Submission

Chapter 3

A month. An entire month since his ordeal with Kresha and he was still a wreck. He had been worse that he had anticipated in the following days, having to stay with Joey for an entire week just to maintain his sanity. The blond teen had helped him to the extent where Yami knew that he would never be able to repay him.

But no amounts of soothing words or strong arms would take away the memories, the scars or the overwhelming guilt he felt.

He knew that he would not be this way if he had only maintained his role of guardian and just submitted. He would not keep feeling and seeing himself bound, overpowered and violated in every way. He was a dominant character; every action he made and every word he said spoke true to that. To have all that stripped away from him, to lose all that precious control so brutally...

It was no wonder he was having nightmares.

A whole month had passed and he still woke up gasping, having to restrain himself from throwing the arm that was often over his chest away and retreating to the inviting solitude that his spirit craved. Cutting himself off from everyone wouldn’t help though; he knew that.

Yugi had been getting suspicious, pushing him to know what was upsetting him so much. He kept saying that he had been acting differently and that it worried and frightened him. Yami was shocked at that; he had been working hard to maintain an image of normalcy.

One particularly bad night not three days ago Yami had the horror of jolting awake and seeing that Yugi had been waiting for him, obviously having been awake for long minutes before he broke free from the nightmare.

Apparently he had been mumbling restlessly in the clutch of his dream, his body twitching against imaginary bindings before it snapped awake, his mind reeling but his body acutely aware.

That was another strange development that he had noticed about himself.

Falling asleep took hours because he was frightened of what he might find there, his body tense against his Hikari’s as his mind tried to force it into the slumber he knew he needed despite his fear. In this state, every noise in the room was magnified and twisted so that the sounds themselves were terrifying. Wide-eyed as his imagination scrambled randomly through images for those sounds, it was little wonder he was often awake until the wee hours of the morning.

Perhaps it was his mind saving itself from his nightly dream’s horrors by keeping itself awake, making the body too scared to sleep for as long as possible until there were no sounds to twist or exhaustion wrested his control from him again.

Yami honestly didn’t know.

What he did know, however, was that Yugi was aware that something had or was happening to him that he had yet to disclose.

He had told his light that the dreams were just memories from his past, trickling into his mind in a state so deformed that they frightened him. It pained him to lie yet again to his Hikari but it was all that he could do. He knew that Yugi would respect his privacy and not question him further now that he had a satisfactory answer, and he was correct. Yugi did, however, start watching him more than usual, placing a small, comforting hand on his arm every now and again that Yami had to force himself not to react against.

His Light had obviously mentioned his nightly distress to his friends for they started to inquire as to his wellbeing more regularly, giving him lots of reassuring smiles that Yami could only return in an extremely forced way.

Joey remained normal around him, something that Yami was dearly thankful for. He didn’t want extra attention and he didn’t need to be constantly reminded that he likely needed it. The teen would give him a certain look every now and then that silently asked if he was alright, leaving it at that when Yami replied with either a small smile or a firm nod of his head.

Neither of them had said a word about what had transpired at Joey’s home whilst Yami had temporarily taken up residence there. Neither of them needed to. They had both kept the same story to the others who had pestered with a want to know, stating that Yami had just felt bad that Yugi had been snatched whilst under his charge. They stopped after a week when they accepted it as the truth and Yami had breathed a sigh that the group was gradually forgetting the incident.

He did not have the same luck.

****

“Rough night?” Yugi asked as Yami stepped into the kitchen, a hand over his mouth as he yawned and bloodshot eyes squinting in the abusive light. He didn’t expect an answer to the question that was more of a statement; Yami hadn’t had anything other than ‘rough nights’ for a while now.

The yawn peeling away now, Yami nodded affirmatively and dropped into a seat at the table, instantly pouring himself a cup of coffee from the maker standing in the middle and wrapping his hands around the warming cup. Staring into the shimmering surface of the liquid he almost winced at the state of his face. He would seriously need to consider taking some sleeping pills to fix that. Either that or move in with Joey.

“I know you’re still lying to me.”

