Chapter 13 is here! Even the title is a pun of something! Now is when we start the Monopoly of Doom saga. I hope you like it. If anyone else besides Kuromei is reading this, please send me a review, telling me what you think of it. I want to know if I'm doing a good job. Don't make me use the puppy dog eyes! Enjoy the show (or else)!
Wacky Crazy Funny Silly Zany Party Fan Fic
Chapter 13: Why Monopoly Is Eeeeeeeeevil!
We open up to find a massive rampage going on. The CDL is stomping around a small, miniaturized city, pretending that she is a really big monster. The rest of the cast are just staring at her, incredulously.
“RAAAWWR!” roars the CDL. “I don’t know what incredulously means, but I don’t like it already!”
Then the bell rings. Suddenly, the CDL becomes calm and sedated.
“Alright, class. Recess is over.” Everyone does an anime drop. “Now let us begin our unit on the Monopoly of Doom.”
Another bell rings and Joey, upon hearing it, salivates.
“I don’t get it.” says Tea.
“Most high school students wouldn’t.” replies Pegasus.
“No interruptions!” yells the CDL. “Don’t make me deduct ten minutes off of the next recess!”
“NOOOOO!!!!” everybody yells, including the CDL.
And now for a commercial break! (Already? Whatever.) COMMERCIAL’S OVER!!!
“...and that’s how it will work out.” finishes the CDL.
Yugi, Tea, Joey, and Tristan all raise their hands.
“Can you repeat that? We weren’t paying attention. We were too busy being sold into buying something from the commercial due to subliminal ads.”
The CDL sighs.
“Well, since it was because of subliminal ads, I suppose I can let it slide this time. I’ll repeat it again, but pay attention this time!”
She looks forward. Yugi is already polishing the Millennium Puzzle, Tea is being brain-controlled by some new freak with powers, Joey is fast asleep, and Tristan is passing love notes to Duke.
“THEY’RE NOT LOVE NOTES! WE’RE NOT GAY!”
Suuurrreee...
“May death come swiftly to these imbeciles.” mutters the CDL and, not that anyone noticed, Bakura too. “Alright!” (No longer Bakura saying this.) “Let’s just get on with this!”
The camera now shows flashy, fancy, computer-animated pictures and sequences while the CDL voice narrates. None of it is necessary, but we need ratings badly.
“There are ten people, including myself. However, only five people will play. People will team up into couples so that there are five groups.”
“Dibs on...” starts Pegasus.
“QUIET!” shouts everybody else.
“After teams are decided, and game pieces are selected, the game begins. Standard rules apply, but also, be aware that certain ‘house rules’ WILL come into effect after a certain point in the game.”
For a brief moment, the CA graphics disappears, and we find the CDL holding a flashlight up and in front of her face in an otherwise dark room.
Hey. I thought that the setting was supposed to be a classroom.
“Oh yeah. That’s right.”
Scene changes back to the classroom.
“It must be the crack.” whispers Joey to Yugi.
Yugi nods.
The scene goes back to the CA stuff.
“Snort! Ah, that’s good stuff. Huh? Oh! Yeah, um...‘house rules’ will come into effect. Yeah. There we are. (Goes back into story telling mode) But, I won’t tell you what these house rules are. You’ll just have to roll with the punches. Muahaha! I know, the laugh’s shortened, but I need to condense this as much as possible. Now then, if, by the end of the game, one of you manages to beat me, then I will lift the curse from each and every one of you, and bid you farewell. However, if I win, which I will, then I get the pleasure of seeing each of you die! It’s sort of like a reverse masochism (That’s called sadism). Now then, that’s about all I have to say, but we still have about ten minutes left of this CA presentation, so let’s all stare at it in wonder and awe.”
Everybody stares at the CA thingy.
“Ooooooo. Ahhhhhh.” they all say. The narrator, needing some money for food, goes around and picks everybody’s pockets while they’re staring. This goes completely unnoticed.
Ten minutes later... They’re still staring, unblinking, unmoving. It’s kinda creepy. Then the presentation ends. They all go to the gift shop, conveniently located next to the camera that showed the CA, and buy gifts that support the screening. Consumerism wins once again.
“We’re never going to get to the actual game, are we?” asks Yugi.
Probably not. But you’re not doing anything important right now, so why complain?
