State of Mind

PAIRING(S): Seto + Mokuba

ORIGINAL CHARACTERS: Grey-san, Corvin-san, Field-san and the Kravans.

SPOILERS: None really, since the plot is most likely more AU than anything else.

SUMMARY: Mokuba is now 15 years old and has grown into a confident young man. In the years since Secrets that Remain Mokuba has become aware of Seto's game and the brothers have become inseparably close. Yet many secrets still remain. As the eve of Mokuba's 16th birthday nears, a new and unusual tension is in the air.
What lies beneath the surface of happy days and silent nights? When the demons of the past will not die, how does one continue to live? "This ephemeral peace will one day shatter and all shall fall away...”

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Yuugiou nor am I making any money from this story. Please give appropriate support toward Yuugiou's mangaka Takahashi Kazuki.

*****WARNINGS: PLEASE NOTE that this story contains direct mention and some description of sexual/mental child abuse between two males. This content is portrayed as a damaging, terrible act of violation toward a child as any type of child abuse is; however, if this subject offends you in ANY way, please do not read.
Contains Yaoi/MalexMale/Homosexual and incestuous situations, mature language, mention of attempted suicide, and various other not nice things.

-Blood.

---Chapter 15---

Presently, Mokuba sat aghast in utter defeat by the confession. He pressed his palm hard against his open mouth, stomach constricting in the face of all the building outrage. The smallest, hottest tears he’d ever experienced burned his eyes, left red trails down his cheeks in proof of his rage. What could he say or do in this moment that could mean anything? The anger surging through him was not just at a dead man, but some was for himself for his fumbling earlier. How many bad memories had he been drug up within the last hour? There had been so many oblivious years, Seto holding this horrible secret inside. It seemed everything was clear now, every strange comment and reaction after their adoption, the reasons behind the things Seto did and who Mokuba watched him become as a young man. The distance between them in the Kaiba household and Seto’s extreme opinions; the atmosphere toward Gozaburo and why Seto was so quick to do as told at a single word. This was the ‘true’ explanation for why Seto had no lover, why he used to play his deadly game and his reason for his obsession to be the strongest in everything he did. Mokuba was the only soul outside of hell that knew this about Seto. That knowledge did not fill his lungs with breath or cease his urge to vomit. Nothing he had ever been through could have prepared Mokuba for this situation; he was a child, sitting scared in the dark. Yet, Seto was also a child drowning in lonely shame. Fear must not sway his feelings; Mokuba knew that he had to do something. He could not just watch Seto’s back as the brunette remained deathly still.

Seto could not breathe. His heart felt hollow and dead. He should have expected Mokuba to figure it out if given so much information. Mokuba was a brilliant boy. He was old enough to know of ‘such things’. Still, Seto had not been prepared to render Mokuba quite so much of the truth. When asked directly, he had been unable to lie to Mokuba. Omitting details was not the same as deliberate deceit. As the damning words left his lips, he knew they could never be retracted or misunderstood. He closed his eyes and was lost to the depths of his mind.

As the silence stretched on Mokuba came to recognize the importance of his next action and the urgency of doing it soon. His own shock receded in the face of Seto’s need. Mokuba had never been able to stand seeing Seto upset to any degree. All at once, Mokuba’s thoughts cleared and he moved, rising from his sitting position to his knees. He encircled Seto’s shoulders, exerting careful pressure. Mokuba could feel him breathing now, but Seto did not respond even subtly to the contact. Closing his eyes, Mokuba positioned his face close to the back of Seto’s neck and spoke as gently and clearly as possible.

“Nothing about you could ever push me away. You are more loved than anyone. Terrible things have happened to you, but you no longer need to face those things alone. You are never alone. We are family, brothers; we can handle anything together, but you have to let me walk with you.”
Some delicate instinct told Mokuba he must keep his words direct and firm to ensure Seto of their sincerity. He closed his eyes, listening to Seto’s heart beat as he spoke.
“I accept you as you are; I love every part of you.” Seto’s shoulders slowly lost their stiffness as Mokuba continued to speak, his back losing strength. Mokuba kept him steady as tiny tremors awoke within Seto. “Not one part of you is dirty. You did nothing wrong. You are not responsible for the actions of others. That monster is surely in hell as we speak.” Seto might have laughed, but the reaction was so quiet that Mokuba wasn’t sure.

“I won’t leave you by yourself. We can get through anything together, Nii-sama.” Mokuba tried to ease Seto’s face from his palms. When Seto would not relent, quick breaths escaping his mouth, Mokuba simply changed tactics and encouraged Seto to lean against him. To this Seto yielded, head shielded within Mokuba’s arms against the smaller chest. Mokuba situated the man between his knees to allow him to lie comfortably.

“Look at me, Nii-sama. Don’t be afraid of me.” At last, Seto allowed Mokuba to uncover his face. For the first time in his life Mokuba was witness to the tear-stained face of his older brother. The eyes were now only damp, but obviously red even in the dim light. This only strengthened his resolve. “There now,” Mokuba wiped away a tear trail. “You are in a safe place. There is no shame in a few tears.” He stroked the uncovered side of Seto’s head, fingers in dark hair. Bit by bit under Mokuba’s tender consoling, Seto’s eyes lost their glazed, clouded look and became clear.

Seto reached up to wipe the last of tears from his eyes. He looked serenely up at Mokuba, his ‘younger’ brother. He did not smile, but his words were guileless, “Thank you, Otouto. I feel better.”