Yami felt like he’d suddenly swallowed a golf-ball and it had gotten lodged in his throat on the way down. His eyes flicking to Yugi now, he watched with a swelling feel of panic as the small boy pulled out his own chair and sat himself into it, dipping the spoon into the bowl of cereal and leaving it there as he brought violet eyes up to meet crimson ones.

“You’re not having dreams about your past. That happened once, remember? I had them too,” Yugi continued, his face looking both angry and sad as he regarded his yami.

“I’ve blocked you off from these ones. They’re too disturbing for you,” Yami replied evenly, something easing in his stomach when he heard that his voice was steady.

“I’m not a little kid Yami! I can handle some stuff. Stop thinking that I can’t; I’m not weak,” he shot back instantly, the anger either shoving aside the sadness or combining with it to become something stronger.

Yami repressed a shudder as the exact opposite words to what he had been thinking about himself for weeks were thrown at him. Swallowing heavily, his throat clicking loudly and breaking the thick silence between them, he tipped his head to the side and forced his eyes to remain on his Light’s. “I don’t think you’re weak Aibou. I’m protecting you; I’m struggling myself to handle these memories.”

“Well you should tell me then. We’re friends; that means that you help me and I help you. That is unless you have a different definition of what friendship is.”

Yami snorted, a note of bitterness creeping unwittingly into his voice. “I help you Aibou and it ends there. I am your guardian, your protector. That is my purpose for existing now. That’s why I’m not dead like I should be.”

Of course, Yugi missed the underlying meaning in those words. His eyes did widen though, his hands coming up flat on the wood and him rising to his feet. “Is this about what happened last month? Christ Yami! Get over yourself! I got taken. You came and saved me before I got hurt. It’s over. And I’m sorry if I’m a burden to you. If I had known that you wanted to stay in the Puzzle for the rest of your existence I would’ve left you there.”

Severely hurt by those words spoken in such tones Yami rose to his own feet quickly, moving out of the kitchen and out of the back door of the living area without looking at Yugi. Slamming the door behind him, he stood still for a minute breathing heavily before leaning back against the wood and sliding down until he was sat against it, his knees coming up to his chest and his arms wrapped loosely around his legs.

It was a moment of pure clarity. Yami *knew* right then that things were going to get better because they couldn’t possibly stay this bad. The universe could not be functioning correctly if he stayed feeling this way. He couldn’t exist if something didn’t give soon.

He despely wly wanted the comfort of his soul-room, his whole world for so long and a place where he could be untouched. But that was out of the question, not because of Yugi; he had no control of whether he went in there or not. It was because of what he had found in there the last time.

After returning home from Joey’s Yami had every intention of hiding himself away in the Puzzle until he had gotten his head straightened out. When he had materialized in the dark room, however, he was confronted by so many images, sounds and feelings that he felt that he could have blacked-out.

Thinking back on it he supposed it made sense; his soul room was merely an extension created for his mind using his mind. The room was comprised of scattered memories, his bed the same as the one he remembered having in Egypt for example. A product of his thoughts and feelings, it was no wonder it was now a hellish place. He couldn’t cope with himself in there as well as he did when he was a physical manifestation, so he had stayed out of the puzzle for a few weeks now.

Yugi didn’t mind; he liked having his Dark with him even if he was worried about him at the time.

Groaning loudly at the mere thought of his Light Yami dragged himself out of shock and self-pity, standing and then walking with decided steps down the path away from the Game Shop. Turning the corner and taking on a random direction,nevenever sensed that Yugi had been watching him from the kitchen window.

****

Yami had spent most of the day wandering, not knowing where his feet were taking him and not caring in the slightest. His mind was settling on no single thing meaning that a thumping ache was droning in his skull, a welcome sensation given that the rest of his body had gone numb.

He had gone inside some of the shops that he found himself infront of, browsing through the stock and toying idly with some of the merchandise before leaving again. Eventually he found himself in the park, the sun high overhead now and burning at the back of his neck. Heading for the cool seclusion of the forest he weaved a path through the trees with no idea of where he was heading or why, stopping at the base of a particularly tall tree with a thick, well established trunk.

