Going On

Disclaimer – I own none of the characters or places in YuGiOh. Probably a good thing.

Author’s Notes – Another chapter, and the one many of you have been waiting for . . . the first meeting with Yugi. I hope you all find it satisfactory . . . it was one of the hardest chapters I’ve had to write so far. I want so badly to just let them make up . . . it’s a bitch writing angst sometimes.

Somebody asked me once what I listen to when I write. Well, for this I’ve found that I tend to listen to two specific songs . . . Save Yourself, by Stabbing Westward, and Figure .09 by Linkin Park. If you listen to them, you’ll understand why.

Anyway, enjoy!

Chapter 7 – Recurring Nightmare


Long after everyone had retreated to their rooms for the night, sleeping away the shock’s the day had brought, Yami remained awake. Staring out at the deepening dark by a window in the den, his hand pressed against the cool glass, he pondered the day’s revelations in his mind.

That his friends did not blame him for what Kage had done to them was wondrous and unexpected, but it changed very little. Perhaps it was because he was wary of opening himself up to that kind of hurt again that he still held himself apart from them. Their acceptance of him had given him back some measure of peace, but it could not completely banish the guilt he carried for what had happened . . . nor could it give him complete assurance that it would not happen again.

Kage was out there, somewhere, planning his moves with all the precision of a game master, and Yami had no inkling of what he was after this time. It was assured that Yugi would be one of his targets, but what else did his demonic shadow have planned? What dangers would Kage throw at them during this second rampage for vengeance?

There was also the torment in his soul, the questions that no one could answer, not even himself. What kind of monster was he, that he could have harbored such darkness within him? As much as he had wished to have his memories returned to him, now he feared that knowledge, afraid that it would show him a past that was immersed in blood shed and evil deeds. He’d regained a little bit of his memories, but only general stuff . . . nothing that would show him what he’d been like before.

And what of Yugi? His little light . . . the person most precious to him in all of the world . . . what would happen when he faced his aibou once again? The crimson eyes rose to study the ceiling. Somewhere up above, Yugi slept, unaware that he was so nearby. Marik had claimed Yugi missed him, that his aibou was desperate to see him again. But did Yugi even realize what his return could mean for them? Would Yugi still fear him, as he had before?

He dreaded that meeting even more than he had feared the one that had taken place this evening. Yugi had been, and still was, more than simply ‘a friend’. They had shared a body . . . their souls had been practically united in a way that could never have naturally occurred. Was his aibou disgusted that he had been so close to one so dark? Such an innocent and pure soul, bound eternally to one so dark and tainted with evil . . . what damages had been inflicted that had yet to have been uncovered?

The questions tormented him, because there were no easy answers to any of them. Every path before him was dark and led only to the inevitable pain of a soul torn asunder. And he could find no path that would be easier than the other. No matter what happened, the pain would come . . . and he was not sure that he could survive any of it.

Staring out into the night, he pondered these questions . . . and felt the dark abyss of his own terrible fate reach out to engulf him.


*-------*-------*-------*-------*


Yugi awoke with a moan, curling onto his side as the nightmares left him drained. Even in sleep, he could not find peace . . . not as long as the gulf that separated him from his yami remained. Where was Yami now? Was he asleep, deep within his own nightmares and memories, or was he awake as Yugi was, wishing they could find some way to bridge the darkness that separated them? Was Yami even thinking of him . . . or was he trying not to?

He rose slowly, going to the washroom that was attached to the room he was in, splashing cold water on his face to try and rid himself of the last vestiges of fear the nightmare had left with him. He glanced up into the mirror and froze . . . was this haggard and drawn face with huge amethyst eyes rimmed in black circles really him?

He knew what had done this to him . . . the fact that Yami did not wish to see him. No matter what Marik had said, the doubts lingered. Did Yami still love him? Or had that faded with the pain he had caused his other self? It was his fault that Yami’s darkness had become so strong and violent . . . Yami had locked that part of himself away to protect him, setting into motion the events that had transpired. And Kage had said that it was HIS love and what it had done to Yami that had allowed him to break free. Did Yami despise him for that?

