Affectionate Thoughts In A Disturbed Mind

Disclaimer – I still don’t own them, although I seem to have bitten off more than I can chew? Can someone own the soul of an animated character?

Author’s Notes – So much for a one shot. Hardest thing I’ve ever written in my life, and instead of ending it quickly, I find myself dragging it out.
I think I really know how Bakura feels . . . I’ve lost my fricking mind.

Chapter 3 –


Warm breath against my cheek, forcing me back to the consciousness I fled from so easily. When did I allow someone so close to me? I’m confused, not a feeling that I enjoy.

The briefest glimpse of soft white hair out of the corner of my eye, and the memories come flooding back in a torrential downpour of misery. Ryou . . . oh gods, what have I done?

Guilt and horror war within me. I have to get up, have to get away from him, have to . . . have to what? Run? Run where? There’s nowhere else for me to go. Except back into the Ring.

Cold glass against my fingertips, the night beckoning to my darkening soul. I wouldn’t have thought it could get any darker, wouldn’t have thought I could be further damned than I already was. So very wrong of me to think that . . . now I know better.

Perhaps I can get the Pharaoh to kill me . . . he’s keen enough to do it any other time. Maybe this once, he can actually help me. Decision made. I’m going to go piss of the Pharaoh and get him to kill me. Bully for me, I’ve made the first smart decision of my life . . . un-life . . . whatever the hell this is.

Okay . . . first things first. Clothing. I need clothing. No, don’t look at him, lying there so peacefully, like he’s content with what’s been done. Damn it, it’s just not possible! He was under the influence of something . . . he had to be. Maybe the alcohol in my system translated through the link somehow. That’s it, he was drunk on second hand alcohol. Yeah, right, that makes perfect sense Bakura. Get a grip.

Gods, what have I done to him, that he thinks that he loves me? I’ve tortured and abused him, took over his life and gave him hell in return. This is so very wrong. He can’t love me . . . he’s just confused right now. At least one of us can think clearly . . . if my thoughts are what would classify as ‘clear’.

I can’t risk this, can’t let him do this. It will destroy him . . . I destroy everything I come to love. The only option is my death. It’s the only way I know that I won’t be able to hurt him again. One last pain, beautiful Ryou, and then you can go on with what you deserve. And I can go to the hell I deserve for this mess.

Dressed and out the door, leaving my heart, shriveled and black as it is, behind me, in his hands. Running . . . not just physically, but mentally as well, and it disgusts me. But I can’t allow this to continue . . . I will not drag an angel into my hell.

Solid wood beneath my fist, the pain helping me to focus more on the physical and less on the mental. I don’t handle emotional pain well, and right now it’s about all I can think of unless I find something else to focus on. So, I’m banging on the back door of the game shop much harder than necessary. Maybe it will get their attention faster.

Light’s coming on, swearing . . . oh good. Just the person I came to see. Does your hikari know you swear as much as I do?

Yes, I know what time it is, you spike-haired moron. Why am I here? Well, that’s a more difficult question to answer. I can’t very well blurt out that I want him to kill me, now can I? Nor tell him the reason why . . . okay, maybe I should have thought this out a bit before I woke him up. How the hell do you piss off a half-asleep Pharaoh at four in the morning when your mind is an emotional wreckage?

He’s drumming his fingers on the countertop, staring at me with those unfathomable crimson eyes. And those eyes are getting darker by the second. I can’t decide whether I want to pace or sit down . . . damn it, think Bakura! Another glance at Yami . . . he’s smirking. Oh shit, did I say something? No, I know my mouth hasn’t opened . . . why the hell is he looking at me like that?

WHAT!? How the hell did he figure that out!? Okay, another reason to hate the Pharaoh . . . he’s too damn smart.

Fine, since you’ve got it already. Yes, I’ve fallen in love with Ryou. No, this does not make me happy, can’t you see that, you overly intelligent pain in my ass?! I can’t do that to him!

Well, isn’t this cozy . . . he’s sitting down for what looks to be his version of a heart to heart. Oh joy. Wait a second . . . he’s just as uneasy as I am! This is definitely one for the record books. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look so out of sorts. I’ve surprised him, goody for me. I’d enjoy it more if it weren’t so damn serious.

Just how the hell do you think you can say you know how I feel?! Oh . . . well, I guess that does put us in the same boat, to a point. But at least you’ve been decent to your hikari . . . I’ve put Ryou through hell. If your hikari loves you, it’s because you’ve earned it. Yes, I have just admitted that the Pharaoh is a better man than I am . . . or rather, a better yami. Yay for me, I’m making progress in my relationship with a man I hate.

What Ryou has to say on the subject isn’t important. He’s confused . . there’s no way in hell he could possibly love me in return. Come on, Pharaoh – you’re so damn smart, and you mean to tell me you don’t understand why he couldn’t be in love with me? Let’s go through the list, shall we?