Relishing the idea of some physical exercise he began methodically scaling the trunk, the twigs scratching at his face as he rose into the thicker foliage. Twenty feet above the ground he stopped and perched himself on a wide branch that came out almost horizontal. His left leg dangling freely down the side, his right foot was on the bark with his knee bent and his hands folded about it.

The view up here was glorious; he could see over most of the trees in the forest area giving him a broken view of the part itself and the buildings beyond that. The air was slightly fresher and he spent a good few minutes simply breathing deeply and watching a flock of birds move restlessly from one tree to the next, a handful finally settling at the end of his branch.

With no desire to return home he spent the entire afternoon there, a distant part of his mind grateful that it was summer when the sun descended and the moon arose as the temperature didn’t drop significantly. Actually with the light breeze that was tugging at his clothes it was pleasantly cool.

His mind returned from its semi-dormant state when darkness fell, something that was instinctual having spent so long alone in the dark before. The argument from this morning replayed itself over and over until Yami thought his head would explode; his eyes stinging again and his throat clamping down.

‘How can Yugi think that it could ever be over?’ he mused miserably. He was jealous of his Aibou’s ignorance of what had happened, moreso when that thought brought back the barrage of memories all over again. It was sadistically funny; back when Joey had taken him in and insisted that he share what had happened, his mind had been ready to block what had happened, pushy even. Now it seemed to be pushing to revolve around those memories at every given opportunity. Perhaps it was the guilt; he was subconsciously punishing himself maybe?

He couldn’t take it anymore. Succumbing to a hurt that he couldn’t see, a simple memory combined with emotion, was too weak for him to continue to accept. Coupling that with Yugi’s outburst earlier his very spirit was quaking.

Brining his left hand up from where it lay in his lap he gazed at the unmarked flesh, the skin a few shades paler than it had been in Egypt but tanned still. His right hand moved to his jacket pocket and thumbed and the tip of the object he had there as he thought.

He considered a few simple slashes, perhaps going so far as to carve words into his flesh, but that would be too apparent and more importantly, it wouldn’t be enough.

He needed a constant reminder; something that was always in his sight but not immediately obvious to others.

Turning his hand over to hide the ghostly blue veins in his wrist, he regarded the unmarked skin at the bases of his fingers in consideration. A knife would be too clumsy here, so he took the scissors that he had taken from the clothing shop earlier from his pocket. At the time he had no idea why he had taken them; all he knew was that he felt more comfortable knowing that they were in his pocket.

Making a fist with his left hands and holding the instrument in his right, he opened the blades over the first knuckle. Closing them slowly, he carefully sheared away a layer of skin. Quirking an eyebrow at the fact that cutting through his flesh hurt no more than initially breaking the skin, Yami continued on the same area until there was blood.

Satisfied now, he withdrew the blades and held his his now outstretched hand. Watching a rivulet of crimson suddenly break free and wind down his hand and arm from the wound, Yami felt something tighten in his chest.

He was happy about this. For a few seconds the feelings that had been plaguing him for a month had disappeared, the wounds creating a distraction for him. He felt pain. He could *see* the source of this pain and he was coping with this pain. Coping equated as strong.

Craving more of this strange comfort, Yami continued across the remaining three knuckles, not satisfied until each was bleeding. He made no move to wipe at the blood, letting it dry to a powdery crust on his skin.

He seriously considered marking the first joint on his thumb but logic pointed out that that would be hard to explain, damn-near impossible actually. Knuckles were easy; a graze, a punch that missed. The thumb could not be explained so Yami restrained himself.

Rinsing away the dried blood on his hand and arm with a saliva covered thumb, Yami ran his thumb on his unmarked hand over the wounds. Smiling, he knew that he would rest easier tonight.

Shoving the scissors back into his pocket, he put his hands back in his lap and shifted against the trunk of the tree a little. He didn’t want to go home and it was quite pleasant here, so after checking visually that he was quite secure, he relaxed his body and closed his eyes.

