rate_review Reviews

Well, like most of the other reviewers said, his fic has great potential, a wonderful plot line and a cute pairing. The only thing is, Your characters lack subtlety. If this were a real life situation, Neither of them would be so forward, especially not mokuba. And as you plainly stated, This is his first time and he knows nothing of what he's doing, So ask your self, 'If i was in his position, what would i do or say?' Same goes for Seto. make it as natural as possible, And try to use other descriptive words. in most S/J fics, Seto refers to Jou as 'puppy' or other pet names, but not in every sentence. Either way, He has feelings for mokuba that aren't brotherly feelings, So i'd imagine he'd stop calling him kiddo. Not exactly the best name for your lover in bed. Please don't consider this a flame, I do love your fic, Just this is a common problem with a lot of authors and authoresses. The best thing to make your fic great is to ask your self how you'd do it. Become the character. Please continue ^^

Hey, you sound about half ready to give up. DON'ome ome people are just negative and do things to bring you down.
A beta is basically an editor, as it was explained to me. Everyone needs one some. Ie. I have beed published and I still need one.
Your story does show you are new to this. But you do have good potential. Don't give up. Keep going, practice makes if not perfect then at least better as I have been informed.
Try more description, like facial movements, body stance, and so on. It adds so a story to know someone is frowning when angry or standing stiffly when nervous. But don\ot oot overb the the the story gets lost in detail.
Keep it up.

Terra

okay, i do not want you to take this in a negative way, but i am going to be totally honest with you - do not become discouraged from this ...

i had to stop reading, because it was just becoming to painful to continue ... your writing quality and style just isnt up to par (but this is expected, as we are all not perfect) im guesssing that you are probably at a young age, and this is probably why ... in the first chapter, i knew you had a warning that the characters were OOut dut did you really have to make seto call mokuba "kiddo" in every line?!?! i was going crazy!! reading this really made me feel nauseous! i mean, you throw the characters into this plot line without developing the history/the background. You cannot just do this "developing" in a huge paragraph of the character's thoughs - these huge paragraphs are a pain to get through and you loose your readers through it ... you seemed unsure as to where you were going with this, (i only went up to chapter 2 in fear of my mental health), and eventhough you said that the characters were OOC, you should try to refrain from making them seem so random ... when you are writing dialog, it would help maybe if you read that line out loud, and listened to how it sounded ... does it sound like something someone would say? sometimes you dont need to go into too much detail for one scene ... like when mokuba was going on seto's computer ... it would help if you put scenes in this fic that actually pertain to your plot ... everything should be there for a reason ... also, now this is just my personal opinion, but many times when people are reading fiction ... they like it for just that, the FICTION ... by putting in the part where mokuba was looking up "fan fiction" on the internet, you brought a real-life aspect to it, and it totally detered your plot. sometimes it helps if you put yourself (or even someone you know) in the shoes of your characters ... it all seems more real, unique and higher in quality. the characters are all in your head, its up to you to make them become alive through your words. now im not saying that this is the worst, because i do see that you have some potential... it REALLY helps if you read other people's fanfiction .. especially other people's MOKIE/SETO fanfiction ... like, for example, D-chan's "Immoral Behavior", Diablo_Bella's "Seduction, the secret life", Tanya Maxwell's "Sing for the moment", and many other great fic's out there that are mokuba/seto ... get ideas from other people, make your characters act like real people ... being too descriptive can really cause you to loose your readers... and most importantly, keep on writing, because you were brave enough to write/post something like this, and this is just the begining, keep on writing, the only way you are going to keep getting better is if you keep writing ... i will keep an eye on this fic, give it another chance, and maybe try to get through the other chapters ... i find alot of times that fics get better as you read...

please take this not as a flame (i would never do that) but as constructive criticismto help you ... i would like someone to tell me this, to be brutally honest, when reading my fic's

remember the good review's you forget, the bad one's make you upset, and the one's that critique are the ones you never forget...

-xxx (i wish to remain anon. as you might of read my fic's and you might know me)

Great chapter!!
Oooo the dream/nightmare thing freaked me out lol!
I was like 'it was just a dream???? Oh...maybe not...' lol!
Poor mokie having a fever aww...
please update again soonies!
Much
De
Debs xxx

The second chapter was very good-oddly, I found myself touched by the gentle way Seto made love to his brother. I wouldn't mind seeing a chapter in which Seto shows Mokuba how to give pleasure. This way, Mokuba can decide if he wants to be the one who receives or be the one who gives.

I'm not much for yaoi's myself-I have an unhealthy fixation on Seto. But, this was done in a non-offensive manner.

I promise not to tell your friend who doesn't approve of these kinds of pairings.

If you ever decide to get a beta reader, please let me know. I'd be more than happy to help you continue writing this fabulous story.

I have a reference as I beta for one of your other reviewers.

Xeno

I really like the pairing, and I do have a few suggestions though. I would have really liked to see this be a bit more real in that Mokuba wouldn't have enjoyed actual penetration at first, I really do think it is mainly pain the first time no matter what. I would like them to do other things with each other as well, fondling, blow job's, you name it. Really Seto should indoctrinate his brother into the finer points of making love, ne? And Mokuba should be so eager to explore Seto's body, both doing somethings right, and some not, he's gotta learn yes? I do want more of this story though, keep going!

I love it! N/A If ANYONE flames you tell me and I'll kick the hell out of them. ^_^

(to lazy to sign in) Anyway. great story. i want to see more like this. it was great