My life my pain

Pov Jou

The doctor didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know. The only thing he wanted to talk to me about was the health of my sister, and he advised me to send the exhausted girl home. I assured him that I had taken care of that already.

When I returned to my father’s room, everybody was already gone, and I was alone with my unconscious dad.

I sat down next to his bed and starred blankly at him. He looked so broken…so fragile. I swallowed hard, trying to suppress the tears that were welling up. I never had an easy relationship with my father. His drinking had always been a problem for me…giving me almost more problems than him. I had to be the grown up in our little family from early on. It was me who paid the bills, me who always made sure that the fridge wasn’t empty, and me who cared for him when he was sick… He had sometimes been more of a burden than help, but…now that I don’t know if he will survive, I suddenly don’t know anymore what I will do if he leaves me. Sure I have Shizuka, but she lives with the one person who doesn’t even want to acknowledge my existence, and we don’t see each other on a regular basis, so if my father should really die, I would be all alone. Nobody will be waiting for me at home and nobody will rely on me.

I don’t know how long I sat there starring at my dad, but it felt like mere seconds until the door opened and Seto walked in. He took a chair and sat down next to me.

“I took care of Shizuka. She is now sleeping in one of our guestrooms. Mokuba is at home if she should need anything…what’s with you? Do you need anything?”

“No…I’m fine.” I said, my eyes still glued on my father.

“Jou...”

“Not now Seto…please, I’m fine.” I knew if Seto would offer his help just one more time I would break down.

We sat there like that for a while. Me starring at my dad and Seto constantly glancing in my direction. I was observing my dad so intensely that I immediately noticed his change in breathing and his flattering eyes.

“Oh god, DAD!”

Slowly his eyes fluttered open. “Katsu…ya…?” He whispered and one of his hands weakly reached for me. I gripped his hand and squeezed it reassuringly. “Yes dad, I’m here, I’m here. Oh god…thanks god. I thought you would…you would…” And finally the dam broke and I let my tears fall down my cheeks freely.

My dad feel asleep again even before Shizuka was back at the hospital, but the doctor told me that that was perfectly normal. That if he would rest enough now he would be as good as new in a few weeks.

I felt like crying again. I was so relieved…but also very, very tired. It was like the worry had kept my body going on, but now that I was assured that everything was going to be fine it felt like I hadn’t rested for days.

Of course Seto noticed that something was wrong. Nothing escaped his sharp eyes. “Hey Jou, why don’t you get some sleep? I will tell my driver to bring you home and I will wait here for your sister.”

“I don’t feel safe leaving him like that,” I said, “I know he will be okay, but…I don’t want to leave him just yet.”

“I understand that. Than let me at least get you some coffee.”

I smiled at him. Coffee sounded heavenly at the moment.

He got us two cups of coffee and the two of us sat down next to my fathers bed again.

“Are you really okay Jou?” Seto asked.

“Yeah, just tiered. I can’t believe…I…god, I almost lost my father.” I swallowed hard as I felt tears welling up again.

“But you didn’t.”

“…no, I didn’t, but…gods, I was so close to losing him…so close. What would I have done if he had really…Seto…I…” I looked up with pleading eyes. I didn’t know what I was pleading for, but I hoped Seto would know.

And he did.

Suddenly he just grabbed me and I was in his lap. His arms around me. His hand petting my hair. His mouth whispering soothingly into my ear. It wasn’t until his thumb brushed against my cheek that I realized I was crying and he was brushing my tears away. I buried my head in his neck. Trying to hide myself. My hands were clawing at his back and I was sobbing almost violently.

“I…Jou, I know he is your father and I am just a friend, but…I just want you to know that you will never be alone. I will always be there for you Jou. No matter what. And so will the others. You should know that by now. I am your friend and would never leave you.”

I detangled myself from him so that I was able to look into his face. “You will always be there for me?...As a friend?”

“A friend, a confident, someone to lean on- anything you want me to be.”