The nightmares came again but this time they were manageable.

****

Morning brought a stiff neck and leg cramps to Yami causing him to think that sleeping in the tree wasn’t all that clever. Groaning as his joints popped he twisted his body round and started climbing down the tree, his breathing already ragged from waking from another nightmare. This one had thankfully been one of the less intense ones though.

Dropping the last few feet to the moss-covered ground he took a moment to bring his breathing back to normal before setting off towards the park, his view from the tree giving him a pretty good idea of what direction to head in. The anger he had felt yesterday was practically gone now and in its absence came guilt.

Unblocking his end of the link from Yugi, he was prepared for the barrage that assaulted his mind.

//Yami?! Are you alright? Where were you all night? I’m so sorry Yami, I didn’t mean it.//

The sincerity behind those words actually caused Yami to bring a hand to his heart, his eyes closing as he absorbed the waves of confusion, guilt, worry and love bleeding through their bond.

//I’m sorry too Aibou; I shouldn’t have stayed out all night. I’m alright and I apologize for worrying you.//

//No, this is all my fault. If I hadn’t said... I saw how upset I made you.//

Yami’s eyes widened and he stopped walking. Yugi had seen him in that state? ‘By Ra how pathetic must he think I am?’

//Joey, Honda, Anzu and I were out for houookiooking for you. Where are you?//

Another pang of guilt as the mental voice started to sound thick, tears obviously leaking from his other half’s eyes now. Feeling a need to comfort his Light, moreso because he was the sole cause of his grief, Yami broke into a jog as he weaved between the trees.

//I’m coming home Aibou, I’m coming home.//

****

Yugi’s arms were around his waist before he could cross the thresh-hold of the Game Shop, the smaller boy sobbing into his abdomen with relief. Feeling his own stomach knot uncomfortably, Yami placed his hands on his Light’s shoulders and sank down onto his knees, bringing him into his chest and embracing him firmly.

Rocking himself back and forth slightly to comfort him, Yami knew that the others were staring at them hesitant to approach even though his eyes were half-lidded, his gaze lost and unfocused in Yugi’s hair. The tears stopped after a few minutes but Yugi showed no signs of wanting to let go, endless apologies flooding into Yami’s mind from him and an equal amount being sent right back out.

It was Anzu who spoke first, her voice soft and curious as she stepped forward and raised a pointing hand. “What did you do to your hand, Yami?”

“Got angry. Punched a tree,” he replied flatly into Yugi’s hair.

Concerned and curious about his Dark’s injury Yugi pulled away and pulled his hand around so that he could see. Meeting Yami’s steady gaze for a second he bit his lip and got to his feet, leading him out to the living area silently.

Walking past, Yami met Joey’s eyes and saw that he wasn’t buying. He was going to hold his peace though, for his expression was disapproving, understanding and reassuring. He sent a silent message of thanks to the blond without changing his expression in the slightest.

After Yami’s hand had been bandaged they all sat in quite an uncomfortable silence in the living room. He had thought it unnecessary to wrap the wounds, insignificant as they were, but it kept Yugi happy so he let him. He was mostly grateful for the fact that he hadn’t pulled his sleeve up to expose his scarred wrist, the marks from the bindings still there. That would have led to a few questions.

Yugi left to make drinks leaving Yami with two faces of accusation and one of sympathy. He squirmed slightly under all three, opting to stare solidly at the far wall to avoid them.

“What the hell were you thinking?” Anzu exclaimed suddenly, keeping her voice low so Yugi wouldn’t hear. As a result it sounded like a hiss.

“Yeah Yami. You knew Yugi would get upset if you just walked out and blocked him off. Why’d you let him worry all night? It doesn’t look like you lost too much sleep,” Honda said continuing Anzu’s speech. Joey shifted slightly from where he was lent against the wall.

“Hey lay off guys. He’s probably had a rough night too,” he interrupted, trying to protect his friend who actually showed no signs of resistance. Yami was still staring at the wall, his face expressionless and his eyes almost dead.

