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schedule
March 21, 2003 at 12:00 AM
Very, very good. I am very pleased with this fic. I just add to all the dead fanfiction everywhere. I was wondering...do you think I could continue your story for you? Since this is, after all, a dead fic. (I hope :p) Well, feel free to email me at any time. Or just IM me on AIM. My screen name is VM OB Kalina. Farewell!
schedule
March 3, 2003 at 12:00 AM
Hey this is the Red Dragon nice job on fic it was cool and really about time with those two sheesh Yami can be so STUBOURN i swear but other then that its the best ive read of the two best charactors on Yu-Gi-Oh well l8sers
schedule
February 21, 2003 at 12:00 AM
:::Blush:::
Okay- your fanfic would be perfect but there are some flaws I would like helping you with.
That’s okay thou. This is your first lemon- right? Umm- may I ask- is this your first fanfic?
I haven’t written my first lemon yet since I haven’t yet decided which idea to do first^^;(and I'm shy) but I have been writing fanfics for almost three years now^_^*v-signs*
Your Flaws: (Sorry to be blunt^^but I don’t dance.)
1. Its ‘Yugi’ not ‘Yuugi’
2.You use their names too much. Since there’s only two people *Cough*GettingItOn*Cough* there would be to confusion to whose doing what to who.
Remember to thi things like: Him, his, he, and, he’s – more often.
You can also substitute their name for a nickname while talking and thinking. Like: ‘Luv’ ‘My light’ ‘Pet’ ‘Koi’ ‘Brat’ ‘Little one’ and so on…
3.You could also add some more descriptive words.
4. Your biggest flaw is that you write like it’s happening at the same moment as the readers reading all the time. If you take closer look at writers in print you'll see the difference.
Writers write in past-tense most of the time because a story's a story. It’s being told to someone by the author.
Look at writers like Orson Scott Card and J.K. Rowling's works closely and learn when its right to write in Past or Present-tense.
(1.)
Example of Right Past tense:
After he examined the footprints made by his foe he walked away without looking back into the darkened ally.
Example of Wrong Past tense:
Bobby opened his mouth and told them he couldn’t come to the show.
"I cant come to the show guys. I'm busy." said Bobby.
(2.)
Example of Right Present tense:
Bobby couldn’t believe what he was hearing at the moment. He was starting to consider to say something but Sally and Ben where starting to walk away.
Example of Wrong Present tense:
Bobby examined the footprints made by his foe, Bobby walks away without looking back into the darkening ally.
(3.)
Example on what you’re doing and how I would change it:
You wrote:
Yuugi screams again and Yami continues pulling in and out of Yuugi, encouraged by Yuugi's moans, pants, and small screams.
I would change it to:
Yugi screamed louder as Yami continued thrusting in and out of him, being encouraged by Yugi's pleading moans, harsh panting, and, small passion filled screams.
I'm sorry that I'm not a teacher I haI hardly ever try to teach writing to other writers. I saw and read your fanfic and I said "Why not try and help this one for a change? I'll give them some tips to set them on the right path!"
Please remember I'm just trying to help out and by all means I'm not perfect. I lack real talent like some other people that I know. I try my hardest and I study other peoples writing so much that I do it by reflex.
Guess what I do all day and night? You guessed it! I read. I read so well that I can read the first Harry Potter book in three hours tops^^ When I was 11yrs old I could already read at a grad 12 level. Its all I'm good at^^;;;;;;;
Anyway- you have the makings of a good writer and I wish you the best of luck. I hope you found a shred of helpfulness in my advice and that you put it to good use.
Love
ShyLemonLover
(P.S. You can e-mail me)
Okay- your fanfic would be perfect but there are some flaws I would like helping you with.
That’s okay thou. This is your first lemon- right? Umm- may I ask- is this your first fanfic?
I haven’t written my first lemon yet since I haven’t yet decided which idea to do first^^;(and I'm shy) but I have been writing fanfics for almost three years now^_^*v-signs*
Your Flaws: (Sorry to be blunt^^but I don’t dance.)
1. Its ‘Yugi’ not ‘Yuugi’
2.You use their names too much. Since there’s only two people *Cough*GettingItOn*Cough* there would be to confusion to whose doing what to who.
Remember to thi things like: Him, his, he, and, he’s – more often.
You can also substitute their name for a nickname while talking and thinking. Like: ‘Luv’ ‘My light’ ‘Pet’ ‘Koi’ ‘Brat’ ‘Little one’ and so on…
3.You could also add some more descriptive words.
4. Your biggest flaw is that you write like it’s happening at the same moment as the readers reading all the time. If you take closer look at writers in print you'll see the difference.
Writers write in past-tense most of the time because a story's a story. It’s being told to someone by the author.
