Affectionate Thoughts In A Disturbed Mind

Disclaimer – I still don’t own them. I’m not making any money off of this, although it would be nice, because I suspect getting into Bakura’s head like this is going to leave some really interesting side effects . . . as if I wasn’t already there as it is.

Author’s Notes – Well, after a week spent in bed with barely enough energy to get up to check on my own favorite reading materials every now and then, I’m back at work on the keyboard. Did I mention that the stomach flu is a bitch?

Anyway, here’s another chapter. I thought about ending it with this chapter, but there is just SO much more Bakura torture that I can do with this . . . I think this will be around for a bit longer. Hope you all continue to enjoy it.

On a side note, my website has been updated. You can find it at www geocities.com/ draconyx1/ Index html. I’ve redone my fanart pages and all my current fictions are now posted, so if you like my writing that much , slide over there to see all that I’ve done.

And, as usual, if you would like to be added to my fanlisting, so that you get regular emails when I update or when I start a new story, email me at draconyx1 at hotmail.com. Or add it in your review.

Chapter 4 –


Lying beside Ryou, his pale, soft skin pressed against the length of my body, I can only wonder what we’ve done. Strong, supple arms remain wrapped around my neck, and one leg pins mine down haphazardly . . . he knows I want to run, and he’s unconsciously making sure that I can’t. Smart little brat, isn’t he?

A soft sigh, and the shift of skin against skin as he snuggles closer, shivering slightly in the cool air. I know there’s a blanket around here somewhere . . . ahh, there it is. Must have landed on the floor at some point during our . . . well, hell, what do I call it? Sex? It was more than that . . . I’m man enough to admit it. I think. Oh, fuck, I don’t know . . . Ra, I hate being this confused.

Back to the blanket . . . that’s something nice and easy to concentrate on. Wiggle around, snag it with my fingers, pull it onto the bed, and cover Ryou with it. Well, that means covering myself as well, but I’ll survive.

Ryou’s a smart person, as the Pharaoh so kindly pointed out . . . so why the hell has he fallen in love with me, of all people? Am I so sure that it’s love? Is he any surer? And people wonder why I hate having relationships with anyone . . . see what kind of mess it brings to my head? As if I’m not fucked up in the mind enough as it is.

Quite the mess you’ve landed yourself in this time, Thief King. You’re not supposed to be able to fall in love. Especially not with an angel. And that is what Ryou is . . . an angel. A light, caring person whom I’ve tortured and abused for years. Yet he still cares about me. Somehow, someway, he still cares. Gods what a mess.

I promised him I would be here when he woke up. If not for that, I would be fleeing for my life. I’m not good with stuff like this . . . I’m not good at loving someone. This can only lead to pain . . . for him at least, if not for both of us. Silken strands of white hair wind through my fingers as I absently pet him, caressing him . . . loving him. I do love him, in that little part of me that is still human, still sane. I love him.

But that’s just simply not right. He’s too innocent, too sweet and gentle . . . when do demons fall in love with angels? And when in all the heavens do angels return the sentiment? Ra, I’m beginning to sound like a bad romance novel. Disgusting.
Unfortunately however, it’s also the truth. Someone like Ryou can’t possibly love someone like me. And I have to be out of my mind to have fallen in love with him.

Movement again, raising his head and blinking chocolate eyes at me sleepily . . . how long have I lain here thinking about this mess? He removes his arms from around my neck, only to lay his head over my heart and wind those pale fingers into my longer white hair. Ow . . . snag. Damn it, one of these days I need to get a brush through this rat’s nest I call hair.

Whispering now, warm breath against my chest . . . he’s glad I’m still here. Why, Ryou? Damn it, don’t you realize how much I’ve screwed up your life . . . will continue to do so? You’re meant for better than me. You should have just let me go . . . let me get out of your life.

You say you can’t do that . . . why the hell not? What can I give you that someone else can’t? No matter what that damn Pharaoh says, we are not two halves of the same whole. Something as pure and beautiful as you could never harbor anything as dark and sadistic as me.

Yes I’m saying this out loud . . . probably against my better judgment, but he needs to understand why he has to let me go.
No, I don’t understand you at all, Ryou. You’re my complete opposite . . . and that opposites attract shit doesn’t work either. Not in this case. Not after all I’ve done to you.

Why have you forgiven me? How have you forgiven me so easily? Doesn’t it matter to you that I’ve ruined your life?

Without me you wouldn’t have met Yugi and company . . . you have got to be kidding me. You’re actually grateful to me for that? Are you nuts? I would want to shoot the person who was responsible for introducing me to somebody like them. So what if that’s not very nice . . . it’s the truth.

Holy . . . we’re having a conversation. Ryou and I are having a conversation. There is something severely wrong with this . . . isn’t there? Oh, fuck, I don’t know anymore. All I know is that I’m comfortable, he’s comfortable, we’re talking, and the rest of the world can go to hell.

Oh yes, I’ve finally lost that single remaining thread attaching me to my sanity.

HEY! Ryou, damn it, stop that . . . it . . . tickles! FUCK! No, this is not funny, knock that the hell off! Okay, forget the angel part, the little brat’s a demon in disguise! SHIT! Light, quick fingers dancing over skin that is far too sensitive and I’m fucking giggling like a schoolgirl! Somebody shoot me!

Out of breath, but have finally managed to pin him to the bed. Point to me, I haven’t completely gone soft. Damn, but he looks so fucking cute right now, smiling up at me . . . I would give anything to see that smile more often. Whoa . . . that was a load of sap. Yuck. But still . . .