“Say something damn it! Don’t you even care what you put him through?” Anzu shouted getting angry now at his lack of response, her hand pointing at the kitchen where Yugi was still pottering about.

That hit a very raw nerve and the speed with which Yami’s head snapped around to face them actually made them all jump. His eyes were burning with a cold fire now and every line in his face was tense.

“Of course I do,” he said through his teeth. His voice was flat and restrained now, making their faces wary. ‘How dare they accuse me of not caring? If I didn’t care I wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place. I would have left Yugi in Kresha’s possession and walked away. I’ve put up with too much to listen to this shit.’

“Do you honestly think that I thought what I did was right? Helpful? I wanted space and I went for it. I know staying out all night without a word was stupid and selfish, but I did it. I’ve apologized so leave it.”

Anzu and Honda could not respond to those words spoken in such a tone, both merely nodding slightly and casting their eyes to the floor. Joey rose a single eyebrow at him, his face stony, and Yami heaved a sigh and sunk deeper into the seat.

‘This has to end soon. Now I’m affecting the people around me with my stupidity and selfishness. Maybe it would’ve been kinder to them to have stayed out and kept cutting.’

“Yami, can I talk to ya for a sec’?” Joey spoke up after a few moments of silence.

Barely nodding Yami rose from the seat and moved towards the doorway, rubbing a hand on Yugi’s shoulder as he passed him coming into the room before moving into the kitchen. Standing infront of Joey he dropped the facade and clenched his hands into fists, bringing them up to his face and pressing them against his forehead.

“What’d you do to your hand then?” Joey asked without pretense, keeping his arms lose at his sides and watching the shorter boy carefully.

Yami would tell him anything if he asked; the levels of trust had built between them to that extent. Dropping his fists from his face he sighed again tiredly before raising his hand to his face, as if he were inspecting the wounds through the bandage. “Scissors. Seemed like a good idea at the time.”

“And now?”

“I don’t know. The temptation is still there, I guess.”

“Well ya wanna stop that before you really start,” Joey stated matter-of-factly. There was no anger in his tone, no disappointment, no anything really.

Yami smiled mirthlessly, reaching a hand into his pocket and extracting the twin blades. “You’d better take these then. Thanks for looking after Yugi for me last night.”

“Hey no problem. You know I’ll do anything for you,” he replied easily, brushing a hand through his hair after he shoved the scissors into his own pocket, feeling infinitely more relaxed now.

“And I you. And thanks for standing up for me in there. I don’t think Anzu or Honda can understand. Yugi’s forgiven me, actually he blames himself even though it was entirely my fault.”

“Now what did I tell you about beating yourself up like that? Stop doing i you you’ll only feel worse.”

Yami snorted despite himself, his arms raising and crossing across his chest. “I don’t think I can feel any worse.”

Clasping his shoulders Joey forced those crimson eyes to look up into his own. “It’ll get better, ah promise. You’re already loads better than before; I’ve been watching you. You’re not ‘hovering’ as much for a start.”

He frowned a little in confusion at that. “‘Hovering?’”

“Yeah. You either stuck close to my side or Yugi’s. All da time. You don’t do it so much now, which means ya doin’ better.”

Smiling slightly, Yami tipped his head to the side as he tried to remember his actions over the last week and found that statement to be true. “Yes, I think I am. Thank you Joey.”

“Jeez! Stop thanking me! Come on; Yugi’ll be wondering where ya are,” Joey grinned, spinning Yami around on the spot and giving him a slight, friendly push in the direction of the living room.

Finding himself smiling too Yami moved back into the room where he was relieved to see that the atmosphere had lightened up significantly. To his immense pleasure, after re-taking his seat Yugi jumped into his lap. Wrapping his arms around the other’s waist he allow him to rest his head against his shoulder beneath his chin, his hair tickling at the soft skin of his throat above the collar of his jacket.

//I’m so glad you’re home.//

//As am I.//

//Promise me you’ll never do that again.//

//I swear from the bottom of my soul. I’ll always be around to look after you. I promise.//

****