I’ve beaten him, taken over his life, hurt and sometimes killed his friends, threatened the ones I didn’t get to do either of the above to, turned him over to a psycho for my own gains . . . does that about cover it? How the fuck could he possibly love me after all I’ve done to him?

No, it simply can’t be love. It’s . . . oh, hell, what do they call that in this time? Hostage Syndrome? Yeah, that’s it . . . you know, where the victim falls in love or feels protective towards their aggressor? That’s what this is . . . there is no logical way in hell that someone as sweet and innocent as Ryou could have honestly fallen in love with a sadistic bastard like me.

Ask him? Ask him what? Why he loves me? Now why the hell would I do that!? I just told you why, damn it . . . use that wonderful brain of yours and figure it out yourself. Yes, I know Ryou’s a smart kid. That doesn’t mean a damn thing in this case.

Oh for the love of Isis . . . I didn’t come over to talk this out with you! I came over here for you to put me out of my damn misery! Shit, I just said that out loud, didn’t I? Fuck, yes I did. Of course, it is rather amusing to see those narrow crimson eyes look like they're about to fall out of his head in shock. Unfortunately, that doesn’t help my predicament any.

What do you mean, you won’t do it? Ra damn you, you’ve wanted to kill me for three thousand years! I’m giving you the perfect opportunity, and now you won’t take it!? What’s wrong with you?!

As usual, you’re a great help, Pharaoh. Note the sarcasm please . . . I wouldn’t want you to think I’m thanking you for this shit. Angry and confused now, and taking that latent aggression out on doors again as I storm out of the house. Talk to Ryou, he says. Yeah, sure . . . I’ll do that the next time Anubis comes to visit. That would be, when there’s a cold day in hell, thank you so much.
Nowhere to go now . . . I’m out of options. Cold streets and colder thoughts, wandering Domino with nothing to go on, and nothing else to think about. I can’t go on like this . . . hell, I may be psychotic, but I’m not stupid. I’ve landed myself in another desperately hopeless situation. Fuck.

There’s still the Ring. Once my prison, now maybe my only hope to keep from being damned ever further than I already am. I haven’t been back in my soul room since I gained my own body . . . now I’m just about as desperate to get back in there as I could ever be. If I can find a way to block Ryou out, I can spend the rest of eternity in there happily at this point, torturing myself with thoughts on what could have been if I were something other than what and who I am.

Another decision made, although this one isn’t nearly as smart or great as the first. Hopefully this one turns out better. Silent steps, returning me to the house where Ryou lives and I simply exist. The Ring is in his desk drawer . . . he’s kept it there since I no longer make him wear it. All to the better, I suppose.

The house is still quiet, dark with memories I’d rather forget at the moment. The feel of him against me, his skin against mine . . . Ra, I’m going to have the rest of eternity with this! So why can’t I get it out of my head for at least a short amount of time so I can get this done?

Walking past my room to get to his . . . I can’t help but glance in there. One last look at the angel my heart now belongs to . . . but the bed is empty. Where has Ryou gone?

Frightened now, and more than a little angry. Where is he? Damn it, he always manages to screw up my best plans in the most innocent way possible. One of the things I love about him, I suppose. I’ll think about that later . . . for now, I have to find him.

Running water, the sound leading me to the bathroom. The door is locked . . . that’s strange, he never locks the door when he’s alone in the house. Not like a locked door can stop me . . . it can only slow me down. There isn’t a lock out there that can keep me from where I want to go. Something is wrong though . . . there’s no sound on the other side of the door.

Ryou? Oh gods . . . what the hell do you think you’re doing!? Slippery tiles, but that’s the least of my concerns, dashing across the slick surface to slap the glitter of a silver blade out of his hands. I’m angry now, and frightened out of my wits, not something I particularly enjoy. What were you doing!? I’m not worth your life, Ryou!

What do you mean, you’re worthless?! You little fool! You’re worth a hundred of me, hell, a thousand of me! Why would you even think of something so stupid!? Chocolate eyes, swimming with tears and despair . . . oh gods, Ryou, I’m so sorry. Once again, this is all my fault. Once again, I’ve hurt you.

I’ll prove to you that you’re not worthless! Ra damn it, I love you Ryou! Don’t you ever consider throwing your life away over me! The feel of tears sliding down my face as I press my lips to his harshly, releasing all my anger and fear against those soft petals. He whimpers slightly, pale hands clutching at my shoulders desperately, not allowing me to back out, even if I wanted to.

Cold tile . . . oh hell no, this is not happening on the floor again. I’ll show you how much I cherish you . . . it’s the least I can give you for all that I’ve done to you. Soft body held to my heart, retreating to my room again . . . I won’t soil his room with this. He can seal this room off after I’ve gone. Pale skin against the black comforter, light contrasting with dark as I bend over him, brushing snow white hair out of soft chocolate eyes. Understand me, Ryou, this changes nothing. After this, I will still be gone. But I won’t leave you like this . . . not like this.