That soft smile, just a touch of sadness, but a bright happiness in it too, a happiness that hasn’t been there in a long time. Did I put that there? Did I give that back to him, after having taken it away?

Butterfly kiss against my lips, staring down into those depthless eyes as he pulls away with that same soft smile. What did I do to deserve you loving me, Ryou? So beautiful, so innocent, so forgiving . . . mine. Oh yes, did I forget to mention I’m one possessive bastard? Since he’s so intent on giving himself to me . . . and making sure I can’t run away from him or this mess . . . I might as well just accept it. Who said I couldn’t be completely logical when the need arises?

My hikari, my light, my Ryou. Mine. That does have a nice ring to it. Gods help anyone who touches him or hurts him . . . I’ll rip out their heart and feed it to them while they’re choking on their own blood. Okay, that was definitely a bit of the real me there. Good. Glad to know I haven’t lost all of my ruthlessness. That would really have bothered me.

Why am I smirking? Oh, sorry Ryou . . . don’t mind me. Just some very nice thoughts. No, I won’t share them with you . . . these particular thoughts are mine alone. Besides which, they aren’t ones that you need to hear. They’d only make you paranoid.

Answer a question for me, Ryou, before I really do go nuts trying to figure the answer out for myself . . . when did you start thinking you were in love with me?

Do I remember Battle City? Well, of course . . . not one of my more spectacular failures against the Pharaoh, but still . . . Slypher’s attack? Why is that importa . . . oh. Yes, little one, I remember that duel. Why did I do it? You mean, why did I step back in to protect you? At the time, I told Marik that it was because I still needed you. Why do you ask?

Ah, innocent little Ryou . . . always thinking there is a deeper meaning behind people’s actions. It’s one of the things I love and hate about him. He’s so damn optimistic. In this case, however, he’s right . . . I did have another purpose, although it wasn’t one that I wanted to admit to myself at the time. His pain . . . the pain from the knife wound on his arm, pain that I caused . . . it hurt me to see it. He had looked so pitiful . . . so full of pain and confusion . . . I was unable to leave him like that. I still don’t know whether the Pharaoh would have gone through with his attack or not – frankly, I don’t care either. All I’d known was that I had to stop his pain . . . so I shoved him back into his soul room and took the pain in his arm and the utter destruction of Slypher’s attack onto myself. To protect him, before I’d even realized I loved him.

So, you read my motives, little light, and determined that there was more to me than what I let everyone see. I’m not so sure if that is a good thing . . . I don’t like being able to be read. Being unpredictable is more fun. But I suppose, if anyone had to be able to read me, it should be the person who shares such a close tie with my soul. Besides, it’s you . . . if it were the Pharaoh, then I would be worried.

He looks concerned now . . . such a cute frown on those soft lips. I think I would much rather see him smile. But this isn’t a smiling matter . . . we’re trying to understand where we are situated with each other, and I’m just as confused as he is. Isn’t life grand?
I can’t bear to see you hurt, little one . . . that’s why I’m so afraid of this. I don’t want to hurt you. But I can’t change so many years of being the way I am in a single night.

But I don’t want you to change, Bakura, he whispers. Those chocolate eyes are so serious . . . but how can he not want me to change? I’m a bastard . . . I admit that freely. How can he love me the way I am.

Because it’s me? That makes absolutely no sense at all, Ryou. No one simply falls in love with someone who’s hurt them unless there is some severe psychological damage there. Have I really done that much damage to your mind?

Okay, he’s smiling now . . . I’m not sure if that’s a good sign or a bad sign. On me, it would be a very bad sign, but this is Ryou. That smirk really doesn’t belong on such an innocent face. He’s planning something.

HEY! What the . . . when the hell did he get strong enough to do this!? Flat on my back, sheets against one side and a very warm, soft Ryou against the other, pinning me to the bed with hips and hands. I could get up . . . but I really don’t want to. Besides, if I did struggle, I could hurt him. Oh hell, now I really am going soft. I’d rather let him pin me than risk hurting him. Gods, I’ve lost my mind.

Staring up into those dark, serious eyes, another sad smile crossing those beautiful features, and what little is left of my heart is melting. Oh Ra, somebody rescue me, I’ve fallen into a romance novel. Yuck.

Yeah, you’re right . . . I’m probably never going to understand how you could love me for being me. Understanding my motives and my soul aside, it still doesn’t make sense to me. But whether or not it makes sense, I’m simply going to have to accept it, aren’t I? Because now that we’ve come this far, we can’t go back . . . or at least, I can’t. And I don’t think you can either. To be honest . . . I don’t want to.

So I’ve completely gone off the deep end. Well, the Pharaoh would say I hit that point a long time ago, but what the hell does he know? Not a Ra damn thing. I proved that millennia ago.

The gentle press of lips against mine, nibbling at my lower lip to get my attention. Well, that he’s certainly got . . . and not just of my mind. Did I mention that thousands of years of celibacy tend to make one a bit horny?

Enough serious talk for now . . . it’s making my head hurt. I have a very cute, very willing hikari on top of me and . . .

FUCK! I’m going to send that damn thing to the Shadow Realm, so help me . . . ! It better be important. Damn modern conveniences . . . who ever said they’re a convenience needs to be murdered. Badly.

WHAT!? Your father! Oh hell . . . there goes the week. My life, which was suddenly looking just a bit brighter, just got more annoying.

Ryou, you can’t possibly be . . . oh shit, you are serious. You want him to finally meet me? That’s it . . . somebody up there had better be laughing, because if they aren’t, I’m going to kill them when I meet them for doing this shit to me.

Ryou wants to introduce me to his father when he comes home later today. Oh . . . joy.

TO BE CONTINUED