These worries were irrational, but they plagued him none the less. How could Yami not want to see him? He’d always been the strong one . . . Yugi was the weak one, the one that needed protection and guidance. Yami couldn’t possibly be afraid of seeing him again . . . could he?

Sighing, Yugi shut off the lights and made his way out of the room and down the stairs to the den. The mansion was silent . . . everyone was asleep, it seemed. His thoughts surrounded him like a dark cloud, and he wished they could simply go back in time and prevent any of this from happening. In silence he drifted into the den, and froze as he felt a presence within the room.

Yami had turned upon hearing footsteps upon the stair, frozen as he watched his beloved aibou drift towards the room in which he was standing. Moving for a dark corner of the room, away from the windows and the glittering moonlight they allowed entrance, he wrapped the shadows around him, hiding himself from sight. Just to look upon Yugi would be enough . . . to assure himself that his aibou was well, and dream the dreams of what might have been. He was surprised when Yugi froze in the doorway, shrinking back as the amethyst eyes examined the room before the youth relaxed and moved silently for the windows, coming to stand in the exact spot he had just abandoned.

‘I’m being foolish,’ Yugi thought dryly as he saw no one within the den. ‘Everyone is asleep . . . it’s my loneliness wishing someone was here to keep me from my thoughts.’ He couldn’t shake the feeling of being watched, but he chalked it up to paranoia. After all, with Kage on the loose again, was anywhere really safe?

“I wish you were here with me, Yami,” he whispered, pressing his hand to the cool glass, staring at the reflection that was so much like his dark. “I wish I knew . . . if you did still love me.” He sighed. “I’m so sorry for what I’ve caused . . .”

The knife twisted in Yami’s heart at his aibou’s soft words. How could Yugi doubt his love? How could he blame himself for what had occurred? He nearly stepped forward, the desire to take Yugi in his arms and wipe that doubt and guilt away overwhelming, before he was stopped by Yugi speaking again.

“I wish I knew why I was so afraid,” the tri-haired youth said softly, closing his eyes. “I shouldn’t be . . . I know you would never hurt me. But did I ever know the real you? Is the Yami that I love the real you, or are you more like Kage than we ever would have thought?” He sighed, his breath fogging up the glass lightly. “I wish I knew . . .” His gaze arose to stare up at the sky, and he froze as the glint of crimson eyes caught him over his shoulder in the image of himself.

“I wish I knew that myself, aibou,” Yami murmured, stepping from the shadows. He couldn’t stand there and simply listen anymore . . . it was too heartbreaking to hear the doubts that his hikari harbored about him, doubts that echoed within him, mirroring the questions he had about himself. “But I cannot answer those questions for you nor for myself. All that I know is that I am the darkness and you are the light . . . and you should not be tainted with the evil that I am.” He turned to go, the pain within his heart nearly pulling him back into despair. It was over . . . Kage had won this battle. Enough damage had been done to Yugi . . . he would not add to it by staying any longer.

“Yami?” Yugi whispered, his heart in his throat. He turned around slowly, just in time to see his other turn to leave. Suddenly his doubts didn’t matter . . . Yami was leaving, and he couldn’t bear to lose his other again. “Please, don’t go. I can’t . . . I don’t want to watch you walk out of my life again.” He stepped towards his dark as the other man turned, the crimson eyes dark with pain as they met amethyst across the space between them. “You’re not evil . . . and light can’t exist without darkness. I need you, Yami. I . . . I love you.” He reached out, his eyes pleading with his other not to go.

“How can you still love me, young one?” Yami asked softly. “You do not even know that this is who I am . . . even I do not know that. How can you love me without knowing if this is me?” Yugi shook his head, taking another step towards his dark.

“I don’t know . . . but I do,” he replied just as softly. “You’re my yami . . . we’ve shared a soul. These questions . . . they can’t change that. I’ll always love you. Yami . . . these last two years without you have been hell. Don’t . . . don’t leave me alone again.”

