schedule
December 2, 2003 at 12:00 AM
Oh, shit, I want to hang Shana for being a despicable bitch.
schedule
November 29, 2003 at 12:00 AM
I'm so glad that your story is here now ;-D It's a good haven for those of us whose stories have been deleted in ff.net. Anyway, I've been following your story f.nef.net and I love it.
I have a couple of humble suggestions...you don't have to follow them, and they're objective observations:
(1) Please cut back on the italics. I used to use them a lot in my stories, but now I just use them for the disclaimer and the review responses. It makes the eye physically tire easily when reading.
(2) It's Priest Akunadin - the high priest who dances with the belly dancers.
(3) Kaiba's past counterpart is the High Priest Set
(4) I noticed you made references by using present-day things: Shakira (who I think is an awesome dancer and singer), hoes, etc. For the part that ysed sed the name Shakira to describe how she danced, maybe you could describe through adjectives how she danced and moved (gyrating her hips, etc. and then you can explore how the audience was feeling as they saw her dancing).
I think the formal counterpart (if there is any) of the word hoes is whores.
The Shakira reference, as effective as it is in giving me a vivid picture, somewhat took away the impact of the moment -- while what I am humbly suggesting will pulll me in more to the "moment" you're describing. You've done a good job in capturing my imagination, and little stuff like the Shakira reference and present-day words such as hoes are just bumps on the road for the smooth ride.
(5) Kaiba/Set smirks (I know, I know...believe me, I used the word smile or laugh before, but the word smirk captures that somewhat arrogant personality of Kaiba/Priest Set).
I just wanted to point these out, being that these were things I've done in the past too with my works. When these were pointed out to me, and I've made changes that I think should be done based on these suggestions, I see the wisdom of those advice. Again, you don't have to follow them, but I'm just putting it out in the open for you to consider.
Keep up the good work, and I'll still be avidly following you here ;-D
I have a couple of humble suggestions...you don't have to follow them, and they're objective observations:
(1) Please cut back on the italics. I used to use them a lot in my stories, but now I just use them for the disclaimer and the review responses. It makes the eye physically tire easily when reading.
(2) It's Priest Akunadin - the high priest who dances with the belly dancers.
(3) Kaiba's past counterpart is the High Priest Set
(4) I noticed you made references by using present-day things: Shakira (who I think is an awesome dancer and singer), hoes, etc. For the part that ysed sed the name Shakira to describe how she danced, maybe you could describe through adjectives how she danced and moved (gyrating her hips, etc. and then you can explore how the audience was feeling as they saw her dancing).
I think the formal counterpart (if there is any) of the word hoes is whores.
The Shakira reference, as effective as it is in giving me a vivid picture, somewhat took away the impact of the moment -- while what I am humbly suggesting will pulll me in more to the "moment" you're describing. You've done a good job in capturing my imagination, and little stuff like the Shakira reference and present-day words such as hoes are just bumps on the road for the smooth ride.
(5) Kaiba/Set smirks (I know, I know...believe me, I used the word smile or laugh before, but the word smirk captures that somewhat arrogant personality of Kaiba/Priest Set).
I just wanted to point these out, being that these were things I've done in the past too with my works. When these were pointed out to me, and I've made changes that I think should be done based on these suggestions, I see the wisdom of those advice. Again, you don't have to follow them, but I'm just putting it out in the open for you to consider.
Keep up the good work, and I'll still be avidly following you here ;-D
schedule
November 29, 2003 at 12:00 AM
Really great start update soon, I like where this is going so far.