schedule
March 23, 2013 at 12:00 AM
Sheesh, this is..just bad. I came across this ficlet as part of an MST and thought it was a hoax. To see that it actually exists and that you even did a sequel..Please, just go back to fourth grade and revise your grammar. Please. Even if not for us readers, then at least for yourself.
schedule
November 25, 2006 at 12:00 AM
I know this was a roleplay and all, but this didn't make sense whatsoever. It was completely random and you had plenty of mistakes! Normally you edit it to make the story flow. If you take your roleplay and convert it into a story you have to make the story flow. Not just have something like:
1: Jou attack Kaiba with his lips
2:Kaiba moaned.
1: Jou smirked as he kiss kaiba's lips.
You want to make sure it makes sense so that it turns out like:
Jou attacked Kaiba with his lips, kissing Kaiba with a ferocity he'd never shown anyone before. Kaiba moaned into the kiss, loving the feeling of Joey's lips against his own. "Mutt!" Kaiba groaned out in anticipation of what was to come. Jou smirked as he kissed Kaiba's lips, happy to have been able to tame the dragon that was Kaiba.
You don't want it to seem out of place. When I read your story I felt out of place. The idea was good, but still, improvements could have been made to make the story flow.
1: Jou attack Kaiba with his lips
2:Kaiba moaned.
1: Jou smirked as he kiss kaiba's lips.
You want to make sure it makes sense so that it turns out like:
Jou attacked Kaiba with his lips, kissing Kaiba with a ferocity he'd never shown anyone before. Kaiba moaned into the kiss, loving the feeling of Joey's lips against his own. "Mutt!" Kaiba groaned out in anticipation of what was to come. Jou smirked as he kissed Kaiba's lips, happy to have been able to tame the dragon that was Kaiba.
You don't want it to seem out of place. When I read your story I felt out of place. The idea was good, but still, improvements could have been made to make the story flow.
schedule
March 18, 2004 at 12:00 AM
Gahhhh! This one's even worse than your other shit! Why did I even bother giving you a second chance?!? You really need to pay attention in English class, you know the one where they teach you to read and spell and use your brain?
schedule
October 21, 2003 at 12:00 AM
cool! thumbs up!
schedule
October 18, 2003 at 12:00 AM
Are you stopping the fic there????? You better not! I want some yaoi sex! It's a great PWP so far, keep going, at least give one full blown lemon, please? *gives puppy dog eyes*
schedule
July 13, 2003 at 12:00 AM
you have to be updating after this! you can't leave it like that! -lol- but i like!!! ~Leaf~
schedule
July 8, 2003 at 12:00 AM
MMmmmmm So yummy....So hot! ARIGATO! MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE!!!! Kudasai??! ^_^ ARIGATO! Jaaa!
schedule
July 7, 2003 at 12:00 AM
mmm....chocolate sauce and Seto......horray faoi aoi goodies!
schedule
July 7, 2003 at 12:00 AM
HAI!!!! ohhh my goodnesss.... you boys bring that chocolate syrup to MAMA!!!
schedule
July 6, 2003 at 12:00 AM
Jams: You can't LEAVE ite the that!!!
Seto Plushie: Oh yes they can!
Neko Jounouchi: LEMON!!! LEMON!!! LEMON!!!
Seto Plushie: ::smacks Neko Jounochi's head:: No dammit!! No lemons!!
Neko Jounouchi: ::chucks a lemon at Seto Plushie's head:: I want a lemon you big stud you!! XD
Seto Plushie: O_____o
Seto Plushie: Oh yes they can!
Neko Jounouchi: LEMON!!! LEMON!!! LEMON!!!
Seto Plushie: ::smacks Neko Jounochi's head:: No dammit!! No lemons!!
Neko Jounouchi: ::chucks a lemon at Seto Plushie's head:: I want a lemon you big stud you!! XD
Seto Plushie: O_____o