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January 6, 2010 at 12:00 AM
X3 it's cute and random enough to distract me and forgive you ;)
I liked the ending, it was sweet and fit well with the build-up.
I'm glad you found my advice helpfull, and I look forward to reading what you come up with next.
:3
I liked the ending, it was sweet and fit well with the build-up.
I'm glad you found my advice helpfull, and I look forward to reading what you come up with next.
:3
schedule
January 4, 2010 at 12:00 AM
I like your story, it has a lot of potential.
The first thing that comes to mind in terms of making it better would be to flesh out the story a bit more in each chapter.
They're really short, without any major plot developments or cliffhangers within that space, and therefore doesn't produce much excitement for the next update. I think if you were to put a bit more of the story into the chapters, maybe a sudden turn of events(like somebody overhearing a conversation, etc), more dialogue or more background it would give us as a reader more to go on in terms of forming an opininon about the events and guessing what's going to happen next.
The only other thing I can think of at the moment would be to keep Seto and Jou a bit more in character.
Even though both boys seems to have some sort of feelings towards each other in your story, I find it highly unlikely that Seto would just lend his pants to Jou without a thorough insult, or Jou just accepting them like it was nothing. The petty arguments and namecalling is their way of communicating in their rather weird and complicated "friendship" in canon, and it just doesn't fit them to be this friendly around each other.
Have you read the story "Graffiti" and "Fixation" by the_lost_ogg?
The author of these stories has a very good way of writing Seto and Jou's characters.
It's worth checking out for inspiration, or just for a good read if you want to. (I'm a major fan of "fixation" myself XD)
The best of luck further on with your story, I'll be waiting for the next update.
The first thing that comes to mind in terms of making it better would be to flesh out the story a bit more in each chapter.
They're really short, without any major plot developments or cliffhangers within that space, and therefore doesn't produce much excitement for the next update. I think if you were to put a bit more of the story into the chapters, maybe a sudden turn of events(like somebody overhearing a conversation, etc), more dialogue or more background it would give us as a reader more to go on in terms of forming an opininon about the events and guessing what's going to happen next.
The only other thing I can think of at the moment would be to keep Seto and Jou a bit more in character.
Even though both boys seems to have some sort of feelings towards each other in your story, I find it highly unlikely that Seto would just lend his pants to Jou without a thorough insult, or Jou just accepting them like it was nothing. The petty arguments and namecalling is their way of communicating in their rather weird and complicated "friendship" in canon, and it just doesn't fit them to be this friendly around each other.
Have you read the story "Graffiti" and "Fixation" by the_lost_ogg?
The author of these stories has a very good way of writing Seto and Jou's characters.
It's worth checking out for inspiration, or just for a good read if you want to. (I'm a major fan of "fixation" myself XD)
The best of luck further on with your story, I'll be waiting for the next update.