This Is My Chance

WISHFUL THINKING

“So what do you want to do this weekend?” I asked, flipping through some movies. I had made Tristan let me stay at his house for the weekend, not wanting him to spend it alone. It would do no good.

“I don’t care.” He shrugged. It was hard keeping him busy but I had to. Every time he had time to think he would grow saddened and distant again and it would take me hours to get him feeling okay again. I wanted to be there for him. I wanted to take his mind off of Joey for good. I didn’t care if it was partly for selfish reasons—why shouldn’t I want him?

It was late Friday night as we sat watching some comedy. I sat next to Tristan, not really paying attention to the film, just listening to him when he would laugh at something or smile. I just wanted him to be happy and hearing him laugh, it made me think that things could work okay. That he could get over all this and move on. Maybe I could stand a chance then.

Pretty soon he drifted off, I looked over to him as he slept, the light from the TV flickering across his face. I wondered if he would notice if I kissed him?

I felt a little ashamed by the thought. But I couldn’t help it. I’d wanted this for so long. And here it was, a chance right in front of me. Even if it would go unnoticed—it may be the only chance I ever got. I licked my lips in anticipation, whispering his name. It got no response. I hesitantly reached by hand down to lightly stroke his face, still nothing. I felt my heart begin to race. Just a quick one I told myself.

Carefully, I lowered myself down, placing a soft kiss on his lips. That small kiss, it made my heart jump. I kept my lips there, savoring the feeling of his pressed against mine, his breath hitting my lips with each slow exhale.

But quickly, I had to jerk back when he moved slightly.

“Mmm…Joey.” He whispered in his sleep, smiling. My heart sank at his words. Joey…

Of course it was Joey.

XxXxX

The next morning I awoke to someone banging on the door. I lazily rubbed my eyes, disoriented from the frantic pounding and constant chiming of the door bell.

Tristan gave a groan, covering his head with his pillow.

“I’ll get it.” I yawned, shuffling to the door.

My eyes narrowed as I saw who it was, cracking the door open just enough to squeeze outside. I didn’t want Tristan to know who it was. I stepped outside, crossing my arms and waiting for him to speak.

“Can I talk to Tristan?” Joey asked, confused by my presence.

I shook my head, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

He scoffed, trying to push past me. “Look, Duke, I need to make sure he’s okay!”

I pushed him back, not hard but enough to get the message across. “I’m taking care of it, it would just be better if you left him alone.” I firmly spoke.

He paused, looking past me and then back at me again. He nodded, “Okay, Duke. Just…make sure he’s okay.”

I nodded, watching him as he left. I sighed, quietly stepping back into the house.

“Who was it?” Tristan shouted from the living room. I tensed.

“Um…just a salesman!” I shouted back, relaxing when he accepted the story with a grumble of annoyance at being bothered so early in the morning.

“Yeah, but I just told ‘em to fuck off!” I lied with a fake laugh, falling into the chair next to him.

Tristan gave an amused grin, staring at me. “I’m glad you’re here.” He said.

I felt my face heating up, “Me too.” I grinned.

XxXxXxX

I felt more happy than I had in a long time just being with him all weekend. We didn’t really do anything—go anywhere, but I didn’t want it any other way. I just wanted to be with him—spend time with him. I felt my feelings growing for him impossibly more. It made me just about sick how much you could care about someone and them not even realize. I hated this, waking up every day and thinking of nothing else. That feeling following me throughout the day.

But being with him…it made me feel like nothing else. It sounds so stupid when I say it. People would say its crazy to say you love someone so much without them even knowing. I can’t imagine the bliss I would feel if it was, but even without it, I love him more than anything else in the world. And I don’t care if its stupid or wrong or if he never knows, cause I can’t change it.

Sunday I felt like Tristan was really starting to feel better, he started talking and joking again. That night we sat in the living room catching up on homework, being stupid and making fun of the limp Yugi had that day.

“Seriously though,” Tristan said between laughs, “Yami has to be hung like a racehorse. I’ve never seen someone walk so bow-legged!”

“Yeah I know!” I laughed, shaking my head.

“Whew…man, you know, I’ve never gotten a limp from sex. Not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.” He chuckled. “Have you?”

“What? Oh…” I blushed, “Um…no, no I don’t…” I stuttered.

“Oh? That bad huh?” Tristan joked, elbowing me.

“No, I just…”

“What?”

“Well, I’m a…a virgin.” I awkwardly confessed.

“Ohhh.” Tristan grinned. “I didn’t know that. What you waiting for?”

I shrugged, my heart racing. I could say it now. Say what I really thought, or I could lie again.

“I’m just waiting for someone special.” I said.

“Uh-huh.” Tristan said, flipping his textbook as I spoke. I watched him with wide eyes, each sentence spoken in hesitation.

“Like someone I know really well.”

“Yeah.” He flipped another page, scanning.

“A friend.”

“Right.” I took a deep breath, my heart about to explode.

“Someone that maybe doesn’t know how much…how much they mean to me….someone…someone who is my best friend and who…” It finally dawned on Tristan who I was speaking about. His eyes went wide, the book slowly falling to his lap as he stared at me.

I swallowed hard, waiting for him to speak. I felt my face heat up, looking down as I fiddled with the hem of my shirt.

“Please say something.” I whispered through the heavy silence. He started to speak, cutting off his words and starting again.

“Duke I—“ He started before stalling again.

I blinked away the tears I felt, nodding my head. “It’s okay.” I shrugged, keeping my eyes downcast. “I get it.” I said, quickly getting up and grabbing my bag.

“Duke.” Tristan sighed.

I didn’t want him to see my face, I kept it cast down as I left.

“I’ll see you tomorrow okay?” I tried to sound cheerful as I closed the door behind me.

I shouldn’t have said those things. He should have never known. It was too soon. It hurt…I hurt so bad. He didn’t feel the same. He couldn’t even say anything.

He couldn’t even say anything…

AN: Poor little Dukey! Kay guys I've been sick and had to miss my trip to Paris so I need some cheering up! :( Love you all! xxoo

REVIEW REPLIES:

tatiana: yay for chocolate and cookies! :) i'm happy to hear that. :) thank you for your reviews-

rukia: oh no i knew what you meant, i wasn't offended sorry if i made it sound that way! :) lol tristans' head made of cheese...*sigh* that'd be great. :D

blackgargie: too bad he couldn't have gotten away with snogging but i suppose i've written him too modest and gentleman-y to snog a poor helpless soul ;)

calcifer: thank you so much! i'm always happy to hear people enjoy the interconnectedness as it is something i've tried really hard to work and have continuity too. :) thanks for reviewing!

annieme: i know the feeling too sadly. :( stupid love. *kicks bucket* nice idea on the title going back to dice rolling too, didn't think of it as that as well. :)

Mishiko Shinsei: thank you so much for your nice review! i'm always so happy to hear people like it and getting reviews from people that maybe haven't reviewed in the past just letting me know that they are enjoying them regardless :) i hope you continue to enjoy the story!

potionspet: *tips hat* thank you :D