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June 14, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Unless you state outright that this is a sequel to Claiming Right and 3DG, then no one is going to have a clue as to what this is about, which would be a pity, as you do have some nice imagery here, but as a stand alone story, it makes no sense what so ever.
After saying all that, re chapter 4 (as we've covered the other chapters in ffnet) I like the flashbacks, as it gives the present a bit more concret reality. Yami pulling away from Yugi needs more of a reason behind it though. It just won't be enough for the 'worm' to go around spouting Kaiba hates me. The 'worm' has to do something more, and Yami has to be more aware of it, and more aware of Kaiba himself. To my mind he seems to see Kaiba in a 'fog' and no clarity is possible as long as he is 'controlled' by the 'worm'.
And I do wish you would give Mokuba a stronger voice. . .its bad enough that Kaiba is lost in an esoteric 'fog' (seems to be my new word XD) so someone needs to be more concrete here, even if it is a ghost.
As to Kura, I don't see his role at all, unless Kaiba is going to hire him to get Jou and hopefully he ends up killing the 'worm' as well (just for the fun of it of course, because Yami wouldn't be happy if it was Kaiba that had organized the killing).
If you are going to go down the road of Kaiba 'getting' Jou, it might play better if you deal in details rather than poetry, as there were alot of things in 3DG that were left open and this is more blood vengence, than the drama of lost souls finding each other again.
Till the next update
bahen
After saying all that, re chapter 4 (as we've covered the other chapters in ffnet) I like the flashbacks, as it gives the present a bit more concret reality. Yami pulling away from Yugi needs more of a reason behind it though. It just won't be enough for the 'worm' to go around spouting Kaiba hates me. The 'worm' has to do something more, and Yami has to be more aware of it, and more aware of Kaiba himself. To my mind he seems to see Kaiba in a 'fog' and no clarity is possible as long as he is 'controlled' by the 'worm'.
And I do wish you would give Mokuba a stronger voice. . .its bad enough that Kaiba is lost in an esoteric 'fog' (seems to be my new word XD) so someone needs to be more concrete here, even if it is a ghost.
As to Kura, I don't see his role at all, unless Kaiba is going to hire him to get Jou and hopefully he ends up killing the 'worm' as well (just for the fun of it of course, because Yami wouldn't be happy if it was Kaiba that had organized the killing).
If you are going to go down the road of Kaiba 'getting' Jou, it might play better if you deal in details rather than poetry, as there were alot of things in 3DG that were left open and this is more blood vengence, than the drama of lost souls finding each other again.
Till the next update
bahen