“I’m glad. We’ll just stay like this until you feel good, not just better,” Mokuba chided fondly.

“I didn’t want you to know,” Seto responded.

“It’s understandable why you would want to keep such abuse secret, but you cannot handle the stress alone, you know.” Mokuba’s hair fell around his shoulders as he looked down. “You don’t have to shoulder it all by yourself.” He grinned lovingly, “I won’t let you. Got it?”

Seto attempted a smile, “Yeah.”

Mokuba fidgeted momentarily before speaking again, “We already covered this and I know you don’t feel the same, but just know that I love you. I’ll stick by you ‘because’ I love you; both as my brother whom I admire and as the person that I want to be with romantically. So believe in me.”

“All right, Otouto. I believe in you,” Seto’s eyes were full of appreciation and radiant with love.

“You have to promise me. I know you have a lot on your mind. If it becomes too much for you or if you are upset then come talk with me. If you can’t sleep, if you have a nightmare, if it’s 3:00 am, anything; let me be there for you. You don’t have to give me any more details than you want to offer. I won’t get mad. Okay?”

“Okay, Otouto.”

“Promise me,” he insisted.

“I promise I won’t hide away from you. I will talk to you if I need help,” Seto looked his brother directly in the eyes as he spoke.

Mokuba smiled in full relief, nodding for no reason at all.

Seto stared up at the teen, azure eyes lovingly soft. “You are good to me, Otouto. I don’t say it enough…I love you so much.” Seto blinked back the warmth which threatened to spill over; he felt unbearably susceptible to tears now. He could not remember having cried since he was eleven years old.

Mokuba blushed modestly. “Of course I am, Nii-sama. I love you.”

The brunette noticed grey eyes shift subtly at the sentence, sensing the ambiguity of Mokuba’s words. Both brothers had suffered a rough time with confessing their secrets. Mokuba would be able to support Seto through times of weakness in the future. What could Seto possibly do to help Mokuba with the feeling he possessed that could not be returned. The events from earlier returned to Seto’s composed mind. Despite his initial surprise, Seto had felt nothing at all the second time Mokuba kissed him. He felt the physical sensations of skin touching skin, but neither dislike or like toward it. No bodily reactions such as racing heart or sweaty palms, pounding head or constricted breath were aroused. He remembered the wetness of an intruding tongue and long hair that tickled his face and neck.

Otherwise, Seto was apathetic and unprepared to truly consider having a relationship. The crazy part was that he was not sure if his refusal was merely on reflex from habit and because the confessor was blood related or whether it was based on how he really felt. When was the last time Seto had made a decision based on his own wants? Not since he was a small child. He didn’t even piss unless it fit properly into his schedule. A lover had never fit into that agenda. Neither had Seto ever had a need or want for a partner. He had Mokuba and he had his memories. That was all Seto could handle on a personal level.

Everything else was for broadcasting his own power to the masses to cover his private weaknesses. The provocative whispers of over compensation for certain anterior lacking were only half accurate. He was indeed over compensating, but it was not for anything as trivial as a small body part or bedroom incompetence. With ultimately worse things to hide, Seto felt no malice toward these unfounded rumors. He appreciated the diversion even though the number of interested partners never seemed to diminish. For all their numbers, none of those gold-digging, vanity-whores ever stirred Seto’s interest or were spared a second thought.

In no way could Seto use the same attitude with Mokuba. Every affection Seto ever had and whatever he still harbored were invested toward Mokuba. He cared for his brother intensely, even obsessively so. Did those feelings include more than brotherly love? Could they? Seto had no previous experience with being in love, so he couldn’t know. All he knew was that Mokuba’s love was real and he deserved more than passing consideration and some lame excuse. Perhaps this could be put through trial.

Seto had been silent a long time, the thin fingers in his hair stimulating the thoughts of the mind beneath. He now broke the silence with conscious effort, “Mokuba. You are in love with me, are you not?” Mokuba’s fingers halted, unsure.

”Yes, Nii-sama.” His voice was slightly unsteady, anxious.

“Do you think your feelings will change someday?”

Mokuba forced a small, humorless laugh and attempted to answer jokingly, “I guess that would be for the better, huh? …No. I don’t think I could ever stop…you know, loving you.”

“We will see how you feel when you are eighteen,” he paused before adding, “how I feel.” Mokuba had tensed, heartbeat resounding in the veins under Seto’s cheek.

“Do you understand?” Seto asked quietly.

“Yes, Nii-sama,” Mokuba whispered back. The teen brought a hand up to his suddenly wet eyes. He laughed, a smile breaching his broken heart as he wiped away the salty liquid. There was hope. The chance that his love could one day be returned was no longer just wishful dreaming. He could not help but feel overwhelmed. For now Mokuba could think or speak no more on the future or the past. So much had occurred in such uncompromising haste that the youth only wanted to rest his thoughts.

“Let’s go back for the night. We have a ton to do tomorrow.”

“Good idea,” Seto replied, wiping two wet spots from his forehead and cheek, the barest of smiles on his lips.

----

I know this was a strange chapter, but I hope I was able to keep up with your expectations! I'm really loving all the fine reviews I've gotten! I have read them all a dozen times. ^_^
Thank you for showing me you enjoy this story. It will be finished after one more chapter. There will be 16 in all. I'll update soon! <3