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December 12, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Just as expected from Peach Onichan, this story is awesome!
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December 11, 2009 at 12:00 AM
You did a very nice job on this, Onee-san. I hope the other stories you post here will be just as good.
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December 11, 2009 at 12:00 AM
...what the hell, huge Mary Sue up the wazoo. I can't tell you how many original character stories I've seen that have had Kaiba falling for a modern-day Kisara who turned out to be a Sue. But you've gone the extra step and added some rather ridiculous traits to her, as well, so...
And I cannot, under any circumstances, picture Seto Kaiba of all people calling anyone "babe" or any other flowery term because he's not a caring person in general, even in private (even if he were supposedly in love with someone, he also has a huge sense of pride), so you've pegged him as pretty OOC just from that, I think. If he's gonna fuck someone, it'll be good only because he's a perfectionist, not because he's loving and tender.
I'm also finding heteronormative ideas in here (re: the "not having sex before they got married"), which... really are a big turnoff for me, to be honest, but it's just a minor detail. And the style of the prose kinda screams "young teenager" to me, truthfully; I found the alternate terms for genitalia utterly hilarious rather than tasteful.
The entire AU, as it seems to be, just comes across as... what.
And I cannot, under any circumstances, picture Seto Kaiba of all people calling anyone "babe" or any other flowery term because he's not a caring person in general, even in private (even if he were supposedly in love with someone, he also has a huge sense of pride), so you've pegged him as pretty OOC just from that, I think. If he's gonna fuck someone, it'll be good only because he's a perfectionist, not because he's loving and tender.
I'm also finding heteronormative ideas in here (re: the "not having sex before they got married"), which... really are a big turnoff for me, to be honest, but it's just a minor detail. And the style of the prose kinda screams "young teenager" to me, truthfully; I found the alternate terms for genitalia utterly hilarious rather than tasteful.
The entire AU, as it seems to be, just comes across as... what.