Compilation of Short Stories.

Story 3 of the Compilation and one of my personal faves.  Although it is a songfic (Kind of)  It stands alone.

Title: Because of You

Author: Maggiemay

Beta: Leanne

Rating: R for implied abuse

Spoilers: None

Genre: Drama, dark.

Summary:  A moment of discovery for Jou.  Song fic to the song "Because of You"  BLAME IT ON LEANNE.  She is the one who inspired me to do a songfic then convinced me that this was good enough to post.  So if you hate it flame her okay?

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With a slow heavy tread Jou walked to face that which he knew he must.  He had to do this.  There were so many things he wanted… had to say.  His courage had failed him every time in the past… it couldn't this time; this would be his last chance…his last possibility of redemption and happiness.

I will not make the same mistakes that you did

I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery

Choking back regret and pain, he looked into the face he loved, hated, resented, and had pleaded with for years.  For so long, Jou had blamed himself; then he'd blamed others, and finally he'd blamed what he considered the weakness that had caused the brutal, endless pain.  He'd never blamed him.  Not the man he was looking at…his young mind unable to  accept as a weakness in the man…not the strong one, not his father;  one man couldn't be at fault for everything so it had to be love that had caused all of his misery.  Love.

I will not break the way you did

You fell so hard

I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Love broke his father. 

The memory played in his mind like an old filmstrip.  His mother sobbing as she left, his sister's confused cries as she was forced away from the only home she'd ever known, his own confused questions and pain, and his father's tears and collapse as their hearts drove away leaving them to the night.

Nights of screaming and crying, clinging together like lost souls.  Then the nights of being alone, abandoned, as his father sought release from that heartbreak in the arms of a bottle and a willing woman…forgetting the tormented boy waiting at home.

At home where the huddled forgotten figure of himself waited, frightened and alone in a cold dark apartment.  Understanding the reason for the loss of everything…the unending pain of loving and betrayal and vowing never to let love touch him….

Because of you

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side

So I don't get hurt

Let love touch him…that brought another memory to mind.  His lips twisted in a parody of a smile.  The first time.

The first time his father had hit him.  He'd been playing outside and he'd come in for a drink and couldn't find a glass.  There were none…none…they weren't in the left lower cupboard where they always were.

"Daddy…I can't find the glasses?"  Jou had asked curiously as he came into the room where his father was resting.

"In the cupboard.  Don't bug me, I'm tryin' to sleep." His father had slurred grumpily in a tone Jou was coming to recognize.  It made him uneasy for some reason he couldn't define.

"But Daddy, they aren't there."  Naively he'd pointed out the oddity.

His father had sighed and stood unsteadily "You gotta start bein' more independent.  Learn ta depend on yerself more.  Ya can't count on no one.  I'll show ya this time."

Jou watched, confused, as his father, stumbling, made his way to the cupboards.  He opened the second cupboard to the right and pulled out a glass.  "Here ya go."

"Daddy!  Why are they there?"  The move of the glasses had upset Jou.  There had been too much change lately.  This small change was almost overwhelming to him.

"Because they are easier ta put away here.  Now get yer drink and go outside."  The older man's voice was gruff and he didn't turn to look at his young son.  His shoulders were slumped in a posture of defeat and misery.  That change bothered him too.

"But Daddy, why did you change it?  When Mommy and Shizuka come home they won't know where to find them."  Jou protested, stepping forward to take the glass.  Before he could take it, it shattered against the wall and just as suddenly Jou lay sprawled on the floor holding his hand to his face in stunned amazement. 

His daddy had hit him…

"Daddy…" his voice quavered on tears.  But his father didn't hear…he was screaming that they were never coming back, to stop being stupid, they were gone forever.  Then they were both crying as more pain and heartache tore through them.  It should have united them; instead it seemed to drive them apart.  The older man had taken a step away, as if he couldn't deal with Jou's pain and his own.  It was the first time his daddy hadn't held him when he cried. 

After that, Jou never mentioned them returning again.  He didn't like to see his daddy cry.  But it didn't matter…because after that his father hadn't needed an excuse to hit him.

Because of you

I find it hard to trust

Not only me, but everyone around me

Because of you

I am afraid

To hit him became part of father's routine, as did the strange slurring and mood swings.  And as the years of pain stretched on, Jou'd built a wall, a tough inner shell that kept everyone far away.  He joined a gang for protection and he'd grown strong, his heart so damaged it had been covered in a thick callus.  Later, when he'd been given no choice, he had allowed himself friends; people he cared for, but he'd never allowed anyone to see the deep wounded core of him.  Honda, Yugi, they had both tried so hard to reach him, to earn his trust.  They had succeeded…but only to a point.  There remained a part of him alone, inviolate. 

Something no one had touched until he'd fallen in love.

I lose my way

And it's not too long before you point it out

I cannot cry

Because I know that's weakness in your eyes

Fallen in love…Seto.  Tears stung golden brown eyes.  He automatically stifled them.  He hadn't allowed himself tears in years, but remembering the heartbroken blue eyes of his only lover as they'd seen his refusal to trust…to let love into that inviolate part of him...  Tears long denied teetered on the edge of escape as he recalled the defeat in those beloved eyes, and the slump of those proud shoulders that reminded him eerily of his father.  The only time Kaiba Seto had been completely defeated by Jounouchi Katsuya.  After all the years of trying to beat him, Jou finally had… it was a win that had ripped him apart. Jou suppressed bitter tears.