“You were never alone, love,” the former Pharaoh murmured. “Marik and the others have always been there for you.” Another step was taken, trying to bridge the gap between them as he held those crimson eyes with his own amethyst gaze.

“It’s not the same, and you know that,” he said. “Everything . . . my whole life is empty without you beside me.” Another step brought him closer to his yami. “These questions I have . . . they’re in my mind, Yami. Not in my heart. In my heart, I know you . . . this is you. This will always be you to me.” Close enough to touch, one pale hand reaching out to rest on a tense arm, Yugi stared up into those beloved eyes and pleaded with him silently to believe him. “You always said to trust in the heart . . . not only of the cards, but of my own heart. And in my heart, I know that I need you and trust you . . . and that I love you.”

“Yugi . . .” the Pharaoh whispered, choking on the pain and longing that welled up within him. The words were stopped before they had even begun, one pale finger resting gently against his lips, silencing him.

“Don’t think, Yami . . . feel. That’s the only way we’ll ever get through this,” Yugi said softly. He stepped around the trembling form until he stood in front of his dark. “We can beat this together . . . trust in that. We can’t let Kage win.” Yami shivered as Yugi drew his finger gently away, trailing it over soft flesh with a touch as light as a breath of air. “I won’t be separated from you again.”

“Aibou . . . please . . .” he murmured, and then all attempts at reason were lost beneath the touch of petal soft lips upon his, a body pressed closely against him, hands coming up to cradle his face between them as crimson eyes closed, unable to bear the trusting amethyst that gazed into them. The wet caress of Yugi’s tongue against his bottom lip, seeking entrance, drove any lingering reservations from his mind, and he opened to the welcome invasion, his arms coming up to bracket the body so close to his, cradling his aibou closer to his heart.

Yugi felt a brief surge of panic as Yami held him closer, but he stomped on it ruthlessly as he tasted his dark for the very first time. He could only equate the taste of his other with smoke and mystery, shadow made substance. Something in his soul clicked back into place silently, a missing piece of him that he had longed for desperately for two long years. Yami’s skin was warm beneath his fingers, silken smooth to the touch as he cupped his love’s face in his hands, pressing closer into that warmth.

“Yami . . .” He moaned as warm lips left his, trailing down the side of his neck lovingly, feather light kisses on oversensitive flesh as his head dropped back to give Yami better access. He had never dreamed it would feel like this . . . had never imagined his dark’s touch could ignite such a burning fire within him. He had never felt anything like this before . . .

Teeth grazed the pulse at the base of his throat, and he froze as Kage flashed before his eyes, the night that had changed his life, the fear and horror welling up within him suddenly. He was unable to stop the reaction that followed, breaking away from Yami with a gasp as panic flooded through him.

Yami felt the sudden tightening of muscles, and had already released him when Yugi backed away, shaking his head and moaning.

“No,” he moaned, clutching at his head. “Why now . . . why can’t I forget what he did to me?” He found that he was shivering uncontrollably, and wrapped his arms around himself to try and still the violent reaction. A sudden movement from his other brought his head up sharply, and he met the crimson gaze with wide, hurting amethyst eyes, his heart aching within him at the pain in those garnet orbs. “Yami . . .” He reached out to comfort his dark, to tell him that it was not his fault, and stopped when Yami shied away from him.

“Do not touch me, young one,” his dark whispered, wrapping his arms around himself in an eerie echo of Yugi’s own stance. “If you touch me now, I will not be able to bear it.” He looked away, crimson eyes darkened, the life within them muted by pain. “Nothing has changed, aibou,” he said softly. “There is still fear in your heart . . . and I will not cause it to grow.” As suddenly as he had appeared, he was gone, leaving only the harsh sound of his shoes on the wooden floor as he ran.

“I don’t fear you . . .” Yugi whispered. “I don’t . . .” He collapsed to his knees slowly, sobbing as he felt the lack of conviction his words held. “I love you,” he sobbed. But in his heart, he wondered if that love would really be enough to overcome the lingering nightmares that clutched him in their icy grasp.