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schedule
December 17, 2003 at 12:00 AM
Great story so! Up! Update soon, I'm in the mood for a good wholesome lemon. ^.-
schedule
December 15, 2003 at 12:00 AM
That's really good!! Pleaseeeeeeeeeee update again soon!! I can't wait to see what's goign to happen!!
schedule
December 13, 2003 at 12:00 AM
i do hope you write more i what to know what happens.so far i like it.
schedule
December 13, 2003 at 12:00 AM
Oh please write more. I'm loving this story. I'll be checking for updates. ^_^
schedule
December 13, 2003 at 12:00 AM
This looks interesting, so I hope you'll be continuing soon.
You asked for feedback, so I noticedouplouple things:
There's a lot of places where two words are stuck together. This is one example: "Bakura shook his head in disapproval as Ryousneezed in the cold night." aff.net's really crummy about uploading documents, so you might want to read over it once you post to make sure it hasn't eaten all your spaces and stuff.
Also, I think it might read better if you put the notes about the gods and goddesses in the beginning or at the end. It kind of disrupts the flow when they're within the story.
Last (Ancient Egypt Art History is resurfacing here *grin*) it was the Amun/Amon/Amen--however you wanna spell it--that was the symbol of the sun and combined with Ra in the New Kingdom. The Aten was the actual sun disk, and the only pharoah that deified it was Akhenaten. And he was the crazy one who tried to enstate monotheism.
You asked for feedback, so I noticedouplouple things:
There's a lot of places where two words are stuck together. This is one example: "Bakura shook his head in disapproval as Ryousneezed in the cold night." aff.net's really crummy about uploading documents, so you might want to read over it once you post to make sure it hasn't eaten all your spaces and stuff.
Also, I think it might read better if you put the notes about the gods and goddesses in the beginning or at the end. It kind of disrupts the flow when they're within the story.
Last (Ancient Egypt Art History is resurfacing here *grin*) it was the Amun/Amon/Amen--however you wanna spell it--that was the symbol of the sun and combined with Ra in the New Kingdom. The Aten was the actual sun disk, and the only pharoah that deified it was Akhenaten. And he was the crazy one who tried to enstate monotheism.