Not This Time
Reconciliation
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Chapter Fourteen – Reconciliation
kissing him gently, but firmly. I can feel his heart racing in his chest
beneath me; I think it’s from fear. He’s afraid of me, afraid of the situation,
afraid of facing what he’s been avoiding, and that’s only consciously.
Subconsciously, he’s afraid of me leaving him again – or worse yet, killing him
again. He’s afraid of taking this step I’m forcing him into, because it’s
always brought him one step closer to his death. He’s afraid of doing anything
that may change what already exists, because while what we have is not perfect,
it’s good enough, and he would rather have this than nothing at all. He still
doesn’t quite believe that he doesn’t have to die, not this time.
acknowledging that all of our past lives really did exist. That I really did
hurt him like that. He doesn’t want to believe it. I’m going to force him to
face it, though, because he’ll never relax and be truly happy if he doesn’t.
He’ll always be looking over his shoulder, afraid of what I’m going to do to
him, and not even sure why…
quietly. “Really. I don’t want to hurt you; I’ll never hurt you again. I know
you don’t want to hear me, because you’re afraid I’ll break my promises again,
but I swear this. You’ll always be safe with me now. I’ll never hurt you
again.”
to let them escape. Doubt swims through their blue depths, fear darkens them,
but he doesn’t try to look away. Whatever else he is – and he is a lot – Seto
has never been a coward.
doesn’t try to deny it; in fact, he nearly seems relieved that I saw it on my
own. “It doesn’t matter. It’s still true.” I lean down to kiss him; he isn’t
responsive, but he doesn’t fight me.
He’s still afraid of me. It’s almost… almost like I’m trying to rape him in the
name of love. He doesn’t want me to do it. I have to do it, or he’ll always be
afraid of me… But I want him to want me to do it.
don’t be afraid of me. You know I love you, right?” He nods, almost hesitantly.
He does know it, though – I can see in his eyes that he knows it, that he isn’t
just saying it to make me happy. He understands that I love him. “You know I
will never hurt you.”
doesn’t know any such thing. He’ll take my word for it, but he doesn’t quite
believe it.
stroke his cheek with the backs of my fingers. “I want to show you that I’ll
never hurt you. How much I love you.” I kiss him lightly. “Will you let me?”
Without permission, I won’t touch him. I need him to do this, but I won’t do it
without express permission.
“Seto…” He delivered them so expressionlessly, just looking at me. Like he’s
resigned to it.
the corner of the wall and ceiling. No… no no no! He has entirely the wrong
idea! He thinks I just want to use him…
make him look at me. “Listen to me – hear what I’m saying. I love you, and I’ve
always loved you. I will never hurt you, and I will never use you. I don’t want
to ‘fuck’ you. I only want to love you…”
indifferently. “That’s all it is.” He’s still not receptive; his gaze drifts
back to the corner.
him. He doesn’t seem to realize I’ve let go of him, am now lying beside him, still
staring as he is up toward the corner. Is this what he did while his stepfather
abused him? Just retreated into himself and let it happen to him?
again; he seems startled when he sees me. “We don’t have to. If you don’t want
me to, I won’t touch you. It can be the most beautiful thing two people can
share… I’m sorry all you’ve ever known of it is pain.” I stroke his cheek with
my thumb, my head resting on my other arm, trying to make him see that I love
him with my eyes.
me. “It’s not your fault.”
himself? Insane…
yourself?” I suppose I could have asked more gently, but I think he needs
bluntness – he gives enough of it, at least.
looking at me, apparently almost unrelatedly. “What he did to me wasn’t right,
but what he said… If I had been strong – if I had been anything more than a
weak little child, it never would have happened.”
I wrap my arms around him and refuse to let him go. “You were twelve years old…
You were a child. He never should have been doing anything like that to you in
the first place. It wasn’t because you were weak – you never gave in, never let
him beak you – that shows that you were strong. Why can’t you see that
everything he ever said to you was a lie?”
Kaiba was a very intelligent man. He understood what he was talking about – he understood
strength. I will never call him a weak man. He was also manipulative and a
liar, but he did teach me those lessons, and that’s been invaluable my entire
life. I hate him, but I have to thank him.” He sounds so reasonable – telling me
that he has to thank that man you abused him for years because of the lessons
he taught him. This isn’t right.
I only sigh and hold him, and make a note to talk about it in the morning.