Look at writers like Orson Scott Card and J.K. Rowling's works closely and learn when its right to write in Past or Present-tense.
(1.)
Example of Right Past tense:
After he examined the footprints made by his foe he walked away without looking back into the darkened ally.
Example of Wrong Past tense:
Bobby opened his mouth and told them he couldn’t come to the show.
"I cant come to the show guys. I'm busy." said Bobby.
(2.)
Example of Right Present tense:
Bobby couldn’t believe what he was hearing at the moment. He was starting to consider to say something but Sally and Ben where starting to walk away.
Example of Wrong Present tense:
Bobby examined the footprints made by his foe, Bobby walks away without looking back into the darkening ally.
(3.)
Example on what you’re doing and how I would change it:
You wrote:
Yuugi screams again and Yami continues pulling in and out of Yuugi, encouraged by Yuugi's moans, pants, and small screams.
I would change it to:
Yugi screamed louder as Yami continued thrusting in and out of him, being encouraged by Yugi's pleading moans, harsh panting, and, small passion filled screams.
I'm sorry that I'm not a teacher I haI hardly ever try to teach writing to other writers. I saw and read your fanfic and I said "Why not try and help this one for a change? I'll give them some tips to set them on the right path!"
Please remember I'm just trying to help out and by all means I'm not perfect. I lack real talent like some other people that I know. I try my hardest and I study other peoples writing so much that I do it by reflex.
Guess what I do all day and night? You guessed it! I read. I read so well that I can read the first Harry Potter book in three hours tops^^ When I was 11yrs old I could already read at a grad 12 level. Its all I'm good at^^;;;;;;;
Anyway- you have the makings of a good writer and I wish you the best of luck. I hope you found a shred of helpfulness in my advice and that you put it to good use.
Love
ShyLemonLover
(P.S. You can e-mail me)
schedule
February 7, 2003 at 12:00 AM
Awwwwwwww, how sweet! Nice and WAFFy aluffluffy and lemony and...all of that good stuff! Squee! ^_^
schedule
January 21, 2003 at 12:00 AM
I actually came to this site on accident. I'm glad I did. Great fic. Other fics would have Yugi be the "innocent" one and Yami would have to initiate everything. I liked this fic. Keep up the good work! ^_~
schedule
January 19, 2003 at 12:00 AM
Good story err lemon I mean.
schedule
January 12, 2003 at 12:00 AM
This was a great story... you should make sequels with Ryou/Bakura and Malik/Marik
schedule
January 6, 2003 at 12:00 AM
Chrissy: O_O!!! I'm reviewing, I'm reviewing!!
Yami Chrissy: You don't have to do a damn thing if you don't want to!
Chrissy: I was just kidding...
Yami Chrissy: Whatever.
Chrissy: Shut up! Okay, I loved this fic because it's not often where you see Yuugi being the dominant one.
Yami Chrissy: I won't shut up and you know that! Humph, I don't like it. The Yami should always be the dominant one in everything!
Chrissy: Oh yeah?
Yami Chrissy: Yeah!
Chrissy: Excuse me. *ties up her Yami and locks her in the closet*
Yami Chrissy: Let me out of this fucking closet!
Chrissy: Not until you take that back!
Yami Chrissy: I won't!
Chrissy: Well you're going to die in there because I won't let you out! Please write more fics soon, so I can read them! ^_^
Yami Chrissy: You don't have to do a damn thing if you don't want to!
Chrissy: I was just kidding...
Yami Chrissy: Whatever.
Chrissy: Shut up! Okay, I loved this fic because it's not often where you see Yuugi being the dominant one.
Yami Chrissy: I won't shut up and you know that! Humph, I don't like it. The Yami should always be the dominant one in everything!
Chrissy: Oh yeah?
Yami Chrissy: Yeah!
Chrissy: Excuse me. *ties up her Yami and locks her in the closet*
Yami Chrissy: Let me out of this fucking closet!
Chrissy: Not until you take that back!
Yami Chrissy: I won't!
Chrissy: Well you're going to die in there because I won't let you out! Please write more fics soon, so I can read them! ^_^
schedule
December 29, 2002 at 12:00 AM
Umm, good lemon, for it being your first time. Just try to be a little more into the person/s personal feeling or emotions or expncesnces. Try and make it sound less of a third person's view on the situation. You'll get a better affect if you write in a first person view. But it was a great first lemon. And I liked the idea of Yugi teasing Yami like that. Hehe. We all knew the little hikari could be devious, he just never shows that side often. In any case, good little PWP. Hope to read some more of your stuff in the future.
schedule
December 27, 2002 at 12:00 AM
Very cute! lol! This is a first. Fluffy bondage. ^_________^
Nice descriptions on the lemon. Hope you add more soon!
D
Nice descriptions on the lemon. Hope you add more soon!
D