I searched Seto’s eyes and there was no doubt that he spoke honestly. “And…and what if I want more than that?” I couldn’t help it. Having Seto so close to me, declaring that he would always be there for me…I needed him. Needed him wholly. Needed to know that he could give me all I needed from him.

“Jou I don’t understand…”

I leaned forward and whispered: “I will show you.” And with that I closed the small gap between us and kissed him desperately. I was afraid he would shove me away, but I was so desperate for him to accept me that I didn’t care for the consequences at that moment and tried out my luck.

And he didn’t shove me away at all. I may have been the one to start the kiss but he was the one who let it go on and on. He almost forced my lips apart and then shoved his tongue in.

His kiss was rough, hard, and the best I ever had. God, I could almost feel my lips bruise with how passionate it was. Seto’s hands were all over me trying to rip my shirt apart to get to my skin. “God Jou,” He whispered against my lips when the need of air forced us apart. “Do you really mean it? Could you really do these things with another male…me? Do you really like me that way?”

“I…” I felt like screaming ´YES, YES I WANT YOU´, but just in that moment there was a knock on the door. More than a bit annoyed that I was interrupted for the xth time, I got up from Seto’s lap and opened the door forcefully. “Who…oh Gino…What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to visit your father…what else would I want?”

That was when it hit me. Shit. I HAD JUST MADE OUT INFRONT OF MY DAD!!! My sleeping dad, but that wasn’t the point here. He could have woken up any moment and seeing his supposedly straight son making out with another boy right in front him…god, it would probably have killed him…just after he had killed Seto…or me.

“I…come in. He’s asleep though.”

Gino stepped in and I was so embarrassed about totally forgetting about my father while I was making out with Seto that I wasn’t able to look into his eyes.

It wasn’t until 6 hours later that my father woke up again. I was alone with him. Seto had left without a word shortly after Gino came and Gino had left with Shizuka an hour ago.

“Hey dad. How do you feel.”

“Horrible…but I will live.” My dad croaked out. “What happened?”

“Car accident…do you remember anything?”

“…I…I remember being at Gino’s…we…we had a fight about…something. I left him angry. That’s all…Is anybody else hurt?”

“No, you were the only one who ended up in the hospital and had his son, daughter and friend worried.” I tried to joke but I guess the tears in my eyes betrayed me.

“I’m sorry I worried you so much, Katsuya. I’m really sorry.”

I brushed away my tears with the back of my hand and smiled down at my father. “Its okay now. You are alright.”

“Katsuya I…I have to tell you something. I…god I have been so stupid… The reason why Gino and I fought, why we always fight is…”

“You don’t have to tell me. It’s okay…”

“NO IT’S NOT. Katsuya I have hidden this fact about myself for all my life, from all my friends, from you. I don’t want that anymore. I want to sleep at night without having nightmares of what you would say to me if you should find out. I want to stop drowning my sorrows in alcohol. Katsuya, Gino is not just a friend to me. He is my boyfriend. I am gay.”

“…okay it must be the lack of sleep because I just thought you said you were gay.”

“I am gay. Can you accept that?”

“Dad? Do you feel okay? I…” I noticed my fathers serious expression. Oh god. He really was serious. “Dad, I don’t understand. Since…since when?”

“I think even before I knew your mother…I just never acknowledged it until after she left me and I guess I never really accepted it. I have been with Gino for almost six years now, but nobody knows about it. God, I have broken up with him so often because he wanted to tell you.”

I felt my head spinning painfully. I was so confused. “I always thought you were…were kind of homophobic. You always…especially when you were drunk…you spoke so meanly about gays…why?”

“Katsuya I…I have never really accepted this part of me, I was embarrassed and most of all I feared what…what you would think of me.”

“What I would think of you? Dad, I love you. Nothing could ever change that. Especially not that. Dad…I’m…just like you I have hidden myself for the better part of my life. I…am too…gay I mean.”

“Was that why you were kissing that brown-haired boy?” He asked with twinkle in his eyes.


Thanks to Kitsune Seven for betaing