“Ohhhh...” Yugi groans.
“And now, it’s time to choose teams!” randomly shouts the CDL, who snuck out of the gift store to buy a bag of pure, unfiltered sugar.
And so, going through the same processes as they did when deciding who would sleep with who at Yugi’s house, the teams were decided. And this time, I’ll actually tell you what they are! Consider it a “personal” gift from me to you. (Audience is now getting creeped out) The teams are: Joey and Serenity, Tristan and Duke (figures), Mai and Tea, Yugi and Ryo, and Pegasus and the CDL.
“Why am I on the enemy’s side?” asks Pegasus.
“Everybody needs to be in this game, and there are nine of you. Look at it this way, if I win, which I will, I might make you live longer...by making your death slower.”
“Yay! Wait a minute...” Pegasus goes off to think, fails, and goes to buy the latest in cheese.
“And now it’s time to choose your game pieces! Naturally, I choose Pegasus!” shouts the overly eccentric CDL.
“Huh?” says everybody else.
“That’s right! A team’s game piece will be...one of the team members!”
The CA screen comes back on, showing random, fake data about the teams. But, it also shows who the game pieces will be. And they are: Serenity (followed by a round of applause), Duke (followed by murmurs about how Tristan will “handle” his game piece), Mai (nothing), Ryo (shows who wears the pants), and of course, Pegasus (who is still mumbling “Why me?”).
“Hey!” shouts Mai. “Why are all the secondary characters game pieces?”
Because you’re paid less.
“Makes sense.” says Ryo.
“Welcome to Hollywood, anime/fanfic style.” said Duke.
“And so now, if you would follow me, we will go over to the game table and start playing for your lives! How fun!”
“Can’t we just play rock-paper-scissors?” asks Serenity.
“Um...no. We need to fill up the page requirement.”
And so, they all proceed to go over to the game table, which was about the same size as a normal dinner table. On it, was the official Monopoly game board. There is just one thing wrong with this picture.
“Why isn’t the board the ‘Yu-Gi-Oh!’ version?” said Yugi.
That...was not what the narrator had in mind.
“How are all the game pieces, half of us, going to fit onto that tiny board game?” Serenity asks.
“You have to position them
just right...” answers the CDL.
“Can’t you just shrink us or something? It’s not like that would be the first time that’s happened.” says Duke.
“What do I look like? A sorcerer of the black arts?” says the CDL, while fondling her Millennium Brassiere. “What?”
“Nothing.” replies everyone else.
“Can we just start this thing already?” shouts out Joey.
“Sure. Why not. We’re not doing anything else important at the moment.” the apathetic CDL says.
So Yugi, Joey, Tea, Tristan, and the CDL all pick up and place their very heavy game pieces onto the Monopoly board. THEN, they try to move the pieces towards the “Go” space, all vying for the majority of the spot. The game pieces, being game pieces, simply sit there and do nothing while being knocked around. After that issue was resolved, the CDL started passing out the money for each of the “real” players. She was also acting as the banker.
“Hey!” exclaims Yugi. “This money is real!”
“Did you STEAL this money?” asks Tea.
“No! I either took it from the corpses of the mortals that I’ve beaten before, or I got it from prostitution!” said the CDL, with dignity.
“I didn’t need to know that.” said Tristan.
“And now,” said the CDL, ignoring Tristan’s comment, “we will roll dice to see who goes first.”
Rolling dice, Yugi rolled a 7, Tea rolled a 29, Tristan rolled a 69, Joey rolled a billion and 2, and the CDL rolled a 1.
“What were the odds of me rolling a 1 with a billion and 3 sided die?!” asked the bewildered CDL.
“About the same as you even having five a billion and 3 sided dice.” said Joey.
“My legs are cramping up.” complained Mai.
“Quiet game piece!” shouted the CDL and Tea.
Everybody looks at Tea. She instantly catches herself and blushes.
“Oops. Sorry. I’m not used to being dominant over somebody else.”
Joey has already rolled his dice and is moving Serenity across the board.
“WAIT FOR THE REST OF US!!!” Tea screams and smacks Joey across the head with a random trout.
“Oww! What was that for? Are you PMSing or something? Where did the fish come from?”
“It just happens to be that time of the month, that’s all.” says Tea, indifferently.
