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March 7, 2010 at 12:00 AM
Ch 1: Ah, I told myself I wanted to wait til the happy glow from reading *Graffiti* had worn off, but I couldn't wait to start reading this! As I fully expect to be writing 25 reviews here (grin), I'll try to have each review focus on a different aspect of the story. And as I enjoy your writing so much, my old writing group habits are going to kick in with some concrit, because you're well worth the activation energy it takes to analyze and articulate weak spots.
+: As expected, your original characters are well sketched. Rarely is exposition and setup so smoothly handled - and unlike 99% of OCs (which tend to make me cringe and skim ahead) yours are characters I enjoy spending time with as much as "the boys."
-: Not much. A few typos here and there, nothing fatal. M only quibble: I'd think plainly stating Kaiba's orientation would come under confidentiality (as it seems that he's not out "enough" for the Yugi-tachi to know he's gay.) - I do think it a bit more likely that the doctor would have asked his questions about Jou's homophobia and attraction while leaving the reason for the questions implied/unstated.
+: As expected, your original characters are well sketched. Rarely is exposition and setup so smoothly handled - and unlike 99% of OCs (which tend to make me cringe and skim ahead) yours are characters I enjoy spending time with as much as "the boys."
-: Not much. A few typos here and there, nothing fatal. M only quibble: I'd think plainly stating Kaiba's orientation would come under confidentiality (as it seems that he's not out "enough" for the Yugi-tachi to know he's gay.) - I do think it a bit more likely that the doctor would have asked his questions about Jou's homophobia and attraction while leaving the reason for the questions implied/unstated.
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March 7, 2010 at 12:00 AM
ch: 2 YOW! Bold!Jou is ... *bold* .. and Kaiba is just ... nuts. Both of them seem more like their first series characterizations (especially pre-Mind Crush Kaiba). ~ Your Plato bits made me squee - been a while since college, but I don't remember ever hearing that interpretation (and yes I do see what you did there, I think.)
Having said that, I'm having a little struggle getting used to your Kaiba - he's a bit nastier than I'm used to - but his snark is prime.
Having said that, I'm having a little struggle getting used to your Kaiba - he's a bit nastier than I'm used to - but his snark is prime.
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March 7, 2010 at 12:00 AM
ch 3: "I’m afraid so far it is sort of a reworking of some of my favorite clichés," Well, be that as it may, those are some of your *reader's* favorite clichés as well, so defintely no complaints here.
+: I like the pace - brisk enough to keep the story moving at ALMOST the same pace as the reader's eagerness, but not so fast that it feels sketchy.
-: As before, a few typos here and there. At times we get a larger serving of detail - medical in this case - than we probably need, but it does leaven the pacing too, so it's not all bad. (I mention it because at times I'm not sure what the "significant detail" is, but I have faith that you'll make it all clear when it needs to be clear.)
+: I like the pace - brisk enough to keep the story moving at ALMOST the same pace as the reader's eagerness, but not so fast that it feels sketchy.
-: As before, a few typos here and there. At times we get a larger serving of detail - medical in this case - than we probably need, but it does leaven the pacing too, so it's not all bad. (I mention it because at times I'm not sure what the "significant detail" is, but I have faith that you'll make it all clear when it needs to be clear.)
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March 7, 2010 at 12:00 AM
Ch 4; oi, Kaiba. Yeah, I'm talkin' to *you*. YOU'RE an idiot!
* ahem * Roland makes me grin like mad. Although IRL I don't think he'd relent, in the story I'm glad that we might get more of him in future chapters.
-: again a few minor typos and usage, nothing beta couldn't tidy for you (and nothing that really slows the story down.)
* ahem * Roland makes me grin like mad. Although IRL I don't think he'd relent, in the story I'm glad that we might get more of him in future chapters.
-: again a few minor typos and usage, nothing beta couldn't tidy for you (and nothing that really slows the story down.)
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March 7, 2010 at 12:00 AM
Ch5: Awwww * melts * sorry, nothing constructive from the sparkly-eyed old woman. Hot and sweet and snarky, and I loved it.
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March 7, 2010 at 12:00 AM
ch 6: it occurs to me that this is turning out not to be that much about YGO anymore - but that's not a complaint,. Its a damn good story, and it really doesn't matter that you use those strangely haired boys as jumping-off points for a journey that doesn't have much to do with (grins) a children's card game, as LittleKuriboh puts it.
I was a little thrown by the watch thing - I assumed Kaiba had taken it back before they went in the bathroom - and I think I'd like to see some mention of it, maybe at the end of the previous chapter? That it was almost forgotton on the floor, or in a pocket, or that K slipped it into J's backpack - whatever you feel is right for the story ( as I also can't help feeling that Jou;d wearing it, whether he knoew the cost ir not, is a symbolic act.)
I was a little thrown by the watch thing - I assumed Kaiba had taken it back before they went in the bathroom - and I think I'd like to see some mention of it, maybe at the end of the previous chapter? That it was almost forgotton on the floor, or in a pocket, or that K slipped it into J's backpack - whatever you feel is right for the story ( as I also can't help feeling that Jou;d wearing it, whether he knoew the cost ir not, is a symbolic act.)
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March 7, 2010 at 12:00 AM
chapter 7: Oh-oh. :( Way to end the chapter with a dagger to the heart.
P.S. Good work! :p
P.S. Good work! :p
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March 7, 2010 at 12:00 AM
Ch 8: ah, gorgeous, the imagery, the emotions - it unspools like a film.
(an I seriously want fanart of that garden!)
(an I seriously want fanart of that garden!)
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March 7, 2010 at 12:00 AM
Ch 9: OK, I know you don't end the fic here (unless you have 16 chapters of Author's Notes) but I can feel the satisfying "The End" click here (or rather the "End of Part One".)
I'm going to take a break from reading and reviewing for a day or so (if I can find the willpower) and just savor what you've accomplished so far.
One nit: I was sure if/when Kaiba actually knew that Jou was their foster son? There was some somewhat confusing verbiage before he goes to the garden.
I'm going to take a break from reading and reviewing for a day or so (if I can find the willpower) and just savor what you've accomplished so far.
One nit: I was sure if/when Kaiba actually knew that Jou was their foster son? There was some somewhat confusing verbiage before he goes to the garden.
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February 2, 2010 at 12:00 AM
Ok that's amazing.....one of the few actually intelligent stories I've read....the plot was well thoght out and everyone's actions were more or less in character...great job!!