rate_review Reviews

Everything seemed a little bit rushed. It being a PWP doesn't mean it has to be rushed. I still wonder how could Jou believe Yugi would want to meet him at Kaiba Corp, of all places. Maybe he thought Yugi was in trouble with Kaiba. Also Jou followed Kaiba too easily, I mean I'm sure he wouldn't trust Kaiba to give him the right hour of the day. Much less going on a car ride with him. Although it's been done before, so it's not that bad.

I really liked the part where Seto gives Jou a drink. It would have been funnier if Jou had had an internal battle before drinking it though. We all know how Jou can be a glutton: Safety versus Food, who will win?

The idea was really good though. If you add some more feelings/characters thoughts and make them less OOC it'll be one heck of a story. (At least I know I'll love it!)

Jou-pup

:sniggers: sheesh, i though kaiba was the great strategist. :P

nice fic...

Uhm... first of all what I liked: the ending... how the two of them make a deal, that's kinda surprising and funny and nice ^-^
I also liked how you brought along Jou's language style.

But since I wanna be honest I'm gonna tell you as well what I didn't like:
I think, you could work your sentences a little more, like... make them somewhat more interesting, vary the sentence structure or make the sentences more complicated.

Aside from that the whole situation the guys are in is a little unealistic, I mean Jou meeting Seto because he thinks Yugi asked him to go there and then Jou following Seto... that's just a little untypical (which isn't bad, but you would have to explain it further and make it more plausible), except of course, if you want this to be a PWP, but then you would have to put that into the summary.

Also you didn't say anything about the characters' feelings or thoughts... you just let them SPEAK (which doesn't necessarily mean they tell what they feel) or you made them DO things (which doesn't tell so much either) but you don't let them THINK or FEEL. If you had showed their feelings, we would have known that Jou actually did enjoy (being sexually aroused doesn't necessarily mean he enjoys!!!) what Seto did, even if Jou himself didn't want to admit it.

Also, you could have Seto notice Jou's true feelings when looking into Jou's eyes or reading between Jou's lines or something like that, because if he doesn't know what Jou FEELS, then it really IS rape since Jou said 'no'. (and if you meant it to be rape, then you should put a 'rape-warning' into your summary)

Also the sex scenes were kind of unrealistic, because you don't just impale yourself onto another or insert yourself into them without preparing the uke - and if you really do anyway, it would hurt like hell and you wouldn't be able to come all that fast (except of course if you enjoy pain)

But seriously, this is not meant to be a flame! You could find yourself a Beta reader, and make this a real good fic.

i loved it
but kaiba was kinda oc, but it was still gud
hmm....joey on top, id like 2 c dat 1 ;)

wow....that....was......TERRIFIC!!!!!!! There's so much praise I could give this fic! It is awesome!!!!!