My life my pain

My Life - My Pain
Parings: Kaiba/Jou and H/O later YY/Y and B/R
Disclaimer: Yu-Gi-Oh and it character doesn’t belong to me

Before you read please notice:
-I have never seen the end of the series or read the manga. I have just now that Yami left to the afterlife. I don’t know what really happened with Bakura but in my story he had to go with Yami. With afterlife I mean heaven… sorry if it I different in the original.
-Anzu exist but she is not friends with the gang… don’t know I will ever bring her up.
-I don’t know how the school system in Japan or America or wherever works. In my story everybody graduates with 18.
-I will use the Japanese names
-English is not my mother tongue so I will probably make a lot spelling and grammar mistakes. I will try to check the spelling myself but as for the grammar somebody will have to help me! So contact me.
-This is my fist fic ever, so please be kind
-If you have any suggestions as how this story should continue -tell me
-If you think I have no talent in writing at all or my English I just too bad- tell me
-If something in my story just makes no sense- tell me
-If you are just a know it all and want to piss me off- shut the fuck up and go annoy somebody else.

Thanks
Prologue: Jou

At first Yugi seemed to be alright. I sometimes caught him with tears in his eyes or a sad expression but nothing extraordinary. When he realized that I had seen him he would wipe the tears away and put on one of these sweet smiles of his and would say, “Don’t worry Jou, I know Yami is happy where he is now, and I will do my best to be happy as well. I wouldn’t want him to worry about me.”

And I accepted it.

I thought Yugi just felt like he had lost his favorite big brother when Yami left to the afterlife. It was much later when I found out it was actually love that Yugi felt for his darker half, but even then I didn’t realize how serious it was.


The changes in Ryou were far more obvious than in Yugi, and they happened much sooner.

When Bakura disappeared Ryou became… rougher. His sweet nature vanished and it was almost like he had disappeared and Bakura had taken his place. In fact that was what Honda and I suspected at first, till Ryou had his first breakdown - after he had hurt one of our classmates with a knife.

It wasn’t too serious, but the long red slash on our classmate’s cheek hat startled Ryou. He fell to his knees and began to weep. Yugi, Honda and I gathered him up while Otogi took the other guy to the infirmary. Fortunately, no one else was around. While we tried to take Ryou out of the school building he started to apologize again and again. “I am sorry…so sorry…please…I didn’t really want to hurt him…I am so sorry…” We arrived outside and sat him down on a bench. He looked down and we could see big water drops hitting the ground.

“Come on Ryou, pull yourself together man. Nothing serious happened. Just tell us what’s wrong and we will try everything we can to help you,” Honda had said.

When Ryou had finally looked up, he was still crying but he looked somewhat angry. “It’s just not fair,” he whispered and he looked down again at the knife which had been in his hand the whole time. When he spoke again he raised his voice and screamed, “It’s not fair…it’s not fair that he had to go, to die, when I still live…how could he go without me? How can I live without him? He could have lived through me…I’m sorry if I hurt you in the future but...“ He looked up at our startled faces. His tears stopped and his eyes hardened further; he now looked much meaner…like Bakura. “I cant let him go, even if it’s jut me pretending to be him.” He wiped the blood, which had gathered at the tip of the knife, off on his trousers and stood up. He left without looking back at us.

From that day on he had never been the same - expect for the few times he would break down and apologize. He stopped coming to school and started stealing and fighting.

And then one day, he was caught murdering.

Strangely enough it was Ryou who did it and not his recreation of Bakura.
He had come upon a guy trying to rape a little girl. I think the real Bakura wouldn’t have cared less, but something within Ryou snapped. He drew his knife and killed the guy with one clean cut through the throat. He is now in a rehabilitation center - for his own safety. No charges were made by the police. They reported that he had acted in self-defense and to save the girl. I think they went soft on him because they were happy to be rid of that guy, a pedophile serial rapist.


Ryou’s hospitalization was going on at the same time I started to think that maybe Yugi wasn’t as well as he always claimed to be. He had become much quieter and smiled less and less until he stopped entirely. It was strange. At first we all thought it was because of Ryou, but when I asked him about it he looked confused and asked, “Ryou? What’s wrong with Ryou?” It was like he had completely forgotten.

After that he stopped speaking and eating. Honda, Grandpa and I felt so useless… nothing could bring Yugi to listen to reason. He became like a puppet, just staring of into space.

Not two months after Ryou, Yugi was sent to the rehabilitation center as well. Two of my best friends in a hospital because of a broken heart.

This happened two years ago…one month before graduation. Not the best of situations, but somehow Honda and I managed it. I did it mostly for Yugi. It just felt wrong to waste all of Yugi’s efforts to pull me through high school.


At this time I couldn’t really understand the pain Ryou and Yugi were going through. I had never been in love. Of course there was one girl or another in high school that I liked or found pretty, but not in a sexual way. They didn’t give me restless nights or hard-ons like normal boys had, or so I read… I thought I just hadn’t found the right one yet or was just too young to have a real sexual drive (at 16... man I was so stupid!).

Today, I know I just looked in the wrong direction. Being brought up in a homophobic household led to my slow realization and acceptance that I was gay.

Now two years after graduation, still no one knows. I am just too afraid of everyone’s reaction, which is stupid I know, but…

The funny thing is all my friends are gay. The crazy ones as well as the sane.

During the whole ordeal with Yugi and Ryou, Honda and Otogi had somehow gotten together. They are still madly in love with each other. And Ryou and Yugi are obviously in love with their Yamis. Maybe it has to do with the shared soul thing, or maybe it’s just attraction but either way, they love them. So I really don’t know why I fell that there is nothing wrong with them being in love with guys, but am ashamed to admit that I feel the same. Maybe I am just as crazy as Ryou and Yugi. Who knows?

I still have newer been in love. When my sexual desire becomes too strong I go to one of the discos in Domino.

There I would find someone to satisfy me. If you know what to look for it’s quite easy to distinguish between homos and heteros. I would never take one of them to my home, nor would I go to theirs. I don’t want that… You see, I always think it is something dirty, having sex with a guy when I am one myself. So I have sex in dirty, dark and anonymous places. Like bathrooms, side alleys or sometimes, when the guy obviously just wants to have sex and nothing more, I let him take me to a hotel or let him pay for one…depends on how desperate I am.

I know I am the one making sex dirty by doing it on such a causal basis, without any feeling and hidden away, but I can’t help it. Just thinking about getting serious with a guy, telling my friends - or worse my family - makes me nauseous.

And my dad would probably kill me straight away. I still live with him. The low paying job I have now could never bring me enough money to afford my own home. But it’s not too bad, I guess. My dad is a decent guy when he’s not drunk, and if he is…well, he’s always sorry in the morning.

Welcome to my pathetic life.