Not This Time
Realizations, Pt. II
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Chapter Five
– Realizations, Pt. II
“Seto, please…”
I start to walk around the desk toward him, sitting there on the floor, his
back pressed to the wall. He looks toward me with fear.
“I said stay away
from me!” He tries to move backward more, but he’s already against the wall and
has nowhere else to go. “Don’t come near me!”
I freeze. He
doesn’t really remember. He doesn’t remember how much I love him… just the
pain. He just remembers dying at my hands hundreds of times… And he’s afraid of
me. I’ve never wanted him to fear me, not in this life or any other. It breaks
my heart to see it.
I crouch to his
level beside the desk as he stares at me. “Please, Seto, try to remember…”
“It’s never
different!” he yells. “I remember that!” Those familiar blue eyes are widened
with terror of me… I don’t think I’ve ever even seen him afraid, and he’s
terrified.
“Don’t be afraid
of me…” I whisper, holding a hand toward him. He shrinks away slightly.
“Please, don’t be afraid of me… I never meant it…”
He closes his
eyes, separating his present life from his past ones. I watch him take a deep,
calming breath, before he opens his eyes. I can see the Seto Kaiba hardness
there, but he can’t help but be afraid. How can he do otherwise? After
everything I’ve done to him…
“Please, try to
remember more,” I say calmly, watching him intently, giving no sign of my
desperation. “Remember more than the pain, the times you’ve died at my hand or
my order… Remember the promises… the promise you always make me make…” I watch
his eyes. The memories are almost breaking through, but he’s fighting them. Of
course he is. He can’t stand to try to believe anything that he can’t prove,
anything that may upset his carefully constructed and protected view of the
world. That’s why he has so consistently refused to believe in anything I tell
him, about
about his past incarnations, about even something as relatively unimportant as
the Heart of the Cards. Something has happened to him to make him think that
believing in those things would drive him insane… or would mean that he was
already going insane. And anyone who protects their sanity
that viciously… can’t have a lot of it left.
Am I hurting
him, I wonder suddenly. Am I hurting him by trying to help him – make him –
remember me? What if it does drives him over whatever edge he’s perched upon?
That would be the cruelest punishment the universe could deliver. I should
leave him now, never see him again, never risk that
fate. But I can’t. I can’t deprive myself of any opportunity to see him, to
even look upon his face, let alone be this close to him.
“This is not
happening!” he says suddenly, closing his eyes and turning away. “This is all
just another damned dream – you’ll tell me you love me then you’ll kill me
somehow and promise it will be different next time but IT NEVER IS!”
“Seto…” His pain
is my pain. I feel all of the sorrow and anger and denial he feels stab my
heart. I’m kneeling in front of him now, cupping his face gently to make him
look at me. His skin is soft… “Seto, I’m so sorry. Those dreams… they all
happened. They’re all memories of other lives… I always kill you, and I’m so
sorry…”
I feel tears
prick my eyes again. Again, just as every time I lose him. I have lost him
again, I think. This time for eternity. He would
rather drive himself insane and repress these memories than face them, the pain
in them. He refuses to remember me, though I won’t hurt him this time. I know I
won’t… we’ve already passed that, and we both survived…
He stares at me,
for some reason staring into my eyes. I see his memories, his need for my and
my love, and his need for stability and sanity in his life warring with each
other. Part of him wants to believe me. Part of him would rather die.
“It’s okay…” I
whisper, still holding his face. “I’ll never hurt you again…”
Wary, hesitantly
hopeful blue eyes search my face. The part of him that remembers wants to
believe me, wants to overcome whatever has happened to him in this lifetime and
be with me, but that part of him that knows only the pain and death I’ve caused
him is fighting it, would rather kill one or both of us. He is losing this
battle; a part of him is winning, but that means discarding another part, and I
don’t know if he can do that.
“I promise.”
Something breaks
in his eyes, and he sighs and collapses. At first I think that he’s passed out
rather than choose, but he lets his head fall against my shoulder, burying his
face in my neck. His hands go lightly to my waist as he leans on me; I wrap my
arms around him. He decided to accept it… me… He’s overcome the hard, scared
part of him and accepted me… I knew the promise would affect him. He’s always
had a weakness for promises. How he could trust my word, I have no idea… After
all the times I promised it would be different, and I broke that promise… But
now I’ve finally kept it.
“I’m so sorry…”
I whisper into his hair, holding him, rubbing his bent back lightly. “I love
you so much…”
He says nothing,
just holds onto me tightly.