Chimamire Namida

Chimamire Namida Ch. 6 - "Kyofu soshite Tsumi"
By Shawna
A/N: Thanks to rayemars and Shonen Jump magazine for telling me that Jou's first name is Katsuya. I had it backwards. Sorry. Past chapters have been edited to reflect my new-found knowledge and Jou will henceforth be called "Katsuya.". ^-^ However, Shonen Jump is also telling me that I have Seto's name backwards as well, that his first name is Kaiba and Seto is his family name. Well, too bad. I'm sticking with Kaiba as the last name.

 
At about the same time that Mokuba was falling into a fitful sleep, having vomited his guts up for some time and missing Ayumi before she left, Ayumi was closing the door to her bathroom at home behind her, and bending over the toilet hurriedly before retching, bringing back up everything she had eaten since lunch. Her throat burned and her head reeled; she hoped it would be over soon. After awhile, it was over, and with her stomach now empty, she slumped weakly to the rug on the floor. Tears squeezed from the corners of her eyes, streaking down her face and into the fibers of the rug. She buried her face in her hands and wept.
She did not know how long she lay there until a sharp rap on the door disturbed her from her near-doze.
"Ayumi?" Miaka's voice came through the door. "What are you doing in there? You've been in there forever. Get out and get to bed, you have school tomorrow, you know."
"Okay," Ayumi called back softly. She put the lid of the toilet down and flushed it, rising slowly and bending over the sink. She stared at her reflection in the mirror; her eyes were puffy and red, she looked haggard and sick. Shaking her head, she leaned down and splashed water over her face, rinsing out her mouth while she was at it, before trudging out into the hall and down to her room.
No sooner had she laid down in her bed and pulled the covers up over her head, then her cell phone rang. She groaned and reached down, fumbling through her backpack in the darkness, until she found the tiny device. She accepted the call without bothering to check who it was.
"What?" She asked, dispensing with any formalities.
"Are you okay, Ayumi?"
For a moment, she did not know who it was, and then it came to her with sudden clarity: Seto.
"You looked really bad when you were leaving. If you're feeling guilty, I'm sorry, but don't say anything to your mother, or anyone else. I really don't need any of that stuff getting around."
Ayumi's mouth dropped open in spite of herself. Seto's voice had assumed his imperative tone, he was giving her a command to keep her mouth shut. He was not asking if she was okay because he cared at all.
"I wouldn't say anything to anyone," she said softly, and then with more force, "Why would I want anyone to know what I did with you? I'm ashamed enough as it is, without having anyone else know." She disconnected the call.
The phone started to ring again before she had even set it down, so she pressed the power button and turned it off before returning it to her backpack. Nevertheless, it was quite some time before she fell into a light, uneasy sleep.
Seeing Katsuya at school the next day was awkward, but only for her. Katsuya came up with his usual easy smile, as if nothing at all had changed or occurred between the two of them.
"Hi Ayumi," he said, but did not stop, merely breezing past her. For a moment, this took her aback, and then she tried to tell herself that it was better; she did not want to talk to him anyway. But nevertheless this snub hurt her, and she wondered if it meant anything or if he was perhaps just in a hurry.
Katsuya hurrying to class? Not likely, her mind said coldly. She shook this thought away quickly; even Katsuya might decide to be serious at school now and then. With continued assurances that Katsuya had not abandoned his affection for her, Ayumi made her way to class, taking her seat in front of Yugi Motou. Obviously, she looked distressed despite her attempts to calm herself, and Yugi noticed.
"Is something wrong, Katana-san? You look a little bit pale. Are you feeling alright?"
Ayumi sighed. "I'm fine, Motou-san," she said softly, trying to be convincing but fully aware that she was failing miserably on that count. "I'm just tired."
Not to her surprise, Yugi looked skeptical. "Okay," he said slowly. "I know we don't know each other that well, but you can always talk to me if you want. I wouldn't tell anyone."
Ayumi faked a smile. "Thank you, Motou-san. I'll keep that in mind."
But Ayumi forgot about Motou as soon as she turned around and buried herself in her thoughts again. She felt dirty all over, and there was a bad taste in her mouth that reminded her of what she had done; what she had been forced to do.
Forced to do? Was that what had happened? Could the whole thing have been considered rape? Telling herself it had been rape might assuage her guilt. If it had not been her fault, then she had no reason to feel guilty. But it would not take away the tainted feeling, the thought that she had lost something important. I’m still a virgin, she told herself, and this was true. Her innocence, her purity were gone though. Rape. had had been forced.
But I knew what to say to make it stop, and I didn’t say it. I just let it happen. This was also true. Though she had not totally wanted it, she had gone along with it. And who was she trying to tease? She had enjoyed it and had let it happen because it was thrilling, it felt good, it threw her into an ecstasy of feeling and emotion. For the first time in her life, she had felt beautiful and desirable, with Katsuya and Seto paying attention to her.
There was nothing beautiful about it, though. She had done something dirty, something wrong. She could not do it again, could not let it go farther than it had, which at this pace, it inevitably would. It had to be stopped.