Soft lips against mine, his hands helping remove the clothing I was so desperate to get into not long ago. Feather light touches against his fragile flesh . . . so beautiful, so unmarked by life, so different from my own. So very beautiful, Ryou, so perfect. I don’t deserve to touch you like this, don’t you understand? Twining his fingers with my own, keeping him from touching the numerous scars on my body as I trail my lips over soft flesh. This isn’t about me . . . I only want to show you how much you’re worth in my eyes. The greatest treasure in all the world . . . one that I can never have. Not if I want to keep my sanity.

Soft moans whispering through the still air, as if the whole world is holding it’s breath on this one act . . . the only chance I will ever take to show him how I feel about him. Cherishing his body as I cherish his life, showing him with actions what I can’t put into words. Movement beneath me, hands brushing against my scalp as I lick at him gently, lovingly. Gods, I don’t want to hurt you Ryou.

Writhing beneath me, pushing my control to its limits as I suck at hardened flesh. So good . . . the taste of ambrosia, of heaven itself. The essence of an angel. A last chance at salvation before I’m pushed over the edge, my soul screaming inside me. No control, no limits but what my heart wants. I need you Ryou. Help me stay sane . . . save me from myself.

Better prepared this time at least, lotion kept in a bedside drawer making things easier. But this time you will do the taking, not me. I won’t do that to you, not this time. The only true way to show you how much I value you . . . only you can dominate me. Wide eyes . . . so cute when he does that. Rolling off him before I lose this new conviction, giving myself over to him in a way I can’t to anyone else. Giving him control.

Butterfly kisses against me stomach, pale hands pulling him up short, stopping him from his goal. Oh no you don’t, little light . . . this is about you, not me. Never about me. Whispers of instruction, telling him what I want him to do. Stunned immobility, staring down at me in shock before taking his hand and guiding him to what I will allow no other to touch.

Movement now, shaking my head, denying him time. No preparation . . . I deserve the pain. Still he moves slowly . . . damn it, Ryou, I’m not worth this caution! Pushing him away . . . I can’t take this, not right now. I’m bleeding in my soul, and I don’t want him to see that.

Hiss of pain, the feel of fullness as I take him into myself, movement barely made easier by lotion. I have to close my eyes . . . I deserve this pain, and I won’t let him see tears. Not now. This is minor to the pain I’ve caused him. Gathering him against me, forcing myself to move against the pain before falling backwards, giving him back control.

Hesitant movements, a gasp of breath as the first flicker of pleasure catches me by surprise. No words, just moans and gasps as he moves against me tentatively, feeling his way into my soul. The press of lips against mine, the promise of salvation that can never be mine. Not enough, never enough . . . pressing back against him, urging him on silently.

Harder, Ryou . . . Ra, show me the strength that I know is there. Groan of anguish, stars flashing before my eyes as my soul is ripped to shreds. I love you too much for my sanity, and your safety.

Whispered prayers, asking for forgiveness . . . can a demon be saved? I don’t know, can’t think, only feel. So warm, so soft . . . Ryou, please!

Cool hand against velvet flesh, moving over me in patterns older than time, pushing me further to the edge of sanity. So close, so very close . . . scream of a damned soul as the world tilts and disappears in fire.

Completion of soul, his own cry joining mine in the silence as the world breathes again. Perfection against corruption, his skin against mine. Wetness . . . Ryou, why are you crying? Crystal drops against my fingers, wiping those pale streams from his face.

I love you, he whispers, and my soul cries out at the pain in those words. Don’t leave me . . . stay with me . . . love me. But I do love you, Ryou, and that’s why I can’t stay. Skin against mine, pale arms wrapping around my neck, his face pressed into the space between shoulder and throat. He knows what I’m planning, and he’s not willing to let go. Ryou, don’t you understand that I have to do this, for your safety?

Sobbing against my throat, arms tightening dangerously. I’m afraid Ryou . . . not of what you might do to me, but of what I might do to you. Hear me, my love, my light . . . I don’t want to hurt you again.

Opening my soul, and my heart, letting him see the damage that has made me what I am. Do you see? This is why I can’t stay . . . this will taint you, stain your purity with my darkness.

You’ve been talking with Yami. That damn Pharaoh . . . light cannot exist without dark. Sounds just like him. Remind me to strangle him later.

Wait . . . later? What later? When did I decide I would stay?

If only to protect you from yourself . . . fine, I will stay. I love you, Ryou. Gods help me, I love you, and if you truly love me . . . I can’t save you anymore. It’s too late for it.

Go to sleep, Ryou. Sleep, little light . . . I will be here when you wake. I promise. Ra forgive me, I promise.


TO BE CONTINUED