The rest of the girls look at her with a mix of surprise and sympathy.
“Anyways, I landed on Madison Avenue. (I have no idea the correct placings of Monopoly spaces. I don’t actually own the original version.) And I want to buy it!”
“Alright. Give me your money, and your soul. Gimme, gimme, gimme!!!” says the delirious banker, a.k.a: the CDL.
“Okay. Let’s see here. It cost $500. And my soul is worth...hey, wait a minute here!”
“Better late than never, idiot.” says the game piece, formally known as Bakura.
“I don’t have enough money to sell my soul. Hey, Tea. Can I borrow $1,000?”
After everybody recovers from the pure stupidity of Joey’s comment, Joey is slapped repeatedly until he is effectively lobotomized.
“You know,” says Tea. “I should just hand over the $1,000, just because you deserve to lose your soul for that little money.”
“Fine. I won’t sell my soul.” said Joey, dejectedly.
“Fine.” said the CDL. “Party-pooper.” she mutters.
Next in line! Tristan rolled his dice. Duke looks mad that Tristan was using a brand of die different than his own. So much for loyalty to one’s own boyfriend.
“HE’S NOT MY BOYFRIEND! WE’RE NOT GAY!”
Suuurrreee...
Anyways, the dice stop and Tristan picks up Duke with relative ease and moves him across the board.
“Okay, so I landed on the train station. I guess that I should buy it. Here’s the $1,000. And, it’s your turn, Tea.”
“You go girl!” shouts Mai. “Roll a twelve for me!”
Tea throws the dice, which hit Mai between the eyes, and then gets stuck in her cleavage.
“Hey Mai!” says Joey. “Let me get that for you.” He is now drooling.
“Pervert.” Mai says, slapping Joey across the face.
The movement loosened the dice, which fall from her cleavage, into the rim of her pants.
“NOW can I...” Joey begins.
Mai goes ahead and removes Joey’s tongue.
“Hat wasen vaary ice!” gurgles Joey.
“You deserved it. Now then, according to my inner thighs, you rolled a 9, Tea.”
Tea moves Mai across the board, which finally causes the dice to fall out of Mai.
“Alright! I landed on the Insane Asylum! I wanna buy it so badly! Here’s $900. Keep the change.”
“But Tea,” states Yami. “It only costs $300...”
“But I always like to tip!”
Nobody even tries to reason with her. Yami rolls the dice next. Of course, being the King of Games, he rolls a 2.
“Hey, I ALMOST lost to Duke when playing Dungeon Dice Monsters (which has since become nonexistent in the gaming world).”
“So what DO you sell at your shop, Duke?” asks Tristan.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” says a blushing Duke.
“I’ll pass at buying this space.” says Yami. “It isn’t worth that much anyways.”
“What?!?” yells Bakura. “I would’ve robbed this ‘Central Park’ of everything it had, if it were up to me!”
“Bakura,” Yami said. “All Central Park has is apples.”
“NO!!!” screams Bakura, clutching his head in agony. “NOT APPLES! NOT AGAIN! ANYTHING BUT APPLES!”
Everybody else is really creeped out, so they decide to move on. The CDL rolls next. She moves her game piece, while conveniently groping him in doing so, and places him on the “Jail” space.
“Alright! We should win this in no time!” shouts Joey, who now has a surgically put in tongue.
“Hahahaha!” laughs the CDL (Well, duh! What do you THINK she was doing? Exercising her vocal cords to sing the National Anthem?). “I wouldn’t be too sure about that! In this version of the Monopoly of DOOM, the ‘Jail’ space works a little bit differently...”
The CDL continues to laugh evilly for a while, while the cast looks at her like she only has one breast. But it is clear that she has two, because everybody is staring at both of them, except for Serenity.
What does the jail space do? Why is the CDL (and the author) so stark-craving mad? Why is Serenity so innocent? Is it possible that she is the reincarnation of the Virgin Mary? Will Yami win this Shadow Game again, causing this entire story to become boring and repetitive, like the episodes of “Yu-Gi-Oh!”? Will the author change writing styles again? Probably. So when I count to three, you will go into a deep trance, and will imagine that you are awaiting for the next chapter of...Wacky Crazy Funny Silly Zany Party Fan Fic! One...two...three!
To be continued...