It might have ended there, and Ayumi would have saved herself a lot of pain, but Katsuya was not yet satisfied. He had set out to get Ayumi into bed and was not going to stop with just a blowjob. Never mind that his desire for Ayumi had waned a bit; he had said he was going to nail her and so he had to do it. Backing down was not an option, it never was in Katsuya's life. Once he had said he was going to do something, it had to be done.
And so after that school that day, Katsuya came up behind Ayumi and gave her a hard smack on the backside. She squealed in surprise and pain and a few people turned to regard her quizzically, having not seen Katsuya's vulgar action. She blushed and shrugged until everyone had gone back to their own business. Then she whirled on Katsuya.
"What was that for?" She hissed.
"Nothing," he said with a grin. "Come over to Seto's tomorrow, right after school. He'll be home and we can all have some fun."
"Will Mokuba be there? We shouldn't if he's home..."
Katsuya laughed. "No, Seto's going to ditch the kid with a friend for the afternoon. The whole house will be ours." He grinned lasciviously.
Tell him no, you won’t be there, you’ll never do any of that stuff again…
But instead she said, “Okay.”
"See you tomorrow afternoon, then," he said, moving away from her. She noticed that he was heading towards Seto, the two of them were obviously going to go home together. Abruptly, she felt like an intruder in their relationship, but that was all wrong. She had not forced herself into their relationship; they had pulled her, bound, into it. None of this was her fault. She assured herself of this and headed towards where her mom was in the car waiting for her, ready to tell her that Seto needed a babysitter tomorrow right after school.
"She's coming tomorrow," Katsuya told Seto with a grin. "I told you. And tomorrow will be the day. I'll fuck her senseless and then we can just cut her out."
"You think your lust will be completely satisfied with just one go?" Seto asked, but he already knew the answer. Katsuya's burning desires could be quenched that easily.
"Of course!" Katsuya said, laughing as he climbed into Seto's limo.
"So, you're going to strip the petals from her virginal flower and then just toss her aside? That seems kind of cruel."
Katsuya eyed Seto. "Since when have you ever been offended by cruelty? Don't forget what you did to me Seto, how this relationship got started. We fuck now because you were cruel back then."
Seto shrugged and said nothing, because Katsuya was right. He should be the last one to talk about cruelty in a sexual sense.
"We share our pleasure," Katsuya said, looking out the window instead of at Seto. "And," he added quietly. "We share our pain. That's all I'm doing."
The next day was overcast, gloomy, but strangely rainless. Mokuba stared out his window at the clouds as he rode in the back of the limo next to Seto.
"I don't want to spend the afternoon with Ishida-san. She's so boring. Why can't Katana-san just come to our house and watch me?"
Seto would not meet his younger brother's eyes, which had turned to him. "Katana-san is busy today, and Ishida-san doesn't want to come to our house, so you get to go to hers. You used to love going to her house. I thought you liked her cats."
"I do like her cats," Mokuba said. "I would just rather stay home today."
"Why?" Seto said, turning his eyes to Mokuba now. "You're always at home."
"I haven't been feeling well," Mokuba said, and now it was he who turned away. "And besides, I miss Katana-san. I like her a lot better than Ishida-san."
Seto hated lying to his brother, especially because it always seemed that Mokuba knew that what he was being told was untrue, but could not bring himself to accuse his brother of anything. Passing a hand over his face, Seto sighed. "I'm sorry, Mokuba, but it's just one afternoon. You'll last, and I bet you'll even have a good time."
"I bet you'll have an even better time," Mokuba muttered.
Seto's head snapped up. "What? What do you mean by that?"
"Nothing," Mokuba said irritably, turning his head around, back towards the window. Seto repeated his question, but Mokuba had apparently decided that he was not speaking to Seto for the time being.
After dropping off the reluctant and brooding Mokuba at Ishida-san's home, Seto returned to his own house. He went quickly to his bedroom, where he had told Katsuya to wait for him, expecting to find him already fucking the sense out of Ayumi. Instead, Katsuya just had her down on the bed, fully clothed. He was on top of her, trying to get a hand under her skirt, but she kept pushing him away. She looked afraid, upset, but was flushed and panting nevertheless.
"Alright, that's enough you two," Seto said imperatively, taking on the persona Katsuya would call "Kacho." Katsuya had begged him to command Ayumi to fuck him, if he had not already done so when Seto arrived. For a moment, Seto toyed with the idea of having Ayumi fuck him instead, but he had already promised Katsuya he could have her, and after all, it had been Katsuya who had drawn Ayumi into all of this. It would not be fair of Seto to take her now, when Katsuya had been the one who wanted her first, when Seto was still convinced that she was nothing more than a snotty little girl.
Katsuya rose off of Ayumi, grinning at Seto. "Welcome home, Kacho," he said happily, going quickly to Seto and wrapping his arms around him, thrusting his tongue into the taller boy's mouth. Seto kissed him back briefly, and then pushed him gently aside. Ayumi's eyes were fixed on Seto, her lips were slackly parted, inviting. He leaned over her and pressed his lips to hers, his tongue sliding easily into her mouth. At first, she was still, and then her tongue came up to his, playing against it.
