haga breathed raggedly, his already fuzzy vision sparking as he grew closer. “Espa…”

They leaned into each other, suddenly needing each other.

“I don’t want you with him Baby…I still love you too…”

Haga moaned, nodding and jerking at his half-lover, flushed. Espa pulled at Haga, kissing him, tasting him.

“Tell me Haga, tell me…” he whimpered and began thrusting, mimicking something he knew he’d never get from the mint haired boy.

“I love you Espa…”

“Stay away from him…” he whined, coming suddenly and groaning in satisfaction.

Haga breathed in sharply and released onto both of them. He leaned onto the boy’s shoulder panting.

Espa hiccupped and stroked Haga’s cheek. “you’re mine, you’re mine…”

“yes.”

“you’re just not ready yet, but I’ll have you…”

“mm…”

Cool fingers ran down Haga’s back and he shook his head, feeling stupid.

It’s always this way…and then he’ll leave again…for months and months and come back to me…and we’ll do this again and I’ll love him for a while and then he’ll leave.

“Baby…”

“Hm?”

“Take care of me, I don’t feel good…”

Haga managed to pick him up and take him to the bathroom where Espa promptly threw up, Haga holding his hair and rubbing his back. After, he cleaned him up, watched him shower and laid him in his own bed, sleeping off the drink.

And he’s an angel now…ready to forget me when the sun rises… He lay beside him, clutching a lady bug plushie. But I have you now. I can’t love you anymore Espa. I’ll always care for you, but I can’t love you anymore…it’s killing me.

****

Ryuzaki looked at the clock. It was five approaching six. The sun was coming. His tears were gone.

It was another day. Time for him to forget and let go. He could return to this world later. Tomorrow morning before the sun rose.

He sat up.

“Time to go to school…”

****

Haga lay there for some time, not realizing his eyes had closed, opening them again to the weak grey sunlight of dawn.

He looked over at Espa and saw him. Truly saw him. The bruise on his face, the scars on his arm, the faint smell of booze a halo around him.

The spell was broken. There was no angel. Just a lost little boy who wanted the love he couldn’t give.

He breathed in and closed his eyes again, re-opening them to the light.

The lid was off.


* I really liked writing this chapter…
*I would like to thank Muzaki_Goddess for inspiring this fic.