I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh

Every day of my life

Bitter tears coated his soul.  He'd only been living with half a heart since then…he walked, talked, laughed and acted like he didn't have a care in the world.  Deep inside…his soul and heart writhed in agony as the acrid bitterness ate into him.  But love was a weakness…he couldn't let it break him.  Look what it had done to his dad.  He won't fall, he won't free his heart to love.

My heart can't possibly break

When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side

So I don't get hurt

Because of you

I find it hard to trust

Not only me, but everyone around me

Love…but he did…but he wouldn't let it make him weak.  He wouldn't let it near.  He would deny it.  Even as his lover watched him walk away, crying for him, Jou refused to see…refused to be weak…refuse to let anyone break him.  He resolved that he would not bend.  The pain would not destroy him.  The longing, the need, it would not destroy him.  He wasn't going to allow love to take away his soul.  If he allowed Seto near…allowed that love; he knew that he would fall…love would crush him when the blue eyed man walked away, just as his father had been crushed by love when his mother had left.  Just as his heart had been crushed by the abandonment of him by his father.  Never again will he feel heartbreak.

Because of you

I am afraid

I watched you die

I heard you cry

Every night in your sleep

I was so young

You should have known better than to lean on me

You never thought of anyone else

You just saw your pain

Heartbreak… no…no more heartbreak, not for his father.  Jou was amazed when his mother, dressed in black, as if she had the right to speak to the man she'd destroyed, stepped up beside him and carefully placed a red rose on his hand.  His anger almost burst from him as she gently kissed his lips.  Touching the still chest gently she whispered "...I am sorry, Husband...I love you still.  I am sorry we couldn't be together now.  I will look for you every day.  I long to see you…soon."

Glancing at her son, not noticing his reactions, or maybe overlooking them as was her habit, she murmured softly "Never throw love away Katsuya.  You may not get it back."  With a lingering glance on her ex-husband, she walked slowly away.

Jou gently traced the peaceful face of the man who hadn't known peace in years.  Strange - lying in his coffin, his father looked more like the daddy he had been years ago, and almost nothing like the ill, wreck of a man whose hand he'd held as he died in the hospital three days before.  "Daddy…I am so sorry I couldn't help you more.  I'm sorry I wasn't enough for you."  The memory of his father's last minutes, of the grasping hands, the pleading for life, for love, for any reassurance that he was loved.

"Dad...sh…don't talk…just try to get better."  Jou had tried to calm his father.  The doctors had said he didn't have much time.  He didn't want his father's last hours to be traumatic.

"No…Jou."  Harsh gasping pant "Son…love you…so sorry.  Don't blame…"

"Dad, I don't blame you.  I love you too.  Don't be sorry.  Just rest."

"No…no…blame me…not...love…you…love…"  More harsh gasps, then "Not love's…fault.  My fault.  Failed you…failed love." One more deep sigh "Need…find love."  His father lapsed into a coma and died later that night.  Jou never knew if he died knowing he was loved.  Even if it hadn't been enough for him.  His father had always been loved.

And now I cry

In the middle of the night

For the same damn thing

He had always been loved.  Regret and longing opened the chasm in his heart.  Too many times, the only thing that kept him sane was the knowledge that somewhere a blue eyed man loved him.  Even after his rejection, Jou would see Seto, meet his eyes, and know deep in his soul that Seto loved him and would …was… waiting for him.  Waiting for him to fall, to love him in return, to face that they belonged together.  Is that what his mother was feeling now?  The longing to be with the man she'd rejected?  Did she now know they belonged together?

Because of you

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side

So I don't get hurt

Because of you

I tried my hardest just to forget everything

They belonged together?  The awareness of the waiting love…the weakness it gave.  He had tried to hide from it...to deny it's temptation…to deny everything…even his own need.  His father had shown him…love would destroy him.

Because of you

I don't know how to let anyone else in

Because of you

I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty

Because of you

I am afraid

Love would destroy him…but hadn't it already?  His mother, his father…their love had destroyed his faith, his ability to trust.  Hadn't it taken the possibility of his future and his love with Seto.  His life of work and loneliness…isn't that how his father had lived?  Loneliness and booze.  Love had destroyed him…hadn't it?

Because of you

Love had destroyed him…hadn't it?  Looking down at the man who'd shaped him, Jou finally allowed years of suppressed tears fall…No.

Because of you

No.  It wasn't love that destroyed is father…it was the absence of love that had destroyed his father…and was ruining Jou's life too.  That is what he'd come to tell his father.  He wasn't afraid anymore.  And he wasn't going to let love slip away any more. 

His father would have never have turned away from love if it had been offered…isn't that what he'd been seeking all along?  Jou finally allowed his father's final words to sink into his heart and soul. With it a giant fissure opened in the wall that had guarded him for years, setting the pain free.

"Rest easy Daddy.  I loved you…love you still.  And I understand…finally.  Sleep well and when you wake in the arms of the Eternal Love I hope you know you are loved and know that so am I." With a tender kiss on the eternally sleeping brow, Jou turned and walked away.

On the street, he looked up and met pained, loving blue eyes with tear clouded gold.  "I knew you'd come."

"How?"  It wasn't so much a question as a demand.

Taking a lean hand in his own, he put Seto's hand over his heart.  "I... ... love you.  And... trust you.  With this."

Eyes glowing with love, Seto smiled gently and drew him into his arms, laying a kiss on the golden hair.  "I know.  Welcome home, Katsuya."