Katsuya wrapped his arms around Seto's waist and pulled him back from Ayumi, obviously jealous. He kissed Seto deeply again before speaking. "We were waiting for you. What do you want to do today?" Katsuya's hands went to Seto's belt, undoing the buckle and starting to bring down his zipper. Seto caught Katsuya's wrist in his hand, stopping him with a steady gaze.
"There's a girl over there who needs our attention," Seto said, loud enough for Ayumi to hear. Katsuya smiled knowingly.
"Of course."
They both turned towards her, in an almost predatory fashion, their eyes full of lust and hunger. Fear pricked into Ayumi at those eyes; she had a vision of Katsuya thrusting into her hard, tearing away her virginity. Blood flowed down her thighs. She shook away this image, but the fear remained. She was not ready for this. Before she could react to her increased apprehension, though, Katsuya had come down atop her again.
"Beautiful Ayumi-chan," he whispered into her hair, and she felt the familiar warm sensation. Katsuya flattered her, made her feel wanted. He showered her with affection; did she not owe it to him to sleep with him? He could please her, it would feel good, it would be perfect like in the movies... She should let him make love to her.
Katsuya's hands went to the buttons of her blouse, he had them undone and the shirt open in record time. One of his hands slid under her skirt, teasing the skin where her thighs were still tightly pressed together. Instinctively, she pressed her thighs even harder against each other, but Katsuya forced his knee between her legs and opened them to his exploring hand. She cried out and he pressed his open mouth down on hers.
Seto stood above them, watching the way Ayumi kept trying to keep Katsuya out, but, after a little prodding, relented to him. At that rate, Katsuya could press his advantage all the way until he was burying himself in her while she screamed in pain (Seto knew full well that Katsuya did not know how to be gentle) and then she would be tossed aside in Katsuya's thoughts, they would all return to Seto. He imagined Ayumi crying, feeling betrayed and raped. The way Seto had felt once, years before...
Ayumi opened her eyes when Katsuya drew his mouth from hers, and pressed it to her neck. He was still stroking her with one of his hands, and one of his fingers had moved down, seeking entrance. The urge to please Katsuya was strong, but her innate need to preserve herself was strong as well. She took a deep breath, relaxing herself, deciding to let Katsuya go ahead, to possess her. She told herself that was what she wanted.
It was then that she looked up and saw Seto watching them. The look on Seto's face was utterly heartbreaking. His eyes were faraway, as if he was remembering something terribly painful. Another emotion rose up in her, surging through her veins, and before she even knew that she was going to say it, the word was out.
"Owaru."
Katsuya froze. "What?" He asked against Ayumi's chest.
"Owaru," she repeated.
Katsuya lifted his head. "Why?" He demanded. "For fuck's sake, Ayumi, you can't keep building me up like this and then saying that."
"Katsuya, you know the rules. She can say it whenever she likes." Seto had brought himself back to the present and spoken, glaring at Katsuya. For a moment, Katsuya stayed where he was, his eyes burning with rage, and then he hoisted himself off of Ayumi. It seemed he would storm out of the room, but Seto grabbed his wrist and sat him down on the bed, his hands going to Katsuya's pants and pulling them down. He kissed Katsuya deeply, and wrapped his hand around him. Katsuya's hips bucked, he cried out weakly.
"Kacho," he moaned, as Seto began to stroke him before pushing his tongue back into Katsuya's mouth. Ayumi pulled her shirt closed, moved to get off the bed. She glanced at Seto and Katsuya, and saw that Seto's eyes were wide open, even in the middle of the kiss, and that he was looking right at her. She could not read his expression, but there was something familiar in those blue eyes, a pain that they both knew.
For a moment, she stared, returning that meaningful gaze. Then Seto cut off their connection, he closed his eyes. Ayumi got off the bed, listening to Katsuya moan. She left the room quickly, fleeing down the stairs.
What am I doing? She asked. I want Katsuya to like me, I have to let him take me. He’ll please me… we’re in love. People in love sleep together. That’s the way things are. But she could not convince herself. Every time she came close with Katsuya, he made her afraid. He was rough and quick, and she did not want it that way. He cared about her, did he not? She should hold out, he would become gentle.
Maybe I’m fooling myself. Maybe he doesn’t care about me at all.
This thought stopped her dead in her tracks in the hallway. Her eyes opened wide. No, no that could not be. He had to care about her, he had told her he loved her. People did not drop those three words if they did not mean them. He had to love her. She could not accept that he did not.
Ayumi could not deal with this. She went out the door, and ran down the driveway. She knew she should call her mother, but Miaka would be suspicious about the short amount of time she had spent at Kaiba’s house. Ayumi was not sure where she could go, but home was not an option. She ran out the front gate, feeling confused and lost.

*To Be Continued.*