schedule
June 6, 2008 at 12:00 AM
This is horrible. It really is. My advice: Invest in some English and writing courses, so you can improve this story. It really has potential! It could be a great story. In the mean time, take this down. You're only embarrassing yourself. On a side note: I'm not flaming you. If I'd flame you, I'd make you cry. I'm actually being nice about it. =P
Are you SURE you're over 18 years old?
Are you SURE you're over 18 years old?
schedule
February 28, 2005 at 12:00 AM
whau weird twist and interesting fanfic all round, *_* thumbs up, well done, that fic was weird, but nice
schedule
February 28, 2005 at 12:00 AM
yes i agree with the ones who said that it isnt right to have comments like that on your work, there are some cruel reviewers out there, i had a cruel one on one of mine, and ok, we all make mistakes in our fanfic, like one of our friends up there said, were not perfect, i think that writers deserve good feed back on their work and not anti-fanfic opinions which are NOT helpful and not kind, but do your best , thats all you can do, and
what was that, your age? be careful. be wise.
what was that, your age? be careful. be wise.
schedule
March 21, 2004 at 12:00 AM
That was a very good chapter even if it was short Please keep up the great work I love this story so very much I wonder what'll happen next
schedule
March 21, 2004 at 12:00 AM
Well I am happy to say I liked it despite a few disappointments. I know you already said about the spelling errors so I won't rag on you about that. The story was good even though it lacked details. On the lemon chapter, the scene was over before I even realized it had begun.
schedule
March 20, 2004 at 12:00 AM
Let's try some good, constructive comments.
Ready? Here goes. :)
1. Story Conception: Interesting and original idea. However, I don't understand the point of your changing Yugi's gender... I anticipated some kind of internal gender conflict to show some emotional reasons for his/her crossdressing... That would have been a damn interesting story, but yours just reeks of poorly excecuted Mary-Sue. Take her, shoot her, and go on with your life. Please.
2. Writing Style: Choppy and broken, a chore to decipher. Try to build a good rhythm with your sentences, alternate long phases with short ones, and generally, read your writing aloud until it feels natural. If you wouldn't speak that way, don't write that way.
3. Plot: None I can see. This is a serious problem.
4. Mechanics: Please, before your post, run your document through Word and let it check your spelling. I can't tell you howortaortant this is if you want readers to take your work seriosuly.
5. Sex Scene(s): I applaud your basic, scientific knowledge of the birds and bees. Tab A, Slot B. (read: a manual is not good writing.)
6. Misc. Comments: Your work lacks a basic level of maturity, and I believe part of this is influenced by your age, although "young" does not necessarily always mean "inexperienced". **Keep in mind that if you're under 18, writing, reading, or generally viewing material of this nature is ILLEGAL.***
If you're caught, you're very, VERY busted, and it's no skin of my ass if you're 1) kicked off the site or 2) criminally charged. Be aware that your parents aren't liekly to be thrilled that you're not only reading pornographic material, but attempting (albeit poorly) to write it.
I'm not trying to "flame" anyone, but I do wish to discourage you from writing more for this board. It's not only illegal, but it's also very immature, difficult to read, and subtle as a brick. Your writing has all the literary merit of several sheets of double-ply roomroom tissue.
But don't take this the wrong way.
If anything above has offended you, please accpet the following review in liu of any subtialtial criticism:
--
OMG THiS iS teh KEWLiST!!!!! I alwayz wundered wat YUgi was hidin under dat an hes a GUUURRRLL!!!! OMGLOL!!1 Plz plz plz writ more 4 us I want 2 kno wat hapnz wen yuGI tris to2 te2 teh bath room does yAmi go wit her?!?!??!?!!!! I luv your fic!!!!!!!!!!! it iz SOOO hot 2 made me hav 2 tak a freezin shower u kno!!
Ready? Here goes. :)
1. Story Conception: Interesting and original idea. However, I don't understand the point of your changing Yugi's gender... I anticipated some kind of internal gender conflict to show some emotional reasons for his/her crossdressing... That would have been a damn interesting story, but yours just reeks of poorly excecuted Mary-Sue. Take her, shoot her, and go on with your life. Please.
2. Writing Style: Choppy and broken, a chore to decipher. Try to build a good rhythm with your sentences, alternate long phases with short ones, and generally, read your writing aloud until it feels natural. If you wouldn't speak that way, don't write that way.
3. Plot: None I can see. This is a serious problem.
4. Mechanics: Please, before your post, run your document through Word and let it check your spelling. I can't tell you howortaortant this is if you want readers to take your work seriosuly.
5. Sex Scene(s): I applaud your basic, scientific knowledge of the birds and bees. Tab A, Slot B. (read: a manual is not good writing.)
6. Misc. Comments: Your work lacks a basic level of maturity, and I believe part of this is influenced by your age, although "young" does not necessarily always mean "inexperienced". **Keep in mind that if you're under 18, writing, reading, or generally viewing material of this nature is ILLEGAL.***
If you're caught, you're very, VERY busted, and it's no skin of my ass if you're 1) kicked off the site or 2) criminally charged. Be aware that your parents aren't liekly to be thrilled that you're not only reading pornographic material, but attempting (albeit poorly) to write it.
I'm not trying to "flame" anyone, but I do wish to discourage you from writing more for this board. It's not only illegal, but it's also very immature, difficult to read, and subtle as a brick. Your writing has all the literary merit of several sheets of double-ply roomroom tissue.
But don't take this the wrong way.
If anything above has offended you, please accpet the following review in liu of any subtialtial criticism:
--
OMG THiS iS teh KEWLiST!!!!! I alwayz wundered wat YUgi was hidin under dat an hes a GUUURRRLL!!!! OMGLOL!!1 Plz plz plz writ more 4 us I want 2 kno wat hapnz wen yuGI tris to2 te2 teh bath room does yAmi go wit her?!?!??!?!!!! I luv your fic!!!!!!!!!!! it iz SOOO hot 2 made me hav 2 tak a freezin shower u kno!!
schedule
March 20, 2004 at 12:00 AM
This doesn't even make sense. You keep jumping logs, and there is no plot, really. Also, you keep jumping, and I'm LOST without a map back to starting point.
schedule
March 18, 2004 at 12:00 AM
Great story and please don't make Yugi pregnant now!!!!! She marries Yami Yes!!!! but don’t make her pregnant not yet any ways let them get married a nice honey moon then they get a little apartment or a house then let them have a some kids *CoughboysCough* ^___^ yes I think in an old fashion manner, but let them have kids at least after there married its nicer because that way they can have a honey moon (^____^) without the risk oftingting the baby or an accidental abortion. Don't make Yugi pregnant not yet please ^____^
schedule
March 18, 2004 at 12:00 AM
This was very good and sure why not please have Yugi become pregnent in the next chapter
schedule
March 18, 2004 at 12:00 AM
So she is 12 who cares I am not that older and I have probably read and seen more stuff then you guys ever will. Great story I really like it don’t let some of this guys get you down you do what you want you here ^_^ I now plenty of 11 11 and 12 year olds that can write a lemon that will have you running do get a cold shower in no time flat. There are some misspelling, but I didn’t even noticed probably because I don’t spell to well ether ^^; Well great story and don’t get Yugi pregnant at the moment even do Yami forgot to get a condom how about Yami and Yugi get married and have a nice honey moon first!! Now that would be nice! ^_-